Weathermen = Professional Bullshitters

(Before we proceed...Please for the love of God, recommend me some new bands, I am DYING here..)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This excerpt from my head is, obviously, about the weather.
The weather that I am currently sick of.
The weather that, in fact, we should so not be having as we crawl ever closer to April.
Unfortunately I am forced to accept that I live in Utah, and it's still March. And also accept that, logically, the weather will not even out until mid-April by my guess.
As long as I can get to the 3Oh!3 concert without too much hindrance I won't complain.

But really. One day, summer. I could walk to the bank at five in the afternoon in a T-Shirt, not feeling in the slightest bit cold.
Then, a few days later, someone decides to pick up our snowglobe of a state and shake it, vigorously.
I wake up to wind howling outside my window this morning, and can see the white sheen of blizzarding snow through my black curtains. Halfway through the day this icing of snow has gone from slick and unending to splotched and runny across the valley, but the icy wind lingers and happily blows on full force.
All I will do when the snow melts and the sun comes out to do it's real job (heat the earth, not just sit there and laugh), is pull on some shorts, and shove a parka into my void of a purse.

Sorry, I'm just tired of snow. Last year it lasted for ages, with feet and feet of snow piling itself on my driveway endlessly, even into May I think, and then we suffer a gloriously blistering summer...and then the snow returns. No longer dumping on us, but just lasting..and lasting... and lllllaaaaasssttttiiiinnnnggggg....
I boycott snow. Join me in this noble cause. I promise it will be worth your time. Won't say anything about what impact it will make (or total lack thereof) but hey, whatever, right?
Ok, I'm done. =)

hEaRtS and FuZzIeS
-Nessa-

• Cigarettes are bad for you. They're also an oddly bonding hobby
• Friends are a sign that all is not lost in this world
• Trust is the most important thing to have with someone you love
• Love is hard to find and easy to lose
• Cars are too damn expensive
• The world stresses on education too much
• Obama is screwing us all over (jk, I just love hearing how much everyone hates him)
• I don't understand boys
• Everyone has stopped texting me to go to bed

Goodnight. =)

My grandpa, Bob Sherman.

Sorry I've been so post happy within the last twelve hours or so, I just keep coming up with stuff to stick on here.
So, what you are about to watch is a movie made by a graduate student at USC (University of Southern California), of my grandpa. Obviously the boy is pursuing a career in cinematography.
He's my mom's dad, and by far my favorite relative, next to my Danish aunt (who is loud and overbearing in the sweetest of ways) and this movie sort of makes me feel extra proud of him.
He's getting on in years, and while I hope to have him here to see his great grandkids, I know he can't stick around for too much longer.
Because I love him so much, here you go.
My Grandpa Bob.

Belonging.

*I blame Jorden's blog about belonging in Julia's family on this one.*

So I got to thinking, as I usually do, even if I'm not an initially intelligent creature. I'd only just posted my most recent blog maybe thirty minutes ago, then sat back to text Alyse, Mike and Kevin, not really considering upon much of anything.
My brain proceeded to play Lightning Speed Association, and I found myself thinking all the way back to when I was dating Mike.

I guess I've never been great with adults. Okay, I straight up suck with them. Unless they are anything like Alyse's mom, I am scared of them, and find it almost impossible to relate to them, or hold any sort of decent, mutually entertaining conversation. I suppose my teenage wit is lost on them.
No, I'm really just a loser. =)
Whenever I get a new boyfriend, I am always terrified to meet his parents. I had been hardwired to avoid them, because they are the inflicters of punishment, and the ultimate dictators to my happiness. Only once have I ever found myself comfortable in the meet-boyfriends-parents situation, and that was when I was dating Preston.
His mother was a single mom most of the time I knew her, struggling to pay rent and feed 5 kids with an ex-husband who never paid a cent of child support. She knew I snuck over late at night and early in the morning, she knew Preston and I spent most of our time in his room, and she didn't mind. I guess she could have been too harried to care, but I never got the vibe that she disliked me.
Probably because I got her kid to quit smoking weed, drinking, and cutting all in one go.

With Brantley, who was before Preston...well, to put it quaintly, his mother scared me shitless.
She stared at me like I was Satan, bored holes in my back with here eyes (I still have the scars), and pretty much hated me after...after me and Brantley had our forced break up.
I guess that was because I quite thoroughly cut him out of his mother's apron strings.
Mike...He was different. He was my high school boyfriend I was dying to marry. And, while I got him to quit cutting and kept him mostly out of serious trouble, we did skip school together, and that's where it started. But even later, I still could never figure out his parents. Only until it was all over and his mother took me out to lunch did I truly understand what they (mostly his mother) thought of me.
Yes, I went out to lunch with her.
Aren't I brave lol.
I still remember the freak out I had after that. I guess having the idea that your a worthless loser of a girl who will never amount to anything, and is in no way good enough for dear Bonnie's son is rather wracking for ones nerves.
So after spending about seven months feeling happy and in love, and relatively secure in position as reasonably tolerated girlfriend by the overlord adults...I lost all hope in ever being able to find a situation in which I felt that I belonged on any level with a family other than my own. (Even in mine I have issues. Major ones.)
This held for Sam as well. I distinctly remember the first time he brought me home and introduced me. I was reduced to a scared six year old mentality, one that is expecting an imminent spanking. But they just looked me over, smiled, and were very polite.
They still had yet to form an opinion of me. And, I figured, sooner or later I'd find out what it was.
The future stayed bright. Then February rolled around.
Six months in, I lost another family. And this time it hurt even worse than with Mike. I mean, with Mike, it was his little brothers and him, maybe his grandparents that I worried about, not his parents. I could already tell (from many attempts to get me away from their kid) that they didn't like me one little bit, and with good reason, I'll give them that.
But I'll have you know that their son was ever bit as much a party to what we did as I was. So quit blaming only me, hehe.
Back to Sam and family losing.

So, with Sam's family, it went like this. I am friends with both of his sisters, one of which is very close to my age. I would be in her grade (I think) if I hadn't skipped a grade, and if I hadn't left school. The other is two or so years younger, and is in junior high. I love them both, and find them really funny and easy to get along with.
The night before my world exploded for the millionth time I went to a play with both of them, and Sam's aunt, along with Sam himself. I dropped them off at their house before taking Sam's car home that Friday night. I would go so far as to call them friends.
His littlest sister really likes me. Whenever I come over she gives me a huge hug, same with when I leave. We had a bet going that I would get her a jar of pickles all for herself on her birthday. ( I did.)
His mom and dad never opposed me, and Sam told me that they liked me. I all but forced him to get opinions out of them, and was busy making my own, as far as how I thought they saw me. I didn't get Sam in trouble, we didn't stay out obscenely late (most of the time)...So in the end, they liked me.
His little brother and second youngest sister don't hold to much of a role, that's just how it's always been, but I still love them both. I'm focusing on main things right now.
Anyway, so, I wake up on Saturday, go to work, and halfway through my shift....boom. Everything just goes off the edge.
I only held it together because I knew how this story played out, I'd "been there, done that" one too many times. Jorden saw the small side of me that reacted just like I would have the first time around. The bawling, sobbing, I'm going insane, part.

