My birthmom, among others.

Tonight merited a blog for a completely unexpected reason.
Some of you may know Colby Goodman. I am quite sure that the vast majority of you know his little sister Alyse, one of my best friends in the world.
A year ago today, Colby and his girlfriend Courtney gave up their baby to a couple by the names of John and Melinda Turner
I stumbled upon Courtney and Melinda's blogs by total accident today. I got on Facebook (A rare occasion, let me tell you) and Courtney had a link posted to her own blog, of her thoughts the day her little Smokey/Sam was given up to his new family.
From there I followed a link to Melinda's blog, Smokey/Sam's new mom.
*To spare confusion/annoyance I'm going to just call the baby Smokey, okay?*
I got to read each mother's perspective of that day, the nervousness and the total heartbreak. The gratitude expressed by Melinda toward Courtney was astounding.
She said that she was in awe of what Courtney gone through for her baby, and thought that it was the most selfless thing that anyone could do as a human being, giving up their child.
I'll admit, as wimpy as this sounds, I ended up crying just a bit by the end of Melinda's blog. It was just so touching. But what got me at the end was the thought of "That's what my mom did for me."

I don't think I'm grateful enough to my own mother for that. She gave me up, her first daughter, to a better family, because she loved me and wanted me to grow up and be happy.
Living with my own family has been a far cry from easy, and my own anger and respite seems to have really gotten in the way of the big picture that is my life.
Sure it hasn't been easy. What teen has a totally easy time with their parents? (With the exception of those odd and lucky few).
But there was someone in this world who loved me more than she had ever loved anything, and because of that, gave me up to a family she trusted to raise me and take care of me.

I want to find my mom again. Especially after reading about Courtney and Melinda. I've never wanted it this bad before.

I talked to Angelique's friend Adelaide, who is also adopted, and already of the legal age of 18 and found her mother. She said it was the most amazing experience she's ever had. She found another family that she fit in with completely, and now she talks to her birthmom every Sunday and enjoys having this interaction.
I just home I can meet my own birthmother and have that same sort of connection. I never really felt like anything was ever missing from my life, in the "I'm adopted" sense, but now I just really want to be able to find that other part of me I don't know about.
Even if nothing insane happens, I just hope I will get to have the priviledge of meeting the person who brought me into this world, and tell her how... I don't even have words for it.
Grateful to her hardly covers it.
I guess tell her I love her. Love her for what she did for me.

I've never thougth about loving my birthmom before. But now, even though I don't know her, I do. I love what she did for me. And I want to be able to tell her that someday soon.

Sorry I'm getting all teary-eyed and sentimental. But I really did want to share that. Try not to laugh at me too hard.

-Nessa-