(This was written before I returned to the apartment, got over myself and got drunk. Also, I of course still love Sam, and these feelings are gone. I was just upset.)
(Written around eleven thirty on 1/30/09)
This is going to be my angry blog.
And its' going to be about Sam Tooley.
Here I have this completely amazing guy, right? Yes, I know he is wonderful.
Now, imagine, maybe three weeks after I started dating him, I went down to Payson where his friend Deena had her twenty five year old boyfrind with her, and he got drunk, like really drunk.
LIke on the floor laughing and unable to walk and falling over drunk.
Like, he cannot remember more than half of it. Drunk.
After watching that and beign so scared because I Had no idea what was going on or what to do, after watching the boy I love turn into someone else for a few hours, I was so scared I can't even describe it. I never wanted to see him like that ever again no matter what.
Now, tonight.
Next door neighbors at his apartment are having a party. House warming party. All four of the residents are really pretty gorgeous girls.
Jorden goes next door, gets drunk, comes back, leaves agian.
Sam leaves to go check on Jorden.
Comes back drunk.
Yes, I saw this coming.
But I was still scared. I ran the fuck away as fast as I could. Took his car and bolted.
I was sobbing before I even got to the car.
He asked if I trusted him. I'm not sure I ever answered him. I dont' think I did. Jorden came and put his arms around us, and I said,
"Jorden, I would tell you to watch him, but your worse than he is."
Then I booked it down three flights of stairs and jogged to the car.
Like I said, sobbing before I even got inside.
I want my Sam...shit, I'm crying.
I want my Sam. I dont' want him drunk. I dont' want him changed. I don't want him uncaring. I don't want him unsafe. I don't want him to get hurt. I love him so much and I am sobbing all over again because I love him so much.
I can't be around him when he is like that, I just can't. It hurts too much.
I'm not going to his house on Sunday.
I fucking hyperventilated and cried harder than I have in...since I lost Mike. Five months. That's a very long time. I cried like that, because he drank. It's the most unjustified, irrational, stupid, pointless thing I have ever cried over in my life.
And yet so very not. Because it's Sam. It's because I love him. And that's the most worthwhile thing to me in the world.
And I will never tell him this, ever. I almost want to let Alyse take his car back tomorrow. I dont' want to see him. I don't want to work either, but I don't have a choice as far as that's concerned.
Really, what I want to do is be sick. I started shaking on my way home, which was really bad for so many reasons, never mind the fact that I was driving.
I was on the freeway going with the flow of traffic, which means I was cruising along at an easy eighty five for about twenty minutes. I took that way because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep to the speed limit on the way home.
I called Alyse so I would stop crying before I had left the apartment. I couldn't cry and drive, I'm not that great of a multi tasker.
I want to drive back to the apartment right now, more than anything, but I know that I can't. I don't want to see Sam like that, and I can't risk my parents calling and asking me questions. I can't sleep over there tonight and I am, at the end of it, glad that I can't.
I really, really don't want to be around Sam right now.
I also don't want to go home.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Vampiric Musings
Written on 1/29/09
I can't say I really know what this is about. It's about two thirty am on a very technical Friday morning, and I'm lying in bed listening to Korn, my mind full of strange thoughts.
Have you ever considered the existance of creatures that God may not have created?
I suppose that might not be quite the way I wanted to put it. But it does sum up rather well in either case.
You, the reader, may think that I have utterly lost my mind as I get to the subject of my blog, and as you slowly shake your head and say I've gone crazy, I cannot entirely assure you that you are incorrect in you assumption.
Now, recall your life, for just a moment. Have you ever been so consumed by a thought, a possibilty, that you felt that longing desperation in your heart to attain, what could possibly be labelled as, the impossible? Have you ever just sat, stared, obsessed over something you know you cannot have.
Well that is how I get when faced by the possibility of the existance of vampires.
Yes, vampires.
I'm waiting for the head shaking. Go on. I'll even give you permission.
Humor me for a moment, if you will, and view this idea from an unbaised, albiet crazy person's, view.
Some ideas on the vampire are...impossible? I think I will be using that world a lot tonight, seeing as it's context has quite a bit to do with the main subject.
For example, mind reading, some extrasensory abilities, along with insane physical changes that you go through, some including potential super speed.
When I say all this, I am going off of movies, books I have read, basic legends that have created the image of vampires that is exposed to the public today.
Now, I do believe in psychics. People, I think, really do have the ability to predict and view the future, and focus on specific events or persons, and see into those instances. I believe also, in the supernatural, as you can probably already tell.
So mind reading isn't entirely out of the picture. I suppose that if a vampire attained this power, it would be more of a sixth sense, the ability to predict, or possibly detect auras around other humans.
I do not hold, however, to the thought that you can run up walls, hang from the ceiling with no extra exertion, run miles on end...that sort of thing. The types of things that make vampires very fictionally different from human beings, and very obviously so.
So maybe a person who has the qualifications, such as a psychic, would be an eligible candidate as a vampiric being.
Sidenote: I love how vampires dress, rich and expensive, dark and unnoticed, luxurious. Years of saving money from not eating food can really pay off, yes?
Now, the actual, physical changes that go on inside a vampire would confuse me. I cannot figure for even a moment how you can take the human body, and freeze it in the state it is at when bitten, and leave it at that.
The need to wander only at night seems logical, although night vision evolution is difficult, if it is indeed true that you are forever stuck at the point your body has grown to forever, in it's entirety. You would not be able to change yourself to adapt to your new lifestyle.
When I say nighttime prowling is feasable, think about it. Avoiding sunlight would prevent skin and vision damage, possibly preserve your body longer, or help to do so.
You know, the longer I think about this, I think the only way you could become a vampire is to make a pact with the Devil. Really. Once you get past all the outer parts of being a vampire, which can probably be explained with only partial scientific exertion, you come down to the diet of said vampires, and you really just go off the beaten track of normalcy.
