The kitten that never was.

I got a kitten from the shelter.
He was adorable. The tips of his ears lopped down, so he always looked grouchy. A little tabby, with white paws, Hhe was skinny and cuddlly and seemed like all he needed was a good home and some food to eat.
He was put to sleep last night, after two days of loving, because he had feline distemper, and I couldn't pay to save his life.
Albeit, it would have been over one thousand dollars.
I feel like a failure.
I miss my Yoda.

I'm not owning pets anymore. I'm cursed. I've killed two kittens now.

His Infernal Majesty

*This was meant to be posted on Thursday night*

Self -reliance is a wonderful thing. But dependency on others undermines that, and becomes, ultimately, your greatest weakness in the conquest of life. Ideally, a person should have no acquaintances, no relationships in the outer world, so that ever decision made would be a selfish, inward facing, and ultimately personally beneficial one. (At least in the eyes of the decision-maker.)

But relationships make you weak. They make you cry. They make you hesitate and give up precious seconds that could have otherwise made all the difference when choosing or creating one outcome or another.

It is, to my relationships, that I write this. And please, realize that I'm not saying any of this because I have ever not, for even one second in time, enjoyed your company.

Cynicism is simply a terrible beat to war with.

Have you ever had a night where you needed to be with someone, a certain someone, and, oddly enough, the someone that you would never expect to want to be with.

Imagine that, but imagine also, not being able to be with them. To have to deal with an odd pining emotion that does nothing but eat at you all night long, as sleep evades you.

I have been separate from problems for a long time. I have avoided drama, and kept my small life intact quite well. Once I finally stopped screwing around as far as education was concerned and just got my shit together as best I knew how, things started to change.

During this time, I discovered who my real friends were. Those few people that stay with you through everything, those are the people who matter. The ones that fuck up, fuck you up, and fuck up with you, then say sorry, those are the ones that you want to keep around.

But loving other people makes your life harder. You don't stop to think about what loving them will do to you. You don't realize that one day your going to wake up and have to pick. Them, or You.

And if I know myself at all, I will always pick Them. I will always give up what I cannot afford to lose for the people I care about. I will do my utmost to go out of my way to make a sad friend happy again. I will try my hardest to live up to what a friend needs me most to be in a friendship.

I will give a guy my heart, I will do my best to make him happy. I will give him whatever he wants, I will love him to my limit and beyond, and I will stretch myself thin and tired doing all of this. And I will keep doing it.

Humans are selfish. So am I. Deciding to be selfless and giving will not change this fact. Even a monk devoting his life to a deity in which he and his whole soul believes in and upon.. even he will occasionally consider "What if?"

What if I take what is not mine?

What if I take for granted that for which I should be grateful?

What if I lie to those who deserve the truth?

What if?

There are very few people in my life to which these questions do not apply. There are so very few people to whom I will always owe my utmost thanks, and my undying love and gratitude.

You a mudder-fukker!! He he ;)

Anyway.. so this weekend was once again spent in Logan. Wanna hear the catch? It snowed. A lot.
I left on Saturday morning with the intent of going to my old friend Ryan's house; he's from my program and I hadn't seen him for almost two years. He has been in rehab until not too long ago, and it was the most wonderful thing ever to see him again.
I think I know why he is one of only two people from my program with which I hold any correspondece anymore.
We are so..alike. We get along, we constantly tease each other, and that inhibiting shyness I seem to get with everyone, I never get with him. Normally, if someone I haven't heard from in a long time calls me, I won't answer the phone because I worry over and over about 'What do I say to them? I don't want awkward lulls in conversation.. What if they want to hang out? I'm going to be bored if we do/They will be bored if we do...' The list for this apprehensive madness goes on and on..
But when Ryan called me two weeks ago, I saw his name and all but snapped my phone in half trying to answer the call.
It's shocking how much I've missed him. I very rarely get along with anyone THAT well..
It's cuz he's an ass, that's why. I've figured it out. No guy has ever teased me as much as he does and gotten away from it unharmed, only Ryan hehehe..

