Sorry, Your Breaking Up

So here it goes.

Sam and I.. we took a break. Our relationship had lost some of the shine, and while all relationships are bound to do that at some point or another, it was all just.. 'off'' enough for me to get stupid and go "Hey, something's wrong, let's take a break, let it work itself out."

It has been two days.. and every new hour that passes makes me think just a little bit harder.. Is this really it? Is this where it ends? Is this the break that gets turned into a break-up?

Here's where you ask, "Well, Nessa, is that what you want? Do you want to break up with Sam?"

Obvious answer: No.

More intricate and yet still obvious answer: No. I'm in love with him.

The idiotic and furry (and still obvious) answer: I think I've found the guy that I could be crazy about for the next fifty years, and still get a stupid grin on my face when I wake up and see him snoring with his mouth half open, drooling on a pillow. He's made me happier than I can ever remember, and while our relationship isn't a Disney fairytale... God. What am I doing...?.. It has still been..the absolute best... one year.. seven months.. and nine days I've ever spent with anyone.

Love makes thismuchsense. Exactly. None at all. It's deranged, and stupid, and pointless, and drives you to do ridiculous and retarded things in the name of it. You cry over it, you cry for it, you cry with it, you cry without it, you cry when you see it, you cry when you can't find it, you cry when you lose it, you cry when you get it back.

Summary: I have cried more in the past week than I have in the last couple months.

I promise this doesn't have anything to do with the excessive amount of chic flicks that I have been watching at purposefully inopportune times.

And that, children, is what we call a lie.

I.

Me.

That person over there with the brown hair.

She's really confused and lost right now.

She doesn't know who she is, and she doesn't know who she wants to be. She did.. not to long ago, she really did. Or thought she did anyway.

He said, take all the time you need. I understand. I get it. I love you. Take all the time you need. Well, baby, what if you get tired of waiting? What if you don't to anymore? You promised.. you PROMISED ME, then when I was ready, you'd be there. You did. You said it.

You never break your promises to me. Especially if you pinky swear. Probably should have made you do that.. Oh well, too late now, I'm putting you through enough as it is.

He wrote me a letter. I've read it at least four times so far. Just holding it makes me feel better. Silly of me really. I'm such a nostalgic pack-rat.

I can promise you, I'll find the damn thing in a closet sometime when I'm thirty-seven and have two or three kids of my own and go "Oh my God! I still have this!" Then do one of two things.

Go find Sam and giggle about it, because stuff worked out or..

... I don't cope very well.

I have a lot of stuff to work on, inside and out. Time is going to take it's sweet own, and slowly grind over every hour that I have to spend fixing myself so I can be with the perfect guy, even if it's for just another month, or another year, or maybe a couple.. or for a good long time.

He's worth it though.

Dammit, I've never met a guy more worth it.

Samuel Tooley, your a pain in the ass, and I'm in love with you.

Romantic of me, I know.

Pay close attention the the middle part.

And the last part.

There are endless amounts of books, movies, and songs written and created for the very purpose of defining love in a thousand, million, billion ways.

It makes the world go 'round.

Silly, really. God gave us a brain, but at the end of the day, it's never the last thing we think with.

Goodnight.

-Nessa-

Registered Voter

Yep, that's me. I've officially thrown out the line to be able to be a part of politics. I know I'll do nothing about it, but I guess it's nice to have the choice in that, yes?

Um, news.

I'm not sure if I can talk about me and Sam, so I'll leave that be, and you can text me with questions.

I got myself involved in a commission only financial aid program/job in Pleasant Grove (I'm flinching, waiting for your disgusted and skeptical comments to that), and I'm really hoping that I can learn the system and be able to excel, and if not, at least learn a little more about how to manage my finances. I don't see it as too much of a drawback to me if it doesn't work out.. so whatever.

I'm trying to pick a pen name. Suggestions?

Love you all.

-Nessa-

Children

I'm not used to them, I never grew up with them, I was the youngest in the family, and don't know how to act around them.

They are loud, obnoxious, and spend the vast majority of their time doing things meant only to get your attention, or draw attention to themselves.

Babies, I can handle babies. They aren't a problem. They are small, and there is a much less complicated list of things to do in order to keep them happy. I used to absolutely terrified of holding one (I do suffer under the delusion that if I hold a baby it will either break or fall out of my hands for no reason), but after Sam and Amber convinced me to hold Amber's little baby Kara, I think I'm on the path to get over that particular fear.

Kids past a certain age, once the word -teen is in their age, that's fine. They are in school, they are capable of entertaining themselves, they have little friends they can call over, and have them help destroy whatever house they happen to be unleashed upon.
But if kids don't have anyone to hang out with because you decided to send them to private school (private school equals no social life since the kids sent there range further abroad than public school kids) and make them clear all play dates with two parents who work and go to school (basically spending the vast majority of their time unreachable and out of the home) then kids can get..pretty bothersome.

And to think, I want two of these? Maybe my perspective will change over time. Or maybe my kids won't turn out how I fear. Or maybe I shouldn't have kids.

I don't know. Anyone care to share a perspective?

