Utah has some dirty air going on here..

Angel's mother is leaving to Florida on Monday.. and taking Mirriam with her. The whole big episode is almost over.. but of course the residual pain will stay for a long time. The house has been full of random people, all over to help Ada pack and get ready to go.. she's taken almost everything, including her son's bed and Angel's dresser, plus just about the entire stash of kitchen appliances.
Angel had to come home and steal the family china because Ada refused to give it to her son Garn, who came over and fought with her about it. He even offered her one thousand dollars if she'd please just give it to him. She said she refused to sell it to anyone in the family... so Angel took it.
The woman has pilfered just about everything.. the house echoes now due to lack of furniture and decoration.. it's sad.
Of course I'm tired of living here. I've been the only one her for all the packing and such.. Angel is still with her brother Garn, along with her dad... and Gaelen has been at EFY. Prior to that he spent all his time in the basement ignoring everything..
I'm not happy to have been here for this. All the hate and selfishness is like something sticky that won't wash off my skin; I've tried to be out of the house as much as possible.
Megan offered me her apartment in Provo for only one hundred a month.. and honestly being alone and on my own is starting to sound very appealing these days.. Being at the epicenter of a family tragedy has done nothing good for me, that's for sure.
Zack is leaving to the Navy Seals in two days..
We, consisting of myself, Angel, Megan, Justin and Zack, went to the hot springs Tuesday night. It would be our last chance to hang out with Zack, and while it was an odd group, I had a lot of fun and will cherish the memories. And IHOP will never be the same for me :).
In other news, I got my belly button pierced.. Funnily enough it didn't hurt one bit, I guess I'm just used to having giant needles shoved into me.. what with donating and all.
I know Cori complained that none of us really blog that much anymore. (Cori, when I say complained I don't mean in a bad way.) I don't because, honestly, nothing changes much for me. When I do blog it's just a bunch of indecisiveness, and repeating the same things over and over trying to convince myself into different trains of life.
I don't know what I'm doing about where I'm going to live, I don't know what I'm doing about a job (another one), I don't know what I'm doing about school.. All I really do is lie at home and read all the time because I don't want to focus on my life. It's just too overwhelming and I don't know what to do with myself. (Notice how many times I just said "I don't know"..)
I know Alyse's blog is just satanic and doesn't want to let anyone see when she updates.. at least that's what it does to me, because it hates me. So I have to go directly hunt down her blog.

Sam's leaving in just a month and a half. I'm going to miss him more than I'd ever believe I could, and that's just with me imagining it right now, not having to go through the real thing. I'm also really worried about him..
I love him still, and don't think that's going to change anytime soon.

Tyler said we can't be friends anymore and hasn't spoken to me for a few days now. I keep having to resist going to his house and beating down his door because he makes me so angry... but as long as he's unhappy with his decision then I can cope with not beating him up, because he's already doing my job for me.

Alyse is on vacation to Texas starting today for the next two weeks, and then a week of Girl's Camp after that, so we won't be seeing much of each other for the first month of summer. I'm taking care of her fishy J.C. (John Casey for you Chuckers out there).

Angel should be coming home soon. I don't see her more than a few times a week, but she came home this morning once she got off work and I realized just how much I enjoyed having the room to myself.. I didn't get woken up at seven in the morning after having gone to bed only a few hours prior.

Megan is still at Jerr's, and with all the ups and downs of that situation I'd like to think that, on the whole, she's happy. Her parents finally know she's living with him. Her dad hardly took it well, but it seems like Megan's mom is doing alright with it, despite the fact that it's against everything she's ever taught Megan. I guess she values her relationship with her daughter enough not to further destroy things.

I'm going back to my parents house in a week or so to house-sit while they are gone on vacation. I wish I were going with them (Vegas, St. George, then camping for a few days), but I don't have the money or the time. I've stopped donating due to an odd lethargy that has gripped me, so I'm a little strapped for cash at the moment, but once I move that'll change, the donation center is right down the road.

Miss everyone very much, and thanks for remembering the ice cubes Cameron, that really is one of my favorite memories, even if it's insignificant and random. To me it just embodies..well, you. Your odd personality. Which I miss.
I always feed your fishies.

