Trust me, I'm just about as surprised as you are. I didn't think this would be happening to me for another little while, but I guess it just.. happened.
But please don't make the mistake of thinking I'm not happy about this. Being a mom is.. daunting, to say the least, and I kept on thinking I didn't want to have kids.
Too much time, hassle, problems, kicking, screaming...
But then I took a test and those two little bars showed up.. and poof.
Even with all the problems, I'm pregnant, I will be a mom, and from what I know of my friends and family members, the good times more than make up for the bad.
I'm excited, I really am. My whole future just changed for the better.
IMA BE A MOM!! (I keep saying that..)
For now I just have to prepare. First thing after I told my brother he started listing off different crap I have to look forward too and things that I have to get done at the doctor. (His friend is about two months along, so he knows all the ins and outs.)
My dad jumps on me going to the doctor and getting on vitamins. My mother in law asks if I'm getting sick. All my friends get mad at me because they don't see me anymore and WTF Jenessa is pregnant??
It's about as hilariously funny as when I got pregnant.. but better! Cuz people aren't sitting there going "hmmmm... not sure this is a good idea..." It's more of a "YAY JENESSA IS HAVING A KID YAAAAYYYY!!"
Which I like :)
Who wouldn't?
But now I'm scared to sleep on my stomach, I have cramps that annoy the shit out of me, and the only energy I seem to have is used walking to the kitchen to get something to eat or drink. It's only been three weeks, how can this already be affecting me?!
Good thing the internet has let me in on a little secret: I could have a whole slew of symptoms that could only be temporary, or run throughout my entire pregnancy. So far morning sickness hasn't reared its ugly head, and I can take the cramps and sleepiness just fine, as long as I'm not getting sick every other ten minutes.
I am kinda excited to smell everything :P Isn't it cool that when you're pregnant you develop super sensors? I think it is.. it makes me feel like a super hero haha
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Skeletons
There are those moments in life when you have to just sit quietly and listen to the waves wash over the rocks and the sand.
I have to let the words wash over me. I have to remain silent.. and possibly giggle every once and a while about what I'm hearing.
A family is a very intimate thing. What goes on behind closed doors of a house is no one else's business but the family behind it. Or so some people think.
A family is a hard thing to manage. You will never love, or hate, any single person more, than a direct relative that you can call brother, sister, mother, or father. They are the bane of your existence, and your rock in the sea, when all else is but ocean and foam.
A family puts on a face for the world. When children are being beaten, they hide their bruises, afraid. When a husband is unhappy, he buries himself in work, alone. When a wife is lonely, she creeps into another's arms, ashamed.
But all you see on Sunday is a wife bouncing a new baby on her knee, the children kneeling on the floor coloring in their books and constantly fussing over who gets the right color crayon. You see a husband with his head in his hands, listening intently to the sermon.
And you say to yourself "What a nice family."
The kids hate their parents, the wife hates her life, the father hates himself. What a nice family.
There are those families that really are perfect, the exception to what should not be a rule. I've found a few. But only a few. If the problems aren't prevalent, then they are in the past. But they are there. There is always a black sheep somewhere, skeletons in the closet.
I have to let the words wash over me. I have to remain silent.. and possibly giggle every once and a while about what I'm hearing.
A family is a very intimate thing. What goes on behind closed doors of a house is no one else's business but the family behind it. Or so some people think.
A family is a hard thing to manage. You will never love, or hate, any single person more, than a direct relative that you can call brother, sister, mother, or father. They are the bane of your existence, and your rock in the sea, when all else is but ocean and foam.
A family puts on a face for the world. When children are being beaten, they hide their bruises, afraid. When a husband is unhappy, he buries himself in work, alone. When a wife is lonely, she creeps into another's arms, ashamed.
But all you see on Sunday is a wife bouncing a new baby on her knee, the children kneeling on the floor coloring in their books and constantly fussing over who gets the right color crayon. You see a husband with his head in his hands, listening intently to the sermon.
And you say to yourself "What a nice family."
The kids hate their parents, the wife hates her life, the father hates himself. What a nice family.
There are those families that really are perfect, the exception to what should not be a rule. I've found a few. But only a few. If the problems aren't prevalent, then they are in the past. But they are there. There is always a black sheep somewhere, skeletons in the closet.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
LDS vs JW
Here I am again. Haven't written in a while.
As a precursor to this post, I have on thing to ask of you who read this.
Please don't judge my marriage. I recognize that I married fast, and probably jumped in head first.. blindfolded.. with ear plugs...
I'm putting this out here as my own, personal, (totally biased), view.