We All Roll Along

Well, living at Angel's house has been about as fun as an eternal sleepover.. except for the part where her little sister is screeching in off-key opera at seven or eight in the morning. Did I mention her ENTIRE family is up before the crack of dawn?
And here I am, the kid used to being the only child, with two parents that work, leaving me alone most of the day anyway, and definitely leaving me in peace to sleep.

Here was the plan when I left home.

• Move to Angel's
• Live there till the end of March, meanwhile saving money for a down payment at Wolverine Crossings
• Sign a one year lease at Wolverine Crossings

This plan has changed to:

• Live at Angel's for an undefined amount of time and start paying her parents' rent.
• Hem and haw about attending school
• Save money for my car that is breaking down faster by the second
• Possibly move with Angel's family to Florida this summer/fall

I'm retarded, right?

Last week was insane, I worked every single day and there just seemed to be too much to do and not enough hours to do it. I got almost no sleep and felt continually drained due to that, and the fact that I am now donating plasma twice a week in a desperate effort to bring in more money. ($190 extra per month, can't hurt, right?)
Sam and I went to Logan to see some of his old friends... yeah, I'm pretty sure that was about the best 24 hours of my life...EVER. Some of you already know what really happened, some of you do not, and should you care to know, by all means, text me and I'll fill you in.

My car's transmission has been slowly dying on me, and recently it's achieved tragically large proportions of... dead-ness. My car jerks and shudders and has no acceleration at all (much to the anger of ANYONE following me) and the longer I have it out, the worse it gets.
Also, I have loose and worthless battery cables, and finally they gave up on me today. Sam and I went to Kohlers briefly earlier this afternoon, and when we got back to my car, it refused to start. Usually just jiggling the wires gets it going again, and I've had to do this on numerous occasions, but this time, nothing would revive it. I kicked and shook the car, and twiddled with the cables endlessly, along with Sam, but it just sat there, being the lowly, rejected piece of junk that it is.
SO.
I got a ride to work and Sam and his dad (bless him and his entire family), are going to try to revive my car tonight.

On the upside, Sam's mom had me come over and showed me how to make pie crust so that I could have cherry pie. I had been craving it the other night when she, myself and Sam were playing 5 Crowns, so she decided to be really nice and help me out.
The reason we were at Kohlers and had to deal with my worthless car is because we ended up needing an extra can of cherries.

Such is life.

The weather is cold and terribly windy up here. Last night when I got home, I got out of my car, and got very freaked out. Angel's street is very long and wide, with far-spaced street lamps. Where I was was dark, and when I got out of my car, it was like stepping into a horror movie.
Wind whistling down a deserted street, making lone leaves rattle against barren branches, dancing against a black night sky..
Yeah, that sort of creepy. I would not have been surprised if a horde of zombies had slowly descended upon me from down the road.... Egh. I hate Utah weather.

Sam is still trying to get into the Air Force, and that's going well, when it's going. So far his military ambition has contained a lot of frustration, and twice as much waiting for the recruiter to call him, or call him back. I think they ignore you on purpose, just to see how determined you really are at joining...
Point being, I still don't know if/when he is going to leave, and that fact is keeping me all tied up in myself.

I want to go to Florida, but I don't want to leave if Sam isn't already gone. Also, when he is on leave, he will then have to bounce back and forth between Florida and Utah, and that'll only make it so I see even less of him than the three times a year I would already have to be with him.
*Arm cramps up* I don't type enough anymore.
ANYWHO.
I also would have to find schools out there.. I don't know. The more I think about it, Florida seems to be a flight of fancy that I would be better off putting out of my mind. I know Angel is leaving to go there, partially because her mother is going to continue her massage therapy education there, and partially because Angel has the urge to join a good culinary school there.
I'll miss her terribly when she leaves.

Hmmm..... what else...

Alice in Wonderland was pretty freaking awesome. I saw it opening night in 2-D (They were selling tickets at the IMAX for 3-D at $25 bucks a ticket!!) I have also since seen it in 3-D, and decided that, while each have their qualities of goodness, I would prefer 2-D, because it doesn't hurt my eyes.
Still, don't get me wrong, 3-D is amazing.

I still have my dead-end, yet fun, job at 5 Buck, and miss the good old days when Sam and Cameron ordered their usuals and then, in thanks, broke the only bench in 5 Buck. Good times.

Much love, thanks for reading.
-Nessa-

That blue is getting me high, making me low.

I don't claim to know how the world works. Hell, I don't claim to even begin to understand how my own life works.

Apparently 95% of human behavior is predictable.

And I know that whatever percent of statistics are made up on the spot. But that's not the point here.

If we are so predictable, if everything really is just how it seems and all it takes is an extra perceptive glance... then why is the world the way that it is?

The unfairness of it all.

Poll time.

1. If a guy cheats on a girl, the girl should leave him?

2. When you cheat, you don't love you significant other.

I miss my old friends, I miss my old life, I miss those memories that now only pictures can remind me of. I wish for summer, I dream of last year, I pray for tomorrow, and I wish today would end faster.

Motto for today:

God give me the strength to accept those things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

That's a piece of the Serenity Prayer. Probably the only quote I will ever seriously consider tattooing on my body.

I know this blog is all over the place, but so is my mind tonight. I don't know up from down, and all the things I wish I could spill out have to stay inside.

Such is human nature.

Dream lovely dreams.

-Nessa-