Aim for the Heart, Stab my Lung

In leiu of recent events, I find a blog is in order, along with some good news.
Thanks to Samuel Tooley, who is good for so much more than just his technological genius (which was put in effect), my computer has again decided that it will give me internet access. You have no idea how wonderful it feels to know that I can type this, post it, and maybe go play around on Myspace for the next six hours and watch chipmunks tap dance on Youtube. The endless power at my fingertips, totally wasted on infantile pastimes.
God I love being a teenager.

Okay, now for some slightly heavier stuff. Sam came over to talk to my parents tonight. It will suffice to say that five minutes on a couch with your boyfriend, looking across at your parents, and all of you knowing that this meeting is because you've had sex with said boyfriend....I cannot possibly stress how utterly awkward that was. I did okay I think....tracing patterns on Sam's arm and wishing I was anywhere but where I was right then.
So here's the verdict.
One: I have to go see my Stake President. Mum and Dad say that I don't have to 'confess' anything...so what I guess is going to happen is I am going to go see him, and he will pick my brain with ninja powers to see why exactly it is that I am in his office.
In other words, I pretty much have to explain what happened, why I am there, etc, which equals up to an unrepentant version of the confession my parents are so dying for me to give. I guess they're hoping for a ray of light to pierce my heart, then I'll randomly see my wrongs for what they are and change my errant ways.
Two: I have to read a book called "The Miracle of Forgiveness". Happy days. Thank heaven I am a fast reader. I'll be able to get through it reasonably fast, and hope I don't just die of boredom and annoyance. Maybe I'll fold origami cranes out of every page I get through. That sounds quite entertaining.
Three: Sam and I can only see eachother under the supervision of my parents. Now, there is a fine print that I added to this one.
Sam and I can only see eachother (within the bounds of my parents infinite knowledge) when my parents are around.
In other words I am going to the mall with Sam on Thursday. Totally, utterly unsupervised. Oh god. We are going to go strip eachother in the changing room of Hot Topic.....hey...that sounds kinda fun..NO totally kidding.

I mean, could be worse, right? *reference the pleading tone in my voice that is begging for you to agree with me*

See, I'm okay with all this. Because two out of three things pertain to me and only me, and Sam has nothing to do with it, which means less stress for him.

But I'm still really scared. When he came over, he was almost utterly shut down. You know, it was still him, being him, but it wasn't. I dunno. It was scary though...

He was the same way after we all talked. I took him downstairs to show him the basement, and he was still being...ah, standoffish, that's the word. Like, very much so. It scared me.
He just kept telling me to give him time, let him deal with it.
That normally right now, the Sam inside him would be telling him to run, run very far away from all this. For some reason that made me extremely sad when he said that, because I knew that was exactly what he wanted to do, and to hear him put it in words just made me feel even more awful for him having to go through this.
But he said he wanted to be with me. That he loves me. Then he ran his finger down my nose and held my chin and asked if I trusted him.
I trust him with all my heart. And I told him so.
Hearing him say that normally he would just run from a situation like this, then saying that he loves me and he's staying, because he loves me, makes me...I dunno. Feel like Alyse is right. Right when she quotes 'He's just not that into you'.
"Your not the Rule. Your the Exception."

I want to be Sam's exception. And I'm so happy he is doing this. He will never understand what it means to me. Ever.

Oh, another minor stipulation.
If my parents find out I have had sex with Sam again (this is a theoretical situation) I am getting sent to live with my grandparents in North Carolina until I am 18 years old. End of story. Scary.....

Funny story though, to lighten this slightly morose tone.

When Sam and I were saying goodbye, Brantley drove by us. =) Yeah, you have got to be smiling right now too.
Nothing happened (unfortunately) but Sam did walk after the car yelling something to the extent of "Fuck you, you piece of shit, fuck you, go to hell." etc. Very eloquent, you know.
I finally let myself tell Sam that the decision to go beat the hell out of Brantley truly is his own decision to make..which I found rather difficult, but see as a better thing in the long run. Sam knows it's not going to make things better, so he's less likely to do it..especially when he only has himself to contend with on the decision. Or so he told me.

Anyway, I am IMing Alyse..and not really paying much attention..and texting Mike...who I can already tell is disappointed tonight went 'well', if you can call it that....I mean, I think it's a success if I am still dating Sam after this and he hasn't totally given up on me...like any sensible guy would have by now.
But yeah.
So I am going to say goodnight, sleep well, love you all.