Really, I'm getting tired of this. I'm tired of hurting over things that don't matter, and do matter, and the things I wish could matter.
I am tired of not knowing what to do with Sam. I don't know if I want to marry him, or date him, or break up with him, I have NO IDEA what to do.
He said that he wanted to marry me when I went to see him in Texas, and I said I wasn't sure what I wanted and asked if I could date.
Now I'm all torn up about this other guy that I got my hopes up about, and I feel like everything is wrong inside me.
I thought I knew who and what I wanted in my life. I really did. Then Sam left for the military and nothing is the same. It's like my feelings change every other ten minutes. First I miss him, love him, want him, then I am considering the fact that breaking it off might be the more sensible thing to do, for both of us.
I feel like slamming my head into a wall.
And drama.. sucks balls. No matter how far you try to run from it, or ignore it, or deal with it, it always rears its ugly head right at the time that you want it the least.
I'm sorry, I'm just really tired, extremely sad, terribly emotional, and just messed up over everything right now. Thanks for letting me get some of it out
Love you guys, hope you are all doing well.
xo
-Nessa-
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I have a question.
What is your honest opinion.
You are in love. You feel like you've found the one for you.
You also think you're too young.
But you don't want to go too much longer without knowing they are yours.
What do you do?
You are in love. You feel like you've found the one for you.
You also think you're too young.
But you don't want to go too much longer without knowing they are yours.
What do you do?
Friday, September 10, 2010
Seeing Sam in Texas
Hey, everyone.
As all of you know (hopefully), Sam has been in Basic Military Training for the past two months. Well, this was the month he was going to graduate. Notice I said was.
He is on medical hold because, during Basic, he was pushed enough that his knees started bothering him.
Apparently he has what's called Runner's Knee in both of his knees, and his graduation has been delayed for approximately another four to six weeks. Pretty vauge, I know. He'll spend about another two weeks in physical therapy, a few more getting rehabilitated and back up to the speed of military training, then be put back into his seventh week where he was pulled out to resume training.
His mother and I were still able to come down and see him, and he got base liberty, so we are able to go on base and see him. If he'd graduated he would have had a town pass for Friday and Saturday, and he could have come and seen the sights in San Antonio with his mother and I, but due to not graduating.. well, let's say his getting base liberty and seeing us at all was a stroke of luck.
He looks amazing everyone :) He's proud of the fact that he's lost three inches on his waist, so he lost that little tummy the apartment/college/post college has started giving him. He stands taller now too, the military beat the teenage slouch right out of him :).
I still give him crap for unconsciously assuming the position (feet spread, hands behind back, chin up, back straight). I get that it's been ingrained into him for about eight weeks.. it's just funny when he says that it's become comfortable for him to stand like that now.
He's more confident, he's grown up a lot, and while he is still the Sam we all know and love, he has definitely taken the step from wherever he'd been stuck at to a man.
It's been hard for him to see all his close friends, his flight, basically his second family, graduate and be in their blues, with their families. It's hard for him to see his friends with their Airman's Coin (a coin that represents your transition from trainee to airman, it's a REALLY big deal).
But he is pushing himself for success.He sees what he is so close to achieving, and rather than despair he looks ahead to all the great things and smiles toward the end of the road. He's made so many good friends who care about him, and he's learned so much while he's been in BMT.
It's so funny, he actually has a lot of fun being in the air force. I'd go so far as to say he loves it, most days. Maybe not the little bits and pieces, but the overall experience.
Can you tell I'm proud?
Now that I've talked about Sam, I'll talk about Texas.
Being here just with Sam's mom is.. well, very awkward most of the time. It's just.. we have nothing in common, she's a mom of six kids and I'm an eighteen year old girl dating her oldest son. We spend most of our time recycling the old and bedraggled joke about the fact that we can't find our way anywhere worth our lives.
Yeah. Lemme tell you. I did not realize how much I rely on the mountains back home in Utah to tell where I am. Here it's just flat, flat, and more flat. The endless expanses of blue, cloud spattered sky run from skyline to skyline, and you never know what direction you're going.
