Head Full of Cobwebs

1/27/09

This is one of those nights where I have so much of Nothing In Particular on my mind that I find myself unable to sleep. I'm sort of reconsidering my earlier issues with my education. I do realize by now that a little diploma signed by Lone Peak officials etc. Is now quite out of my reach unless I want to go live down at East Shore from now until May 31st. With that said, I would so do it, but I don't have a car... rather depressing really. Also, I had a spat with my mum.
It was yesterday (and when I say that I mean Sunday, seeing as its still technically Monday in my head), and it's still knawing at me. When I say that, it's not because I really care so muuch about what she said, as what she made me think about.
The whole thing was about me not caring about other people's feelings at all, and being a total selfish brat. This ended with some remarks on how I must, under not uncertain circumstances, move out of the house bt the time I turn 18 to avoid 'totally ruining whatever chances I have of a continuing good relationship' with my mother. See, for one, at this point I can honestly say I don't bloody CARE about having a relationship with my mother. I know that sounds awfully mean, and your more than likely sitting there saying to yourself, 'Oh, she doesn't really mean that...' But, frighteningly enough, I think I am serious.
It's hard to love someone who has called you a slut, blamed you for her marriage falling apart, taken away your brother with no warning, ripping you away from your life and isolating you in a program, and pretty much turned you into the Go-To blame person when something in her life doesn't go as planned.
And I'm only exaggerating a little bit. Seriously. When they say 'The world revolves around Mom,; if she's not happy ain't NOBODY happy' they are quite far from kidding.
Everything I do always turns into a reflection on her, oh how does that make HER look, how could I tell such lies about HER, can't I see how much I'm ruining HER life. Can all the shit that goes on ever be about me, even once? Just kidding =).
Sorry, I'll quit ranting about her for a bit.
Anyway, she made me think about when I want to move out. My immediate plan is to move out with Megan and Mike, hopefully down in the apartments Alyse lives in, in Lehi. They're only $900 per month, at least right now, and that's not half bad for three just-moved-out teens who have only half a clue what they're doing.
I do realize that a lot can happen between now and, say, late July, and my perfect little plan above is probably not going to really happen so easily. My main worry, as is a lot of people's, is money. I can't pay for shit. Mainly I need a CAR, and seeing as I don't have a couple thousand dollars lying around doing nothing, I have to start saving for that. I figure I can try and take out a loan once I am 18, and I really hope that will work, or else I will just have to drive a little mexican two seater that rumbles like a tin can put down a high powered sink disposal. Can't wait for the steering wheel to snap off. =)
I also need another job. Or a new one. Seeing as I am (swallows self loathing before typing next sentence) a high school drop out....ugh.....I obviously shall never achieve anything more prestigious than a waitress at a fancy resturant. I guess second job is what I want.
Problem with this: I already can't rely on my parents for rides to work at 5 Buck, what in the hell am I going to do if I get two jobs and one day they don't feel like helping me out? Can you spell r-o-y-a-l-l-y f-u-c-k-e-d. Guess this all boils down to me having to kick myself in the ass and just do it already. If only I weren't so notoriously lazy, eh?
Hmm, what else was there...My hair. Just have to throw this in.
I swear to God, I change it more times in a month than a girl changes outfits before going on a date with her boyfriend to a nice dinner with his parents. (For those of you who are stupid, that's one whole hell of a lot.) And what I love is, after my heads most recent massacre, I remembered I was supposed to try and grow it out. Now it doesn't even hardly reach the lower part of my neck. I suck.
Now for my Sam segment. And this sort of pertains to what happened on Monday, after I hung out with Mike. Actually, let me just recap Monday night for you really fast.
Mike picks me up, we go to 5 Buck to visit Megan, arrive at his house around 5:30 at which point his mother announces that dinner is in a half hour and I decide to stay for that and family home evening, at her invitaion. Then, right at six, I hear Mike's mom mentioning his grandparents coming over.
Pause. Now, a lot of you will not understand why his grandparents terrify me. Let me tell you, I have a perfectly logical reason for having freaked the hell out and called Sam in the next three seconds following mike's mom's comment, begging him to save me. Thank God for motorized vehicles, and boyriends that understand you.
By the end of the night, I still had to face my fear and ultimate humiliation and face his grandparents for family home evening, because Sam took longer than expected. I have never felt so disliked and disapproved of in all my life, except when Brantley's mom lectured me about her son all those years ago, and during the lunch Mike's mom took me out to after we broke up. No, actually, I think sitting on the floor of that family room for 20 minutes tops it.
So when Sam finally came I ran the hell out Mike's house with Mike himself at my side to see me off, and proceeded to drive away from my own personal House of Hell on a Hill. Emotionally rattled...that was how I would describe myself. Jorden and Alyse were in the backseat and I knew I was acting weird, but I didn't really care. I just wanted Sam.
Right after I curled into his as best I could, considering he was driving, and putting my forehead against his neck, I just looked up at him and made myself calm down. When I first got on the car he asked if I was alright and I was lying when I said I was fine, but when he asked me again after iwe got off Suncrest, it wasn't a lie anymore.
That is how much he affects me. Sam, I mean. I can go from point blank miserable to almost at peace in a matter of minutes when he's around. Just closing my eyes and inhaling his smell is really all I need. Sometimes I think I love him too much. Other times I KNOW I do. But right about then, with my eyes closed, holding his warm hand in mine, I was in love with him just the right amount. Because only someone I really loved, and who loved me back just as much, could do for me what he can. Just make what ever is wrong simply go away, just by being there and saying ' I love you'.

Also, I've decided that I will be the crazy cat lady on my block when I'm old and all my kids (assuming I have any) have grown and moved away.

Now, in this blog I am going to apologize to a few people.
Firstly to Megan. I'm sorry for having disappeared since I started dating Sam, for taking so long paying you back, and not being all that I could as far as being your friend.
Alex. Sorry that I never call you back, and that we just don't talk anymore because I can't seem to take time out of my life and call you. Its rude, its wrong, and I am going to try and change. I don't like not having you in my life anymore. We used to be really tight, and I miss that. Brantley. I'm sorry I can't meet up to your standards to be your friend anymore. Sometimes I think your right when you said I have changed so much and that I'm really not happy anymore. I just hope that someday you can either look past my wrong-doings and we can be friends again, or that I will change for the better and the same thing will happen. Either way, I'm very sorry we aren't talking. Hope your doing alright.
Alright, that's all for tonight/this morning. My hands are starting to hurt, mostly due to the fact that I just wrote all of that using my little 4 inch long, 2 inch wide keyboard on my effing G1 cellphone.
Goodnight, hope your all sleeping well.