Jobs. Suck.

Short and sweet, to say the least.
Today when I got into work, three things happened.
Firstly, Zack brought up Chrisi in all her moron-ismness, because she cut his shifts as well as my own. But see, she didn't call him. She didn't warn him, she did not ask for him to come back in... She just said 'Oh, well, because Zack left at the regular time and an unforeseen catastrophe occurred not too long thereafter, I shall now cut his hours in a bitchy attempt to make myself feel better for my own inadequacies.'
Okay, so that was just be being theatrical, but you get the gist of this whole thing.
So we both got screwed over.
You know the phrase 'Misery loves company."?
It's a true statement. I suppose I'm not so much miserable rather than grateful I have a coworker-in-arms to angst about Chrisi with. =) I just do love to angst, don't I?
Secondly, I made Sam pizza. Of course. He likes his pizza.
And thirdly...Zack greeted me with some bad, albeit vauge, news.
This morning he said that Ted said that either Chrisi or Schyler were talking about replacing him and myself. I can only assume it's because they really don't like us, and we were the ones to play a major role in the dissolving of Friday night. Also because we have some small history of trouble making.
I dont' know. Life is..interesting at the moment. But hey, this forewarning, plus apartment hunting, gives me a really good excuse to go job hunting for a whole bunch of good reasons now. Just wish finding jobs were easier.

In happier news, I'm going to the X-Men opening at midnight tonight. XD. I am very mucho much excited for this! Me, Angel, and Sammy are the ones going so far...but if anyone else reads this and wants to come (even though its a school night for some) you should totally come down and hop in line with us!!!

Much love and cookies,
-Nessa-

*Warning* Chuck Spoilers.

So the second season of Chuck ended in a very....unforseen cliffhanger. I mean, I was prepared to be left on the end of a rope for an undefined amount of time..but not with Bryce Larken dead and Chuck knowing Kung Fu after reinstating the Intersect into his brain, that's for damn sure.
Either way, I'm pleased, and excited for the next season, although not unbearably impatient. Chuck has not, so far, failed to present, so I'm sure the third season will be just as awesomely awesome as the first two. =)
At least, I certainly hope so, in either case.

Lemme see...
Angelique called me last night. She and Megan found a three bedroom apartment for 725 in or near Pleasant Grove yesterday. They're still looking, but the base subject of the phone call was pretty much her saying she wants me to come with her and Megan when they leave.
Again, life plans do a double take.
How did I put it so quaintly on MySpace last night?
I felt like someone had sawed off the top of my head, poured in dry ice and hot coals, then sewed it shut again.
I guess the mere idea of actually getting out of my house with any relative quickness sends me reeling....Not surprising though.
My list of priorities have changed too. After talking to Angel, I guess I'm going to UVU or whatever...and they accept GED's, so I'm getting that too.
I now realize that my little dream of graduating from East Shore was farfetched, at least mildly so. Due to transportation, or the lack thereof, I wouldn't have been able to easily get in the hours and packets required of a fulltime student like myself.
And if I can still get into college and do the things I want to, maybe getting my GED isn't something I have to be so scared of doing anymore. Besides, I know a bunch of people who have gotten their own, and they're doing fine.
I looked at a place with Angel tonight too. It didn't do much in the way of 'Oh, I like this one, let's live here', but it put a few more things into perspective for me. By the way of leaving home, I mean.
Talking to Angel about it helped too. In leaving my house I'm taking on an unsurmounted portion of responsibility, one I am not used to carrying..hmm. We'll see.
I just hope that the bright, glowing idea of moving out doesn't become a neon red beacon of reality entirely too soon...
I work for a few hours tomorrow...I'd only work those three, but thanks to a good friend, coupled with sheer dumb luck, instead of three hours this week (due to Chrisi's stupidity) I work closer to fifteen.
I need a new job =). Old tune, I know, but it still remains a fact of life. Damned economy. Har har.