I went home from Sam's apartment that night, crying the whole way, sobbing when I said goodbye to him, not wanting to go inside when he ran across the road to hug me one last time. We both thought that was it, we were over as over could be.
I hated how familiar the feeling of total loss was inside my chest. And I hated to be the one to push away, to say goodbye, to turn around, and walk away. For an insane insant, the whole world froze.
Then the front door shut behind me, and I watched his lights fade down my hill, the bright red showing dimly through the trees.

Life has a way of catching one off gaurd. And life shot me for a complete spin in the coming days.
Because it didn't all fall apart. I didn't have to lose everything dear to me, all over again. And just last week, despite what I'd heard via parents, I went over to Sam's house for dinner for the first time in five weeks, and it was fine.
No death glares. No shunning. His dad teased like he always did. His mother stayed the happy, charming hostess she always had been. We all talked like everything was normal.
And as Sam squeezed my hand under the table, I remember something he has told me one-thousand times over. And I always forget.
"Never underestimate me."
He had told me everything would be okay. For that night, and all the others. He had told me that his parents were exceptional.
I think I should start remembering the things he tells me. And I'll never underestimate him again.
(I know that two guys and only one girl regularly read my blog, so I'll stop here before I start with my "Sam's amazing, Sam's wonderful, Oh my freaking God, I love Sam", to spare them the agony of having to plod through the emotional love puddle I seem to melt into whenever I put any extensive thought into Sam at all...)

After that night was over, I was left feeling that there really was hope in the world for all us wayward teenagers. All you've got to have are a couple of parents that can understand the mistakes you make, and while it may be so hard to work past them, the fact that they will let you do it, and not just totally blast you off the face of the earth is comforting.
I've had that happen to me too many times. I hate the feeling of disappointment I get, for having let everyone down, and it's just nice to know that, while Sam's parents may not adore every inch of me, they aren't disgusted by me, and they don't think I'm not good enough for their kid.
(At least I hope not ^.^) And the fact that they are doing this...makes me respect them more than I have ever respected Tyra (Brant's mum), or Bonnie.
Really, it's how you conduct yourself through the really hard stuff that counts. And what they did has earned them my awe for a long time. They're good people, and I'm sure as hell grateful they ended up being Sam's parents for this one.
This is where I leave you for now, then.
Much love, duckies, sleep well.
-Nessa-

P.S. Oh my god, this blog held a point through the entire thing...
Sorry, I just have such a problem with tangents that after I re-read this I was beyond surprised.
Bye!!

P.P.S Sorry about the double post. =)

Pointlessness...in Excess.

So...
So I don't know. Today was just upbeat and fun, albeit a little disturbing, but extremely socially fulfilling. This is mostly due to an abundance of best friends, an excess of blonde moments, and a dash of witticism and well placed sarcasm.
First and foremost, I should like to speak of Zach, A.k.a Hercules. (Dubbed as such by Sam.)
Zach, who's real name is James, which confuses me, seems to find extreme entertainment in the form of terrifying me as much as he can manage during shifts we spend together. Tonight he succeeded in making me scream, jump at least ten inches off the floor, hit him as hard as I could (and only hurt myself, he has too many muscles), and swear profusely.
He also made fun of me because I keep going blind and not seeing that we have veggies in the fridge, so I go buy some and he decided to point out that we had plenty after the fact.
At which point I steal his money bag and play keep away.
Then he tries to pile drive me into the fridge.
So I hide in the bathroom and lock the door.
Which he tries to pry open with a screw driver.
We really don't get much work done...

Second, Sam.
Okay, I lied, I can't tell you about that part.

Third, Cameron.
His blog, appropriately titled "Story Time!" sort of made my night. I do ever so enjoy reading anything he posts, he seems to contribute almost entirely to the witticism part of my day, because he seems to be full of such things.
I still adore the ice cube maiden voyage memory.

I talked to Kayleanne at work for pretty much the entire night. Her mission in life seems to be sharing as many pointles and invalid details about her sordid life as is possible, to as many random people as she can find. I must say, she does accomplish this rather well.
I now have seen her tramp stamp, her belly ring, heard who she lost her virginity too, exactly what she and her sister did to get back at her step dad (gag me, that was disgusting), what drugs she has been around, how much she hates her step dad, when she lost her virginity, how many piercings she's ever had, how high the guy who did her piercings was....The list goes in, in all it's painful insignificance.
Not to be mean, she's a sweet girl, and quite pretty, but really, there are just some things that you don't share with people you don't know that well. This nonstop chatter, combined with her tendancy to be lazy and not do her work, thusly having others do it for her, makes for myself and most of 5 Buck having a bad opinion of her.
I apologize if I sound mean.
What else can I share about my day...
I picked up Jorden today. =)
As you can tell I am very proud of myself for accomplishing this menial task.
But really, I have no idea why I enjoy being around him so much. Not that this is a bad thing, quite the contrary, but from the second he got in the car to the second he left I was all happy and bubbly and energetic. I will attribute some of this to my driving...I just enjoy that too much, and I pulled some ninja moves on the way to getting him, so I was busy being cocky.
Jorden is just like, awesome. Seriously. He's way freaking funny, and a total sweetheart, and one of the few people I can go to with the stupidest of problems without feeling like a total dumbass while pouring out my heart. I hope he can say the same hehe.
I dunno...I think just calling him my brother sums up our relationship, cuz really, at times I can pretty honestly say that we're that close. I hope I am not overdoing this whole "Me and Jorden are besties for life" schpeal, but I'm just tellling it how I see it.
Sam's amazing.
Thought I'd throw that out there.
Fall Out Boy is pretty cool too...I am listening to them for the first time in a while...I don't quite understand why everyone doesn't like them. I know someone (I think it was Jorden) told me that they paid other people to write their songs, but irregardless I still like them.
Nevermind the words, Pete has a good voice.
Have I ever mentioned that Sam looks a tiny bit like Pete Wentz? Or did when I first started dating him? Sam was a little more emo back then...ok a lot.
Okay, focusing.
I also watched The Holiday with Angelique and Megan. This counts as today because it was at two am.
Prior to this movie watching, we tried deying my hair purple, after Angels....It didn't really work on me, just proceeded to give my hair a really cool tint, and make it darker, which is a good thing.
Okay, I really have nothing to talk about anymore.
Well, Spring has officially gotten to me, and put me in a splendiferous mood, not adding the fact that I have to wake up early for church tomorrow. But I shall not let that get me down.
I AM HAPPPPEEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!
No, for all you skeptics, I am not on drugs right now. I'm sure that would be dangerous considering how dangerously high my happiness level is. I just might explode.
I love you all, and please give me ideas for blogging, because I'm out, and have the feeling that I am becoming dull.
Either way,
Goodnight, I love you, your all amazing, and I hope your sleeping well.
-Nessa-