The freeway system looks like a giant spiderweb, spanning from the center, which is downtown San Antonio, outward. There are smaller freeways making the circles around, and crossing the outward span. I promise. Giant spiderweb. Exactly.
And, at home, you know how a freeway exit is labelled right where you get off? Not here. It says "Such and Such city in 1/2 mile". Then when you get there, it says "Next such and such city, insert exit numbers here". It's like a giant, loopy guessing game.
We have gotten lost every single day. In downtown San Antonio, it's a mass of one-way streets. I.. HATE.. one-way streets. I just thank God that I'm not the one driving, because I would have killed us by now.
Then again, with the way Sam's mom drives, maybe that would be better. Eh, I'm just a traffic-law-ignoring teenager, and she's a law abiding citizen. We all have our differences ;).
I got to go on the River Walk, which was beautiful. (I'm trying to get pictures to upload right now). I only had my cell phone, I left the damn camera at home on my bed. But the few pictures I have gotten have turned out pretty good.
Cheryl (I'm getting tired of typing Sam's mom, so there's her name) and I traversed the shops. I had to do my utmost not to run around buying absolutely everything. Seriously, this whole entire section of Texas has built it's lively hood around tourism. And they do a damn good job.
Everyone is so friendly too. In Utah, people do their utmost to ignore you if they pass you on the sidewalk, but I had personal conversations with almost every owner of every shop I went in to. I bought a necklace, met the woman who made it, her mother, and her mother's sister. I learned the back history on her jewelry-making.. it's just so strange.
I've been here for two days and already it's a culture shock compared to Utah. We really are a close-minded bunch of snobs ;).
Okay, the weather. Holy God, it is SO humid. I was too young to remember how humid Kauai was (I went when I was ten), but here it's to the point of unbearable. How weird is it.. that I love it?
I'm sure winter would suck, the wet air just covers you like a blanket. Wearing jeans is a misery, and I try to wear as little clothing shirt-wise as possible without being offensive.
The city is colors and culture. Lots of Spanish culture (I think), and a lot of the true-black people. The tattoos I've seen are amazing, I wish I could take a picture of every bit of art I've seen here. I took pictures in shops I wasn't supposed to, just because I wanted to remember.
I went to the Tower of America, a building in the heart of San Antonio. It rises 750 feet in the air, and I got pictures during the day, and at night, it was so amazing. The wind up there was nuts, it blew my hair straight up all around me :).
Wish you guys could be here, any of you. It would turn this into so much more of an adventure. I want to run everywhere at once, explore, this city is magic. I want to come back over and over. :).
Well, questions, comments, I'd love them all. I'm not going to be back home until Monday morning, so maybe I'll have some more stuff to post before this quick trip is through :). Love you all
Grande finale.
The Tooley.
As all of you know (hopefully), Sam has been in Basic Military Training for the past two months. Well, this was the month he was going to graduate. Notice I said was.
He is on medical hold because, during Basic, he was pushed enough that his knees started bothering him.
Apparently he has what's called Runner's Knee in both of his knees, and his graduation has been delayed for approximately another four to six weeks. Pretty vauge, I know. He'll spend about another two weeks in physical therapy, a few more getting rehabilitated and back up to the speed of military training, then be put back into his seventh week where he was pulled out to resume training.
His mother and I were still able to come down and see him, and he got base liberty, so we are able to go on base and see him. If he'd graduated he would have had a town pass for Friday and Saturday, and he could have come and seen the sights in San Antonio with his mother and I, but due to not graduating.. well, let's say his getting base liberty and seeing us at all was a stroke of luck.
He looks amazing everyone :) He's proud of the fact that he's lost three inches on his waist, so he lost that little tummy the apartment/college/post college has started giving him. He stands taller now too, the military beat the teenage slouch right out of him :).
I still give him crap for unconsciously assuming the position (feet spread, hands behind back, chin up, back straight). I get that it's been ingrained into him for about eight weeks.. it's just funny when he says that it's become comfortable for him to stand like that now.