Oh, something I just sort of noticed in passing. Tonight, when I went with Angelique, her dad called her when we were almost to the apartment and talked to her for about fifteen or twenty minutes. She pulled over, and in the quiet I could inadvertently hear most of the conversation.
Her mom and dad, irregardless of how well they and Angelique coexist at home, really don't want her leaving, it seems like.
Her dad was talking about how Angel's mother is just struggling to let yet another one of her kids go, and he himself was cautioning her against leaving, although for more constructive and logical reasons.
I guess right now I wish I didn't loathe living at home so much. I mean, there are only a few issues that make me want to leave, but unfortunately they are big reasons, and ones not easily resolved. I wish my parents wanted to help me out more. I wish I deserved their help.
I just wish the circumstances between us were different, and that I didn't have to be out of the house in order for us to bear being around one another at all.
Either way...my day was uneventful, and seeing Angel was honestly the only thing I did with anyone all day. Sammy didn't even end up coming over to watch the season finale of Chuck with me like he said he would. That was pretty lame too.
Alright, well, like I said, I work tomorrow, and even though I slept in all day just because I could, I find myself getting tired, and should probably try for some sleep time.
Much love and fuzzies,
-Nessa-

Oh, btw, Mike's pissed as hell that Megan and I are moving out with Angelique. Not because of who we're leaving with, so much as... we ditched him as roomates. He also thinks he's losing me. Go figure..*sigh* Stuff in life is too damn complicated sometimes, you know?

Hehe. =D

Cutting Corners

I have a fatal character flaw. Often, when I should most speak my mind, I shut up. So, here we go. I don't feel like shutting up for tonight.

Jorden.
I care about you. I'd go so far as to say I love you, in a sisterly way of course, we've cleared this up. I have made it a point to never judge one on their lifestyle and instead look at them as a person and care about that. Everything else becomes rather menial after I attain the proper perspective.
But it's because of this perspective that I'm saying this.
I am worried as hell about you. I'm not you, I haven't lived your life, I haven't seen what you've seen, I don't understand what goes on in your head any better than your neighbors dog, but why are you doing what your doing?
Drinking, fine. People do it, whatever. Smoking....well, really, if you want to, hell, knock yourself out, again, your decision.
But come on... Fuck, Jorden, I don't want to see you doing this. When I say I love you I mean it! I'm not sticking my nose in your business, it's your goddamn life, but please, please, I am on my knees begging you. don't hurt yourself any more than...well, I don't know.
I know you don't want people telling you how to live. Your family gives you shit for your decisions, hell, even your roomates do sometimes. I watch, I learn, and I leave you alone.
I just hope you aren't rebelling to rebel. I hope you have a fucking good reason for all this. And I hope you know I care. Because I do. A lot. Irregardless of how long I've known you.
I'll be quiet now.
(I repeated myself a LOT in that paragraph.)

Cam...I'm sorry for poking my nose into your business about your life. Once Jorden put my questions into perspective for me, I realized I could very well be digging where I don't belong, so I'm sorry.

Sam..baby... When I say nothing is wrong, and stick to it, and don't to tell you something, it means I really do have shit on my mind. You know this. And do you know why I still don't tell you? Because I don't want my opinion to become a deciding factor in a choice your making in your life. Because I don't want to end up giving you the answer you don't want to hear. Because I don't want to feel like a girlfriend who plays Mom.
You've never let me down before. Ever. But on 4/20, even though I sat right next to you that night, I really just wanted to cry.
Because you had told me you wouldn't. And as big of a deal as I should NOT be turning this into.... that night was the first time you ever let me down.
And the fact that, if maybe I'd been a little more opinionated, you possibly might not have chosen what you did, it bothers me. Reference how in the beginning I said that I shut up when I really shouldn't.
I hope you feel better soon...I know life is, well, bad right now. I'm here for you, whenever you need me, for as long as that may be. I love you.

Okay, all that's off my chest. I can't think of anyone else that I've been to quiet towards as of late. If I've made anyone angry.... I wasn't aiming for it, that's for damn sure.

Goodnight.
-Nessa-

P.S. - Hey Alyse, I posted.

Absence.

Hi peoples. I haven't posted on here lately, if you could tell, and I thought I'd just let you all know that in the dry spell on Blogger.com, I have posted three mini blogs on MySpace. So if you still wanna read as far as what I'm up to, and I haven't written anything here for a while, MySpace would be the logical first place to go check for signs of Nessa Existance.
Just an FYI.

