Two left feet and extra baggage in tow.

Something about the combination of Coldplay and reading Cosette's literary masterpieces she deigns to call blogs gets me in a thinking mood.
Oh not to mention I was looking around on Mike's mother's blog, as I usually do, more to entertain myself than anything. Am I the only one who thinks I'm a little weird and creepy that I still look at my ex's mum's blog? Didn't think so....
Anyway, just a couple things.
For one, Cosette posted a blog about all her wishes. I read that one rather thoroughly, and, at times, with great amusement. I agreed with her on a lot of her wishes (Worms having wings? Come now, that's just totally awesome), and am now considering making my own wish list. I doubt I'll get around to it.
I wish I was more motivated.
Hey, it's a start right?
I've also decided to quit double spacing between my paragraphs and random sentences (reference above). So no more of that.
But in reference to Cosette and Mike's mother, two of their blogs sort of meshed into one thing for me.
In Cosette's she was talking about her guitar talents. I've watched her progress in guitar, and really, it's like one day she was twanging happily away playing Yankee Doodle or something, and the next I walk in and she's doing the solo from Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Okay, I'm exaggerating.
But only slightly.
Mike's mom was talking about where she though she would be when she was thirty years old, and where she has ended up, as she gets closer to forty. She wasn't as rich and well traveled as she had hoped, and figured her life for something rather dull, and seemed in desperate need of a hobby.
The combination of these two things got my brain wheels turning, even late at night, and I began, as I usually do, to feel slightly dissatisfied with my life, even at just age 17. (I accidentally typed 91 right there my first try and was quite suddenly very lost, saying "Umm. What the fuck, where did my life go...)
Anywho.
So, I don't have thirty years to look back on and reconsider, but I'm pretty sure I've got enough to evaluate rather thoroughly.
I didn't graduate.
I didn't turn into the girl I wanted to be when I was twelve.
I have a lot of regrets, no matter how hard I try to pick up on Sam's personal motto and not regret anything.
I haven't accomplished much, and even though I *thankfully* have plenty of time left to make something of myself, I can't help but be disappointed as I look back and see where I screwed up and see how easy it might have been to just avoid such failures altogether.
I didn't have to cut class every day to see my boyfriend. I didn't have to choose to start hanging out with the wrong people. I didn't have to lower my standards. I didn't have to lose some of my dreams. I didn't have to turn into the girl no one wants their kids around. (This pertains mostly to my neighborhood really..)
At this point I have to turn around my pity party and say that, even while it feels like I have lost so much more than I have gained, I have still gained a lot.
I didn't do well in school. But I swear to God, every second I spent at Angelique's house, with Preston, and/or Quinton, every class I cut with Mike and Alex to go bum around American Fork, I wouldn't give up those memories for the world.
I guess I lost out in school, but gained a lot of friends and memories and experiences that are still valuable to me.
Too bad society cannot seem to put a price on the value of education, or I'd be feeling a lot better right about now.
And then, at the end of this thought process that took, in all reality, all of maybe five or ten minutes, a completely random and unrelated piece of my yesterday came to mind.
I was leaning against Sam while he sat on a barstool near the counter, and he quite suddenly pulls back and asks me if I want to learn how to salsa dance.
Let's hear it for the randomness of my boyfriend.
If you can't see how this ties in, I'll share momentarily.
It's something to do with my life. Something to get accomplished. And also, unfortunately, something I don't think I can do with Sam.
I am not sure I have ever said this before, but I am deathly terrified of making a fool of myself in front of him. And of him realizing that I'm really not that great, I'm really not that talented, and in the end, I'm just an average girl with her usual quirks.
Whether or not you agree with this, that is almost exactly how my brain goes. I've had this complex since the first day I met him. Okay, started dating him, because those days may as well be the same. I pretty much had no clue who he was till thn.
He's talented, smart, funny, good looking...yes, my view is entirely biased, but I think I can accurately say he at least fits relatively well into all or most of those categories.
And he graduated against all odds.
I feel really second to him accomplishment wise. Which is why, no matter how bad I want to, or how much I'd love to, I couldn't do something like learn to dance with him.
For one, dancing requires a minimal *snort* amount of grace, none of which I seem to possess in the slightest.
For God's sake, I trip over my pajama pants walking up the stairs, what makes you think I can sway around in high heels and a dress and make it look good?
Secondly, I just have my inferiority complex.
It's sad. I wish I was more outgoing and self confidant.
I think I should start working on that. That could very well end up being my belated New Year's Resolution. I think I sort of need one.
Kendall...wait. I've never mentioned my brother on here before. Lemme grab a picture from somewhere.

The one with him and my Sammie as a tiny kitten is when he came out from his base in California over summer. He's a Marine. The other one is him before the Marines. He cries about the loss of his hair on a regular basis. He was such a hippie...
Okay, so the other day, Kendall started texting me, which I suppose could be thought of as relatively unusual, he is usually pretty busy on base, and we don't talk much. But he was asking me about school, and saying that I should start putting budget plans together for moving out, and seriously look into getting a car. I already knew most of this, and emphasized that my real problem was getting another job that could enable me to get enough money to accomplish these ideals.
But there's another thing.
I really need to kick my ass in gear and look toward the future. I live in the present too much, and maybe that needs to change before I can. For me it's all about the fun and the good times, and the next little misdeed I'll successfully pull off.
I have serious issues with growing up.
Well there you go. I'm sure I've talked too long, as I always do, so goodnight to you all, and sweet dreams.
I have a doctors appointment at eleven. Good thing I took a nap after I got home from work tonight.
XO.
-Nessa-
P.S. I love Sam.