Associate to Disassociation

So as I sat on my couch around one am today, watching the snow swirl in harried circles against the window panes, I got to thinking. This is a normal thing for me, late at night, because after a while you tend to run out of things to do.
I'd just gotten home from Sam's, where I'd stayed much later than I was allowed, or even previously intended. But I guess all things could quite possibly happen for a reason. I had also just finished a rather in depth conversation with Jorden. We tend to have these little moments on the not so rare occasions when Sam falls asleep and can't take me home.
With a lot on my mind and no where to put it, I took my bowl of grapes and mug of milk, and settled down onto my blanket-covered couch to contemplate the aggravating weather, and to mull over everything in general.
After a few moments of musing, something of no importance caught my attention.
The hum of the heater going.
Just a little later, as I scrolled through the ringtones on my phone, trying to pick a new one, a few of the tunes I have had since I first had a cellphone caught my attention.
Which is where this blog comes into play.
I'm sure that when I say that I strongly associate sound with memories, a lot of people can relate.
A couple of examples.
The heater. For one, I have heard that sound since I was born, pretty much, because I have lived in this house ever since the day my parents brought me home from the adoption agency. It is a late night sound, one of warmth and comfort, and brings such feelings with it.
The song Paranoid Android. I had that as my ringtone for all the couple months I slept over at Sam's all the time and broke curfew like one would break pencil led.
(Yes, that was a TOTALLY pointless analogy.)
An excess of bands of course come to mind, music being key in unlocking different memories. I have a song for every boyfriend, a band for every season, an album for every year of high school. Not that I spent too many there. =)
For Sam there is Lil' Wayne, Tha Carter III album.
I'm In Miami Bitch for Jorden.
Hinder for Mike, and the song Everything by Lifehouse.
Chasing Cars for Preston.
I Think We're Alone Now for Brantley.
Snow Patrol for my sophmore year, specifically my history class.
Tegan and Sara...for a multitude of reasons.
I promise I could go on for ages. Those are just the instant ones that come to mind.
And one more thing about a heater.
This morning, when I went to IHOP with Sam, Jorden and Lana, for Lana's birthday, when we got home (to the apartment, but same difference to me), I heard their heater going off. It was still dark outside, and everything was very quiet. The hum of that heater was what I fell asleep to almost every Friday night for two months. It reminded me of Sam very strongly, but also of friends, peace, content, happiness.
I just find it fascinating how the brain has such a strong association to things with sound. Pick out a memory in your life, preferably something remotely significant, and I am pretty sure you're going to be able to pick out a sound to go with it.
Thought I'd throw that out there.
Also quite interesting how your brain proceeds to reject sounds that tend to remind you of significantly painful memories. I still can't listen to a lot of music that I did when I was dating different guys. Not because it any longer gets to me, but more to leave the memories where they belong, far in the past.
But some things are recent enough where my mind just instantly rejects the thought of the instant replays it knows are coming when I turn on certain music.
Anberlin is a band that comes to mind.
The song Paralyzed.
I Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd.
The Maine.
Tha Carter III.
Best I Ever Had by Vertical Horizon
Not all of these are negative. Actually, only two really are. But my mind still doesn't want to hear all this, because it want's to preserve the memories that are so strongly linked to this music.

Okay, I think I have gone on long enough. You probably lost interest a while ago. I have just been picking up on auditory memory so much lately I wanted to get it out of my head.
Much love, goodnight.
-Nessa-

The past is the past, there for us to learn from, not to mourn.
The present is where we struggle to understand what we are to gain from this.
And the future is where we will look back and finally realize what it all meant.

"That was Easy!"

I'm supposed to be sleeping right now, but I'm up blogging instead. Shhhh, don't tell Sam. =)

This will be brief, sadly, as my last blog was as well. I guess I've gotten rather disinterested in blogging, seeing as most of my problems are getting repetitive, whereas when I began blogging that was not the case.

I have a small item of interest to share, so let me get on with that.

Today, before I went to work, I was having mood swings something awful, and decided to get into another one of those pointless conversations with my mom that revolve around nothing but emotion, and also never get me anywhere.

You can imagine my shock when this one did not take it's usual course.

I expressed my increasing want to return to school (I don't find 'interest' the right word to use here) in quite the over emotional fashion, and after talking about my plans for the next, oh, nine months of my life, we came to something of a vauge conclusion.

Upon which time I graduate, my parents will buy me a car.

Yeeeeeah. A car. Trust me, this was not what I expected to get out of her when I picked up the good old strand of self loathing.

Of course, this idea has to be discussed with my father. Then he'll have to mull over it for about six to eight weeks (that's if I'm lucky), we'll talk again, and he'll mull some more.

In all honesty I don't think it will take that long, but I will be sure to get my parents names, in BLOOD, on a binding contract if all goes as planned.

This could be fun next nine months. You know, getting to school and work using our only family car, having to rely on my dad for like EVERYTHING. That should be awesome. *sigh* Life never comes with an 'easy' option does it.

Just the big red buttons to press after the fact.

I've always just wanted to chuck one of those against a wall.

Ten High Points

I'm suffering from acute optomism right now, due to a couple different factors.
For one, Alyse is just amazing, and I love her.
For two, Alex is an awesome best friend, even though his self righteous attitude does get on my nerves a little at times. I'm pretty sure that God keeps him around just to keep me in line. And to give me someone to argue with over totally pointless things. He and I have constantly differing opinions.
For three, I could potentially go to two proms this year. That would be really fun.
Four, I finally got the 'go see your Stake President' out of the way. I'm really happy about that. In two weeks I can go back to living my life normally, or as normal as it will ever get, and put all this in the past. I really like the sound of that. Like ridiculously so.
Five. Even though Megan smushed her finger and had to go to the hospital and get stitches and stuff, I work a lot more this week because of it, and see it as a blessing in disguise because I SERIOUSLY need the money right now. It's going to be an expensive next couple of months, I can feel it...
Six... today, although with its retarded ups and downs I had to deal with, turned out pretty okay.
I love my boyfriend, my friends are amazing, my room is the warmest in the house, which is staying at a balmy 58 degrees. (My dad went stupid and shut off the heater due to drywall dust...he cleaned it up, but still won't reactivate the heater. MORON.)
Seven. I don't work tomorrow and get to hang out with Sam...and maybe I will just bring my hampster home anyway, because I want to. And I will actually take care of her, which is the main reason my parents don't want her home, they think I will make them feed her etc.
Eight. I have decided that, with my next paycheck, I'm spoiling myself and doing something cool with my hair. Thought you may not care to know hehe.
Nine. I'm starting to write a book again...weird huh.
I can't come up with anything else...
Oh, here we go.
Ten. I'm dating Samuel Tooley. That just sort of makes my day every day. I love it.
Alright, goodnight for now, because I don't feel like being entertaining anymore.
LOVE AND FUZZIES!!!
-Nessa-

Two left feet and extra baggage in tow.

