Drunken Tears

(This was written before I returned to the apartment, got over myself and got drunk. Also, I of course still love Sam, and these feelings are gone. I was just upset.)

(Written around eleven thirty on 1/30/09)

This is going to be my angry blog.
And its' going to be about Sam Tooley.
Here I have this completely amazing guy, right? Yes, I know he is wonderful.
Now, imagine, maybe three weeks after I started dating him, I went down to Payson where his friend Deena had her twenty five year old boyfrind with her, and he got drunk, like really drunk.
LIke on the floor laughing and unable to walk and falling over drunk.
Like, he cannot remember more than half of it. Drunk.
After watching that and beign so scared because I Had no idea what was going on or what to do, after watching the boy I love turn into someone else for a few hours, I was so scared I can't even describe it. I never wanted to see him like that ever again no matter what.
Now, tonight.
Next door neighbors at his apartment are having a party. House warming party. All four of the residents are really pretty gorgeous girls.
Jorden goes next door, gets drunk, comes back, leaves agian.
Sam leaves to go check on Jorden.
Comes back drunk.
Yes, I saw this coming.
But I was still scared. I ran the fuck away as fast as I could. Took his car and bolted.
I was sobbing before I even got to the car.
He asked if I trusted him. I'm not sure I ever answered him. I dont' think I did. Jorden came and put his arms around us, and I said,
"Jorden, I would tell you to watch him, but your worse than he is."
Then I booked it down three flights of stairs and jogged to the car.
Like I said, sobbing before I even got inside.
I want my Sam...shit, I'm crying.
I want my Sam. I dont' want him drunk. I dont' want him changed. I don't want him uncaring. I don't want him unsafe. I don't want him to get hurt. I love him so much and I am sobbing all over again because I love him so much.
I can't be around him when he is like that, I just can't. It hurts too much.
I'm not going to his house on Sunday.
I fucking hyperventilated and cried harder than I have in...since I lost Mike. Five months. That's a very long time. I cried like that, because he drank. It's the most unjustified, irrational, stupid, pointless thing I have ever cried over in my life.
And yet so very not. Because it's Sam. It's because I love him. And that's the most worthwhile thing to me in the world.
And I will never tell him this, ever. I almost want to let Alyse take his car back tomorrow. I dont' want to see him. I don't want to work either, but I don't have a choice as far as that's concerned.
Really, what I want to do is be sick. I started shaking on my way home, which was really bad for so many reasons, never mind the fact that I was driving.
I was on the freeway going with the flow of traffic, which means I was cruising along at an easy eighty five for about twenty minutes. I took that way because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep to the speed limit on the way home.
I called Alyse so I would stop crying before I had left the apartment. I couldn't cry and drive, I'm not that great of a multi tasker.
I want to drive back to the apartment right now, more than anything, but I know that I can't. I don't want to see Sam like that, and I can't risk my parents calling and asking me questions. I can't sleep over there tonight and I am, at the end of it, glad that I can't.
I really, really don't want to be around Sam right now.
I also don't want to go home.