Belonging.

*I blame Jorden's blog about belonging in Julia's family on this one.*

So I got to thinking, as I usually do, even if I'm not an initially intelligent creature. I'd only just posted my most recent blog maybe thirty minutes ago, then sat back to text Alyse, Mike and Kevin, not really considering upon much of anything.
My brain proceeded to play Lightning Speed Association, and I found myself thinking all the way back to when I was dating Mike.

I guess I've never been great with adults. Okay, I straight up suck with them. Unless they are anything like Alyse's mom, I am scared of them, and find it almost impossible to relate to them, or hold any sort of decent, mutually entertaining conversation. I suppose my teenage wit is lost on them.
No, I'm really just a loser. =)
Whenever I get a new boyfriend, I am always terrified to meet his parents. I had been hardwired to avoid them, because they are the inflicters of punishment, and the ultimate dictators to my happiness. Only once have I ever found myself comfortable in the meet-boyfriends-parents situation, and that was when I was dating Preston.
His mother was a single mom most of the time I knew her, struggling to pay rent and feed 5 kids with an ex-husband who never paid a cent of child support. She knew I snuck over late at night and early in the morning, she knew Preston and I spent most of our time in his room, and she didn't mind. I guess she could have been too harried to care, but I never got the vibe that she disliked me.
Probably because I got her kid to quit smoking weed, drinking, and cutting all in one go.

With Brantley, who was before Preston...well, to put it quaintly, his mother scared me shitless.
She stared at me like I was Satan, bored holes in my back with here eyes (I still have the scars), and pretty much hated me after...after me and Brantley had our forced break up.
I guess that was because I quite thoroughly cut him out of his mother's apron strings.
Mike...He was different. He was my high school boyfriend I was dying to marry. And, while I got him to quit cutting and kept him mostly out of serious trouble, we did skip school together, and that's where it started. But even later, I still could never figure out his parents. Only until it was all over and his mother took me out to lunch did I truly understand what they (mostly his mother) thought of me.
Yes, I went out to lunch with her.
Aren't I brave lol.
I still remember the freak out I had after that. I guess having the idea that your a worthless loser of a girl who will never amount to anything, and is in no way good enough for dear Bonnie's son is rather wracking for ones nerves.
So after spending about seven months feeling happy and in love, and relatively secure in position as reasonably tolerated girlfriend by the overlord adults...I lost all hope in ever being able to find a situation in which I felt that I belonged on any level with a family other than my own. (Even in mine I have issues. Major ones.)
This held for Sam as well. I distinctly remember the first time he brought me home and introduced me. I was reduced to a scared six year old mentality, one that is expecting an imminent spanking. But they just looked me over, smiled, and were very polite.
They still had yet to form an opinion of me. And, I figured, sooner or later I'd find out what it was.
The future stayed bright. Then February rolled around.
Six months in, I lost another family. And this time it hurt even worse than with Mike. I mean, with Mike, it was his little brothers and him, maybe his grandparents that I worried about, not his parents. I could already tell (from many attempts to get me away from their kid) that they didn't like me one little bit, and with good reason, I'll give them that.
But I'll have you know that their son was ever bit as much a party to what we did as I was. So quit blaming only me, hehe.
Back to Sam and family losing.

So, with Sam's family, it went like this. I am friends with both of his sisters, one of which is very close to my age. I would be in her grade (I think) if I hadn't skipped a grade, and if I hadn't left school. The other is two or so years younger, and is in junior high. I love them both, and find them really funny and easy to get along with.
The night before my world exploded for the millionth time I went to a play with both of them, and Sam's aunt, along with Sam himself. I dropped them off at their house before taking Sam's car home that Friday night. I would go so far as to call them friends.
His littlest sister really likes me. Whenever I come over she gives me a huge hug, same with when I leave. We had a bet going that I would get her a jar of pickles all for herself on her birthday. ( I did.)
His mom and dad never opposed me, and Sam told me that they liked me. I all but forced him to get opinions out of them, and was busy making my own, as far as how I thought they saw me. I didn't get Sam in trouble, we didn't stay out obscenely late (most of the time)...So in the end, they liked me.
His little brother and second youngest sister don't hold to much of a role, that's just how it's always been, but I still love them both. I'm focusing on main things right now.
Anyway, so, I wake up on Saturday, go to work, and halfway through my shift....boom. Everything just goes off the edge.
I only held it together because I knew how this story played out, I'd "been there, done that" one too many times. Jorden saw the small side of me that reacted just like I would have the first time around. The bawling, sobbing, I'm going insane, part.

I went home from Sam's apartment that night, crying the whole way, sobbing when I said goodbye to him, not wanting to go inside when he ran across the road to hug me one last time. We both thought that was it, we were over as over could be.
I hated how familiar the feeling of total loss was inside my chest. And I hated to be the one to push away, to say goodbye, to turn around, and walk away. For an insane insant, the whole world froze.
Then the front door shut behind me, and I watched his lights fade down my hill, the bright red showing dimly through the trees.

Life has a way of catching one off gaurd. And life shot me for a complete spin in the coming days.
Because it didn't all fall apart. I didn't have to lose everything dear to me, all over again. And just last week, despite what I'd heard via parents, I went over to Sam's house for dinner for the first time in five weeks, and it was fine.
No death glares. No shunning. His dad teased like he always did. His mother stayed the happy, charming hostess she always had been. We all talked like everything was normal.
And as Sam squeezed my hand under the table, I remember something he has told me one-thousand times over. And I always forget.
"Never underestimate me."
He had told me everything would be okay. For that night, and all the others. He had told me that his parents were exceptional.
I think I should start remembering the things he tells me. And I'll never underestimate him again.
(I know that two guys and only one girl regularly read my blog, so I'll stop here before I start with my "Sam's amazing, Sam's wonderful, Oh my freaking God, I love Sam", to spare them the agony of having to plod through the emotional love puddle I seem to melt into whenever I put any extensive thought into Sam at all...)

After that night was over, I was left feeling that there really was hope in the world for all us wayward teenagers. All you've got to have are a couple of parents that can understand the mistakes you make, and while it may be so hard to work past them, the fact that they will let you do it, and not just totally blast you off the face of the earth is comforting.
I've had that happen to me too many times. I hate the feeling of disappointment I get, for having let everyone down, and it's just nice to know that, while Sam's parents may not adore every inch of me, they aren't disgusted by me, and they don't think I'm not good enough for their kid.
(At least I hope not ^.^) And the fact that they are doing this...makes me respect them more than I have ever respected Tyra (Brant's mum), or Bonnie.
Really, it's how you conduct yourself through the really hard stuff that counts. And what they did has earned them my awe for a long time. They're good people, and I'm sure as hell grateful they ended up being Sam's parents for this one.
This is where I leave you for now, then.
Much love, duckies, sleep well.
-Nessa-

P.S. Oh my god, this blog held a point through the entire thing...
Sorry, I just have such a problem with tangents that after I re-read this I was beyond surprised.
Bye!!

P.P.S Sorry about the double post. =)