Come on, blood? Human blood?
Okay fine, if you want to do as the Cullens do, go fill yourself full of deer blood and be happy as a vegan vamp for the rest of your life, I won't stop you, but lets look at original legends.
What properties of blood can benefit a living dead body? Some sort of protiens ect. that are in the blood of warm-blooded animals? (We are counting out cold-blooded creatures like fish, that's just distasteful.)
This one characteristic of the vampire makes me think you have to have your own special, signed contract with the Devil. It would make a lot of sense to have a steep price to pay for extraordinary immortality. You are forced to kill the living things that you once were, and were a part of.
Your life at another's price. At this point I would attribute immortality to last only as long as you continue drinking the blood. I think that would be fitting. Although by the sound of every Hollywood movie and fanatical author's book, self-starvation hardly sounds like an option once you've entered the 'coven' that is the vampiric community.
If your wondering about the teeth, I vote a really impersonal dentist turned vampiric-believing. He can give you your murderous chompers.
Or you could indulge in a couple hundred years and buy yourself a really nice sword and dagger set. That would be nice.
I am going to pause to let you know that I just re-read everything I just wrote and the words to describe how I am talking were such as: Totally insane, crazy, creepy, outlandish, bizzare, twisted, obsessed.
Trust me, I promise, I know I'm not sane, the way I"m talking.
Anyway, what with people around me going on about their own belief in the existance of vampires, and some excessive movie watching, (reference Interview With a Vampire, and Underworld , all of the series) I've gone right back to wondering the hell out of myself if vampires really could potentially exist.
I can tell you right now that I would gladly be one, although I would also doubtlessly have issues with the whole fun killing time side of things that would pretty much become my life. And, even though I am such a bloody night owl, I would really hate to have to avoid the sunshine, it's warm and I am an essentially warm creature.
I know there are persons out in the world that have utterly mind-fucked themselves into thinking that they really are vampires. I saw this one woman, she dressed Gothic as hell, slept in a coffin, drove a fucking HEARSE, and had everything right down to her own personal blood doners that she took blood from every day.
I personally thought she had crossed over the bride of crazy-ass psycho peoples, to join others like Marilyn Mason and Rosie O'Donnel. Just kidding about that last one.
No, really though, it was scary. New, individual, interesting, but scary. I really don't think I would have the ability to cut someone else's wrist and drink their blood, or anything like that.
I think she was a little less barbaric and a lot more sanitary about it though...still. At the end of the day, she is drinking blood taken from an open vein of a human being, and drinking it. She's got friends that she has indoctrinated into this, because they find it so interesting, friends that want to join her as a 'modern day vampire'. I vote NO.
If vampires exist, they do exactly what everyone says they do: Avoid other people and keep very much so to themselves.
I know that's what I would do. Especially since the whole of society has turned into your own personal feasting grounds. I hardly think it's a good welcoming present to drain your neighbor dry directly after shaking their hand.
Oh, have to mention this. Someone I was hanging out with earlier was watching Interview With a Vampire with me, and said "Who though up the whole biting on the neck thing, that's so weird.."
Fine then, so it was like man-love creepy to watch Tom Cruise suck on Brad Pitt's neck. I get it. Even with my non-aversion to guy on guy (cannot believe I just said that) it IS odd to watch. Although it completely proves that Tom really is gay. Hehe, I love conspiracy theories.
But can we not see the logic. Neck = Huge arteries = Lots and lots of blood pumping through the general vicinity. It only makes sense to go through your throat. Your heart is trying to feed your brain with blood and oxygen, and your neck is one of the main, quick points at which to access it.
See? Makes perfect sense.
Holy shit, I'm a psycho.
Well, it is now three oh-nine (how do you type times like that..) and I have sufficiently weirded myself and the general blogging community out enough for one night. I'm not entirely sure that I am going to even post this, to tell you the truth.
I will have Alyse read it first, however. Possibly add her thoughts on the subject.
Afterthought: And no, as temptingly delicious as it would be, vampires do NOT SPARKLE like Edward Cullen. NO. No, no, no, no....nonononononononononono.
I think you get the point.
Much love and gratitude of your tolerance.
Goodnight and goodmorning.
I can't say I really know what this is about. It's about two thirty am on a very technical Friday morning, and I'm lying in bed listening to Korn, my mind full of strange thoughts.
Have you ever considered the existance of creatures that God may not have created?
I suppose that might not be quite the way I wanted to put it. But it does sum up rather well in either case.
You, the reader, may think that I have utterly lost my mind as I get to the subject of my blog, and as you slowly shake your head and say I've gone crazy, I cannot entirely assure you that you are incorrect in you assumption.
Now, recall your life, for just a moment. Have you ever been so consumed by a thought, a possibilty, that you felt that longing desperation in your heart to attain, what could possibly be labelled as, the impossible? Have you ever just sat, stared, obsessed over something you know you cannot have.
Well that is how I get when faced by the possibility of the existance of vampires.
Yes, vampires.
I'm waiting for the head shaking. Go on. I'll even give you permission.
Humor me for a moment, if you will, and view this idea from an unbaised, albiet crazy person's, view.
Some ideas on the vampire are...impossible? I think I will be using that world a lot tonight, seeing as it's context has quite a bit to do with the main subject.
For example, mind reading, some extrasensory abilities, along with insane physical changes that you go through, some including potential super speed.
When I say all this, I am going off of movies, books I have read, basic legends that have created the image of vampires that is exposed to the public today.
Now, I do believe in psychics. People, I think, really do have the ability to predict and view the future, and focus on specific events or persons, and see into those instances. I believe also, in the supernatural, as you can probably already tell.
So mind reading isn't entirely out of the picture. I suppose that if a vampire attained this power, it would be more of a sixth sense, the ability to predict, or possibly detect auras around other humans.
