Quite frankly, I don't know.

I just figured that I would write some stuff down considering that I'm sitting at work and my hands seem to be idle. Yes, I should probably be cleaning or something, but this seemed like a fairly good idea either way.
Okay, so I have been sitting at work covering for Megan this Saturday, and this Jamaican kid came in. He has sat here for the past two hours, mumbling on about stuff that I seriously can't hear him say ( I have the most horrible hearing), and honestly.. I want him to go away. He's funny, he's got an interesting life to talk about, that's for sure, but... I really don't trust him that much. I am the only one here most of the time because Alex is so in and out with his deliveries, and Angel had to leave early to go to her brother Shawn's college graduation.
I gave him pizza after the first hour, and right when he said he was leaving he asked if I had anything to drink, so I let him take a Sprite. Then, as he was getting up, he asked to use my phone.
After harboring a distinct distrust for him, I lied and said I was almost out of minutes, even though it's Saturday and I have unlimited, because, quite frankly, I don't want to lose my phone.
I know it all sounds racist and evil, but I promise it's not. I'm not like that. I'm just really paranoid.. and I worry a lot.
He asked to use Alex's phone and he let him, but.. ugh.
Finally. Gone.
Okay, I feel like I can breathe again.
I felt bad for him though, when he came in he had this HUGE gash on his arm from long boarding.. Angel got a napkin and put hand sanitizer all over and and just stuck it on his arm before getting band aids on it.. Oh it was so funny, you could tell it hurt him but he was trying so hard to be macho and strong about it.

Okay, enough about Jamaican Kid.

I applied for a job up at Micron, it pays fifteen bucks an hour and it's three to four days of work a week, off and on.
Like: Sun., Mon., Tues., Wed.
Then: Sun., Mon., Tues.
The Wednesdays are the swing shifts.
It's where my mom works, but despite the fact that I may be risking being stuck in a clean room twelve hours a day ( long shifts right??), I really want the job. I would make enough to be able to take care of myself, and start being able to do the stuff that I want to do.
My mom is like one of the few reasons I even have a chance thought. She knows the guy in charge of hiring, and her supervisor really, really likes her, thusly, he may be more willing to give me a chance in hopes that I'm not an epic fail and actually follow in my mother's footsteps.
I don't know.
I have a phone interview on Monday morning, and I'm really nervous. I am banking on getting this job more than I'm willing to admit, because seriously, I am at the end of my rope.
Sam is leaving in July, I am still working at the same dead end job that I have been for two years, I struggle to pay Angel's parents rent each month, and my car is slowly breathing it's last breath.
I need to get my life out of the gutter and up to where it should be; moving.

I really hope God cuts me some slack on this one.

I never actually got a pet, Angel's dad said no, and their family is going through some really hard stuff right now, so it's better that I do all I can not to put any more unnecessary pressure on them right now. I'm enough of a strain already.

Sam and I are still making it work (God only knows how), but I'm happy. We decided to stay together even though he's leaving for the Air Force.. and despite everything, I want to be able to be with him, even with the military keeping him away all the time.
I guess if it's not meant to be, it won't work, and if it is, it will.
I love him a lot... so you can be on what I'm hoping for.

Angel is running herself into the ground with two jobs and school, Alyse is happily away from Mike and up in the arms of Gaelen, it's Megan's birthday, and when she's not content with Jerremy she's as unhappy and angry as I've ever seen her. I miss Travis a lot because we don't talk anymore, and Alex is leaving on his mission in late July. Alaine is getting married in June and I don't think she'll invite me, though it breaks my heart. Brantley and Hayleigh are still together, even though it's obviously a bad relationship (Hayleigh's mom has been emailing me). Jorden is still with Alexis and is working at Paradise Bakery (happily I hope). I see Landon every once in a while when he comes into 5 Buck
Tyler has a crush on me, but he's awfully religious (NOT MY TYPE AT ALL) and it's starting to seem like he's pushing me for something. I don't like it.
Cameron is off in college and I only ever hear from him via The Blog Circle. Coriann texts me from time to time, which I appreciate, I do miss her terribly. I don't have a clue what Deena is even doing with her life at all anymore.. All I know is that she and Brandon are together. Rob is in jail and Amber is trying to make it as a single mom while she waits for him to be able to come home.
Everyone else is in college or going on a mission or getting married..

Oh, and I did my hair again. Back to the orange streaks. Huzzah!!
And salon hair products are God's gift to women.
I really want a puppy. Or a kitten. I don't really care which.
Dubstep is amazing.

Night all.
-Nessa-

Hot Springs Visit #1

Well last night was the beginning of the season for hot spring visits.
Myself, Angelique, Tyler and Zack were the only ones going this time. Megan was supposed to come, but she decided to be courteous to Shauna and not come home uuber psycho late. (Which we did, I checked my phone before I went to bed and it said 4:37, so I'm pretty sure that we got home around four. I had to shower and all that of course.. the sulphuric stench is sort of overpowering, as you all know..)