So anyway, on the way to Ryan's in Roy, I nearly got killed. I was in the little Honda, our dinky red car, and I got boxed in by three semi trucks (I was in an outer lane) going like seventy on icy, snowy roads, with limited visibility. So I thought it was all over for me. Then, later on, once I was near Roy, I got stuck behind a bulldozer who was spraying snow everywhere, and this stuff was complete powder, so it shot into the air and whitewashed everything. Including me. Which meant that I couldn't see worth a damn not even five feet in front of me. I thought I hated driving in the rain.. oh no, ladies and gentlemen, I'll drive in the rain every day of my life if it means I never have to drive in a blizzard again.

I was only minorly traumatized by the time I got to Ryan's house. I hung out with him for like five hours (as if that was enough, I have to go up and see him again, there's a lot more catching up to do lol) then I ran from Willard to the Logan canyon.
That canyon is evil. It was sent from hell to devour innocent little teens traveling to see their significant others at USU.
I followed this jeep at less than thirty miles per hour for almost an hour through a winding path that I couldn't actually see.. matter of fact, I couldn't see anything, not even five feet around me, although trust me when I say I wasn't busy sightseeing throughout that drive. In fact the only thing I remember is the two red backlights off the jeep and line of tire tread tracks in front of me that I followed while I prayed asking God to let me live...

The weekend up there was fun, I got to go with Sam and his friends to pick up a guy named Preston from jail... Preston is sort of totally awesome, and it was really nice to see him.
Sam has some crazy friends though.. His friend Jessie and her friend..hmm, it started with a J too.. well, either way, they are both totally insane, and talk like kids, and are more hyper than anyone I've ever met.. and also completely awesome. I don't know why he still dates me, I look like a boring old hag standing next to them lol. They were singing and yelling the whole way to the jail and back, and around a couple places before we went home. The title of my blog was what the unnamed girl kept yelling out the window at people, it was hilarious.

You know, it's funny. I spend the weekend up there doing nothing, just watching shows online with Sam, taking the occasional trip out, or just getting food to live off of. And even though I get bored out of my mind sometimes, it's really all ok.. cuz I'm with Sam. Bored as I am, I get to hold his hand while I do it. I get to kiss him during the twenty-five second commericals, and I get to fall asleep with him partially crushing me.
That's why I can't sleep at night. He isn't lying on my arm and leg, and no amount of stuffed animals can make up the difference. Trust me. I've tried.
I'll just get a giant six foot tall doll stuffed with beans to sleep with. That'll work wonderfully...
jk

Now for the painful part. I had made it to Logan. My parents didn't know. I was alive. I even made it home in one piece. And then, pulling into the driveway, I took the turn too sharp annnnndd... totally hit the fence post and messed up the side of our little red car. Fuck. My. Life.
The snow of course was the culprit, I would have been fine if the car hadn't have lost it's grip on the driveway and slid sideways...
Of course, getting it unstuck from the snow and everything else got the side damaged even worse, but really? What can I do. I just have to save up and help my parents out. It was my fault, and I'll take responsibility.. it just sucks, you know?

The final upside to my day (the car not counting as an upside) was that my brother's belated birthday gift for me came in from Japan. :)
He got me real silk bedsheets.

REAL.

SILK.

BEDSHEETS.

LIKE OH MY GOD.

As you can tell, I am thoroughly stoked over this. He also got me a really pretty necklace, I absolutely love it.
Have I ever mentioned I love my brother?

So I think that's all the interesting stuff that's happened to me, random thoughts in between... Hope everyone is having a lovely time pre-holiday explosion.

LOVE YOU ALL!!
-Nessa-

The G.E.D.

Well, my scores came in online today.
Shock/stun: I passed everything. I sucked at Math and Science (Sadly, I thought I did well on Science at the very least). I did really well at Language Arts and Social Studies though. (I'm so confused about that though, because Social Studies was all this political shit that I TOTALLY guessed on, I had no clue what I was doing).
They don't grade the writing section of the test for a bit, it takes about one or two weeks to process, but I think I passed that too, considering English is my strongest point.
I scored above average on everything, since average is like 450/800... but that's really not saying much.



Hmm. I'm not going to go to college until fall semester I decided. One reason would be a bigger selection of class choices, which Sam brought to my attention. Another is that I want to save money, since I've had to be spending so, so, SO much of it as of late.
You might wanna tack on a 'I'm not going yet just because I'm lazy' too.. because I'm sure that has something with it.
We're taking accomplishent one step at a time folks, no headlong rushes into fantasies of educational success here.

Just another day in the life.
Oh, I got a new mattress. That's a nice something to throw in.

*sigh*
-Nessa-