I do not hold, however, to the thought that you can run up walls, hang from the ceiling with no extra exertion, run miles on end...that sort of thing. The types of things that make vampires very fictionally different from human beings, and very obviously so.
So maybe a person who has the qualifications, such as a psychic, would be an eligible candidate as a vampiric being.
Sidenote: I love how vampires dress, rich and expensive, dark and unnoticed, luxurious. Years of saving money from not eating food can really pay off, yes?
Now, the actual, physical changes that go on inside a vampire would confuse me. I cannot figure for even a moment how you can take the human body, and freeze it in the state it is at when bitten, and leave it at that.
The need to wander only at night seems logical, although night vision evolution is difficult, if it is indeed true that you are forever stuck at the point your body has grown to forever, in it's entirety. You would not be able to change yourself to adapt to your new lifestyle.
When I say nighttime prowling is feasable, think about it. Avoiding sunlight would prevent skin and vision damage, possibly preserve your body longer, or help to do so.
You know, the longer I think about this, I think the only way you could become a vampire is to make a pact with the Devil. Really. Once you get past all the outer parts of being a vampire, which can probably be explained with only partial scientific exertion, you come down to the diet of said vampires, and you really just go off the beaten track of normalcy.
Come on, blood? Human blood?
Okay fine, if you want to do as the Cullens do, go fill yourself full of deer blood and be happy as a vegan vamp for the rest of your life, I won't stop you, but lets look at original legends.
What properties of blood can benefit a living dead body? Some sort of protiens ect. that are in the blood of warm-blooded animals? (We are counting out cold-blooded creatures like fish, that's just distasteful.)
This one characteristic of the vampire makes me think you have to have your own special, signed contract with the Devil. It would make a lot of sense to have a steep price to pay for extraordinary immortality. You are forced to kill the living things that you once were, and were a part of.
Your life at another's price. At this point I would attribute immortality to last only as long as you continue drinking the blood. I think that would be fitting. Although by the sound of every Hollywood movie and fanatical author's book, self-starvation hardly sounds like an option once you've entered the 'coven' that is the vampiric community.
If your wondering about the teeth, I vote a really impersonal dentist turned vampiric-believing. He can give you your murderous chompers.
Or you could indulge in a couple hundred years and buy yourself a really nice sword and dagger set. That would be nice.
I am going to pause to let you know that I just re-read everything I just wrote and the words to describe how I am talking were such as: Totally insane, crazy, creepy, outlandish, bizzare, twisted, obsessed.
Trust me, I promise, I know I'm not sane, the way I"m talking.
Anyway, what with people around me going on about their own belief in the existance of vampires, and some excessive movie watching, (reference Interview With a Vampire, and Underworld , all of the series) I've gone right back to wondering the hell out of myself if vampires really could potentially exist.
I can tell you right now that I would gladly be one, although I would also doubtlessly have issues with the whole fun killing time side of things that would pretty much become my life. And, even though I am such a bloody night owl, I would really hate to have to avoid the sunshine, it's warm and I am an essentially warm creature.
I know there are persons out in the world that have utterly mind-fucked themselves into thinking that they really are vampires. I saw this one woman, she dressed Gothic as hell, slept in a coffin, drove a fucking HEARSE, and had everything right down to her own personal blood doners that she took blood from every day.
I personally thought she had crossed over the bride of crazy-ass psycho peoples, to join others like Marilyn Mason and Rosie O'Donnel. Just kidding about that last one.
No, really though, it was scary. New, individual, interesting, but scary. I really don't think I would have the ability to cut someone else's wrist and drink their blood, or anything like that.
I think she was a little less barbaric and a lot more sanitary about it though...still. At the end of the day, she is drinking blood taken from an open vein of a human being, and drinking it. She's got friends that she has indoctrinated into this, because they find it so interesting, friends that want to join her as a 'modern day vampire'. I vote NO.
If vampires exist, they do exactly what everyone says they do: Avoid other people and keep very much so to themselves.
I know that's what I would do. Especially since the whole of society has turned into your own personal feasting grounds. I hardly think it's a good welcoming present to drain your neighbor dry directly after shaking their hand.
Oh, have to mention this. Someone I was hanging out with earlier was watching Interview With a Vampire with me, and said "Who though up the whole biting on the neck thing, that's so weird.."
Fine then, so it was like man-love creepy to watch Tom Cruise suck on Brad Pitt's neck. I get it. Even with my non-aversion to guy on guy (cannot believe I just said that) it IS odd to watch. Although it completely proves that Tom really is gay. Hehe, I love conspiracy theories.
But can we not see the logic. Neck = Huge arteries = Lots and lots of blood pumping through the general vicinity. It only makes sense to go through your throat. Your heart is trying to feed your brain with blood and oxygen, and your neck is one of the main, quick points at which to access it.
See? Makes perfect sense.
Holy shit, I'm a psycho.
Well, it is now three oh-nine (how do you type times like that..) and I have sufficiently weirded myself and the general blogging community out enough for one night. I'm not entirely sure that I am going to even post this, to tell you the truth.
I will have Alyse read it first, however. Possibly add her thoughts on the subject.
Afterthought: And no, as temptingly delicious as it would be, vampires do NOT SPARKLE like Edward Cullen. NO. No, no, no, no....nonononononononononono.
I think you get the point.
Much love and gratitude of your tolerance.
Goodnight and goodmorning.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The Things Bosses Come Up With
The pictures posted will be explained. I promise. There is a method to my madness.So I am quite obviously at work, online, and (thank god) blogging while not having to make use of my phone. I am telling you, after a half hour of pressing buttons about a fourth of the size of the nail on your middle finger, it gets a bit tedious and annoying.
Anyway, onward to the main subject of my blog for today.
My boss at 5 Buck Pizza, Schyler Judd, finally decided to get internet for his store about a month or so ago. Obviously he couldn't have his employees online all the time messing around where they didn't belong, or not paying attention and not doing their jobs, so he password protected access to the internet, as any normal person would.