Anywho. It was tons of fun, Zack and Tyler had never been. Zack decided to be a putz and freak me out by walking along the wrong side of the path, narrowly dodging holes and sudden drop-aways in the path.
I was all worried Tyler was going to fall off the path. I think I just worry too much. Being scared of heights is horrible.

When we got there it was pretty late, so everyone was either leaving or getting ready to leave. The four of us crawled over to the hot pot we discovered last time, and proceeded to spend the next two or three hours talking and playing the stupidest games. And bothering Zack. For example.
"Hey, Jenessa, do you wanna go to the moon?"
"Yeah sure Tyler, I'll bring jam for sandwiches. What are you bringing?"
"A tractor! Angel, what are you bringing?"
"Apple juice. Zack, what are you bringing?"
"A rock."
"You can't bring a rock."
"What, why can't I bring a rock?"
*another few rounds of questions, during which Zack becomes more and more frustrated*
"Zack, what are you bringing?"
"A BIKE!"
"You can't bring a bike!"
"I HATE THIS GAME, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE!!"
*another few rounds*
"Zack, what are you bringing to the moon?"
"I don't know, I'm not playing, this is stupid."
"Really, you haven't caught on yet?"
"....*pouts* There's nothing cool that starts with a 'z'."

Also, none of them know the English language. We started playing twenty questions and they all got stuck on the exact definition of 'inanimate', a word that I decided to throw out.
"Is it a spaceship?"
"No, Zack."
"A robot?"
"No, Zack."
"Mars?"
"ZACK! QUIT WASTING QUESTIONS!!"
"A dead giraffe??"
"ZACK!!!!"
"*sigh* Okay, any relevant questions?"
"A VIBRATING DILDO!!"
"Holy shit, okay, Zack, you can't play anymore."
"A BIG PINK ONE!"
"Fail."

(I'm not joking, he said ALL of that. And they were his fall back answers when he started getting frustrated. I think he has a hidden fascination with the sci-fi world.)

Tyler was such a good sport, I'm always afraid I'm going to end up offending him with some joke, or one of us will go overboard on swearing, or just.. something. But he really seems to be okay. Matter of fact, he's basically a total pervert, right along with Zack.
"You guys can make out anytime now." (That's Zack as Angel is crawling all over me.)
"Shove it Zack, Angel, get OFF!"


Before we left:
Tyler: "You two share a room?"
Me and Angel: "Yeah."
T: "You sleep in the same bed?"
M: "Every night. We even cuddle."
A: "We have a ferret in here sometimes too. Or the cat. Or all the dogs. It gets pretty kinky."
T: *evil smile* "Can I watch?"
M: "YOUR DISGUSTING, GET OUT!!"

The walk back down the mountain was horrible, Tyler's huge flashlight died, and the only light we had was from my phone. Plus, it was cold enough to see our breath. I felt really bad for Zack though, he was the only one not smart enough to bring his pants up with us, so he had to walk back down in his swim trunks. I've got to hand it to him, honestly. I never would have made it, it was SO freaking cold.

We also discovered that Zack can do an amazing impression of Mickey Mouse. As a big group was leaving, he quite suddenly yells:
"OH BOY!!"
Just like Mickey Mouse. Like, perfectly. He also decided to yell at some girl:
"HEY, ARE YOU FAT OR ARE YOU PREGNANT?!"
As you can see he is very respectful and was bestowed with uncommonly good manners.
Not.

I don't know. I had TONS of fun, despite the cold, and Angel almost running us off the road because she felt like letting the car cruise at 45 down a steep winding road. Thank God for seat belts, eh?

Angel and I have decided to have an epic summer with these guys, doing a whole bunch of random stuff. I just hope Zack doesn't get his ship date. That would sort of ruin our evil plans.

Yep. Love my life right now.
Oh, and I slept in until twelve. Best night's sleep I've had in a long time.

My HTML is broken?

So I get it.

Because I have been with people, forcibly or not, for about a month or so straight now, with no time to myself, I am starting to push everyone away.
I don't want to answer when anyone calls, I don't want to text back unless it's a totally pointless conversation that I know won't end in 'So we should chill sometime."
I don't even answer for my parents. I think the only person I really WANT to see is Sam, because he is the only person I don't see frequently enough!

It's always wake up, donate, go to work, hang out with Angel all day, Nessa come pick me up, hey, let's do something, can you take me here, wanna come over?

I LOVE the attention that I get from people, I love being in social environments in general as long as I am as far from the spotlight as possible.. But the utter lack of me time has made me want to just hit pause and go camp in the mountains above Angel's house for a few days until I think I can handle people again.

