Past, Present, and Future

"Strip for me, as I strip for you. I've got nothing to hide." - Blaqk Audio
So I don't know if this will be short yet or not. I have a few things to talk about, just a few, and one of them is slightly sensitive, so I'm not entirely sure about posting this...eh whatever, I trust whoever reads this.
Okay, so first, I want to talk about Brantley. I've realized that I don't want to be his friend ever again, but I've also realized that I don't want things to end badly between us. I still want to be able to talk to Hayleigh, and not have her hate me because of what went on between Brant and me at the end.So I think I need to go to his house and talk to him. Just say thank you and sorry, say what needs to be said, and then just leave it at that. Leave him alone.Quite obviously he's happy nowadays, and the thing between him and Megan seems to have stopped, so I don't really have a reason to hate him. And even if he keeps cheating on Hayleigh, I don't want that to be my problem. I don't want to have to care about him and his life anymore. That is one less problem in my life, which sounds pretty nice to me.
Next, Megan.
I don't know what to think of her. Maybe we've become indifferent to eachother, her more so. Maybe we'll stay friends. Maybe we won't. Maybe she'll end up hating me. I guess I don't really care about that either. I won't push things in a negative direction, I don't want her to be upset with me or dislike me, but what happens, happens. Something is definetly going to happen between her and I, sooner or later. I just hope I'm ready for it when it does.
Next, me.
This is the awkward part. *sigh* I took a pregnancy test this morning. Half paranoia, half to get rid of it, half to convince myself of something.I wanted to be sure that I could...I guess, start again with a somewhat clean slate as far as Sam and I are concerned. Obviously the past few days have been a huge turning point for our relationship, and I want a clear mind to go with that.This is really hard to explain. It all has something to do with personal closure though. Just telling myself that a piece of our relationship is over. I dunno.But, either way, I'm not pregnant, which I am very happy about, because now I can get on with fixing things with Sam without having to freak out over a potential child walking into our lives.And hey, I was allowed to be worried. =) All girls are.
Next, me and Sam.
Last night, it was quite obvious that I didn't want us to end. And I guess you could say that Sam was the one to finally just initiate the break-up. I'm pretty sure he would agree with me.He said that he just had to go through 'that', to be able to realize that he didn't want us to be over. Or something to that extent anyway. I suppose he meant re-evaluating his life, and losing me, just everything in one.I understand. Just wish there was a less painful way that he could have gone about realizing all this....hehehe, no, it's alright. It was pretty funny though, now that I look back on it. My brain was so freaking angry with me last night, because in a matter of minutes I go from almost completely depressed, and feeling like all my insides are missing, to slowly filling up with this weird liquid happiness that just got hotter and hotter until I didn't notice anything was wrong with me anymore, because nothing was. My world was okay again.Like I told Jorden. I think I just felt every possibly human emotion in the past couple of days. So my brain turned off, and settled for throbbing angrily for the next couple of hours. 'Twas a very interesting feeling.
Next, Mike.
I wish I could have avoided involving him in all this. I ended up having to tell him what was going on simply because I wanted to ask him if it was him that wrote that letter, back when I was still determined to find out.We were on the phone that night after Sam and I got back together, and he told me that he was completely disgusted with himself. For a moment I thought he was going to tell me that he had written the damn thing.But instead he told me what I already knew.He had figured that, after the letter, if he could just push things in the right direction, manipulate the situation a litte bit, that he could get me back. That's why I feel so bad for him, and sincerely wish I had never mentioned anything to him, never let him know there was a problem, at least not until very much after the fact. What's done is done though. It'll work itself out, like all the other things in my life. Except it's sure to include lots and lots of petty drama....you know I'm right.
Next. The future.
I don't know it. I can only hope for the best. Hope that all this really does get resolved. That Sam and I can stick to our commitment and make it work. I think we can. I know my heart is in it all the way. Hooray for the unpredictable.Then again, what fun would life be if we always knew what was coming, huh?
A good morning to you all. Bye for now.