The password turned out to be the universal password used for pretty much accessing anything here, and so it wasn't too long for Zach, who I am pretty sure I can label as a computer genius, to figure it out. And thus we see, through another man's smarts, I benefitted.
Now, this part is actually really funny in my opinion.
Schuyler figured out that Zach was getting online all the time. I guess it's not particularly hard to figure out, although search me on how he did it, because I know that Zach was wiping the entire internet history, cookies and all, every time he got on. I guess word just gets around.
Anyway, he changed the password to get online, naturally.
Now, sometime around the middle of last week, I was closing with Zach and we had gotten most of our priorities done, and Megan and Sam had come down to see me and steal me away early so we could go to Applebee's with Megan's new boy toy, Jerremy. Zach was just messing around on the computer as usual (I may just get bored enough to try and figure out how to post pictures on here so I can show you some of the crazy things he has come up with on the Paint program), and he suddenly called all our attention over to the computer.
Doing some ninja hacker thing that I completely failed to understand or even comprehend, he had somehow gotten to some page that displayed the new password for our computers.
Schuyler Judd had so sweetly created the new password as follows: fuckyouzack.
Maybe I'm the only one who finds this entirely hilarious, and just a little bit mean and underhanded, but hey, I guess he was assuming that we would never guess something like that, and it also allowed his feeling to be vented, considering he is constantly out-smarted by a kid that's about half his age, who has an IQ that declares him a technical genius.
God it has to suck being an adult sometimes =)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Head Full of Cobwebs
1/27/09
This is one of those nights where I have so much of Nothing In Particular on my mind that I find myself unable to sleep. I'm sort of reconsidering my earlier issues with my education. I do realize by now that a little diploma signed by Lone Peak officials etc. Is now quite out of my reach unless I want to go live down at East Shore from now until May 31st. With that said, I would so do it, but I don't have a car... rather depressing really. Also, I had a spat with my mum.
It was yesterday (and when I say that I mean Sunday, seeing as its still technically Monday in my head), and it's still knawing at me. When I say that, it's not because I really care so muuch about what she said, as what she made me think about.
The whole thing was about me not caring about other people's feelings at all, and being a total selfish brat. This ended with some remarks on how I must, under not uncertain circumstances, move out of the house bt the time I turn 18 to avoid 'totally ruining whatever chances I have of a continuing good relationship' with my mother. See, for one, at this point I can honestly say I don't bloody CARE about having a relationship with my mother. I know that sounds awfully mean, and your more than likely sitting there saying to yourself, 'Oh, she doesn't really mean that...' But, frighteningly enough, I think I am serious.
It's hard to love someone who has called you a slut, blamed you for her marriage falling apart, taken away your brother with no warning, ripping you away from your life and isolating you in a program, and pretty much turned you into the Go-To blame person when something in her life doesn't go as planned.
And I'm only exaggerating a little bit. Seriously. When they say 'The world revolves around Mom,; if she's not happy ain't NOBODY happy' they are quite far from kidding.
Everything I do always turns into a reflection on her, oh how does that make HER look, how could I tell such lies about HER, can't I see how much I'm ruining HER life. Can all the shit that goes on ever be about me, even once? Just kidding =).
Sorry, I'll quit ranting about her for a bit.
Anyway, she made me think about when I want to move out. My immediate plan is to move out with Megan and Mike, hopefully down in the apartments Alyse lives in, in Lehi. They're only $900 per month, at least right now, and that's not half bad for three just-moved-out teens who have only half a clue what they're doing.
I do realize that a lot can happen between now and, say, late July, and my perfect little plan above is probably not going to really happen so easily. My main worry, as is a lot of people's, is money. I can't pay for shit. Mainly I need a CAR, and seeing as I don't have a couple thousand dollars lying around doing nothing, I have to start saving for that. I figure I can try and take out a loan once I am 18, and I really hope that will work, or else I will just have to drive a little mexican two seater that rumbles like a tin can put down a high powered sink disposal. Can't wait for the steering wheel to snap off. =)
I also need another job. Or a new one. Seeing as I am (swallows self loathing before typing next sentence) a high school drop out....ugh.....I obviously shall never achieve anything more prestigious than a waitress at a fancy resturant. I guess second job is what I want.
Problem with this: I already can't rely on my parents for rides to work at 5 Buck, what in the hell am I going to do if I get two jobs and one day they don't feel like helping me out? Can you spell r-o-y-a-l-l-y f-u-c-k-e-d. Guess this all boils down to me having to kick myself in the ass and just do it already. If only I weren't so notoriously lazy, eh?
Hmm, what else was there...My hair. Just have to throw this in.
I swear to God, I change it more times in a month than a girl changes outfits before going on a date with her boyfriend to a nice dinner with his parents. (For those of you who are stupid, that's one whole hell of a lot.) And what I love is, after my heads most recent massacre, I remembered I was supposed to try and grow it out. Now it doesn't even hardly reach the lower part of my neck. I suck.
Now for my Sam segment. And this sort of pertains to what happened on Monday, after I hung out with Mike. Actually, let me just recap Monday night for you really fast.
Mike picks me up, we go to 5 Buck to visit Megan, arrive at his house around 5:30 at which point his mother announces that dinner is in a half hour and I decide to stay for that and family home evening, at her invitaion. Then, right at six, I hear Mike's mom mentioning his grandparents coming over.
Pause. Now, a lot of you will not understand why his grandparents terrify me. Let me tell you, I have a perfectly logical reason for having freaked the hell out and called Sam in the next three seconds following mike's mom's comment, begging him to save me. Thank God for motorized vehicles, and boyriends that understand you.