I'm also getting tired of things that qualify as totally immature. My version of immature is probably immature to other people.. but still. I'm old enough now to say, 'Hey, I know you know what your talking about, but shut up for a second because I DO actually know some shit.'

I think I have used the word 'immature' more in the past few months that I have in my entire life haha.

And I'm sure that it's immature to sit here venting about all the things that seriously piss me off.. but sometimes that is the only way I can efficiently let off steam and get my head clear.

Honestly, when I stress too much about finances, I have to write everything down and do the math, or else I am fidgety and restless and keep freaking out. I truly CANNOT calm down until I see my results on paper and can reassure myself.

Weird right?

I picked that up from my Dad. He writes everything, and plans his life two weeks in advance. It's not a big deal for things to change within those next two weeks... he just likes having the general idea of where everything is going right there for him to observe.

Side note: Miss Cori, I am so very happy that you have found your scuba boy, I REEEEEEEEAAALLLLYYYYYY want you to post pictures :) All the going on about how great he is and I don't even know what he looks like! C'mon! This is an insult to our friendship!!!! At this point I tried to insert a heart.. but Blogger told me I couldn't put one there. It said my HTML was broken. (Your all going 'I GET IT NOW!!"

I love you.

Seriously.

Post pics.

Anyway. Back to grouching.

I think I need to live on my own. Not in an apartment with friends, not in Angel's basement renting from her dad.. I need to be me. Be accountable for my own actions. I need to learn how to take care of myself, how to cope with being alone, because that is probably how life is going to be for the next little while.

I don't mean alone as in minus Sam or friends in general.. I just mean being on my own.

Also, the more I do the math for the money in my head, the more it seems like I am going to get screwed over by myself and other people if I live with a group. Someone will flake, or I will lose my job.. end result: We all drag each other down.

So I just want my own place up at Wolverine Crossings, with a roommate that I don't know, and my own pack of responsibility weighing down on my shoulders.

Besides. I really have to learn how to manage money. This is starting to get silly lol. I spend every spare penny I have to spend, and Megan finally called me on it tonight. I know I am getting out of hand again, and am starting to spend what I shouldn't.

I shit you not, I almost bought myself a four-hundred dollar Malti-Pom. Maltese/Pomeranian. I was gonna get a loan for two hundred.. so it would have only been two hundred... but yes, that is a lot of money, and a dog is another expense.

I'm insane, I know.

Anyway, I got to go.. I love you all and thanks for getting to the end of this. I'd love to hear thoughts.

-Nessa-

YOU KNOW WHY!!

Nothing new on the home front. I spent the day with Angel's family for Easter, then made my way to Megan's house afterward to eat some of her and Jerr's easter dinner as well. Purely coincidental, I assure you.

There's one problem with blogger. Sometimes you want to write a blog to only certain people, and make it so others can't see what you wrote. There should be an approved viewing list or something.. *sigh*

Can't have you cake and eat it too.

The phrase that basically describes my life right now.

It seems like I always have somewhere to go, somewhere to be, someone to hang out with, and not enough money or time to accomplish everything that needs accomplishing. And because I live with Angel now, I am NEVER alone, I NEVER get to just lie in bed and think anymore.

She's gone tonight, and I won't pretend it's not a welcome relief to just be able to turn on my music and write something down, knowing I won't be disturbed.

There's a lot of idiotic drama going on right now. Alyse and Mike *massive sigh* Which I can't talk about because I don't know if Mike's mom still reads my blog. You know what? I actually don't care right now. I'll keep it short.

Point being, it goes like this.

Alyse: Mike, call me, hang out with me, talk to me, be yourself with me, open up, let me know what's going on, etc.

Mike: *cricket noises*

It's all just getting stupid, repetitive, and so obviously pointless it makes me want to punch walls and punt small animals across the lawn. And trust me, the fact that Angel's house is crawling with small animals does not help this odd and evil craving.

Me and Sam.

We're back together.

Beyond that, pass.

I work, I donate, I eat, I sleep.

Have you ever seen those videos of people standing still while life rushes on all around them? It feels like that for me. I go places, I do things, but in the end, it's all a big blur. I come home so late at night and just collapse, only to wake intermittently during the night, and not really sleep at all. I walk around in a haze all the time, and I could probably fall asleep at the drop of a hat, anywhere at all. I'm getting really tired of it. There are very few times now that it doesn't feel that way.

For anyone who has seen What Happens in Vegas, the line is from the end where the guy gets punched in the balls by the main character's two best friends, and the girl goes "YOU KNOW WHY!!"

I feel like life is punching me in the face and screaming the same thing. Like every day. This could get old pretty fast.

-Nessa-