I consider this a momentous occasion

I have been employed by 5 Buck pizza for two and a half years, almost exactly.
(Before any of you start thinking this.. no.. sadly, I did not quit or anything epic like that.)
But only slightly less interesting than a dramatic fight with my boss in which I toss my shirt on the ground and walk through the doors into a blazing sunset shining of freedom...
Is the fact that I took my first delivery today :)
It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, and the lady handed me exact change and a four dollar tip.
Yes, I really am blogging about a pizza delivery, okay? I'm proud of myself.
But the address was wrong so the house I stopped at, the lady who lived there goes to give me directions and pulls out the most hardcore ward map I've ever seen in my life! Sheesh, who needs street view on Google Maps when you've got something that detailed..
So she sent me on my way to a rest home down the street, and life was peachy.

Aside from the pointlessness above, I do believe I haven't anything more to add to the benefit of society.
Have a lovely day, a wonderful evening, a fantabulous night, and sweet dreams when they come to you!
-Nessa-

I like Cameron's idea

We should all buy webcams and make movies of ourselves every once and a while. I mean, you read everyone's blogs, and that's all fine and dandy, but hearing a familiar voice and seeing a familiar face seems more.. personal.
Besides, we're all friends here :)

In other news.. there is no news. Sam will be home before Halloween (Ya'll should get your costumed asses up here to see him).

Oh, right, my phone.
So I went to Lagoon yesterday and I had my phone in my pocket. Well, after the first roller coaster, it wasn't in my pocket anymore.
2,000 pictures and videos over the last two years of my life, gone in one fell swoop. All the apartment picture, Juke, Cameron in duck pjs, Sam wasted off his butt, Deena holding Mishka, the tattoo fest.. poof.
This makes me extremely angry.

I am now the proud owner of a G2, the sexy upgrade of my phone, but I am still in deep mourning for my old one. I still hold out hope that I will get a call from Lagoon saying they retrieved my phone in twenty three pieces and that one of those pieces has my media card, safe and intact.

Hopefully sometime soon I'll be in school like our dear Mr. Cameron.

Loves and hugs to you all.
-Nessa-

When Life Comes Full Circle

It's interesting to see the way life takes its twists and turns. People come and go, things start and end, and you say 'It's such a small world' entirely too much by the close of the day.
But today something interesting happened. A person I swore to myself I would never see or trust as a friend again came back into my life, and I saw what I thought I'd never see.
He's different.
And we'll call him Taylor. (Him, he, and 'that guy' get annoying to type over and over again.)
Cam, you'll probably remember when Sam and I broke up because of a letter that was sent to my family, about six months into our relationship. You helped talked Sam through that, at the apartment, and the end result was Sam deciding to stay with me. You played a large role in that, and I don't know if I ever said thank you for it.
This guy, Tayor, was the one who, in part, wrote that letter.
I had written Taylor off as the most manipulative, deceitful, self serving person I have ever met. Through friends I kept tabs on him at a distance, for a year and a half after the.. 'letter incident'. Most of what I heard about him only reinforced my decision to keep him out of my life forever.
Taylor and I started talking not to long ago, as we had for brief periods over the year and a half of estrangement, and I thought the same things I always did. 'He wants something from me, what's he gaining from this, be careful, Jenessa, be careful."
And I always was. I still am.
But today, I am pretty sure that I got as close to an apology as he was capable of, for what he did.
An apology was all I ever wanted. The incriminating letter had been the culmination of two people putting their heads together and writing out everything I had ever done that could get me in trouble with my parents, and out of a relationship with Sam. The other involve-ee had already said sorry, in what I felt was a legitimately sincere and heart-felt way. I never saw nor further sought a reason to hold them accountable for what they had done after that.
It was an eye-for-an-eye situation anyway.
But I held onto my grudge against my Taylor. I never let go what he had done to my life, neither did Sam, and I feel we were both justified in our anger and mistrust.
And after all the time that passed, I just wanted Taylor to, at the very least, acknowledge that what he did was wrong. His reasoning behind it was sound; he was a friend worried for another friend's safety and happiness. But there was an edge of jealousy and vengeance to the letter he sent. And I wanted an apology for taking all my trust in him, and throwing that, along with three years of close friendship, back in my face.
He finally admitted he was wrong.

