My birthmom, among others.

Tonight merited a blog for a completely unexpected reason.
Some of you may know Colby Goodman. I am quite sure that the vast majority of you know his little sister Alyse, one of my best friends in the world.
A year ago today, Colby and his girlfriend Courtney gave up their baby to a couple by the names of John and Melinda Turner
I stumbled upon Courtney and Melinda's blogs by total accident today. I got on Facebook (A rare occasion, let me tell you) and Courtney had a link posted to her own blog, of her thoughts the day her little Smokey/Sam was given up to his new family.
From there I followed a link to Melinda's blog, Smokey/Sam's new mom.
*To spare confusion/annoyance I'm going to just call the baby Smokey, okay?*
I got to read each mother's perspective of that day, the nervousness and the total heartbreak. The gratitude expressed by Melinda toward Courtney was astounding.
She said that she was in awe of what Courtney gone through for her baby, and thought that it was the most selfless thing that anyone could do as a human being, giving up their child.
I'll admit, as wimpy as this sounds, I ended up crying just a bit by the end of Melinda's blog. It was just so touching. But what got me at the end was the thought of "That's what my mom did for me."

I don't think I'm grateful enough to my own mother for that. She gave me up, her first daughter, to a better family, because she loved me and wanted me to grow up and be happy.
Living with my own family has been a far cry from easy, and my own anger and respite seems to have really gotten in the way of the big picture that is my life.
Sure it hasn't been easy. What teen has a totally easy time with their parents? (With the exception of those odd and lucky few).
But there was someone in this world who loved me more than she had ever loved anything, and because of that, gave me up to a family she trusted to raise me and take care of me.

I want to find my mom again. Especially after reading about Courtney and Melinda. I've never wanted it this bad before.

I talked to Angelique's friend Adelaide, who is also adopted, and already of the legal age of 18 and found her mother. She said it was the most amazing experience she's ever had. She found another family that she fit in with completely, and now she talks to her birthmom every Sunday and enjoys having this interaction.
I just home I can meet my own birthmother and have that same sort of connection. I never really felt like anything was ever missing from my life, in the "I'm adopted" sense, but now I just really want to be able to find that other part of me I don't know about.
Even if nothing insane happens, I just hope I will get to have the priviledge of meeting the person who brought me into this world, and tell her how... I don't even have words for it.
Grateful to her hardly covers it.
I guess tell her I love her. Love her for what she did for me.

I've never thougth about loving my birthmom before. But now, even though I don't know her, I do. I love what she did for me. And I want to be able to tell her that someday soon.

Sorry I'm getting all teary-eyed and sentimental. But I really did want to share that. Try not to laugh at me too hard.

-Nessa-

Dust out the Inbox

Well I should be asleep...as usual.. but I just wanted to put something up real fast.

I just went through my MySpace inbox, because it has been telling me that I have twelve unopened messages since..well, forever ago. It was very annoying. Thusly, I decided to rectify this.
Anyway, I found a lot of old messages that I had completely forgotten about.
Some from Preston, and ex who I now think has totally lost his mind and become a gangster for Insane Clown Posse ( You know, Hatchet Man?), some from Quinton, and some from Zach, a kid from my program.
It was interesting to see how people passed in and out of my life, and how things have changed. A lot of the messages had me saying I love you so much blah blah blah your mine forever blah blah blah, and now I don't talk to any of them anymore. Well, Quinton I talk to every couple months..but still.
I guess I miss the old days. I don't want them back though. I'm glad I can actually say that.

There are those MySpace quizzes that say "If you could go back to any moment in your life and stay there to relive it over and over, what time would it be?" I used to have certain periods of time that I missed, and wanted back so bad it was almost like a physical pain.
But I don't have those anymore. I don't miss the Good Old Days, I just remember them. I don't know when this happened, but I am glad it did.
To me it means that I am finally content in my own life, and with my old life, enough that I can let memories be memories instead of those "could have, would have, should have" moments.

Oh, by the by, I watched Lord of the Rings on my home theater system...that was really awesome. I think my parents got shit for speakers though, which pisses me off. I wish that, at least once, they could have invested just a little extra money for something that is going to be fulfilling in a long term sense.

Okay it's almost two am, I have screwed my sleep schedule to hell, and I have got to go force myself to bed.

6 days until I see Sam!
EEEEEEE!!!!!
Loves.
-Nessa-

Stuffed Animals at Midnight.

I'm upstairs at Jerremy's house, and he and Megan are downstairs with each other at the moment. I heard something about community showers going on... Don't think I'll join.. tee hee.
Jerr just bought the new Owl City CD, and I absolutely love it. I have a couple songs from the older album that Brantley emailed me, some of which cut off mid-song (annoying, that), but all in all I love them.
They're happy and new and awesome. I decided that I seriously need to steal them from Jerremy..