By the end of the night, I still had to face my fear and ultimate humiliation and face his grandparents for family home evening, because Sam took longer than expected. I have never felt so disliked and disapproved of in all my life, except when Brantley's mom lectured me about her son all those years ago, and during the lunch Mike's mom took me out to after we broke up. No, actually, I think sitting on the floor of that family room for 20 minutes tops it.
So when Sam finally came I ran the hell out Mike's house with Mike himself at my side to see me off, and proceeded to drive away from my own personal House of Hell on a Hill. Emotionally rattled...that was how I would describe myself. Jorden and Alyse were in the backseat and I knew I was acting weird, but I didn't really care. I just wanted Sam.
Right after I curled into his as best I could, considering he was driving, and putting my forehead against his neck, I just looked up at him and made myself calm down. When I first got on the car he asked if I was alright and I was lying when I said I was fine, but when he asked me again after iwe got off Suncrest, it wasn't a lie anymore.
That is how much he affects me. Sam, I mean. I can go from point blank miserable to almost at peace in a matter of minutes when he's around. Just closing my eyes and inhaling his smell is really all I need. Sometimes I think I love him too much. Other times I KNOW I do. But right about then, with my eyes closed, holding his warm hand in mine, I was in love with him just the right amount. Because only someone I really loved, and who loved me back just as much, could do for me what he can. Just make what ever is wrong simply go away, just by being there and saying ' I love you'.
Also, I've decided that I will be the crazy cat lady on my block when I'm old and all my kids (assuming I have any) have grown and moved away.
Now, in this blog I am going to apologize to a few people.
Firstly to Megan. I'm sorry for having disappeared since I started dating Sam, for taking so long paying you back, and not being all that I could as far as being your friend.
Alex. Sorry that I never call you back, and that we just don't talk anymore because I can't seem to take time out of my life and call you. Its rude, its wrong, and I am going to try and change. I don't like not having you in my life anymore. We used to be really tight, and I miss that. Brantley. I'm sorry I can't meet up to your standards to be your friend anymore. Sometimes I think your right when you said I have changed so much and that I'm really not happy anymore. I just hope that someday you can either look past my wrong-doings and we can be friends again, or that I will change for the better and the same thing will happen. Either way, I'm very sorry we aren't talking. Hope your doing alright.
Alright, that's all for tonight/this morning. My hands are starting to hurt, mostly due to the fact that I just wrote all of that using my little 4 inch long, 2 inch wide keyboard on my effing G1 cellphone.
Goodnight, hope your all sleeping well.
This is one of those nights where I have so much of Nothing In Particular on my mind that I find myself unable to sleep. I'm sort of reconsidering my earlier issues with my education. I do realize by now that a little diploma signed by Lone Peak officials etc. Is now quite out of my reach unless I want to go live down at East Shore from now until May 31st. With that said, I would so do it, but I don't have a car... rather depressing really. Also, I had a spat with my mum.
It was yesterday (and when I say that I mean Sunday, seeing as its still technically Monday in my head), and it's still knawing at me. When I say that, it's not because I really care so muuch about what she said, as what she made me think about.
The whole thing was about me not caring about other people's feelings at all, and being a total selfish brat. This ended with some remarks on how I must, under not uncertain circumstances, move out of the house bt the time I turn 18 to avoid 'totally ruining whatever chances I have of a continuing good relationship' with my mother. See, for one, at this point I can honestly say I don't bloody CARE about having a relationship with my mother. I know that sounds awfully mean, and your more than likely sitting there saying to yourself, 'Oh, she doesn't really mean that...' But, frighteningly enough, I think I am serious.
It's hard to love someone who has called you a slut, blamed you for her marriage falling apart, taken away your brother with no warning, ripping you away from your life and isolating you in a program, and pretty much turned you into the Go-To blame person when something in her life doesn't go as planned.
And I'm only exaggerating a little bit. Seriously. When they say 'The world revolves around Mom,; if she's not happy ain't NOBODY happy' they are quite far from kidding.
Everything I do always turns into a reflection on her, oh how does that make HER look, how could I tell such lies about HER, can't I see how much I'm ruining HER life. Can all the shit that goes on ever be about me, even once? Just kidding =).
Sorry, I'll quit ranting about her for a bit.
Anyway, she made me think about when I want to move out. My immediate plan is to move out with Megan and Mike, hopefully down in the apartments Alyse lives in, in Lehi. They're only $900 per month, at least right now, and that's not half bad for three just-moved-out teens who have only half a clue what they're doing.
I do realize that a lot can happen between now and, say, late July, and my perfect little plan above is probably not going to really happen so easily. My main worry, as is a lot of people's, is money. I can't pay for shit. Mainly I need a CAR, and seeing as I don't have a couple thousand dollars lying around doing nothing, I have to start saving for that. I figure I can try and take out a loan once I am 18, and I really hope that will work, or else I will just have to drive a little mexican two seater that rumbles like a tin can put down a high powered sink disposal. Can't wait for the steering wheel to snap off. =)
I also need another job. Or a new one. Seeing as I am (swallows self loathing before typing next sentence) a high school drop out....ugh.....I obviously shall never achieve anything more prestigious than a waitress at a fancy resturant. I guess second job is what I want.
Problem with this: I already can't rely on my parents for rides to work at 5 Buck, what in the hell am I going to do if I get two jobs and one day they don't feel like helping me out? Can you spell r-o-y-a-l-l-y f-u-c-k-e-d. Guess this all boils down to me having to kick myself in the ass and just do it already. If only I weren't so notoriously lazy, eh?
Hmm, what else was there...My hair. Just have to throw this in.
I swear to God, I change it more times in a month than a girl changes outfits before going on a date with her boyfriend to a nice dinner with his parents. (For those of you who are stupid, that's one whole hell of a lot.) And what I love is, after my heads most recent massacre, I remembered I was supposed to try and grow it out. Now it doesn't even hardly reach the lower part of my neck. I suck.
Now for my Sam segment. And this sort of pertains to what happened on Monday, after I hung out with Mike. Actually, let me just recap Monday night for you really fast.
