A Love Hate Relationship

(Written 2/20/09)Last night..was one of those nights where I had a reality check on my 'self'. You know, my own person, my integrity, who I am, really, and who I've become. And for about an hour, I really hated it. Hated myself. Loathed myself.It's like everything came back to haunt. Even if it was just for a little while, those memories found me curled on the bathroom sink shaking with tears, hugging myself tighter and tighter simply because I was terrified I was falling apart.I know that I will be alright, that things will turn out. I know I am doing things that are wrong, and my only justification for that is, at least I know it's wrong. I don't think I'm going to change though. I know I am messing up my future, potentially permanently, and I think that was half of why I was sobbing so hard. The other half was me mourning what I've lost in these past six to seven months.
Let me clarify. Ever since Mike and I broke up, I've gradually been losing more and more of my friends. Even after we did, I still hung out with everyone I knew from school, saw Megan all the time, went down to the school for lunch, made time for everyone.Then I started dating Sam. And everything changed.I wanted to be with him all the time. If anyone wanted to talk to me, or hang out with me, or pretty much see me at all, it almost always had to be while I was with him. This wasn't so bad during summer, because he had work, and Megan and my other friends could come over in the morning. I worked with Megan more often. I still saw everyone.Then school started, and I wasn't going back like everyone else.It's just gotten worse. Megan always found a way to kidnap me, and she and Brantley and I talked almost every single night on the phone until one or two am.But then, at the end of December, Brantley and I got in our fight. The one that separated us as friends, for what I think will be forever. I stopped talking to him. I stopped talking to Megan. The two people I trusted, loved, and saw the most were no longer a part of my life. I stopped with Megan because, after my fight with Brantley, I had been staying out later and later. And Sam had an apartment, so I'd be coming home at twelve, one, two in the morning. And she had school, she couldn't always stay up.
People are always texting me and saying how they miss me, old friends trying to get in touch. Alex Brown has moved away, a really good friend of mine, and whereas we used to talk a lot and sneak out to see one another, or him, myself and Mike would go play like we always used to, we don't now. He's gone, in a different state. And although I miss him, I seem so indifferent that I haven't even emailed him.All my friend I used to see at lunchtime at school with Mike. Abe, little Mike, Michelle, Chase, Brittani, they're all gone. My best friends who I really cared about. Alaine, Megan, Brantley, they're disappearing.Hayeigh hates me.Cosette and I hardly talk anymore.Xandra, Emma, Cole, I never see them.Kris, I ignore a lot. Spencer I see, but he's just persistant. And it's not how it used to be.Chelsea and I haven't talked in forever..since two summers ago, really. The only people I see are the ones who persist to see me.That list is as follows:Alex MinerMike HansenSpencer HansenMegan Rooker - On occasion, since she has Jerremy.Take everyone I miss, and used to see..and that's the four names I can come up with.I'm kind of a terrible friend.
Now I do have to look at the upside of this.I didn't add in some of my new friends to that, because they fall under the 'since they are with Sam, I see them all the time' category. Point being, they live with him. Or are dating someone who lives with him.Alyse, Jorden, Deena and Cameron.Alyse. I have known..well, forever. Since she was eight, I think. I knew her sister for six or seven years, I dated her brother for a while, and now I've known her for half her life. I've pretty much known her whole FAMILY half their lives.I've become very close with her of late, seeing as she is dating Jorden, and we now talk on a constant basis. I can trust her with everything, something I've never done with another person on this planet, and I cherish her friendship very much.Jorden. He and I hit it off as friends so quick and easy it's almost weird, but I can't say I mind. He was like the best friend who came in and filled the aching gap that Brantley had left inside me. And he wasn't a replacement, not at all, if that's what it sounds like. He's someone I can talk to very easy, express my fears to without worrying about being judged. and can laugh and have fun with at the drop of a hat.Deena. I've gotten to know her since I started dating Sam, honestly, I was viciously jealous of her in the first few months of being with Sam, which I find very funny now. She's really sweet, and absolutely hilarious, and while we may not be the absolute bestest of friends, I still count her. And I know what she means to Sam.Cameron. He came to live with Jorden, Dee and Sam a few weeks ago. Although if it were a shorter time frame I wouldn't be surprised, it seems like a long time to me because I've gotten along with him so well. This guy is so freaking funny, and while I can honestly say I didn't know what to think of him when I first met him, I think he is completely kickass now. He makes me laugh all the time, he's so witty with some of the things he says. He's trying to quit smoking right now, so the whole aparment is supporting him in that, and really, he's just an all around awesome guy. A new addition to the little clan of boys who like to do ridiculous things like shoot garbage off the top balcony to try and hit the dumpsters.
So there's my new, and not so new, in Alyse's case, friend buddies. The happy side of my life that is a constant now.But I now I think I have to explain why I was so upset last night.It wasn't because I thought of all this myself.It was because Brantley, after about a month of total silence, texted me yesterday out of the blue, saying we needed to talk.
I already knew it couldn't be good news, simply because he had been so happily ignoring me all this time, and I, him.I was so right, too. Cheers to an emotional blast from the past.He was calling to make sure that some rumors that were messing up Hayleigh, that could have only started with me, stopped. Or else, he said, he was pretty much going to fuck up my and Alyse's lives. And he could do it, too. This conversation lasted about forty five minutes, in which amount of time, he made me feel like our fight was all my fault, made me realize what a horrible, moral-less person I am, made me see what I've done to people, and what I've lost by being so obsessed with Sam, himself included in that category.
I texted Sam, really needing him to come get me, come see me, something to just make my brain shut up. For the first time in...about seven months, I was reduced right back to what I was in mid-July. I wanted to cut myself again, I hated myself again, I was crying, which I never do anymore.I've figured out that only Brantley will ever be able to cut me that deep. Maybe with a few exceptions.But Sam was drunk. Perfect timing, huh? Right then I hated alcohol. Because that stupid drink was the only reason I couldn't see the person I really needed to. I wanted to blame Jorden for getting the alcohol, Sam for drinking it, I wanted just something, anything to blame for why I couldn't become happy right now. Then I stopped. I was being childish. And anyway, Sam was calling me.I talked to Sam on the phone for a little more than a half hour, and after crying almost the entire time, we got off the phone with me in a minimally better mood.I just went upstairs and turned on as many distractions as I could. I played music, then started watching Chuck while I cooked noodles and made myself spaghetti. Afterward I went upstairs and typed a few pages of my new story, until the subject matter started scaring me since it was two am.After that I just turned on Blaqk Audio and went to sleep. I just turned my brain off after talking to Sam. I couldn't afford to sit there and go back to hating myself. Because really, if I re-evaluate my life to thoroughly, I could start losing even more, because of myself. If that makes sense.
Thanks for letting me ramble on. I would have typed this up the other night, but I knew I had to be in the right frame of mind.
Lots of love and fuzzy things.