Anyway, I have started missing Sam so much, that when Megan asked me to sleep over with her, I got his pj pants, and the stuffed dog he once owned that now belongs to me. His name is Lou.
I find it interesting that Sam is now one of two guys I know/have dated that has a little stuffed dog that they love, and have owned forever. It's kinda cute in my opinion.
Oh, and Sam also has his stuffed Stitch that he always has around..he took that with him to college. Hehe, wonder what his roomate thinks of that.

Jerremy has a really old keyboard... the Enter key is like massive, and the backspace is still normal key size... and did I mention the keyboard is yellowing? Yes, it's very, very old.

So I FINALLY got my dad to call the damn insurance guy.. I'm seeing him tomorrow at one in the afternoon. The original appointment was at nine in the morning. I sort of freaked out when my mom told me that, but she thankfully corrected herself to a more reasonable hour of the day, so I could actually sleep in.

My cold is going away, now I just sound like a weather man coming in over a very bad station, but no more misery nasal headaches, and what was constant sniffling is now just every once in a while. Like I said, when I get sick, cuz I don't very often, it's a bitch. Seriously.. Rawr.
Why did God invent sickness? I don't get it. I really don't.
Just, one day, "Here, have cancer. Trials and tribulation will befall you, and you will most likely leave a struggling and overcome spouse behind to care for your three grief-stricken children, but it's all good! You had a learning experience!"
Okay, I know it's not that cold-hearted, but you still get my point.

My mom is really mean. She hates being one-upped by people, and thusly, when she is, she starts bashing on them and saying rude stuff. I can't name names, because the child of the mother she is frustrated with might read this blog..but in my defense (should names be discovered) I think my mom is petty, and that she should suck it up.

Oh, and I met David Sedano yesterday. That was an adventure.. So, I was really sick and didn't go to work because I felt like absolute shit, but Megan convinced me out of the house with promises of her homemade chicken noodle soup (that stuff is amazing), and so I let her take me. We had her German exchange student with us in the car too, her name is Tatianna. Megan wanted to grab Jerr before we migrated to Provo, so when we dropped by, we got him, and David, who was with him at the time.
So something about David. He makes no sense. On the car ride down he was being weird, loud as fuck, and wanted to listen to songs that even hurt MY precious ears with how gross they were ( I was screaming at Jerr to turn them off)... And then when we had to take everyone home again, he and I got into a deep discussion about his ex-girlfriend that he was crazy for, and another one that dumped him the day after Christmas.
I don't understand David. One second, he's loud, perverted, and almost overbearingly just there, and the next second he is the most caring, understanding, sweet, soft-hearted guy I've ever met who is still straight. (That last part is a joke, he was doing gay imitations all night, and if I hadn't known he was hetero, I would have asked to meet his boyfriend,)
Like, he watched The Notebook with Jerr and cried. Yeah. That sensitive.
So he's my new friend and he's awesome.

Jerr has the funniest little dog, you have to escort him outside to go to the bathroom, he's like a little princess.

Anyway, I think I'm running out of stuff to talk about that doesn't have to do with Sam. I'm excited to see him in a week and about a day, considering it's about 15 minutes before midnight.
Guess I'll just sit here with Lou and peruse the internet, and all it's dull wonders.

Night.
-Nessa-

P.S. I miss talking to Mike. He just moved out to his apartment by school and started college on Wednesday, and I wish I could see how he was doing. Oh well. Everything happens for a reason, right? Because that mud puddle Jerr shoved me into today... No, I'm kidding.
Again, goodnight.

Review!!!