Mike picks me up, we go to 5 Buck to visit Megan, arrive at his house around 5:30 at which point his mother announces that dinner is in a half hour and I decide to stay for that and family home evening, at her invitaion. Then, right at six, I hear Mike's mom mentioning his grandparents coming over.
Pause. Now, a lot of you will not understand why his grandparents terrify me. Let me tell you, I have a perfectly logical reason for having freaked the hell out and called Sam in the next three seconds following mike's mom's comment, begging him to save me. Thank God for motorized vehicles, and boyriends that understand you.
By the end of the night, I still had to face my fear and ultimate humiliation and face his grandparents for family home evening, because Sam took longer than expected. I have never felt so disliked and disapproved of in all my life, except when Brantley's mom lectured me about her son all those years ago, and during the lunch Mike's mom took me out to after we broke up. No, actually, I think sitting on the floor of that family room for 20 minutes tops it.
So when Sam finally came I ran the hell out Mike's house with Mike himself at my side to see me off, and proceeded to drive away from my own personal House of Hell on a Hill. Emotionally rattled...that was how I would describe myself. Jorden and Alyse were in the backseat and I knew I was acting weird, but I didn't really care. I just wanted Sam.
Right after I curled into his as best I could, considering he was driving, and putting my forehead against his neck, I just looked up at him and made myself calm down. When I first got on the car he asked if I was alright and I was lying when I said I was fine, but when he asked me again after iwe got off Suncrest, it wasn't a lie anymore.
That is how much he affects me. Sam, I mean. I can go from point blank miserable to almost at peace in a matter of minutes when he's around. Just closing my eyes and inhaling his smell is really all I need. Sometimes I think I love him too much. Other times I KNOW I do. But right about then, with my eyes closed, holding his warm hand in mine, I was in love with him just the right amount. Because only someone I really loved, and who loved me back just as much, could do for me what he can. Just make what ever is wrong simply go away, just by being there and saying ' I love you'.
Also, I've decided that I will be the crazy cat lady on my block when I'm old and all my kids (assuming I have any) have grown and moved away.
Now, in this blog I am going to apologize to a few people.
Firstly to Megan. I'm sorry for having disappeared since I started dating Sam, for taking so long paying you back, and not being all that I could as far as being your friend.
Alex. Sorry that I never call you back, and that we just don't talk anymore because I can't seem to take time out of my life and call you. Its rude, its wrong, and I am going to try and change. I don't like not having you in my life anymore. We used to be really tight, and I miss that. Brantley. I'm sorry I can't meet up to your standards to be your friend anymore. Sometimes I think your right when you said I have changed so much and that I'm really not happy anymore. I just hope that someday you can either look past my wrong-doings and we can be friends again, or that I will change for the better and the same thing will happen. Either way, I'm very sorry we aren't talking. Hope your doing alright.
Alright, that's all for tonight/this morning. My hands are starting to hurt, mostly due to the fact that I just wrote all of that using my little 4 inch long, 2 inch wide keyboard on my effing G1 cellphone.
Goodnight, hope your all sleeping well.
Let's up the tone of blogging, shall we?
1/23/09
So, I would like to counteract the extremely emo vibe my last blog gave off, although I am quite sure this one isn't going to make it to posting status. I just feel like blogging. I mean, what else am I supposed to do, watch my friends make out over by the counter? That sounds remotely unappealing, albeit rather hilarious.
I was going to otherwise indulge in unwise behaviors befitting one such as I, considering age and legal status, but then I remembered...I am going to see Underworld tonight. And all of you fuckers who are sitting at home not seeing it can go suck on a rock. Hey, that sounds fun. =)So, after coming to the understanding that passing out during the most kickass movie release of the new year so far (Twilight, even though it was released in '08, SUCKED ASS), would be utterly stupid, I decided to be good and blog instead. Maybe I'll tell you some random facts about my current life.
Fact One: My mother has not spoken to me since Sunday. Okay, so, she has, she texted me twice, once to tell me to get my friends car out of the driveway and the other in answer to my question of the name of a pianist I liked. But texting hardly counts. So the conclusion I have come to from this fact is that my mother is a bitch. I'm sure if she discoveres I actually posted that last sentence online for all to see she will be very upset and ridiculously disappointed. And throw a fit. But still. I can't find it in myself to go delete that.
Fact Two: I have an awesome boyfriend. And that's an understatement. Allow me a moment to gush ridiculously about him. He's sexy, and wonderful, and so beyond sweet, and caring, and I love him so much I think I am going delusional because of it. Megan knows this feeling. =)
Fact Three: Jorden is the best piano player I have heard, besides a pro, like EVER, in my entire life.
Fact Four: I'm out of facts. Okay, well that was me trying not to be emo, do tell me how I did, and give me ideas for other blogs to post, I rather enjoy writing my thoughts and having others respond to them, it allows me a feeling of accomplishment.Oh, and before I go, I would like to type up the horoscope I had on my phone today, it was rather profound, it has a surprisingly large amount to do with how I was feeling the last time I posted. Reading this made me feel a lot better. And I know that a lot of people don't put a lot of stock into hogwash such as horoscopes, but I find that, sometimes, they can be more than helpful.
So, I would like to counteract the extremely emo vibe my last blog gave off, although I am quite sure this one isn't going to make it to posting status. I just feel like blogging. I mean, what else am I supposed to do, watch my friends make out over by the counter? That sounds remotely unappealing, albeit rather hilarious.
I was going to otherwise indulge in unwise behaviors befitting one such as I, considering age and legal status, but then I remembered...I am going to see Underworld tonight. And all of you fuckers who are sitting at home not seeing it can go suck on a rock. Hey, that sounds fun. =)So, after coming to the understanding that passing out during the most kickass movie release of the new year so far (Twilight, even though it was released in '08, SUCKED ASS), would be utterly stupid, I decided to be good and blog instead. Maybe I'll tell you some random facts about my current life.