Something about the combination of Coldplay and reading Cosette's literary masterpieces she deigns to call blogs gets me in a thinking mood.
Oh not to mention I was looking around on Mike's mother's blog, as I usually do, more to entertain myself than anything. Am I the only one who thinks I'm a little weird and creepy that I still look at my ex's mum's blog? Didn't think so....
Anyway, just a couple things.
For one, Cosette posted a blog about all her wishes. I read that one rather thoroughly, and, at times, with great amusement. I agreed with her on a lot of her wishes (Worms having wings? Come now, that's just totally awesome), and am now considering making my own wish list. I doubt I'll get around to it.
I wish I was more motivated.
Hey, it's a start right?
I've also decided to quit double spacing between my paragraphs and random sentences (reference above). So no more of that.
But in reference to Cosette and Mike's mother, two of their blogs sort of meshed into one thing for me.
In Cosette's she was talking about her guitar talents. I've watched her progress in guitar, and really, it's like one day she was twanging happily away playing Yankee Doodle or something, and the next I walk in and she's doing the solo from Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Okay, I'm exaggerating.
But only slightly.
Mike's mom was talking about where she though she would be when she was thirty years old, and where she has ended up, as she gets closer to forty. She wasn't as rich and well traveled as she had hoped, and figured her life for something rather dull, and seemed in desperate need of a hobby.
The combination of these two things got my brain wheels turning, even late at night, and I began, as I usually do, to feel slightly dissatisfied with my life, even at just age 17. (I accidentally typed 91 right there my first try and was quite suddenly very lost, saying "Umm. What the fuck, where did my life go...)
Anywho.
So, I don't have thirty years to look back on and reconsider, but I'm pretty sure I've got enough to evaluate rather thoroughly.
I didn't graduate.
I didn't turn into the girl I wanted to be when I was twelve.
I have a lot of regrets, no matter how hard I try to pick up on Sam's personal motto and not regret anything.
I haven't accomplished much, and even though I *thankfully* have plenty of time left to make something of myself, I can't help but be disappointed as I look back and see where I screwed up and see how easy it might have been to just avoid such failures altogether.
I didn't have to cut class every day to see my boyfriend. I didn't have to choose to start hanging out with the wrong people. I didn't have to lower my standards. I didn't have to lose some of my dreams. I didn't have to turn into the girl no one wants their kids around. (This pertains mostly to my neighborhood really..)
At this point I have to turn around my pity party and say that, even while it feels like I have lost so much more than I have gained, I have still gained a lot.
I didn't do well in school. But I swear to God, every second I spent at Angelique's house, with Preston, and/or Quinton, every class I cut with Mike and Alex to go bum around American Fork, I wouldn't give up those memories for the world.
I guess I lost out in school, but gained a lot of friends and memories and experiences that are still valuable to me.
Too bad society cannot seem to put a price on the value of education, or I'd be feeling a lot better right about now.
And then, at the end of this thought process that took, in all reality, all of maybe five or ten minutes, a completely random and unrelated piece of my yesterday came to mind.
I was leaning against Sam while he sat on a barstool near the counter, and he quite suddenly pulls back and asks me if I want to learn how to salsa dance.
Let's hear it for the randomness of my boyfriend.
If you can't see how this ties in, I'll share momentarily.
It's something to do with my life. Something to get accomplished. And also, unfortunately, something I don't think I can do with Sam.
I am not sure I have ever said this before, but I am deathly terrified of making a fool of myself in front of him. And of him realizing that I'm really not that great, I'm really not that talented, and in the end, I'm just an average girl with her usual quirks.
Whether or not you agree with this, that is almost exactly how my brain goes. I've had this complex since the first day I met him. Okay, started dating him, because those days may as well be the same. I pretty much had no clue who he was till thn.
He's talented, smart, funny, good looking...yes, my view is entirely biased, but I think I can accurately say he at least fits relatively well into all or most of those categories.
And he graduated against all odds.
I feel really second to him accomplishment wise. Which is why, no matter how bad I want to, or how much I'd love to, I couldn't do something like learn to dance with him.
For one, dancing requires a minimal *snort* amount of grace, none of which I seem to possess in the slightest.
For God's sake, I trip over my pajama pants walking up the stairs, what makes you think I can sway around in high heels and a dress and make it look good?
Secondly, I just have my inferiority complex.
It's sad. I wish I was more outgoing and self confidant.
I think I should start working on that. That could very well end up being my belated New Year's Resolution. I think I sort of need one.
Kendall...wait. I've never mentioned my brother on here before. Lemme grab a picture from somewhere.

The one with him and my Sammie as a tiny kitten is when he came out from his base in California over summer. He's a Marine. The other one is him before the Marines. He cries about the loss of his hair on a regular basis. He was such a hippie...
Okay, so the other day, Kendall started texting me, which I suppose could be thought of as relatively unusual, he is usually pretty busy on base, and we don't talk much. But he was asking me about school, and saying that I should start putting budget plans together for moving out, and seriously look into getting a car. I already knew most of this, and emphasized that my real problem was getting another job that could enable me to get enough money to accomplish these ideals.
But there's another thing.
I really need to kick my ass in gear and look toward the future. I live in the present too much, and maybe that needs to change before I can. For me it's all about the fun and the good times, and the next little misdeed I'll successfully pull off.
I have serious issues with growing up.
Well there you go. I'm sure I've talked too long, as I always do, so goodnight to you all, and sweet dreams.
I have a doctors appointment at eleven. Good thing I took a nap after I got home from work tonight.
XO.
-Nessa-
P.S. I love Sam.

Quarantine and Tattoos. Not necessarily in that order.

Today was unremarkable, unimportant, and in all other senses completely insignificant, but it's at times like these that I find myself most wanting to blog. When I say times like these I mean at one am after my computer has decided that I've watched enough Family Guy to accurately dream up my own episodes.

I guess today sort of became a figurative snowball. A few small little things bunched into one that made it minorly interesting.

Most important point of reference.

Samuel Tooley's recent aquisition of a tattoo.

Now, when your boyfriend texts you and goes "So I'm being stupid and irrational", and this boyfriend is Sam, your brain instantly goes into overdrive trying to absorb the vast quantities of idiotic things he could have decided to do.

I was immediately drawn to the memory of him saying he wanted to buy a Mac on a payment plan...but really I couldn't come up with anything too extraordinary.

This proceeded to confuse me, because I should not have been in the least bit suprised when he went on to announce that he was currently in the process of finalizing getting his nautical stars along his left side.

I still can't really figure out exactly WHY I sort of freaked out inside.

I don't know, maybe I thought it was a stupid idea, and I sort of wanted to be there, the process of tattooing interests me, but the damn people don't even let kids under 18 WATCH...stupid lame personages.

ANYWHO.

It turned out quite sexy. I do belive I shall upload a picture.

I'm really shocked that I like it, to be honest. I didn't figure myself for a tattoo-liking type person.

Sidenote: I am now, of course, seriously considering getting a tattoo myself. I'll be sure to let you know how that goes. I had myself almost totally convinced to not get one, now I'm right back where I started lol. I blame the sexy boy.

Second minorly interesting part of my day was Megan calling me and saying that she and Jerremy had pretty much broken up over something stupid and immature..unfortunately I can't give details on her private life, I made that mistake once and don't intend to do it again.

Now, I have to do this part of my blog because I told Cameron I would.

I would like to mention the movie Quarantine.

I hope I don't totally scare myself into not being able to sleep for the remainder of tonight by talking about that worthless, pointless movie.

So, quick summary.

A disease that is akin to rabies infects the residents of an apartment building. Said building is quarantined, and everyone is told that said residents were evacuated when in all actuality they are still in the building slowly being turned into zombies or otherwise killed and eaten by them.

