May Eleventh

For all of you who do not know, Sam and I are no longer dating. I'm not entirely sure if I should put a 'technically' between 'are' and 'no'. We decided that being in a relationship was destroying our relationship, so now we don't have commitment and all that other stuff to worry about and can just love each other like we know we do.
I won't lie, I'm not totally overjoyed about the whole thing, but I will take it over the alternative of not having Sam in my life at all. I hope this is really what's best for us.. because I care about him a lot more than I realized. The night we (more like I) decided to initiate an actual break up made me see that.
Yeah. That was bad.

I'm stuck between three life decisions.
1. Summer school (College, whatever, to keep myself occupied rather than becoming a total introvert due to all things relationship related).
2. Moving out to an actual apartment (Start as just a summer thing and then maybe transition into the more expensive school year living?)
3. The never ending job hunt. (I decided to look up all the local and not so local dog grooming shops, kennels, pounds, etc. I want to find a job of the animal care-taking variety, a job I know I'll actually like.)

The stuck part is just doing all of it. I know the basic order in which to do them.. I just really suck at getting the ball rolling. I've been so wrapped up in relationship drama that I'm not sure I can pull myself away from worrying long enough to focus on the things I actually need to do.
Sad that I think it will be easier for me once Sam has left for boot camp.. Then the miss/worry/miss sensation will be standard, not fluctuating, and for only one set of reasons, not six thousand and one.

I'm getting tired of living at Angel's house, mostly because nothing is my own. We'll see what happens once Ada and Mirriam leave for Florida, maybe I can get my own room and finally start feeling like I'm not just a mooching bystander.
I do pay rent, but I share Angel's room (not like she's ever here anymore). I don't know. Whatever works.

Tyler..refuses to speak to me anymore. He and I got along really well.. and I sort of miss his friendship. Although, I know exactly why he won't. He wanted me for a girlfriend, and even though I'm 'single' now or whatever, no guy wants a girl who's committed-to and in love with another man.
He is, frustratingly enough, the root of my problems. Not saying I didn't cause almost all of them by myself, and I am most definitely not pushing blame onto him. He is just involved with everything in my life that I spend the majority of my time angsting over.
After hanging out with him so much, I started to question all my life decisions, the relationship I was in, some friendships, and my relationship with God. I had a sudden urge to just.. come clean and turn myself around, and it scared me. I'm never like that. I have always been content with who I am, with just the little insecure blips in between. I have NEVER considered a total make over of who I have become, all in the interest of some spiritual relief.
It was odd, let me tell you.
That spiritual and inner insecurity, combined with the fact that Sam is leaving in two months and I didn't know if I could handle it, well, it made me panic. I made a rash decision, and in doing so have messed a lot of things up, even though the outer picture still remains the same.
I lost Tyler as a friend, but I won't take all the credit on that, he walked right into the middle of my relationship and hoped to sweep me off my feet after almost two years and more trials than I care to remember with another guy. As hard as that was, I got attached to Sam, and there was no way Tyler was going to make that dedication to Sam go away.
I lost Sam as a boyfriend. Now I get to freak out every night I'm not with him, and console myself with a weak repetition of 'But he loves you, he loves you, shut up and calm down, he loves you.' It's hard. I may sound totally insane, but it's very, very hard knowing he's not mine anymore.
I lost confidence in myself. I saw what happened when I questioned my belief system, and when I took Sam out of my life. I realized how destabilized I really am, and how much I rely on Sam, or just love in general, to keep me going. I'm not okay with just being me, on my own, alone. I need things and people I wish I didn't.

Sam's birthday is today. He's up in Midvale or whatever, hanging out with friends from college. I miss him. I feel terribly lonely.
Growing up is hard. Being in love is hard. Succeeding is hard. Taking care of yourself is hard. I knew all of this all my life.. but now I am just coming to understand it.

Happy birthday, Sam. I love you.