Hooooly Crap.

So, I read Cori's latest blog and I realized that I don't have shit to complain about, lol, honestly, her life is going doom, gloom, KABOOM!!! And I am sitting here wanting to have my own personal pity party because Sam has to work this weekend. The weekend I have been looking forward too since two weekends ago.
See, hearing "I work this Saturday" when you have been waiting to go see your boyfriend that your crazy for and miss like a pain in your chest... it's not good. Actually it's rather bad. I think I was having a relatively good night before he told me that.
I guess I am considering just going down there anyway and chilling with Robert or Brittani for the weekend so I can still actually see Sam... But if I asked him he'd probably say "No, don't, just wait, another week isn't so bad." Or something like that.
Considering I just asked him I'll be sure to insert his reply just for progression's sake.
In other news..
I'm working a bit more now. I added about.. 10 hours per week to my schedule. So instead of sixteen it's now twenty six. Which means about 52 hours per paycheck. Which means I am making a little less than one hundred dollars more! I'm so happy!
I don't mean to brag. But seriously. That extra money is going to go a long way. I'm really happy!
I'm going to punch Sam. More like the people who hired him. *sigh*
I keep re-realizing exactly how hard being away from him and doing a long distance relationship is.
Angelique harps on about how I should just break up with Sam and go find some cute random guy to fool around with like she does. Well, not random, but you get the point.
I really would rather tell her to be quiet, because honestly, as nice as it would be to have someone around like Sam used to be, I don't want anyone else.
I think I tried to tell Sam this the other night. I just wanted him to know.. but I don't feel like I can really tell him that sometimes.
So here we go.
I don't want anyone but Sam. I miss being close to him, it drives me crazy to be so far away. I get loved starved and need someone to cuddle with.
But no matter how much I miss him, or want him, or get mad at him.. I still love him. I can be frustrated as hell for him, say, not talking to me. I can chuck my phone at the wall, swear at him, try to dislike him.. but then he tells me he loves me and everything gets erased.
He's everything I ever want. Just how I want it. All his quirks included. Top to bottom, through and through, he's everything to me.
I think if I told him that, in those words, I'd feel like a moron. Oh well.
I miss him.
Horribly.
This sucks.

-Nessa-

Nessa Victorious *And Depressed*

This is getting ridiculous.
Cameron. Coriann.
Both of you, stop being idiotic. Cameron, stop trying to save her from something she doesn't need to be saved from.
Coriann, hit him until he realizes you love him irregardless of time and space and whatever the hell else keeps getting in your two's way.
I've never seen two people so crazy about each other without one another. Seriously. Put your blogs side by side, and maybe you'll get that all that is being caused here is quaint misery.

Please? I love you both.

I got my car? That's good news. On the not so great side of things, I split my finger open a few days ago and typing with my right ring finger effing kills.
I bought some designer jeans too. I love them.
I ran out of money so I'm not going to school till October. Oh well. Whats another two weeks of killing time at my house... Been doing it ever since Sam left. Speaking of which..

*Now, I had written something to Sam here, but I deleted it due to the fact that it would most likely make him angry with me*

I miss everyone.
-Nessa-

In Memoriam of Juke: 3/13/09 - 9/12/09

Sweet little Juke died sometime last night. He got hit by a car. I found him
wrapped in a towel on the side of the road.. at least someone
was kind enough to do him that justice.
I'm going to miss him terribly, and I'm sure that everyone who watched him grow up in that apartment will too.
To be honest I haven't stopped crying since I found him.
I buried him at the bottom of our yard beneath a tree.. He really liked climbing trees, go figure.
I guess I'm glad that I was able to cuddle with him on the couch before I went to work on Friday.. I didn't see him since.
He was being so cute too. All sleepy and bleary eyed. He was hugging my hand with his paws and hiding his face.
I'm always going to remember how funny he looked right after Sam and I gave him a bath, he looked like a little alien.
And I suddenly don't mind so much that he liked to bite.
I'm pretty sure he was born on March 13th.. so he lived a happy life for the seven months he was alive.
That silly little thing wasn't even full grown yet.
I suppose I should complain about the injustice of it all, that he died so young. But really, I know that everyone he was around loved him and coddled him more than should be healthy for any kitten. I know I did my best to take care of him. Things like this just happen sometimes.
I love you Juke. I'm going to miss waking up to you licking my face. And petting your pretty fur.
Bye bye fuzzball.
We all love you.