The movie is shot from the perspective of a camera man, who, with his reporter colleague, went to the building to shadow some firefighters at work for a television segment.

I am pretty damn sure it's safe to say that movie was THE most disturbing scary movie I have so far made it through. I don't count Repo because it was disgusting and I barely made it through twenty minutes, and I don't count Saw 5 because I left at the end after a guy started getting crushed between a couple of walls.

Of course, as is typical with most movies in the zombie infestation genre, everyone dies. Sorry to spoil the ending, cuz it's not worth the paranoia and terror you have to endure getting there.

No joke, I was at the apartment like looking down the halls thinking something was going to come eat me. I deadbolted the front door and wouldn't let go of Sam for the majority of the movie. When I say majority it's because he started jumping so bad that at one point he had involontarily hopped about halfway down the hallway swearing profusely. I count myself lucky that I wasn't looking at the screen to see what scared him so bad, because I have NEVER seen him jump like that before.

Cameron, who seems to be one of those few who are utterly desensitized toward frightning, gory and disgusting movies of this sort, was either annoyed by our inability to sit still and watch, or utterly amused at how scared we were.
I felt bad for him, because once the old woman took a chunk out of the policeman's neck and ran away screaming and slavering only to be shot three times, me and Sam quit the couch and proceeded to pace the main living room and kitchen, eating food, swearing, and fighting over who could hide behind who most of the time. I won that one.

I didn't think it was safe for me to remain on Sam's lap anyway, my earlier description of how crazy jumpy he gets isn't an exaggeration. It's like a seizure. He flails like a scared bunny. No joke. So here I apologize to Cam for being restless and unable to sit relatively still through two hours of terror.

I think once the third or fourth zombie came into being I started spending most of my time behind Sam, pinned up against a wall with my face buried in his back, staring down the hallway, repeating that helpful mantra of "It's just a movie..it's just a movie.."

I'm pretty sure I got up to make Top Ramen at least eighteen times before I actually did it.. movies like that have such a morbid curiosity pull...

I mean, most zombie movies don't go to the trouble of explaining exactly how the infestation began, usually it's just "Rawr! I want to eat your brains!" *Moangrumblemoan* Everyone's dead.

This movie gives you a brief backround near the end, and a small medical understanding around the middle. Like I said, it's some bizzare accelerated form of human rabies. It starts with an infected dog belonging to a family of three containing a little girl. I'm not sure how it gets to the reclusive old woman on the top floor, but I'm led to presume it was through the rats...

Speaking of little girl, I think that was the scariest part of the movie.

She is sick in the beginning, and is interviewed by the two mainish characters, Mr. Hidden 90% of the movie Cameraman and little Miss. Aspiring Camerawoman.

She gets the sickness due to exposure to the dog, and by the time it manifests itself, half the people are zombiefied. She is in her mothers arms, and suddenly starts trying to rip her throat out.

When Sam later decided to playfully reinact that moment on me, I totally freaked and punched him. He should probably be grateful he didn't have his tattoo just last night, or I might have actually hurt him.

Nessa+zombies=HELLZFUCKINGNO.

I got scared of Scooby Doo on Zombie Island, Jurassic Park (The part in the beginning when the black guy gets ripped to shreds by the velociraptor in the cage), and Beauty and the Beast Christmas version. (There was an evil organ, it gave me nightmares....that was the most malicious musical instrument...stuff like that shouldn't be in little kid movies.)

Anyway, now that we have ascertained that Nessa is a total chicken...

You people just don't understand how psychologically BAD it is for me to watch those movies.

After Quarantine, I was home alone all day, and spent most of it looking over my shoulder, looking behind me as I walked up stairs, avoiding the basement, and sitting in a corner of my room with my laptop eyeing the door.

Uuber not happy. My psyche is going to be pretty fucked for the next week. I was almost cured, but then I had to post this damn blog and I am right back to that state of sick paranoia I was in last night.

Course my image search for the move cover didn't help. Wouldn't you know it right up with a zombie face. Joy. Can you say hoofuckingray for nightmares.

This just in: Jorden had to turn off the movie, he was brave enough to attempt watching it tonight, and he couldn't make it through. Although if no one was up I can understand exactly why he turned it off.

It was me, Sam and Cam with the kitchen light on, and I was still freaking out.

Alone at night in a dark apartment with no one to hide behind...I wouldn't have even considered turning it on.

Hollywood horror strikes again.

Goodnight my loves.

Sweet, sweet screams.

-Nessa-

Thanks all around. Friends rule.

In the spirit of sorriness, I think that I'll just run around dedicating different things to different people, most of whom I think won't ever read this, much less even know that I have a blog on which to mention them.

Who first...
I think a comment in the direction of Alexander Miner is in order.
Alex: So, you and I are seeing quite a bit of eachother. You have only recently left your phone over here in one of your recent illegal forrays into my house to entertain me. I have since pillages said phone, so I'm sorry for that.
No really, I would like to say thank you. You kept me company right after I got home from the doctor, and the other day when I was being a serious grumpy bitch about life you just talked to me and made me stop thinking about my mouth for a second. Except when you made me laugh and it hurt again. =)

Spencer Hansen: There isn't too much to say here..I don't see you..but I would like to say thank you for tolerating me in my moodiness toward seeing you. At least I assume you tolerate me. One day your just going to come to your senses and text me to tell me to grow up, get a life, and never speak to you again.
Until which time, I adore you lol.

5 Buckians: Mike. Thank you for being so hilarious. You have no idea how much I need your humor sometimes. And today, with my mouth throwing a tantrum and trying to melt my face, I needed it more than ever.
Kayleanne: Your pretty awesome, if not a bit gabby, but oddly I find that an indearing quality in you, whereas I find it annoying in other people. (Not naming names here.) You make for great company, with all your random stories. I quite like working with you.
Justin: You utterly confuse me. We had a fling, you flung with Megan, your flinging at Kayleanne, and you are, all in all, an alcoholic bundle of random comments who's main pursuit in life is to be A: Quite good looking and B: Randomly VERY conversational. You keep me awake at work, and I find your constant refrain of 'homohomohomo' in my direction amusing, if not slightly degrading in an amusing sort of way...
Zack: Ah, Hercules, as Sam has so adequately nicknamed you. If it weren't for your technological genius I would have missed out on some fun times online with you around. Also, thank you for letting me steal your little electronic reader to amuse myself and leave you to your delivery driving, I love reading random books while your gone. And the introduction to the Gummy Bear song. I would be lost without that. Your funny, sweet and kind, and so very much fun to have money bag-stealing wars with. No more scaring me though. My heart has had quite enough. And my vocal cords are getting strained from screaming.
The rest of you, being Chrisi, Cody, Sky, Ted.....: Ted, your effing hilarious. Cody, you and your nerdiness confuse me. Chrisi, chill out, and your cool when your in a good mood. Sky....uh....Grow some hair, lose some weight, take anger management, buy yourself a shock collar so you don't talk so loud, and wear a XXXL hula hoop around yourself to learn how to respect other's personal space. Just because you like examining our well plucked eyebrows does not mean we are in turn using your balding head as a spare portable mirror.

