You've been reading between the lines of my Nothings

(I am going to post three blogs I had posted on myspace before starting my blog on here.)

1/7/09

Alright. So here's my problem. I only blog when I'm sad. But when I'm sad I really would rather not tell the world my problems (although myspace HARDLY counts as the world). Usually when I do most people tend to think I'm complaining. And I really don't want to come off that way, I just find myself unable to talk to anyone about what's going on. They all seem so happy, I don't want to bring them down, and it's so much easier to say I'm fine to their questioning eyes.
So here I go, letting off some steam. Just stuff that's been floating around in my head.
I'm unhappy. And I very well shouldn't be. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a good job, a home, food...honestly, compared to those 'poor little kids in *insert desolate country here* I should be downright fucking grateful for everything that I have.But nonetheless here I am.
Here's how I see it. I am a failure. And I have tried very hard to psyche myself out of this viewpoint, knowing it will do nothing less than make me upset. Quite obviously that did not go as planned.
Screw up number one: Academics.Since seventh grade I have not been...hmmm...academically inclined? Ok, I fucking failed my way through Junior High, always with the excuse of "I'll try, I swear." Kept up that bullshit all the way through sophmore year. Then, as many, if not all of you, know, I was sent to my program up in Taylorsville. Wasatch. That was three rather educational months, I must say. I could have gotten a lot of credit up there, the packets they had provided for kids gave you a lot more credits than the ones I ended up doing at East Shore near the end of my junior year. But no...I fucked around up there too, got myself into a bunch of trouble, and although the end result was a learning experience I won't soon forget, it wasn't entirely beneficial in any real way.
So, I go back to Lone Peak during the second semester of the Junior year. I thought I could turn in around, make it better. Like I had been telling myself the last four years. I got a boyfriend, Mike Hansen, about a week back into school. (I have to do a bit of sidetracking to get on with my main point, bear with me.)
His parents...didn't like me. I won't spend a massive amount of time going over why and who and how and when and shit. This led to that, and I was banned from hanging out with him. I only saw him at school, and started skipping class almost every single day to hang out with him instead. Two and half months in, my councilor called me to her office and explained to me that the academic track that I was going down was not one that Lone Peak was going to continue tolerating. Again time passes and I walk out of school for the last time and go to East Shore High School to hopefully make up the seventeen credits that I was missing in time to graduate. That is about three years worth of high school I did not get credit for.The unmotivated child that I am, I didnt' do shit there. I got my english credits done because I love english and have to problems there. Then I just stopped. I didn't go back to school, and summer was coming around so quickly no one really did anything about it.
Over summer, I broke up with Mike. No violent details, but that was the worst break up that I have ever been through. I was more emotionally fucked than ever. I met Sam and began dating early August, right before school started again.
Then school started. I didn't go back. I had no motivation. This went on. My parents made me pay them for not doing packets, turned off my phone when I didn't go, they tried everything to get me back into school. But I didn't. I did nothing. It's stayed that way up until now, where I look at my life and say, holy fuck I really suck. Here I am, having to get my GED (happily nicknamed a Good Enough Diploma) and feeling like such a drop out I could happily die. I have let down myself, my family, and my friends. I have potentially damaged my future. No, scratch that, I HAVE ruined it.
Now, reason for sadness number two: My emotional shit.And this I will have to be depressingly vaugue on, simply because I am about to indulge in some irresponsible behaviors and am rather excited. I'm watching everyone fall in love right now and missing that feeling really badly in my own relationship. Not to say that it isn't there...but it's just different now, and I sort of wish it wasn't.
I don't know where I'm going in life. I am epitome drop out, working at a pizza place for God's sake. It's like, movie classic. I've hit a dead end with my mind. I'm not creative anymore, and I miss art and writing like none other. It was a good way to express myself, and now I have no outlet it seems. When I was in school, it was different, I could focus my thoughts into words and pictures, and I was happier, sort of.
I can't cut anymore. Not to say I want to, but at one point in my life, not too long ago, that was an outlet. A bad one, but an outlet nonetheless. I'm not myself. I'm someone else, who's living in my body trying to convince myself I'm happy. And finally that other person and me are starting to fight. Starting to get angry. I'm wanting to go somewhere again, and that other person wants me to sit on my ass and keep fucking up like I have been.
Picture this. Your in a room. Your surrounded by all the people you know really care about you. Your crying, and they reach out to you. They can feel you, hold you, hug you, smile and wipe away your tears. It means so much to you. But you can't feel them. When they hold you, you feel no pressure. When they stroke your skin there is no sensation. When they wipe away your tears, you can still feel the tracks, cold against your face.
That's me. I am surrounded, loved, cared for. I can see it, I can tell I am someone others care for. And even though that helps, it almost doesn't.
Okay, I have spouted enough random shit at all of you.
Thanks for reading.
Have to do this.
Jorden.
Thank you.