I'm back on Fictionpress, and when I signed on today after painstakingly creating a story last night, I had one review! I should probably not be too excited, considering the fact that other people on there are like 'OMG 200 reviews is average...', but at the very least, I'm still proud of myself.
Annoying thing though, one of my stories on there has gotten like 40 hits (40 people have looked at it), and I haven't gotten any reviews... It's the most popular one too...people are such poor sports. I like feedback. It makes me feel...not invisible. lol
Little Juke is doing rather well at my house =) I let him roam around and play outside, and he loves teasing our other cats, who seem to tolerate him as best as they can. Sammie seems to take to him best. I guess since Sammie himself is only a little bit more than a year old, he can handle a hyperactive, overly-inquisitive kitten, whereas Loki, who is about seven, would just as soon bop Juke on the head with a pawful of claws. Which, in fact, he did just the other day.
Juke still cries like a baby when you leave him alone, even when he's outside. If I'm on the deck reading and go inside to get something to eat, he'll sit at the door and whine until I either let him in, or come back out and keep him company. It's so silly..
Like earlier? I came out, and he had been screaming at me for like five minutes straight, but when I looked around, he's all relaxed on the BBQ with his eyes half shut. He's such a little drama queen... An adorable one though.
Oh, and he loves trees. He just shoot straight up them at every opportunity. It's so funny too, cuz he'll slip and just be hanging on by his front paws, and his face is just so classic. "ZOMFG WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!?!" Is basically what it says..
I'm probably moving out in early September. I finally called our insurance guy, and while it has taken a lot of back and forth, I'm pretty sure that, after just a little more aggravation, I will have set up at appointment to meet with him this week.
My mom sounds open to letting me take the car with me when I go up to live with Megan in Provo, and I really hope my dad lets me as well. My parents are all about the "United, we NEVER make decisions without consulting one another" stuff. Sometimes it's really annoying. And it makes them harder to play.
I am also sick. I don't get sick very often, so when I get something even as light as a cold, which is what I have, it beats the hell out of me. I wake up, I can't breathe, I'm sneezing, I cough occasionally, and I can't smell a damn thing.
Oh, and I went temporarily deaf in one ear for the morning. Lemme tell you, awesome stuff to wake up to.
Sam seems really happy in college, minus stupid teachers that loose his stuff. He's made friends, and gets to play poker with them, all that jazz. Also, he's trying to set up a campus wide game of Humans vs. Zombies. When he explained it to me, it sounded awesome, if not a little silly. Silly in the good way though, I know I would join in if I was up there, an no, not just because I'm his girlfriend and I love him.
Which I do.
You know, I consider myself lucky in some ways. I have gotten to watch Sam move out and seen the stuff that goes with living on your own, and now all my friends are going to college, so I will get to see what that is like too. Give myself a little insight as far as what not to do and stuff. Maybe being at least a year younger than everyone I know isn't such a bad thing..
Well, I have to go to work.. My dad should be here any minute to get me, and I have to catch Juke and get him inside before I leave. I still don't like leaving that adorable little thing on his own for too long.
Much love and cookies.
-Nessa-

Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting!

Warped Tour and my and Sam's one year anniversary was on August 8th. It was a really great day. I got to spend the entire time with Alyse, Coriann, Cameron, and Sam, getting my eardrums blown and seeing some of the more outrageous sides of teen fashion.

Oh, and some guy who was trying to get to Seattle was letting people kick him in the balls if they gave him enough money. Dedicated man. I'll post vidoes at the bottom.

I got slightly sunburned, partially dehydrated, and became the designated pack mule for water, shirts and an excess of stickers and slogans.

On the up side, I got to kiss the cheek and hold the hand of The White Tie Affair lead singer, which basically made my life. Reference picture on the right.

I wasn't able to go see 3Oh!3 when they came on, mostly due to the fact that I had the purse full of junk and, well, no one else did. I was also tired, and figured I'd opt out of the the frustration that was sure to be mine if I wandered into a wild crowd. I regret having done so, but what can one do?

It was an okay day, all in all.

Coriann was the savior of the day, having packed water bottles, sandwiches for before and after (damned no re-entry rule), and helping me get the purse to lug our stuff around in. She also provided transportation, since Sam's car broke again, and treated everyone to Yapona after the day was through. Awesome, is she not?

(If I have missed something in the list of stuff she did for us, someone please speak up so I can amend.)

It's two days later, and Sam should be leaving for college with in the next couple weeks. My parents (more specifically mom) still stoically refuse to let me have use of a car no matter what the hell I do, so I suppose it will be up to Sam for now on whether or not we will be seeing each other anytime soon.

Oh, and I found a scary movie I can actually watch. It's called Breathing Room. Like Brandon said, it had some bad acting, but I got through it.

Brandon is Deena's new boyfriend by the way. I like him, although he seems much too happy to be leaving for the army to go shoot stuff on Tuesday. I won't see him again for a year, since Sam went camping earlier today till Wendesday. Kinda sucks. I feel bad for Dee.

The time at the apartment is almost up, and Deena has been the savior there. This month she payed all but 100 dollars of rent. Pretty awesome of her, no? Although I can't decide which would suck more, having and eviction on your record, or owing your friend a shitload of money that will take you forever to pay back.

I hate debt.

Well, for endings, here's the movie of the guy willingly getting kicked in the balls. Happy viewing!

(Oh, and I filmed it sideways apparently, and I dont' have a damn clue on how to fix it, sorry..)

Whoops. I broke terms of service. Nothing obscene. Does this count? lol

-Nessa-

Quick Skip and A Jump

They say eavesdroppers will never hear anything good about themselves. I suppose when people snoop around where they don't belong they are going to end up seeing and reading stuff they really just didn't want to know.
In either case, I've hardly learned my lesson.
Sad part is, if someone knew what I'd done, it would probably cause an odd rift in the trust I've built with them. But being me, I'm paranoid, and jealous, and very protective. It's no excuse, and I'm not trying to make any...but I'm just sad.
How can I go from calm and happy to silent, pensive, and borderline upset all in a few minutes?