Right here, right now, I feel torn. I feel like I am letting down the defenses I held on to for so long, that I am allowing myself to be drawn back in to Taylor's gravitational pull.
But I will no longer deny the piece of me that wants to know he's changed. Taylor is still the same person, with all the thoughts, feelings, and intentions that he always had. But I want to recognize that bit of him that will now recognize himself as he was.. and the bit of him that wants to no longer be that way.
I am still saying to myself "Be careful, Jenessa, be careful."
But I am also giving Taylor the benefit of the doubt. This is something my father always gave me, and, whether or not I deserved it, I was always grateful for it. I hope he can use it for the betterment of himself and our friendship.

It's like the past has come around to the future, and a pathway I long ago blocked can now be seen again through the trees.
It is worn, unkempt, and dilapidated, but I think there is hope yet.
I hope Taylor can show me that he can be the person I knew so many years ago. They say people don't change, and maybe they don't. Most certainly not him.
But I am praying to be proved wrong.
Because, as much as I hate to say it, I missed a very good friend, for a very long time, and I am so, so...tired. Tired of hating him for things that should no longer have to matter.
I have no one to blame but myself should things go wrong. I will put no one else in the path of potential devastation that I will walk, and I ask no one to be beside me who does not wish to be.
But I truly, truly hope that the past will stay where it belongs, and that the saying 'turning over a new leaf' can actually become a reality.

You're all allowed to say "I told you so."
Just to let you know.

-Nessa-

Sam is coming home.

So, bloggers, aside from this being my one-hundredth something blog..
Sam is coming home.
I don't know a whole bunch of details, but he's getting separated and will probably be home in another two or three weeks.
His knee wouldn't heal, and he was starting to have pain from stress in his shins also; his body just couldn't handle the physical strain, by the sound of it.
I'm sad about this. I had hoped that he'd found his niche and could finally get going on his life. He wasn't sure if he would be going back to the military after coming home and being given time to rest. I'm just hoping that he calls me back and gives me more details.
Such is life. I don't know what is going to happen when he gets home, though.
*sigh*
I really just don't know.

I thought I'd let everyone know, though. And I'll post again, possibly later today if he ever calls back, to let you know what's going on.
Love you all!
-Nessa-

Someone take my mind off 'repeat'

Really, I'm getting tired of this. I'm tired of hurting over things that don't matter, and do matter, and the things I wish could matter.
I am tired of not knowing what to do with Sam. I don't know if I want to marry him, or date him, or break up with him, I have NO IDEA what to do.
He said that he wanted to marry me when I went to see him in Texas, and I said I wasn't sure what I wanted and asked if I could date.
Now I'm all torn up about this other guy that I got my hopes up about, and I feel like everything is wrong inside me.
I thought I knew who and what I wanted in my life. I really did. Then Sam left for the military and nothing is the same. It's like my feelings change every other ten minutes. First I miss him, love him, want him, then I am considering the fact that breaking it off might be the more sensible thing to do, for both of us.
I feel like slamming my head into a wall.
And drama.. sucks balls. No matter how far you try to run from it, or ignore it, or deal with it, it always rears its ugly head right at the time that you want it the least.
I'm sorry, I'm just really tired, extremely sad, terribly emotional, and just messed up over everything right now. Thanks for letting me get some of it out
Love you guys, hope you are all doing well.
xo
-Nessa-

I have a question.

What is your honest opinion.
You are in love. You feel like you've found the one for you.
You also think you're too young.
But you don't want to go too much longer without knowing they are yours.
What do you do?

Seeing Sam in Texas

Hey, everyone.
As all of you know (hopefully), Sam has been in Basic Military Training for the past two months. Well, this was the month he was going to graduate. Notice I said was.
He is on medical hold because, during Basic, he was pushed enough that his knees started bothering him.
Apparently he has what's called Runner's Knee in both of his knees, and his graduation has been delayed for approximately another four to six weeks. Pretty vauge, I know. He'll spend about another two weeks in physical therapy, a few more getting rehabilitated and back up to the speed of military training, then be put back into his seventh week where he was pulled out to resume training.
His mother and I were still able to come down and see him, and he got base liberty, so we are able to go on base and see him. If he'd graduated he would have had a town pass for Friday and Saturday, and he could have come and seen the sights in San Antonio with his mother and I, but due to not graduating.. well, let's say his getting base liberty and seeing us at all was a stroke of luck.
He looks amazing everyone :) He's proud of the fact that he's lost three inches on his waist, so he lost that little tummy the apartment/college/post college has started giving him. He stands taller now too, the military beat the teenage slouch right out of him :).