Oh, and something that confuses me. Why it is, exactly, that totally random people try and befriend you on MySpace, that you've never met, seen, or heard of before. I mean, I suppose they are being oddly social or something, but still. This guy, BrutalBryant, random dude from God Knows Where, goes, 'Hey, be my friend.'
I go "Where the hell did you come from?"
*consider adding, after wandering around his page*

Either way, people are bizzare.
Much love
-Nessa-

Your not worth $43.25 of my time.

This is one of those times that I am sitting in front of the computer wanting to write something, absolutely anything, and my mind remains utterly blank.
I suppose I'll just quickly ramble on about unimportant minor details of life until Jorden comes back...
My concert I went to was very entertaining. Although, funnily enough, the entertaining part was not the final band, as is usually expected. From all my vast experience with concerts (says in very sarcastic voice) it's always gone like this.
Band I don't know, band that sounds good, band I do know, but not well, band that I think is more or less pretty damn cool, band that ultimately rocks my world.
That is like 5 bands right there, so give or take a little, ok?
But with Fallout Boy....no.
Cobra Starship was great, I want to get a lot more of their music. Metro Station..that was just wild, I was so happy and hyper is was deranged, for once I didn't care that a billion people were running into me top speed, I just shoved them back.
Then All Time Low came on, and I got bored. I didn't know them well, and I had exhausted myself with M.S., so I just calmly waited for F.B. so I wouldn't waste my energy.
Turns out there was no energy that was going to be wasted.
They came on, played...that was it. There was no stage presence, there was no enthusiasm toward the crowd, it was (as I have told everyone) like "Oh, look at us, we are rich and famous. We shall now play, and you will proceed to be amazed."
A.K.A. LAME FUCKING SAUCE.
But I still had a fun night. Know why?
These guys. =)



Cameron, Corianne, Alyse, and Jorden.
All of the above made that night and those 43 dollars and 25 cents worth it.
In other news..
I miss my Sam?
I work too much this week...
I had a sleepover with Alyse after the concert, that was fun.
I'm getting annoyed with Mike, sadly enough. After eight months of constant angsting about one thing or the other, can you really blame me for getting at least minorly desensitized toward his crying?
Chrisi called and like got really mad at me about my hair today, the whole 'not wearing it tied back' thing. Justified complaint, and it's my fault she got mad at me in the first place, but it's still going to bother me until some time later tomorrow..
I'll say sorry now (even though I've been trying to stop doing that on such a frequent basis), because I am having an off day and, in my mind, almost starting to complain. Okay, take off the almost.
Either way, on the up side, it's raining, not snowing. I still have a job. I got to listen to Dane Cook at work. Angelique is happy. Megan's finger is healing. Sam is having lots of fun in Disneyland. My hair is getting longer. Alyse is entertained by the numbness of her mouth. I own a cute, fuzzy hampster. Jorden is like the best non-brother I've ever had. What Landon told me was a lie. I didn't get in trouble for getting home at one am after the concert.

I guess I'll go now. I really did this to kill time, and even though I remain morose, I did find a few things to make me fractionally more positive. And a little can mean a lot in the long run.