Fact One: My mother has not spoken to me since Sunday. Okay, so, she has, she texted me twice, once to tell me to get my friends car out of the driveway and the other in answer to my question of the name of a pianist I liked. But texting hardly counts. So the conclusion I have come to from this fact is that my mother is a bitch. I'm sure if she discoveres I actually posted that last sentence online for all to see she will be very upset and ridiculously disappointed. And throw a fit. But still. I can't find it in myself to go delete that.
Fact Two: I have an awesome boyfriend. And that's an understatement. Allow me a moment to gush ridiculously about him. He's sexy, and wonderful, and so beyond sweet, and caring, and I love him so much I think I am going delusional because of it. Megan knows this feeling. =)
Fact Three: Jorden is the best piano player I have heard, besides a pro, like EVER, in my entire life.
Fact Four: I'm out of facts. Okay, well that was me trying not to be emo, do tell me how I did, and give me ideas for other blogs to post, I rather enjoy writing my thoughts and having others respond to them, it allows me a feeling of accomplishment.Oh, and before I go, I would like to type up the horoscope I had on my phone today, it was rather profound, it has a surprisingly large amount to do with how I was feeling the last time I posted. Reading this made me feel a lot better. And I know that a lot of people don't put a lot of stock into hogwash such as horoscopes, but I find that, sometimes, they can be more than helpful.
Horoscope:
Have you been spending too much time exploring new things and not spending enough time with the tried and true? There is nothing wrong with where you are now, who you are now, and what you are doing now--so enjoy the moment. Sometimes, focusing too much on your next steps in life only keeps you from appreciating where you are right now. Being content is not a sign of having no ambitions in life--it's just a sign that you are wise and happy.
I love being a Scorpio.
Have you been spending too much time exploring new things and not spending enough time with the tried and true? There is nothing wrong with where you are now, who you are now, and what you are doing now--so enjoy the moment. Sometimes, focusing too much on your next steps in life only keeps you from appreciating where you are right now. Being content is not a sign of having no ambitions in life--it's just a sign that you are wise and happy.
I love being a Scorpio.
You've been reading between the lines of my Nothings
(I am going to post three blogs I had posted on myspace before starting my blog on here.)
1/7/09
Alright. So here's my problem. I only blog when I'm sad. But when I'm sad I really would rather not tell the world my problems (although myspace HARDLY counts as the world). Usually when I do most people tend to think I'm complaining. And I really don't want to come off that way, I just find myself unable to talk to anyone about what's going on. They all seem so happy, I don't want to bring them down, and it's so much easier to say I'm fine to their questioning eyes.
So here I go, letting off some steam. Just stuff that's been floating around in my head.
I'm unhappy. And I very well shouldn't be. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a good job, a home, food...honestly, compared to those 'poor little kids in *insert desolate country here* I should be downright fucking grateful for everything that I have.But nonetheless here I am.
Here's how I see it. I am a failure. And I have tried very hard to psyche myself out of this viewpoint, knowing it will do nothing less than make me upset. Quite obviously that did not go as planned.
Screw up number one: Academics.Since seventh grade I have not been...hmmm...academically inclined? Ok, I fucking failed my way through Junior High, always with the excuse of "I'll try, I swear." Kept up that bullshit all the way through sophmore year. Then, as many, if not all of you, know, I was sent to my program up in Taylorsville. Wasatch. That was three rather educational months, I must say. I could have gotten a lot of credit up there, the packets they had provided for kids gave you a lot more credits than the ones I ended up doing at East Shore near the end of my junior year. But no...I fucked around up there too, got myself into a bunch of trouble, and although the end result was a learning experience I won't soon forget, it wasn't entirely beneficial in any real way.
So, I go back to Lone Peak during the second semester of the Junior year. I thought I could turn in around, make it better. Like I had been telling myself the last four years. I got a boyfriend, Mike Hansen, about a week back into school. (I have to do a bit of sidetracking to get on with my main point, bear with me.)
His parents...didn't like me. I won't spend a massive amount of time going over why and who and how and when and shit. This led to that, and I was banned from hanging out with him. I only saw him at school, and started skipping class almost every single day to hang out with him instead. Two and half months in, my councilor called me to her office and explained to me that the academic track that I was going down was not one that Lone Peak was going to continue tolerating. Again time passes and I walk out of school for the last time and go to East Shore High School to hopefully make up the seventeen credits that I was missing in time to graduate. That is about three years worth of high school I did not get credit for.The unmotivated child that I am, I didnt' do shit there. I got my english credits done because I love english and have to problems there. Then I just stopped. I didn't go back to school, and summer was coming around so quickly no one really did anything about it.
Over summer, I broke up with Mike. No violent details, but that was the worst break up that I have ever been through. I was more emotionally fucked than ever. I met Sam and began dating early August, right before school started again.
Then school started. I didn't go back. I had no motivation. This went on. My parents made me pay them for not doing packets, turned off my phone when I didn't go, they tried everything to get me back into school. But I didn't. I did nothing. It's stayed that way up until now, where I look at my life and say, holy fuck I really suck. Here I am, having to get my GED (happily nicknamed a Good Enough Diploma) and feeling like such a drop out I could happily die. I have let down myself, my family, and my friends. I have potentially damaged my future. No, scratch that, I HAVE ruined it.
Now, reason for sadness number two: My emotional shit.And this I will have to be depressingly vaugue on, simply because I am about to indulge in some irresponsible behaviors and am rather excited. I'm watching everyone fall in love right now and missing that feeling really badly in my own relationship. Not to say that it isn't there...but it's just different now, and I sort of wish it wasn't.
I don't know where I'm going in life. I am epitome drop out, working at a pizza place for God's sake. It's like, movie classic. I've hit a dead end with my mind. I'm not creative anymore, and I miss art and writing like none other. It was a good way to express myself, and now I have no outlet it seems. When I was in school, it was different, I could focus my thoughts into words and pictures, and I was happier, sort of.