I still give him crap for unconsciously assuming the position (feet spread, hands behind back, chin up, back straight). I get that it's been ingrained into him for about eight weeks.. it's just funny when he says that it's become comfortable for him to stand like that now.
He's more confident, he's grown up a lot, and while he is still the Sam we all know and love, he has definitely taken the step from wherever he'd been stuck at to a man.
It's been hard for him to see all his close friends, his flight, basically his second family, graduate and be in their blues, with their families. It's hard for him to see his friends with their Airman's Coin (a coin that represents your transition from trainee to airman, it's a REALLY big deal).
But he is pushing himself for success.He sees what he is so close to achieving, and rather than despair he looks ahead to all the great things and smiles toward the end of the road. He's made so many good friends who care about him, and he's learned so much while he's been in BMT.

It's so funny, he actually has a lot of fun being in the air force. I'd go so far as to say he loves it, most days. Maybe not the little bits and pieces, but the overall experience.
Can you tell I'm proud?

Now that I've talked about Sam, I'll talk about Texas.
Being here just with Sam's mom is.. well, very awkward most of the time. It's just.. we have nothing in common, she's a mom of six kids and I'm an eighteen year old girl dating her oldest son. We spend most of our time recycling the old and bedraggled joke about the fact that we can't find our way anywhere worth our lives.
Yeah. Lemme tell you. I did not realize how much I rely on the mountains back home in Utah to tell where I am. Here it's just flat, flat, and more flat. The endless expanses of blue, cloud spattered sky run from skyline to skyline, and you never know what direction you're going.
The freeway system looks like a giant spiderweb, spanning from the center, which is downtown San Antonio, outward. There are smaller freeways making the circles around, and crossing the outward span. I promise. Giant spiderweb. Exactly.

And, at home, you know how a freeway exit is labelled right where you get off? Not here. It says "Such and Such city in 1/2 mile". Then when you get there, it says "Next such and such city, insert exit numbers here". It's like a giant, loopy guessing game.
We have gotten lost every single day. In downtown San Antonio, it's a mass of one-way streets. I.. HATE.. one-way streets. I just thank God that I'm not the one driving, because I would have killed us by now.
Then again, with the way Sam's mom drives, maybe that would be better. Eh, I'm just a traffic-law-ignoring teenager, and she's a law abiding citizen. We all have our differences ;).
I got to go on the River Walk, which was beautiful. (I'm trying to get pictures to upload right now). I only had my cell phone, I left the damn camera at home on my bed. But the few pictures I have gotten have turned out pretty good.

Cheryl (I'm getting tired of typing Sam's mom, so there's her name) and I traversed the shops. I had to do my utmost not to run around buying absolutely everything. Seriously, this whole entire section of Texas has built it's lively hood around tourism. And they do a damn good job.

Everyone is so friendly too. In Utah, people do their utmost to ignore you if they pass you on the sidewalk, but I had personal conversations with almost every owner of every shop I went in to. I bought a necklace, met the woman who made it, her mother, and her mother's sister. I learned the back history on her jewelry-making.. it's just so strange.
I've been here for two days and already it's a culture shock compared to Utah. We really are a close-minded bunch of snobs ;).
Okay, the weather. Holy God, it is SO humid. I was too young to remember how humid Kauai was (I went when I was ten), but here it's to the point of unbearable. How weird is it.. that I love it?


I'm sure winter would suck, the wet air just covers you like a blanket. Wearing jeans is a misery, and I try to wear as little clothing shirt-wise as possible without being offensive.
The city is colors and culture. Lots of Spanish culture (I think), and a lot of the true-black people. The tattoos I've seen are amazing, I wish I could take a picture of every bit of art I've seen here. I took pictures in shops I wasn't supposed to, just because I wanted to remember.
I went to the Tower of America, a building in the heart of San Antonio. It rises 750 feet in the air, and I got pictures during the day, and at night, it was so amazing. The wind up there was nuts, it blew my hair straight up all around me :).



Wish you guys could be here, any of you. It would turn this into so much more of an adventure. I want to run everywhere at once, explore, this city is magic. I want to come back over and over. :).
Well, questions, comments, I'd love them all. I'm not going to be back home until Monday morning, so maybe I'll have some more stuff to post before this quick trip is through :). Love you all
Grande finale.
The Tooley.