Relapse: Prevent. Trigger intent. Highstrung? Say X amount of words.

I am going through big changes in my life right now. I'm losing and gaining important things, learning, growing up. I am starting to understand what it means to grow up. Considering I know nothing about that, this is a good thing.
I know..I really cry about my life a lot. I complain, and vent, and generally paste my feelings online for everyone to go vexate themselves with while reading them. But I do it for a good reason, in my own mind.
I think I want answers. I have this here because I want a solution for my problems to come out of nowhere and astound me.
Kind of like people asking God for a sign he exists.
The similarity: Unless I wanna be struck dumb or just plain killed, it ain't getting me nowhere.

Ok, seriously. I just have too much inside my head to get out. And a lot of it is really, really personal, to the point where I feel like I can only tell Alyse what's going on. But you can understand why I don't like doing that.
I don't want to emotionally unload on a 14 year old eighth grader, who has quite enough problems of her own without me freaking out about my past, present, and future. Even though she says she doesn't mind.

Maybe I need to learn to trust more. You tell me. Although I am pretty sure trusting people is not something I'll be doing much of in the future. I sort of think I got betrayed by a few people I thought were my friends. Paranoia does stuff to you.

Of course, all of this ties into Sam. Or at least a very large part of it does, since he has been the focal point of the last six and a half months of my life. I mean, I've missed about a weeks worth of time not seeing him, since August. I do not jest when I say he IS my life. Or was anyway, until this shit happened.

So, obviously, I am extremely stressed about our relationship. I want to get through it, stay with him, because I love him, and at one point had myself deluded enough into thinking that he wanted to be with me in the literal sense of forever. Hell if I know whether or not that's still true.

Because of recent events, I can't even see him outside my own house. And today (it's still today in my head seeing as I have yet to go to bed), I almost really messed up. Like bad. If my dad weren't so forgiving, and if I weren't so excessivly emotional that I can cry on command, I probably would have just lost Sam. End of story. Be it my own decision or my parents, it would have happened. I'm walking a smaller and tigher rope than I had previously understood it to be. Now I know.

I almost exploded. My head did the whole overload scenario. Just flashing words and pictures and events and feelings all jumbled together, overwhelming me. I was seeing all the time that had to pass before I could be with Sam how we used to be. My getting caught and the possibility of going to North Carolina. What school I want to go. Getting my GED. Where I want to move out. How on earth will I get a new job? How will I get a car? Will I be able to live with my friends happily? And Sam was prevalent in all of these feelings.

It may be unhealthy for me to do this, in fact I'm almost sure it is, but I base the rough draft of my life around him.
Example: Mike (ex) just asked me the other night if I wanted him to help me get into Weber State. If I wanted to go to school there with him. And I felt the oddest pull in the direction of 'yes'. Not because I want to leave everything I have here, but because I yearn for self-fulfillment, for new and good things in my life.
Then I thought of Sam. And sat back. And said no to Mike.

If I go to North Carolina, I'll lose Sam. When Sam goes off to school, will I be able to follow?

Tonight was, in short, overwhelming. Great word. I pity whoever thought it up though, because they must have been having one hell of a night.

And here's a really scary thought for you. I want to move in with Sam.
YEEEEEEE-AAAAAAHHHH....This is how I see it. A girl asking a guy if she can live with him or come live with her, however it works, is a HUMONGOUS step in a relationship. Like, the monstrosity of all steps. Besides other petty things like engagement, marriage and kids.

And I've told him I want to before. I think. Point being, I have mentioned it with a serious tone in my voice. And I did something like that tonight. I can tell it freaked him out, just a teeney-weeney bit.

Ever since that goddamn letter, I have felt the stress and tension on every serious subject I discuss with him. And our conversations often go in circles too. How much this sucks, how we wish it wouldn't have happened and that things were still the same. Which is why I joked around about moving in with him. To MAKE stuff change. I want my life back. And my head, that is a rational/illogical way of getting it.
Confused? Me too.

So, here's the conclusion I have come to. And please don't take my initial response the wrong way, because I will explain my reasoning directly after.

I need to put my relationship on the back burner of the massive stove that is my life.

That sounds really negative, right?

Well, here's why I say it. See, I need a new job. I need a time filler so obeying my parents won't be so much of an effort, and rather something I just do, because I have other things going on.
I need to detach myself from Sam a little bit. That has a couple reasons to it.

For one, I don't have a choice, my parents are 'monitoring' our contact right now. For two.... *Warning: Blunt Moment* We...seriously, have GOT to stop sleeping with eachother...at least for now..., cuz that is the line between me going to North Carolina and staying home where I can fix things. (And even though Sam says it, I don't think he would really follow me out there. I don't. And if anyone wants to be clever and bring this up and get a real answer out of him on that one, go for it, cuz I'd love to hear it. For conformation or reassurance, either works fine.)

For two, since I don't know where we are going and where we will end up, or just end, I need to be ready if he isn't going to be in my life anymore. I've been through the endless days of not knowing what to do with myself because, oh, I just lost my one true love, and as glorious as it was, that's not a place I desire to revisit ever again. I'm putting up my walls again. Good and bad.

For three. I want to be self dependant. So. SO. SO, bad. And even if you are supposed to rely on your significant other, I am in a place where I want to wall myself away from everything and just depend on me, the one thing I can count on not to let me down. It's not a healthy feeling. I recognize this. I should be open to others, and be able to do that and be comfortable and rely on myself. But that is just not happening right now.

So there. I am an unsure, demotivated kid who has a serious complex with wanting to grow up too fast. First step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.
Okay, now what the fuck do I do.

To close, I have a new theme to add to my blog. At the end or beginning of every one, I am going to have a quote, or my horoscope, something like that, be it pertaining to the day or not. It's just something I feel like doing.

So here's today's love quote. Considering the recent circumstances, I found it very appropriate.

"To love, for us men, is to clasp one woman with our arms, feeling that she lives and breathes just as we do, suffers as we do, thinks with us, loves with us, and, above all, sins with us".
--Baroness Orczy

So true.
Goodnight duckies.