Updates:

• Cam and Cori broke up. That came as a shocking surprise, one I think I'd rather live without. After hearing the back-story it all makes sense, but I'm still sad about it. They made such a cute couple.

• Sam and I are having our one year anniversary on the 8th of August. One year...geez.

• Sam is going to college at the University of Utah, two hours away, up in Logan. I almost have use of my brother's truck, so I'm not like terrified or anything...

That's a lie.

Honestly, I'm scared stupid of Sam going to college. I know it's what he wants to do, and will support him wholeheartedly... but in truth I'm just waiting for the day he calls me or sees me and says "Hey, this whole long distance thing really isn't working out."
I talked to Deena and Jorden about it a bit. More Dee than Jorden really. She's very helpful when your trying to work through big life changes, because she's been through things like this, and is good at looking at a situation and judging it dispassionately.
In other words, she gives good advice.

The main thing she brought up was my biggest worry. Girls. Girls, girls, girls.
They're going to be everywhere, and my boyfriend is, by basic standards, pretty good looking. So, like I said, the day he comes up to me and says it would be best for it to break it off...well let's say I won't be caught off guard.
But I never said anything about not being totally devastated.

Back to updates.

• Rob and Amber are getting married tomorrow, the 24th, and Amber is about 4 months pregnant at the moment. Congratulations to them both, I do ever so hope it works out for them and their kid. Their reception is the first of August.

• The first of August is also the Highland Fling and Sam's little brother Eli's day to get baptized.

• Sam is getting a new tattoo. I don't want him to, but I can't change his mind. It's a Taurus tattoo. Have I ever mentioned that all my boyfriends have been Taurus?

• Warped Tour is on the 8th.

Well, that's all I'm coming up with right now.
Much love.
-Nessa-

Douchebagery...and the like.

So I might be going to Boondocks with Zack, that'll be interesting. It was really funny though because he said that we'd be on the Go Karts like 95% of the time. I already had him pegged for a kart enthusiast, so I'm not very surprised.
Confirmation: Should I be wanting to go, I can, because he agreed. Fun freaking stuff.

I don't know if I should go though. Sam said it was fine, like he didn't care. He's playing Halo anyway lol.

Well, I should be getting ready for the epic "LET ME DRIVE MY BROTHERS TRUCK" argument with my parents. Just watch, their requirements will include, but not be limited to

• My paying tons of the insurance
• My chores getting done daily
• My ALWAYS telling them where I am

Never mind that Kendall will be bothering me about it too. What with the whole he thinks I will totally trash his car. I mean, it's not like I could even if I wanted to, it's a truck, and a really durable one at that, and come on, I know how to drive.
He said if I take it off roading he will slaughter me painfully...
No worries though. I've been through that with Megan behind the wheel, and trust me when I say NEVER AGAIN.

Either how...
Oh.
Brantley.

He and Hayleigh got broken up by her parents because they think that Hayleigh is too young for as serious of a relationship as she was having with Brantley. I've heard other reasons but I'm inclined to believe that one because it's the kindest...and all the other stuff I've heard has come from people who really don't like Brantley.
So, he called me the morning it happened, on the 4th of July, funnily enough. He was crying and asked me to come over, to which I agreed, Lord knows why.
We talked the day after as well, and it all ended in crying and stupidity.

From then on I decided I wasn't talking to him at all ever.
It doesn't really work.
He's the only human being capable of getting under my skin that terribly, and staying there, like an itch that cannot be scratched, and yet doesn't itch in the first place.
He apoligized to me though. About the letter.
He said that feels his reasons behind sending the letter were and are justified, but that the way he went about it and how vindictive he was was wrong, and that he was truly sorry.
He's also wanting and begun to make many changes in his life happen, and all I can say is that I hope, for his sake, that he isn't lying to himself and can truly make himself a better person, inside and out.

Beyond that, I hope I never have to see/speak to/associate with him in any way again.
Not for mean reasons either. I am letting my grudge of about five months slowly go away. It's definetly hard, but made easy by the fact that he finally apoligized.

So anyway, I'm going to go get sushi, and try to spice up my life a little, so much love to everyone, and I'll post later if anything of note happens.

Oh, did I mention that after I painted my room, Kendall fingerpainted bright green dicks all over the walls? Yeah.... he's twenty and a Marine, go figure. He acts like he's six. It's to be expected, but still. Come on.
He's paying me back in a lovely way however, so I suppose I really shouldn't complain.

Much love.
-Nessa-