Bye for now.
-Nessa-

Park Wars

So tonight I met Corianne. (I'm pretty sure that's how it's spelled.)
This is one of today's excessive highlights, of course.
Really, today was just all around awesome, it really was. First I wake up on time, and get to work on time, so no one is mad at me for making them stay long than they have too.... And then I got to spend the next three hours joking around with Zach, who's my favorite person to work with besides the Captain Spaztastica (Megan) herself.
Closer to four, Angelique came in and successfully asked Zach to come bowling with us Friday night (Sam bailed on me for that one...but it's Dee's birthday hehe.) Another point for my Thursday.
After milandering out of 5 Buck and down the busy streets of AF and off toward Pleasant Grove, my wonderful boyfriend picked me up and we went to Noahs, where I got to watch him be all techy and car obsessed. Two of his more endearing traits, at least in my book.
I bought my Fallout Boy ticket, finally, and another 43.25 is out of my pocket and back into the masses of streaming money. I feel poor already.
I watched Sam, Jorden, and Cameron inhale a large, stuffed crust pizza, and then revert to the utmost hilarious of boyish stages, as they turned on Halo 3. Just imagine three guys all staring mindlessly at a television screen, all of their mouths slighly ajar, clutching game controllers, their facial expressions twitching slightly as they attempted to kill one another on screen. Makes for a funny picture.
During "Yes Man", which Sam had been wanting to watch for the more part of today, Jorden announced that our Spring Break fun was on the right track. Thursday scores again =).
Corianne came over, and I finally got to meet Cameron's much acclaimed lady friend. Movie watching filled my next two hours as I happily ignored my curfew for more illustrious pursuits, those being watching Jorden and Cam have at it on a playground after Sam fell asleep.
I'm not entirely sure how the wood chip war started, I know it had something to do with my comment of Jorden and Cameron now needing to have a battle to the death.
Corianne and I stayed perched on the highest slide, more or less safe, until Cameron showered us with errant wood chips and we spent the next few minutes trying to get them out of our shirts. Then Cameron had his epic fail at bodily reversing, trying to escape retaliation, landing on his back and scrambling away as Jorden pelted him.
Some sort of showdown on top of the tunnel slide led to a tentative treaty between the two, and we paired off to talk of other things soon after.

So pretty much my day, straight up to the very words you are reading, has been ideal. Friends, fun, playtime, quite a wonderful combination.
And I never realized how annoyingly awesome it is to be around people like Jorden, who can effectively put the world in perspective then leave you to make your decisions, growling and knowing you should do what's right, no matter how bad you'd like to spite him.
I guess that's my way of saying thanks for having such a kickass non-biological brother to rely on.

Tomorrow I get to work six hours then go say hi to my ridiculous boyfriend, steal his car, and a kiss (or sixty billion), then go bowling with a bunch of my good friends and have an awesome time before going home to await what I get the feeling will be an equally awesome Saturday.
My weekend is turning out pretty promising. I'm all excited =).
Oh, and nevermind that Fallout Boy is on Monday.
That's just a minor detail.
LOFreakingL.
Then there's my sleepover with Alyse after the concert.
*smiles exuberantly*

Goodnight
-Nessa-

I don't understand.

So Jorden came up to see me tonight, we haven't talked in really long time, and I missed it. Regularly I would stick around the apartment after Sam had fallen asleep, and Jorden and I would go off having random conversations about life and just discuss everything under the sun.
We talked for about two hours, and he was parked like in front of my neighbors house. Just a litte past one am, my mom texts me asking where I am.
Obviously I was in trouble.
Now, after having dealt with this situation more than once in my life (the whole 'get caught being out way late' deal), game plan was as usual: Walk upstairs, give brief explanation, go into room, let entire thing drop.
It's worked perfectly in the past.
But when my mother is around, she seems to just...explode over stuff like this. I mean, my dad gets angry too, but his anger is usually suitably justified, and I almost always deserve it.
So....she proceeds to all but yell at me what on earth was I doing outside.
I just told her I was talking to Jorden.
"YOU WERE IN A CAR!!!"
No shit, Sherlock, glad your observation skills are up to par.
"Yes mom, Jorden came up to talk to me."
"I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE DIDN'T HAVE A CAR!!!"
Ok, car-obsessed lady...
"It was Sam's car."
*blank stare*
"WHY WAS HE IN SAMS CAR?!?!"
"Well, quite obviously, Sam let him take it to come up and see me."
*furious stares/silence at my witty reparte of answers*
"WHY WERE YOU OUTSIDE AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT-*curfew lecture*- IN A CAR!!!"
"Mom, why are you freaking out over the fact that I was in a car? Honestly, I realize that you cannot, for the life of you, tell what a car is by looking at it, much less when it's at night, but if you hadn't noticed, Sam has a huge sticker across his back window that says "Noah's" on it, that should have, at some point, tipped you off."
"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SNEAK OUT, COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST CALLED HIM ON THE PHONE????"
"His cellphone is shut off."
*more blank stares and fury, considering I've totally shut her down again*
" I NEVER WANT YOU IN A CAR WITH JORDEN EVER AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME??? EVER!!!"
"Ok, why, Mom, what is your big issue with me being in a car with Jorden?"
*stalks away refusing to answer*
I am getting mad now. Okay, I was mad a while ago.
"Give me an answer!"
"BECAUSE YOU CAN STILL HAVE SEX IN A CAR TEN FEET AWAY FROM THE HOUSE, THAT'S WHY!!!!"