He's more confident, he's grown up a lot, and while he is still the Sam we all know and love, he has definitely taken the step from wherever he'd been stuck at to a man.
It's been hard for him to see all his close friends, his flight, basically his second family, graduate and be in their blues, with their families. It's hard for him to see his friends with their Airman's Coin (a coin that represents your transition from trainee to airman, it's a REALLY big deal).
But he is pushing himself for success.He sees what he is so close to achieving, and rather than despair he looks ahead to all the great things and smiles toward the end of the road. He's made so many good friends who care about him, and he's learned so much while he's been in BMT.
It's so funny, he actually has a lot of fun being in the air force. I'd go so far as to say he loves it, most days. Maybe not the little bits and pieces, but the overall experience.
Can you tell I'm proud?
Now that I've talked about Sam, I'll talk about Texas.
Being here just with Sam's mom is.. well, very awkward most of the time. It's just.. we have nothing in common, she's a mom of six kids and I'm an eighteen year old girl dating her oldest son. We spend most of our time recycling the old and bedraggled joke about the fact that we can't find our way anywhere worth our lives.
Yeah. Lemme tell you. I did not realize how much I rely on the mountains back home in Utah to tell where I am. Here it's just flat, flat, and more flat. The endless expanses of blue, cloud spattered sky run from skyline to skyline, and you never know what direction you're going.
The freeway system looks like a giant spiderweb, spanning from the center, which is downtown San Antonio, outward. There are smaller freeways making the circles around, and crossing the outward span. I promise. Giant spiderweb. Exactly.
And, at home, you know how a freeway exit is labelled right where you get off? Not here. It says "Such and Such city in 1/2 mile". Then when you get there, it says "Next such and such city, insert exit numbers here". It's like a giant, loopy guessing game.
We have gotten lost every single day. In downtown San Antonio, it's a mass of one-way streets. I.. HATE.. one-way streets. I just thank God that I'm not the one driving, because I would have killed us by now.
Then again, with the way Sam's mom drives, maybe that would be better. Eh, I'm just a traffic-law-ignoring teenager, and she's a law abiding citizen. We all have our differences ;).
I got to go on the River Walk, which was beautiful. (I'm trying to get pictures to upload right now). I only had my cell phone, I left the damn camera at home on my bed. But the few pictures I have gotten have turned out pretty good.
Cheryl (I'm getting tired of typing Sam's mom, so there's her name) and I traversed the shops. I had to do my utmost not to run around buying absolutely everything. Seriously, this whole entire section of Texas has built it's lively hood around tourism. And they do a damn good job.
Everyone is so friendly too. In Utah, people do their utmost to ignore you if they pass you on the sidewalk, but I had personal conversations with almost every owner of every shop I went in to. I bought a necklace, met the woman who made it, her mother, and her mother's sister. I learned the back history on her jewelry-making.. it's just so strange.
I've been here for two days and already it's a culture shock compared to Utah. We really are a close-minded bunch of snobs ;).
Okay, the weather. Holy God, it is SO humid. I was too young to remember how humid Kauai was (I went when I was ten), but here it's to the point of unbearable. How weird is it.. that I love it?
I'm sure winter would suck, the wet air just covers you like a blanket. Wearing jeans is a misery, and I try to wear as little clothing shirt-wise as possible without being offensive.
The city is colors and culture. Lots of Spanish culture (I think), and a lot of the true-black people. The tattoos I've seen are amazing, I wish I could take a picture of every bit of art I've seen here. I took pictures in shops I wasn't supposed to, just because I wanted to remember.
I went to the Tower of America, a building in the heart of San Antonio. It rises 750 feet in the air, and I got pictures during the day, and at night, it was so amazing. The wind up there was nuts, it blew my hair straight up all around me :).
Wish you guys could be here, any of you. It would turn this into so much more of an adventure. I want to run everywhere at once, explore, this city is magic. I want to come back over and over. :).
Well, questions, comments, I'd love them all. I'm not going to be back home until Monday morning, so maybe I'll have some more stuff to post before this quick trip is through :). Love you all
Grande finale.
The Tooley.
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