Alyse: I've said a lot to you as far as loving you to death. You already know I'm so lovey in your direction it's past the point of retarded, so I won't bore you with these sappy, insignificant details. Instead I would like to thank you for being my wonderful tell all, my best surrogate little sister, the most wonderful, loyal, and trustworthy friend a girl could ask for, and a deep conversationalist.
Your smart, fun loving, and, as I've noticed, enjoy taking risks as much as the next person, which shows a healthy, if not somewhat life endangering, curiosity toward life. =) Your sensible, thank God, and very mature, as you've heard before.
My little bundle of 'Lysie, you are what keeps my head on straight. Your who I call when I'm crying and my world is falling apart, your who I spam when something is going great in my life. Your also a huge connection to my past, in very many ways, most of which I'm sure you yourself could recognize and list.
So I love you. Thank you for being exactly who you are, and changing each and every day to make yourself better and better...and better. =)

Jorden: I owe you a rib-crushing hug...for one because I trust you..and I have serious issues with that. For two, letting me rant to you late at night about how I don't know what to do at Sam. For three because you have yet to tell me to shut up about Sam. And for four, for walking straight into my life, sitting down on my couch of friendship, putting your feet up, tilting your hat, and hanging out for a while. Your witty, kind, sensitive, level-headed, and amusing. You know when to be serious, and when to have fun. And when to mix the two.
This is all your fault of course, but I've come to think of you as my brother, and when I don't see you I end up thinking of you as such.
I'm always going to remember two things about you. One: The first night we had our huge friendship-making discussion..and when you let me totally break down in 5 Buck on your shoulder. I don't think I could have cried like that if it had been anyone else, and God knows I needed to just sort of freak out for a second.
And you did just what I needed. Hugged me. Hugged me, and encouraged me.
Thank you for caring for me, and my friends, my very uuber close friends. Thank you for being so very you. Cuz I wouldn't dream of having you any other way.

Deena/Cameron: As a joint thanks, you've both been great friends, offered advice that I have taken into my life and used on more than one occasion, and you are both people I look up to and very much respect, not only for what you've been through, but what you stand for and who you are. Thank you for being kind to me. I appreciate it more than you know.
And Deena, that night Sam and I got in trouble..the stories you told me really helped me feel better. And I needed that.
Cam. God, please keep being funny. I live for the next maiden voyage of the ice cubes, I do. =)

Megan: This one is sort of tough. We've been friend for...maybe four or five years? I can never remember exactly what grade it was I met you in. Either way, those years have been filled with friendship, fun, utter hatred for a bit there, but we came out of that, and it's been so much fun. Even if we aren't as close, even though we don't see each other at all anymore, you still call to talk, and you haven't TOTALLY given up on me, like some other people.
Thank you for being my big sister, and my mother on occasion, but mostly just an awesome best friend. A very perseverant one.

Angelique: You called me today, bringing back old memories that I had long since forgotten and left to gather dust. I remembered what a great time we used to have together. Thank you for everything you've done for me, and to me (TOTALLY KIDDING), and really for just helping make one of the best summers of my life. <3

I'm not sure that I should do one for Sam. I'm scared of how unabashadly in love and eloquently obsessed I'm going to sound.
Oh well.
Samuel Edgar Tooley.
I love you doesn't cover it, your amazing doesn't do you justice, your wonderful is and understatement, your sexy is almost an insult, and your so perfect for me it makes me cry when I go home and think about what a great day we just had together.
We are having our uuber rough patch. And getting through it. The first night you came and talked to my parents you said something.
That right then, everything inside you was screaming "Sam, run, run away from this."
But you stood there, in front of me, and told me you were staying.
And you asked me if I trusted you.
Of course I said yes.

I was more terrified of losing you in that moment..and more in love with you than ever before. Because you made me feel like, even with all this torture and drama, I was worth it. I was worth loving.
By the way. One of my favorite moments with you was today. When we just sat on your bed and played, teased eachother, and laughed, said I love you so much it was ridiculous, and cuddled together, just looking at each other. I love the way you smile, especially when your really smiling, I love the way you look when you sleep. I love how silly you are, and I love how mature you can be. I love that you can protect me, and that you can still let me, be me. I love that you trust me, and that I can trust you. I love you from the bottom of your checkered Vans to the top of your messy, streaked hair. I love when you kiss me on the forehead. I love that you can't sleep in on Saturdays. I love that you have ADD and are so beyond hyper sometimes. I love your creativity. I love how smart you are.
And I love the way you look at me when you think I'm sleeping.

(I told you I'd get carried away.)

Thank you for being with me these past seven months, as of this very early morning. Thank you for being my one, my only, my love, my baby, my boyfriend. Thank you. I love you. I do. And I want to keep loving you for as long as is humanly possible. Then longer than that.

Okay, I think I'm going to cut myself short at three am, and take more pills and consider my mattress for a bit before deciding the couch would be more comfortable. Then going to sleep in my bed.

Goodnight chickadees.
-Nessa-

I thought you may get a minor kick out of this.

Hey lookie. It's my chipmunkish face.

You can't really tell that well... but my cheeks are amusingly swollen. No...no, you can tell. The more I look at that the puffier my face seems to get.

MUCH LOVE AND FUZZY THINGS!!

-Nessa-

Wisdom teeth.

Love Quote of the Day: Love is like PMS; natural, irrational, and very important". Lisa Hoffman

...that's interesting...best I could find though.
Anyway. ONWARD TO BLOG!!!!!
*screams this enthusiastically then clutches at jaw in discomfort*
"Damn..effing...teeth..."

I wonder what God's thought process was on widom teeth. "Hmm, I think I am going to give the vast majority of the population an extra four teeth that will later grow in at a bizzare angle and cost them about one thousand dollars give or take in removal and treatment costs? Sounds like a wonderful idea!"
No, really though, I don't get it. I know some people don't have to get them taken out, they have nice big mouths, and others just plain never get them, like Deena (so far), but, like I said, they really are just a pain for the rest of us unluckies.

So they knocked me out for the procedure, right? One second the doctor was messing with the IV in my arm and telling me he was injecting medecine, I blinked a few times, and then I can't remember anything.
And then an hour later I wake up and try to text Sam, because he said he wanted me too.
The only, the ONLY reason I can understand what I sent to him was because I SENT IT.
NO joke. This was the first thing I said.

Me: I' kie cryingmmmmmi wanrted to wake yoir hadddds I'm nine but yourl gonewhere are youwnt you wuthke.

That's like a complete word-for-word quote.
Here's what it was supposed to say.

I'm crying I wanted to wake up with your hand in mine but your gone where are you I want you with me.

I was pretty damn far off the real english language. And I continued having severe spelling issues for the rest of the following hour. I copied down that conversation just because it is so unbelieveably funny how I am talking, and misspelling things.

Now, the doctor prescribed me Perciset, Ibuprofen, and Ammoxicylin.
Perciset: Fun uuber pain med.
Ibuprofen: Basic pain med
Ammoxicylin: Keeps my mouth from getting infected.