At this point, I would like to interject the base emotion that made me write all this down in the first place.
I hate my mother. On occasion we get along, we ever share experiences, memories and other things together, on a reasonably enjoyable level.
But at times like this...I just don't know what to say to her.
I understand she doesn't trust me.
I understand that, when caught in a situation like this, she will suspect the worst.
But here is what gets me.
Hearing her tell me that she thinks I was out having sex with Jorden, ten feet away from my house, is the most insulting thing she could possibly have come up with to say.

I have NEVER cheated on Sam. I WOULD NEVER cheat on Sam. I have stressed this to both adult figures on more than one occasion, and with varying degrees of forcefulness. After eight months of this, you'd think they'd get the message that I have determined to be totally loyal. I have been cheated on, I know how it feels, and besides, if no one has noticed recently, I happen to be madly, delusionaly in love with Sam anyway!

Her standing there saying that was interpreted thusly into my mind.
"I think your a slut, who, no matter the attachment to any given boy, will have sex with someone else without a second thought, in any given circumstance if it suits you."

See how this little chit chat we were having could make me angry?

My dad made us stop because I started swearing at her. It was indirect, I was more just using swear words in general. I think he yelled at us to separate once I screamed,
"What the hell kind of person do you think I am, huh?"
Yeah, that was it. Nothing horrid, but hey, they're Mormon.

I guess....even though I know they do not trust me at all... it would be really nice if my parents could, for once, not think I am sleeping with a guy just because I am talking to him after eleven pm at night.
That, for once, they would just say "Oh, ok. You know that is wrong, and technically breaking curfew. We are disappointed. Do not do that again, we have been over this before, goodnight."
INSTEAD of turning it into the Holy Inquisition, and condemning me to burn at the stake.
It's annoying. I hate it.

That's my rant for tonight.

I mean, other than those ten minutes, my life has been going pretty great. I have been entertained every single night for about a week now, seeing as things just keep happening as we get along into the wee hours of the morning, and I have stayed relatively happy. I almost want to say this situation burst my bubble, but whenever I think about the 3Oh!3 concert I am going to tomorrow, I cannot help but smile.

Jorden, thanks for coming to see me. I needed that.
Mom, your a bitch. Get over yourself. I can say it, I'm your kid.
Sam.. I miss you. And even though I know you'll never read this, I just want to tell you that I love you unconditionally, I really, truly, honestly do, and your the best thing that has ever happened to me. You mean the world to me. I don't go a day without thinking about you, I wake up every morning happy, because it means another day that I get to spend being yours.

I'm tired, and crying gives me headaches so I have to go dig some Tylenol out of somewhere before I go to sleep.
Much love and stuff.
-Nessa-

Quick Runthrough.

"I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind... That I put down in words..How wonderful life is, with you in the world!"

So a couple things.
I wanna meet Corianne.
I almost cried when I thought Cam had left to job corps without saying goodbye.
Monsters and Aliens was hilarious.
Kayleanne needs to be fired, as usual.
I want Megan to come back to work.
Brantley wrote that letter. (I'll explain in a sec.)
Megan's the best friend ever.
I love the Moulin Rouge.
Buttermilk pancakes are awesome.
My mom is immature.
My kitten is trying to suffocate me with love.

Okay, so about Brantley.
Really, really fucking long story short.
Megan and him are no longer talking, he deleted us both off his MySpace and Gmail (tragic, I know), and last night Megan told me that yes, Brant did write that letter after all. Of course I was stolidly unsurprised.
Life is pretty awesome.

Megan and I had a huge reconnecting last night. Spent time laughing about stuff, and finally telling each other things we needed to know... stuff that could have ruined our friendship but oddly enough, brought us just that much closer together. Common goals (like thinking Brantley is a total and complete ass) seem to have a bonding effect lol.

Ummm..there is one other huge minor detail...but I'll blog about it later. It's too soon for the topic to be under discussion.

So, quick little update of randomness for you.
Much love.
-Nessa-

The Mouthful I Choke Upon

I wanna explode.