I can't cut anymore. Not to say I want to, but at one point in my life, not too long ago, that was an outlet. A bad one, but an outlet nonetheless. I'm not myself. I'm someone else, who's living in my body trying to convince myself I'm happy. And finally that other person and me are starting to fight. Starting to get angry. I'm wanting to go somewhere again, and that other person wants me to sit on my ass and keep fucking up like I have been.
Picture this. Your in a room. Your surrounded by all the people you know really care about you. Your crying, and they reach out to you. They can feel you, hold you, hug you, smile and wipe away your tears. It means so much to you. But you can't feel them. When they hold you, you feel no pressure. When they stroke your skin there is no sensation. When they wipe away your tears, you can still feel the tracks, cold against your face.
That's me. I am surrounded, loved, cared for. I can see it, I can tell I am someone others care for. And even though that helps, it almost doesn't.
Okay, I have spouted enough random shit at all of you.
Thanks for reading.
Have to do this.
Jorden.
Thank you.
1/7/09
Alright. So here's my problem. I only blog when I'm sad. But when I'm sad I really would rather not tell the world my problems (although myspace HARDLY counts as the world). Usually when I do most people tend to think I'm complaining. And I really don't want to come off that way, I just find myself unable to talk to anyone about what's going on. They all seem so happy, I don't want to bring them down, and it's so much easier to say I'm fine to their questioning eyes.
So here I go, letting off some steam. Just stuff that's been floating around in my head.
I'm unhappy. And I very well shouldn't be. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a good job, a home, food...honestly, compared to those 'poor little kids in *insert desolate country here* I should be downright fucking grateful for everything that I have.But nonetheless here I am.
Here's how I see it. I am a failure. And I have tried very hard to psyche myself out of this viewpoint, knowing it will do nothing less than make me upset. Quite obviously that did not go as planned.
Screw up number one: Academics.Since seventh grade I have not been...hmmm...academically inclined? Ok, I fucking failed my way through Junior High, always with the excuse of "I'll try, I swear." Kept up that bullshit all the way through sophmore year. Then, as many, if not all of you, know, I was sent to my program up in Taylorsville. Wasatch. That was three rather educational months, I must say. I could have gotten a lot of credit up there, the packets they had provided for kids gave you a lot more credits than the ones I ended up doing at East Shore near the end of my junior year. But no...I fucked around up there too, got myself into a bunch of trouble, and although the end result was a learning experience I won't soon forget, it wasn't entirely beneficial in any real way.
So, I go back to Lone Peak during the second semester of the Junior year. I thought I could turn in around, make it better. Like I had been telling myself the last four years. I got a boyfriend, Mike Hansen, about a week back into school. (I have to do a bit of sidetracking to get on with my main point, bear with me.)
His parents...didn't like me. I won't spend a massive amount of time going over why and who and how and when and shit. This led to that, and I was banned from hanging out with him. I only saw him at school, and started skipping class almost every single day to hang out with him instead. Two and half months in, my councilor called me to her office and explained to me that the academic track that I was going down was not one that Lone Peak was going to continue tolerating. Again time passes and I walk out of school for the last time and go to East Shore High School to hopefully make up the seventeen credits that I was missing in time to graduate. That is about three years worth of high school I did not get credit for.The unmotivated child that I am, I didnt' do shit there. I got my english credits done because I love english and have to problems there. Then I just stopped. I didn't go back to school, and summer was coming around so quickly no one really did anything about it.
Over summer, I broke up with Mike. No violent details, but that was the worst break up that I have ever been through. I was more emotionally fucked than ever. I met Sam and began dating early August, right before school started again.
Then school started. I didn't go back. I had no motivation. This went on. My parents made me pay them for not doing packets, turned off my phone when I didn't go, they tried everything to get me back into school. But I didn't. I did nothing. It's stayed that way up until now, where I look at my life and say, holy fuck I really suck. Here I am, having to get my GED (happily nicknamed a Good Enough Diploma) and feeling like such a drop out I could happily die. I have let down myself, my family, and my friends. I have potentially damaged my future. No, scratch that, I HAVE ruined it.
Now, reason for sadness number two: My emotional shit.And this I will have to be depressingly vaugue on, simply because I am about to indulge in some irresponsible behaviors and am rather excited. I'm watching everyone fall in love right now and missing that feeling really badly in my own relationship. Not to say that it isn't there...but it's just different now, and I sort of wish it wasn't.
I don't know where I'm going in life. I am epitome drop out, working at a pizza place for God's sake. It's like, movie classic. I've hit a dead end with my mind. I'm not creative anymore, and I miss art and writing like none other. It was a good way to express myself, and now I have no outlet it seems. When I was in school, it was different, I could focus my thoughts into words and pictures, and I was happier, sort of.
I can't cut anymore. Not to say I want to, but at one point in my life, not too long ago, that was an outlet. A bad one, but an outlet nonetheless. I'm not myself. I'm someone else, who's living in my body trying to convince myself I'm happy. And finally that other person and me are starting to fight. Starting to get angry. I'm wanting to go somewhere again, and that other person wants me to sit on my ass and keep fucking up like I have been.
Picture this. Your in a room. Your surrounded by all the people you know really care about you. Your crying, and they reach out to you. They can feel you, hold you, hug you, smile and wipe away your tears. It means so much to you. But you can't feel them. When they hold you, you feel no pressure. When they stroke your skin there is no sensation. When they wipe away your tears, you can still feel the tracks, cold against your face.
That's me. I am surrounded, loved, cared for. I can see it, I can tell I am someone others care for. And even though that helps, it almost doesn't.
Okay, I have spouted enough random shit at all of you.
Thanks for reading.
Have to do this.
Jorden.
Thank you.
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