Perciset...is a medicine from God. My mouth suddenly freaked out and started hurting so much I was bordering on tears. I took one of those, and just a teeny bit later, my mouth was back to being as normal as it could.
Considering I have stitches and only until recently I could not otherwise feel my chin or entire bottom lip. Now it's just the right side that's still numb. I think I've bitten my lip more times today than in all my years of living combined.
Really annoying, that accidental self cannibalism...

So I got home, proceeded to lie around be excusably lazy, get waited on by mum...Then Alex called me and came over to see me for a while. While we were talking I was fascinated at how utterly pale I was in the mirror over his shoulder, and realized I should probably get around to putting some gauze back in my mouth, considering it was bleeding in a very not happy fashion.
Alex ended up picking me up off the couch and carrying me upstairs to my bed, where he proceeded to play guitar for me, and then had to run away to band practice.
Not withholding one of his five minute hugs. He had to forgo the rib crushing, I already hurt in other places quite enough not to need bruises.

As I lay upstairs in bed, my eyes slowly drifting shut, I kept waking up due to a fluxuating but constant increase in heart rate. Five guesses why.
We had men coming over to do the drywall in our basement, furthering the completion of our amazing home theater system, and the door was opening and closing, the doorbell was ringing...you get the picture.
But here's what my brain was doing.

"Mmm. I'm sleepy...*driftdriftdrift*"
Door opens. Mom talks.
"Was that Sam? Is he here? No..that's not him..awww...*driftdriftdrift*"
More talking.
Drills and banging ensue
*almost asleep*
Door quietly opens. Mom talking downstairs.
"I think she is sleeping.."
Wake up. Sam's here.

It was really funny. I ended up falling asleep in his lap over and over again, just nodding off and then waking up to make sure he hadn't left me. Of course he hadn't.
He kept telling me how cute I looked while I slept, and all I could really do was feel stupid because I would wake up and talk to him, and he would ask if I was tired, and I would say no then be asleep again in seconds.
He finally just started laughing at me every time my eyes started to flutter and close.

I didn't mind though.
The look he gets on his face when he watches me sleep is worth any amount of teasing.

So he came and took care of me for a couple hours, during which I thoroughly enjoyed eating the four flavor ice cream he got me from Coldstone, and just had fun being slightly drugged and out of it.
It's rather lame, he made me promise to go to bed at 11:30. Saddest part is I don't think my body will let me disobey. I'm more tired than I have been in ages.

But having stitches in your mouth, and not being able to suck on things, and having to worry about a wide range of complications such as a dry socket, nasal cavities, and other infections... it's really just a pain.

Which leads me to my original question. Why did God invent wisdom teeth?
Maybe he did it for girls like me who adore their boyfriends fawning over them protectively on occasion.
After all, I do think it's totally adorable.

So there's my day, all fluffy and stuff.
Anesthesia is one hell of a drug.
Much love!!

Btw, I'm too in love with you.

This will be ridiculously short and simple.
It will also contain a youtube video.
Well, link to said youtube video anyway.

Quick explanation: I love my boyfriend.
'Nuff said.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ht14ZX5a3Hs&feature=related

Oh, and nevermind the uuber cuteness factor of the ENTIRE movie..
I love Pon and Zee. They iz so adorable lol.
Enjoy.

-Nessa-

Please don't bother reading this...

I'm getting depressed in this one. Please don't trouble yourself unless you really don't have anything to be doing. Then go ahead and kill a few minutes by listening to me angst at three or four am.
You are forewarned.

Starting on Saturday night/Sunday morning.
5 am - I finally drift off to sleep.
9 am - Mom tries to wake me up.
9:05 am - I decide I'm not going to church.
9:40 - Alex Miner shows up at my doorstep, annoys me awake, and kinaps me away to his house to feed me, erstwhile listening to me tick off why my morning has thus far utterly sucked.
12:40 or 1:00 pm - I come hope and fall back asleep, having only had four hours and my body only just deciding to realize that.
2:40 pm - Next door neighbors come over and I, thinking it's my cousins, wake up and discover I've wasted my time. So I just stay awake until my cousins come, play with my adorable relative Dillan, who is three, until 8 when they go home.
8:11 pm - I find out Sam forgot to come see me.
8:14 pm - I get genuinely and bizzarely, inexplicably upset about this fact.
8:40 pm - I fall back asleep for the third time today.
10:04 pm - I wake up, and read three texts from Sam, Alyse, and Mike. Sam says he loves me, Alyse says she got her mum's phone for the night, and Mike is angsting because he thinks I'm ignoring him. I answer Alyse and Mike in a preoccupied fashion.
11:15 pm - I fall back asleep after much tossing and turning.
2:43 am - I wake up again. This time I couldn't fall back asleep.

I looked over those texts. I told Mike I wasn't ignoring him. Then I didn't answer and fell back asleep. I was really short with Alyse and she said she would just leave me alone to sleep, so I feel really bad.
Worse of all I didn't tell Sam I loved him back when he texted me originally. I felt the worst about that. So I quickly remedied that fact, and made myself feel a little less sick inside.

And then I decided to show you what my day has been like. Kind of pointless in a weird, 'this is so totally Sunday' sort of way.

I really don't like being an emotional burden, but I haven't felt good since Saturday night, and when I say that, I mean, Saturday night found me sitting curled up on the shower floor trying to decide if I was upset enough to cry or not for hours.
I think I was really in there for about an hour and a half...
After I got out I just told myself, 'Ok, Nessa, no more being upset. Stop angsting about life's currently annoying situation."
That...didn't work. I tried to go to bed around 3:50. I didn't actually drift off until around 5, because I remember checking the clock around 4:30, and it usually takes a person about twenty minutes to actually fall asleep.
Then when I woke up Sunday morning, for no reason whatsoever, I felt totally awful. This feeling used to be fleeting, or it was since last Saturday when my world 'sploded. It's just been getting worse and more constant as the days proceed.
I knew I wasn't seeing Sam that day, which really just made it one whole hell of a lot worse to wake up; I miss seeing him all the time, and it's so unbelievably hard for me to adjust, I don't understand. I knew I wasn't seeing Alyse. Uuber sucky first two thoughts to have when you wake up. No boyfriend, no best friend, my happy life schedule just fucked itself.
So I rolled over, curled into at least four pillows (I like keeping my life a little fluffy), and forced myself back into the resistant black of sleep.
At least that was my intention until my phone went off with the opening chords of 'Jesus Christ' by Brand New. (Good song, despite the name. Which has almost nothing to do with the song.)
My wonderful friend Alex Miner, unerringly Asian in his unpredictable ways, had shown up on my front doorstep under the pretense of waking me.
Truth be told, he's still in love with me.

Pause in the extremely boring story line. Alex and I have been friends for four years. He has been in love with me for about three of those, until I finally just paper shredded his heart when I picked his best friend Mike as my next tasty bit of dating candy. (What the fuck is with that analogy...God I'm weird..)
Very long and dramatic story short; He tried to run away, I effectively stopped him and froze off all my extremities off in the process, and he has, ever since then, kept any feelings for me totally locked away, except for when he hugs me.
We are talking like these four minute, rib-health endangering hugs.

