Self -reliance is a wonderful thing. But dependency on others undermines that, and becomes, ultimately, your greatest weakness in the conquest of life. Ideally, a person should have no acquaintances, no relationships in the outer world, so that ever decision made would be a selfish, inward facing, and ultimately personally beneficial one. (At least in the eyes of the decision-maker.)
But relationships make you weak. They make you cry. They make you hesitate and give up precious seconds that could have otherwise made all the difference when choosing or creating one outcome or another.
It is, to my relationships, that I write this. And please, realize that I'm not saying any of this because I have ever not, for even one second in time, enjoyed your company.
Cynicism is simply a terrible beat to war with.
Have you ever had a night where you needed to be with someone, a certain someone, and, oddly enough, the someone that you would never expect to want to be with.
Imagine that, but imagine also, not being able to be with them. To have to deal with an odd pining emotion that does nothing but eat at you all night long, as sleep evades you.
I have been separate from problems for a long time. I have avoided drama, and kept my small life intact quite well. Once I finally stopped screwing around as far as education was concerned and just got my shit together as best I knew how, things started to change.
During this time, I discovered who my real friends were. Those few people that stay with you through everything, those are the people who matter. The ones that fuck up, fuck you up, and fuck up with you, then say sorry, those are the ones that you want to keep around.
But loving other people makes your life harder. You don't stop to think about what loving them will do to you. You don't realize that one day your going to wake up and have to pick. Them, or You.
And if I know myself at all, I will always pick Them. I will always give up what I cannot afford to lose for the people I care about. I will do my utmost to go out of my way to make a sad friend happy again. I will try my hardest to live up to what a friend needs me most to be in a friendship.
I will give a guy my heart, I will do my best to make him happy. I will give him whatever he wants, I will love him to my limit and beyond, and I will stretch myself thin and tired doing all of this. And I will keep doing it.
Humans are selfish. So am I. Deciding to be selfless and giving will not change this fact. Even a monk devoting his life to a deity in which he and his whole soul believes in and upon.. even he will occasionally consider "What if?"
What if I take what is not mine?
What if I take for granted that for which I should be grateful?
What if I lie to those who deserve the truth?
What if?
There are very few people in my life to which these questions do not apply. There are so very few people to whom I will always owe my utmost thanks, and my undying love and gratitude.
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