Please leave comments for Juke, kay?

Fate Is My Marionette Strings

You know how, sometimes, you become so thoroughly fed up, angry, or depressed by something you feel like your going to explode?
That was me about thirty to forty minutes ago.

All I have to say is thank GOD for good friends, and even better boyfriends. And when I say my boyfriend is better than my friends..that's almost crossing the line. They are neck in neck for place of Most Awesome People I Know right now.

So, tonight, I recieved some.. feather-rumpling news. But before I embark on my long winded and pointless story, I need some back story first.

I have been waiting...and waiting...AND WAITING...for this weekend. I haven't seen Sam for three weeks and I miss him with a pain equal to being kicked in the face by a horse. (Now go think about getting kicked in the face by a horse. Yeah. I really miss him...THAT...BAD..)

I thought everything was going to go right this weekend. I could be with him, love the hell out of him, stare into his eyes like a moron.. Alright, I'm getting carried away. But honestly. I just.. I've been so excited for this, and I've never gone so long without seeing him.

(That God I finally got a car eh? Details later.)

Tonight.

Alyse texts me.

And I quote:

"By the way, be careful up there. *Up there being hot springs.* Cameron blogged about alcohol being involved, and that just scares me with those cliffs, you know?"

As you may or may not have been informed, this weekend Cameron, Cori, Sam, myself, Megan, Jerremy and Angelique were supposed to go to the hot springs. That needed to be thrown in.

Anyway, upon reading this, I promptly freak out. I should have just taken a few deep breaths and gone to read Cameron's blog myself, because that would have assauged some of the initial disappointment/anger/sadness/insert other vehement emotions that I was having.

But I didn't, and left the house to call Alyse and let off a head of steam.

This steam comprised of how much I hate Sam drinking, why I hate Sam drinking, and, after Alyse informed me that DJ and his girlfriend were also coming, how mad I was about that too. I think there was brief discussion on how Coriann would feel about this if she were in on the conversation, and I heavily considered calling her afterward, but became distracted.

Alyse was the true best friend I don't deserve and listened to me rant and almost cry about all my little insecurities and shattered views of the future.

Funny how someone mentioning alcohol can do that to you.

After I was done, I let her go back to her homework after taking her calming advice (go play with your cats and go to bed).

I didn't actually go home and do so, but instead wandered my neighborhood and the one opposite, lost in my own sad little world.

By this time I had texted Sam twice asking him to call me back, because I'd already initially called him before Alyse. I have a bad habit of imagining situations at their worst..and my imagination seriously needed to calm down.

Following the series of events so far?

So I wandered, my mind far from the path I was treading (bare-footed, mind you), and I had to temporarily pull myself back to earth in order to call Megan to inform her of the change of plans.

Change of plans being, I'm not going this weekend.

I told her there would be DJ+ alcohol, and I didn't want to put her in a compromising position with the two. I knew she couldn't handle DJ's personality, and would NOT want herself or her Jerremy around booze of any sort, so I did her a favor and let her know what was going on.

I'd like to say she sounded sad when she opted out... Maybe she was looking forward to it as much as I was.

She, as well as Alyse, had math homework to tackle, so I was once again left to my own devices. I still had not completed a full circut of the neighborhoods, but decided to make a retarded figure 8 of it all and go home.

After shoving myself into a slightly less emo frame of mind, I went inside to wait for Sam to call me.

(My frame of mind looked like this: For better or worse, come what may. I'm proud of myself.)