Another thing about me and Alex. We go through phases. We won't talk hardly at all for months. Then, randomly, he will call me, guilt trip me about not talking to him, and three weeks later we don't go a day without seeing one another or talking on the phone. Then stuff gets out of hand, and we stop talking again.
When I say out of hand, I mean that I deem in necessary to distance myself from him because he starts getting pulled into me again.
I once tried to make him explain why he, and Mike also, don't ever really seem like they are going to get over me. He said it's because I'm not like other girls. I'm different.
For any female that's like the most awful answer ever, because once you hear it, you are just dying to grill whatever guy is unlucky enough to have said that for all the insignificant details on just what exactly makes you so different.

Resume boring story line.
So, now that we have established that Alex and are currently on the escalating stage of our relationship, I can continue.
He came over, spammed the hell out of my doorbell, and when I answered, all but picked me up off the ground and carried me to his car. He said he was going to feed me, because I don't eat anymore.
Thus we see, I end up at his house for the next couple hours.
A very weird next couple of hours.

Anyway...

I really don't know why I'm telling you this. I'm sorry....

I don't want to relate the rest of my day to you, because it gets even more uninteresting than it already has. This has got to be some of my worst writing ever. I guess I'm blogging because I'm lonely, and sick and upset, and just don't know what I'm doing.

That was the theme for my Saturday night/Sunday morning sojourn in the shower.
"Who am I? What have I become? Why can I not be as happy as I was? Am I who I wanted to be?"
No, I'm not who I wanted to be. I don't know who I am. I have become someone that I don't recognize, someone I put clothes on, someone I do make up for, someone I don't see as me. This depersonalization has, funnily enough, happened over the past week.

Story time: Remember the 'Repo' incident? That movie Sam really liked that I thought was disgusting? Well, quick run back to that. Sam said that he didn't realize just how sick that movie was until he turned it off and thought about it.
End story.

I think that is what has happened with my relationship with Sam. It has, since last Saturday, taken a very different turn. I haven't seen him even a fraction of the time that I am used to seeing him, and with all that spare time slipping through my hands like sand, I have snatched a couple grains out of the stream to spend my time thinking with.
Like Repo, I didn't stop to think about me and Sam until I pretty much had no other choice.
And then my goddamn brain went off asking me "Were you really happy?" I answered, firmly, "Yes, these past six months have been the happiest I've ever had." Then it asked me again. "Were you really happy?" There was a connotation to that one.
It wasn't asking if I was happy. It was asking if what I was doing made me happy.

Yes, I was happy with Sam. Utterly and completely. I still am, in a discontent, I never see you anymore sort of way. But as that worthless letter so happily stated, the stuff I was doing wasn't so great.
Best part? I still find myself struggling to say I don't care. That I could go back to what I was doing and go back to being as happy as I was. I want to believe that so bad. But for the life of me, I cannot say if it is true or not.

I miss him. I miss him terribly. And I think I would give whatever necessary to put everything right back where it used to be. But my damnably logical brain keeps letting me know that no amount of crying and begging and wishing and wanting will make that happen.
So now I'm left with these puzzle pieces of the relationship I had with him. And puzzle pieces they are. At the top they all join together and form a wonderful, happy, blissful picture. Yet, look down at the bottom of my picture.
There are gaps, and missing pieces, the picture fades.

I just....I have no idea.
I just. I just nothing.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of trying to be determined and optomistic for the future. I think I'm going to do some utterly selfish wallowing-in-my-own-self-pity.

And God knows I've got the time to do it.
Apoligies.
I did warn you not to read this.
All my love, waved vacantly in your direction.
-Nessa-

I seriously couldn't tell you. Randoms?

I am listening to a song called Bodhisattva Cathedral. It's from the Hellsing anime..I don't know if any of you know what that is. Probably Jorden lol.
The beginning of it is really pretty, it reminds me very strongly of Pan's Labyrinth. That movie kind of seriously freaked me out...like you have absolutely no idea..And I do rather intend to add it to my miniscule movie collection at some point during my miserable life.
That's just me being dramatic by the way..
Next song: Jimmy Eat World-The World You Love.
I have heard this song over the course of threeish years of my life, and one line of it has stood out and made the song become one of my absolute favorites of all time.
"I fall asleep with my friends around me, the only place I feel safe. I'm gonna call this home."

And this particular lyric has never meant more to me than it has in the past few months. I have spent the night at the apartment countless time, literally surrounded by friends every time I did it. Alyse, Jorden, Deena, Sam, Cameron, even Joe on one occasion.
Fun fact for you: Do you know how Jimmy Eat World got their name? Well, when the lead singer was younger, he was overweight, and one day his little brother came into his room with a picture of Jimmy, the lead singer, next to a world. At the bottom were the childishly scribbled words "Jimmy eats world."
And thus we see.
Jimmy Eat World.

Songs I can't listen to without hurting inside for whatever reason:
Chasing Cars: Snow Patrol
The Way We Talk: The Maine
I Knew I Loved You: Savage Garden
I Think We're Alone Now: The Click Five
Dry Your Eyes Mate: The Streets
Wish You Were Here: Pink Floyd
Dark Blue: Jack's Mannequin
Take A Bow: The Muse
Wires: Athlete
The Nurse Who Loved Me: A Perfect Circle
Same Blood: The Academy Is...
Psycho: Puddle Of Mudd
Always, All Ways (Apologies, Glances, and Messed Up Chances): Lostprophets
Come On, Get Higher/Still: Matt Nathanson
History/Drive: Funeral For A Friend
Lollipop: Lil' Wayne
Oh and basically anything off off 'The Con' album by Tegan and Sarah.
There's a lot more, and I will most likely return and add to this list, although I'm sure no one is going to bother double checking.

Hooray for music trivia, yes?

Ummm..other random stuff about me...
I eat lettuce like a rabbit and will not touch cheese-covered broccoli with a thirty foot pole...
I love photography.
I look prettier without make-up.
I'm so scared to mess up when trying new things I avoid new things altogether.
I can't tan. I only burn.
I want to be Catholic. (That idea is still under revision)
I'm adopted...you probably already knew that one...
I have no secret that I haven't shared with someone.

The one thing I want more than anything: To have a little girl as my first child. With dark hair, and deep eyes. And I want her first word to be 'Daddy.'

Stuff you didn't want/care about knowing about me:
I have probably lied to you at some point during our relationship, whatever that status is.
I will happily eat asparagus and artichokes.
I can't eat jello without almost getting sick.
I'm that girl who saves her gum for later.

Things I wish for on a more or less daily basis:
Longer hair
That I woke up earlier
That my mom/dad (either or) would get in a tragic car crash and leave me alone. JK
It was warmer/colder, depending on the weather.
That I had a car
That cat's could talk. (Ima freak, I know.)
That I wasn't who I grew up to be.

I can't think of any other random things to tell you at the moment. I also have church in seven hours. Or at least that's when I will be waking up to get ready for said religious gathering. And the lamest part is I don't get to see Alyse at church, or Sam afterwards.
Tomorrow should be fun!
Jk

Oh! My quote!
Okay, here it is.

Something to Ponder: "When I erase a word with a pencil where does it go? "

Pretty awesome, huh? There's tonight/today's thinker.
Sleep well my chicadees.
Hearts and fuzzies
Nessa