When Life Comes Full Circle

It's interesting to see the way life takes its twists and turns. People come and go, things start and end, and you say 'It's such a small world' entirely too much by the close of the day.
But today something interesting happened. A person I swore to myself I would never see or trust as a friend again came back into my life, and I saw what I thought I'd never see.
He's different.
And we'll call him Taylor. (Him, he, and 'that guy' get annoying to type over and over again.)
Cam, you'll probably remember when Sam and I broke up because of a letter that was sent to my family, about six months into our relationship. You helped talked Sam through that, at the apartment, and the end result was Sam deciding to stay with me. You played a large role in that, and I don't know if I ever said thank you for it.
This guy, Tayor, was the one who, in part, wrote that letter.
I had written Taylor off as the most manipulative, deceitful, self serving person I have ever met. Through friends I kept tabs on him at a distance, for a year and a half after the.. 'letter incident'. Most of what I heard about him only reinforced my decision to keep him out of my life forever.
Taylor and I started talking not to long ago, as we had for brief periods over the year and a half of estrangement, and I thought the same things I always did. 'He wants something from me, what's he gaining from this, be careful, Jenessa, be careful."
And I always was. I still am.
But today, I am pretty sure that I got as close to an apology as he was capable of, for what he did.
An apology was all I ever wanted. The incriminating letter had been the culmination of two people putting their heads together and writing out everything I had ever done that could get me in trouble with my parents, and out of a relationship with Sam. The other involve-ee had already said sorry, in what I felt was a legitimately sincere and heart-felt way. I never saw nor further sought a reason to hold them accountable for what they had done after that.
It was an eye-for-an-eye situation anyway.
But I held onto my grudge against my Taylor. I never let go what he had done to my life, neither did Sam, and I feel we were both justified in our anger and mistrust.
And after all the time that passed, I just wanted Taylor to, at the very least, acknowledge that what he did was wrong. His reasoning behind it was sound; he was a friend worried for another friend's safety and happiness. But there was an edge of jealousy and vengeance to the letter he sent. And I wanted an apology for taking all my trust in him, and throwing that, along with three years of close friendship, back in my face.
He finally admitted he was wrong.

Right here, right now, I feel torn. I feel like I am letting down the defenses I held on to for so long, that I am allowing myself to be drawn back in to Taylor's gravitational pull.
But I will no longer deny the piece of me that wants to know he's changed. Taylor is still the same person, with all the thoughts, feelings, and intentions that he always had. But I want to recognize that bit of him that will now recognize himself as he was.. and the bit of him that wants to no longer be that way.
I am still saying to myself "Be careful, Jenessa, be careful."
But I am also giving Taylor the benefit of the doubt. This is something my father always gave me, and, whether or not I deserved it, I was always grateful for it. I hope he can use it for the betterment of himself and our friendship.

It's like the past has come around to the future, and a pathway I long ago blocked can now be seen again through the trees.
It is worn, unkempt, and dilapidated, but I think there is hope yet.
I hope Taylor can show me that he can be the person I knew so many years ago. They say people don't change, and maybe they don't. Most certainly not him.
But I am praying to be proved wrong.
Because, as much as I hate to say it, I missed a very good friend, for a very long time, and I am so, so...tired. Tired of hating him for things that should no longer have to matter.
I have no one to blame but myself should things go wrong. I will put no one else in the path of potential devastation that I will walk, and I ask no one to be beside me who does not wish to be.
But I truly, truly hope that the past will stay where it belongs, and that the saying 'turning over a new leaf' can actually become a reality.

You're all allowed to say "I told you so."
Just to let you know.

-Nessa-