Sam eventually did call, and while he was panting like he'd just run a mile, I told him what Alyse had told me.

Alcohol presence.

Let me quickly add that I really don't care if DJ comes or not. I was just so angry and upset about the drinking side of this ordeal, that DJ just seemed to be an added stress that I didn't want. I can be around the guy. I have an extraordinary tolerance for people I wouldn't usually prefer to be around. It really doesn't bother me as much as I've made out so far that he is coming. Really. I promise.

Although I do sympathize with every rant Cori has ever had about him lol ;)

Okay, back to long, boring story.

Here's where my boyfriend becomes wonderful. Not like he wasn't already.

After sitting and failing to read Harry Potter, and feeling thoroughly sick to my stomach, right when I mentioned the drinking to Sam, he said he wouldn't touch a thing. He promised he wouldn't. To calm me even further, he said he wanted to talk to Cam and tell him he didn't want to be around any alcohol whatsoever if he was at the apartment. Period. Not near it, not around it, not aware of it's presence...nothing.

(Although I'll tell you..the tone that he said all that in made it sound like if he DID see any alcohol, that he'd jump on the bottle and drink the whole damn thing..which worries me quite a bit. But we'll discuss that later.)

So the hot springs seemed to be back on. Once I got off the phone with him, I went to read Cameron's blog. In it he said he wanted to drink, but NOT on the night that we went to the hot springs. God I wish I'd known THAT one sooner.. but oh well. In the back of my mind I already knew that Cameron, out of anyone, couldn't possibly be stupid enough to bring booze two and a half miles into a forest with six or seven raucous teenagers and young adults, at one in the morning. I mean come on. This kid is blessed with extraordinary brainpower. He doesn't take leave of his senses like that. Not anymore, anyway.

So I'm still going. Regretably, Alyse opted out earlier this week, for sensible reasons though, I might add, and Megan and Jerremy are no longer coming. Things have not turned out how I pictured them, but the picture still looks nice anyway, if not a bit muddied.

I still get to see my friends. I still get to be with the most wonderful guy I know, have known, and will ever know, and I get to have him all to myself for that night. And I still get to go up, and have a ton of fun Saturday night.

See? Life ain't so bleak after all!

Optomism is fun. :) I should try it more often.

Just kidding.

Okay... my car. Wow this thing is getting long.

My parents bought me a '94 Toyota Turcel that, when checked out by Firestone, was proclaimed a deal you'd have to be psychotic not to take advantage of.

It's in splendid condition, inside and out, minus the weird buckles, the non-automated windows, and a few stray strips of duct tape on the passenger seat. Oh, and the paint is coming off the top.

In all honesty, I don't really care. It's old, and mangy, and I'm totally in love with it. I don't know what to name her though.. I'd appreciate ideas.

I'm not allowed to drive her yet, because my parents are still working out all the stipulations, and haven't added me to the insurance. Never mind the need for registration and checking emissions.

Here, have a picture. Yep, that's her! *Beams with pride*

I probably should have made that bigger, but I don't want to go back through my whole blog a second time and fix the double spacing that this thing gives your blog if you insert a picture halfway through. Verry annoying. Lemme tell you.

But yes. My little two door ticket to freedom. How I love her. And all for $750.00! I'm such a good little bargain shopper!

(Okay, that last line is bullshit, if it weren't for my dad I'd still be car-less, waiting to sign a 5 year lease on a car that probably would only last two of those years from a car lot on the side of the road. So thanks, Dad. And Sam, if you read this, no insult meant. Hehe.)

I hardly even want to begin to consider... *pauses to burst out laughing*

OK!! So Juke was sleeping on my bed, and was twitching and stretching so much in his dreams that he just twitched himself off the bed! MY GOD! HILARIOUS! He looked so confused when the floor met his face.. tee hee.

Okay.

I hardly even want to consider upon the length of this blog, and it is 12:28 at night. I've been trying for a more family friendly bedtime lately.

So much love.

Thanks for persevering.

-Nessa-