See you guys later.
-Nessa-

May Eleventh

For all of you who do not know, Sam and I are no longer dating. I'm not entirely sure if I should put a 'technically' between 'are' and 'no'. We decided that being in a relationship was destroying our relationship, so now we don't have commitment and all that other stuff to worry about and can just love each other like we know we do.
I won't lie, I'm not totally overjoyed about the whole thing, but I will take it over the alternative of not having Sam in my life at all. I hope this is really what's best for us.. because I care about him a lot more than I realized. The night we (more like I) decided to initiate an actual break up made me see that.
Yeah. That was bad.

I'm stuck between three life decisions.
1. Summer school (College, whatever, to keep myself occupied rather than becoming a total introvert due to all things relationship related).
2. Moving out to an actual apartment (Start as just a summer thing and then maybe transition into the more expensive school year living?)
3. The never ending job hunt. (I decided to look up all the local and not so local dog grooming shops, kennels, pounds, etc. I want to find a job of the animal care-taking variety, a job I know I'll actually like.)

The stuck part is just doing all of it. I know the basic order in which to do them.. I just really suck at getting the ball rolling. I've been so wrapped up in relationship drama that I'm not sure I can pull myself away from worrying long enough to focus on the things I actually need to do.
Sad that I think it will be easier for me once Sam has left for boot camp.. Then the miss/worry/miss sensation will be standard, not fluctuating, and for only one set of reasons, not six thousand and one.

I'm getting tired of living at Angel's house, mostly because nothing is my own. We'll see what happens once Ada and Mirriam leave for Florida, maybe I can get my own room and finally start feeling like I'm not just a mooching bystander.
I do pay rent, but I share Angel's room (not like she's ever here anymore). I don't know. Whatever works.

Tyler..refuses to speak to me anymore. He and I got along really well.. and I sort of miss his friendship. Although, I know exactly why he won't. He wanted me for a girlfriend, and even though I'm 'single' now or whatever, no guy wants a girl who's committed-to and in love with another man.
He is, frustratingly enough, the root of my problems. Not saying I didn't cause almost all of them by myself, and I am most definitely not pushing blame onto him. He is just involved with everything in my life that I spend the majority of my time angsting over.
After hanging out with him so much, I started to question all my life decisions, the relationship I was in, some friendships, and my relationship with God. I had a sudden urge to just.. come clean and turn myself around, and it scared me. I'm never like that. I have always been content with who I am, with just the little insecure blips in between. I have NEVER considered a total make over of who I have become, all in the interest of some spiritual relief.
It was odd, let me tell you.
That spiritual and inner insecurity, combined with the fact that Sam is leaving in two months and I didn't know if I could handle it, well, it made me panic. I made a rash decision, and in doing so have messed a lot of things up, even though the outer picture still remains the same.
I lost Tyler as a friend, but I won't take all the credit on that, he walked right into the middle of my relationship and hoped to sweep me off my feet after almost two years and more trials than I care to remember with another guy. As hard as that was, I got attached to Sam, and there was no way Tyler was going to make that dedication to Sam go away.
I lost Sam as a boyfriend. Now I get to freak out every night I'm not with him, and console myself with a weak repetition of 'But he loves you, he loves you, shut up and calm down, he loves you.' It's hard. I may sound totally insane, but it's very, very hard knowing he's not mine anymore.
I lost confidence in myself. I saw what happened when I questioned my belief system, and when I took Sam out of my life. I realized how destabilized I really am, and how much I rely on Sam, or just love in general, to keep me going. I'm not okay with just being me, on my own, alone. I need things and people I wish I didn't.

Sam's birthday is today. He's up in Midvale or whatever, hanging out with friends from college. I miss him. I feel terribly lonely.
Growing up is hard. Being in love is hard. Succeeding is hard. Taking care of yourself is hard. I knew all of this all my life.. but now I am just coming to understand it.

Happy birthday, Sam. I love you.

Blogger-esque

Sometimes you realize you aren't who you were meant to be. Who you were raised to be. Who you were 'supposed' to be.
I was okay with that, until about a week ago. Now stuff is a little bit different. I'm questioning everything I know, and I hate it.
My Sam is leaving in two and a half months... and honestly, I'm scared. He's probably worse off than I am, but that doesn't change the fact that I am terrified.
I never wanted this..him to leave, but I obviously could never change his mind from the start about anything.
I'm going to try and stay with him. I really will try.

I hate not knowing who I am anymore.