• I can't go back to school until June, but I need to go NOW.
• I didn't that job at Bed, Bath & Beyond, and I was really hoping for it.
• I am so tired of relying on everyone for transportation.
• I changed my plans as far as moving out. Now it's with Angelique and Megan down near UVU once I graduate.
• I feel sad all the time, because I feel like I let God down. (Weird, I know.)
• I'm worried about Angelique.
• I'm worried about Megan.
• I'm worried about Alyse.
• I'm worried about Jorden.
• I seriously like uuber despise the new girl, Kayleanne, at my work, and feel guilty as hell for making fun of her all the time.
• I'm tired of my parents walking away from me whenever they don't feel like hearing what I have to say.
• I'm tired of feeling like I can't talk to anyone about stuff, because I get so damn repetitive with my issues, and they have stuff of their own to worry about.
• I hate getting annoyed with my friends, just because I am so wrapped up in myself.
• I'm sick of hungering for change in my life, it gives me a headache.
• I crave the social attachments I used to have.
• I miss being outgoing and fun.
• I hate that I almost cry every single time Megan shows me what Jerremy just got her, or what adorable comment he just texted her.
• I hate that I've ended up hating Brantley, because we promised that we'd stay friends forever. And break the world record for longest Starburst chain ever created.
• I wish I'd learned to save money when I was a kid.
• I hate that I just sleep until one every day because I have no other way to spend my time. Since I left school/dont' have a daytime job.
• I hate that I just made a list complaining about just how bad I hate my life.
• Aaaand, to top it all off...I wish I had more confidence in myself.

I just want stuff to change. I don't know what. For God's sake, anything would be nice. Something major. Something surprising. Something original.

I am so glad I am planning on going to two concerts in the next couple weeks. I hope I can just chill and wear myself during that.

So goodnight for now, I'm..... Ok, I've got no clue what I'm going to do. Eat grapes?

Oh, funny, so Megan, myself and Zach got online today, and looked up a coworker of ours on the Registered Sex Offender list, and...they were on there. And it was like a conviction for doing something with a kid who was 14 or younger. Within the past three years.

I mean, my coworker is way cool...but it's only slightly creepy to know they've done something like that, you know? Not judging... Just didn't see it coming. Thought they'd kept to the drug side of illegality lol.

Alright, so that wasn't so much funny as random and unnecessary.

Bye bye.

-Nessa-

Trust Me, I'm Not Ok. (MCR)

*sigh*
Technology sucks, did you know that?
Because it has the power to tell you everything.
Even stuff you don't want to know.
It also has the power to make you believe stuff...that isn't true.
See also: Tabloids
See also: Side screen adds ex:ENTER YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND FIND OUT WHO LOVES YOU
See also: GPS tracking systems. Ex: The T-Mobile G1 cell phone.

Now, I should hope that, after knowing me for a somewhat extensive amount of time (in most readers cases) I'm not usually the deranged, psychotic type. I keep my paranoia under wraps and leveled, as does the most part of society.
(Those who do not are the ones locked up for trying to fly after drinking a Red Bull.)

Though, when my more deluded side peeks out, as it is bound to do...simply because I keep it so tightly reigned in...it gets a bit out of control. And proceeds to otherwise make me second guess things...and people..that I know I shouldn't.
Ever.
For any reason.

Thusly... I slowly dig myself into this hole of confusion, and, at some point, find that I must accost another mind to drag it down with me.
But this mind I speak of, still remains in a sane state.
And so it views me as one of unbalanced character.

After a few moments of conversing with this other entity, I slowly ground myself, and realize exactly how...so-beyond-not-me I am acting. Then I blush the color of a ripe tomato, crawl into a corner, whack my head against a wall a few times... you get the picture.
Making up stories as to why I have a goose egg is pretty fun though.

(Tangent: Like, you know that scar on my arm? I told one lady that I got attacked by a shark...she believed me. No joke. It was awesome. If not a bit sad, on her part. Although I, to this day, still remain thoroughly entertained by the memory.)

So, to the sane minds, I apologize.
And to myself I say... listen to Cameron.
(A.K.A.-The milk hasn't spilled. So don't cry over it yet.)

-Nessa-
Btw, Happy April Fools day. ^.^