Thanks :)
I seem to have hit an unexpected yet totally foreseen obstacle in my marriage. Happily this won't be an awkward blog, because I'm pretty sure that this is an issue for just about every single person on this entire planet.
RELIGION.
Yes, the "R" word. Sadly it's not four letters, cuz then it could really fit well under "List of Words to Avoid Ever Saying".
Anyway.
The above acronyms in my title should have given away the players in this debate. Latter-Day Saints, and Jehovah's Witnesses.
As some of you may know, my husband is a Jehovah's Witness, which I will now refer to as JW, because typing that out is way too annoying.
His family is devout as well. Well his parents are, specifically, along with one of his brothers. The other family has fallen out of the loop.. not the point here.
Basic beliefs. (And don't you dare quote me on any of this, because I know next to shit about this religion).
The Bible is the only word of God. The JW have the most direct, correct translation of the Bible, as the King James version has been messed with and incorrectly interpreted enough over the years to be considered unreliable.
JW do not celebrate holidays due to the pagan backgrounds said holidays continue to endorse and represent. That's right, no holidays. None.
Examples - Easter is an old form of worship to an ancient fertility god. Eggs and such.. (I think I heard that, on Easter, virgins would run into the woods and men would run after them to find them and take them in a desperately physical fashion.)
Christmas is a lie (Santa, etc.) and I can't remember the background for that one.
Thanksgiving is a national holiday, and JW cannot endorse the government.
Ah yes, the government. JW cannot have any government jobs or involvement. They cannot salute the flag, say the pledge, put their hands over their hearts, or vote. Why? The government is corrupt and evil, and will fall at the end of days.
JW cannot give blood. Why? Because blood is sacred to God, and cannot be used for any purpose once removed from the body.
Chemicals mixed with YOUR OWN blood and re-injected into your body? That's ok.
Your own blood recirculated through a machine while undergoing operations? That's ok.
Donating blood or receiving blood that is not your own through any procedure whatsoever? Not okay.
Yes, this does prevent them from performing many different kinds of life saving procedures. If you find a JW bleeding out on the road, all you can do is hold their hand as they die.
I'm being serious.
JW don't believe in the Second Coming. They think that, if Christ were to sacrifice his own life and then just 'poof' "I'm back!" it would entirely devalue his original suffering and death for our sins.
JW don't believe we are all going to some level of heaven. They believe that a select 144 thousand people will ascend to heaven to help God in eternity with his work (or something). They are the Anointed. They have all been born between the beginning of humanity and the end of said humanity. The rest of us, assuming we have lead decent lives, will be resurrected on the New Earth. Those who are not worthy will simply cease to exist, forever.
JW believe that, when you die, you die. That's it. Your soul does not go elsewhere, they actually think that your body is your soul. So, when you die, God keeps you in his mind as a perfect memory, and you will be brought back from his memory as a being on the New Earth (again, according to your worthiness).
Now, swing the focus.
All of you on here were raised LDS, so you know what they believe, despite whatever you think about religion now.
Do you have problems with anything written above? If not, I'll give you Rob's father's number, and he can immediately begin a bible study to see if you will convert to "The Truth".
IF, however, some of you find the aforementioned statements less than desirable, please allow me to touch on some, that while a few may be petty, really bother me.
Holidays.
Okay, I get that putting all your relatives in the same room, adding a bunch of screaming, finicky, hyperactive kids, and trying to eat turkey in a civilized fashion may not always turn out as the fluffy 'family togetherness' event you had imagined.
I understand that it is a unnecessary rush and panic around the holidays. The stress of buying presents, wrapping them, keeping them hidden from glassy-eyed kids who still believe Santa slides down that chimney you don't have.. it takes effort.
Oh, and about three months worth of paychecks in this economy.
BUT. There is a flip-side.
Who doesn't remember being totally stoked that Santa ate the cookies you left out for him, and seeing the carrots for his reindeer gone? Who didn't freak out when you got a bunch of shitty little presents and then SANTA got you a fetching bike, all shiny and gleaming on the front porch?
And who honestly doesn't give a shit about pagan backgrounds, because you, in no way, shape or form, consider giving people presents on a random day in December a worship or disrespect of any God?
Don't most LDS consider it a day to remember Jesus's birth? Or did my mom just put out all those babies in mangers with shepherds to screw with me..
(And yes, I know it wasn't ACTUALLY the day Jesus was born..)
On the subject of blood.. say your child gets in a bike accident, like I did when I was a kid. Without forty blood transfusions, I would have died. Plain and simple, Jenessa would have ceased to exist at the bottom of that hill.
Guess what the parents of a JW kid would have to do?
"Ma'am, we need to get your child blood immediately, or he/she is going to die."
"I'm sorry, you can't. It's against our beliefs."
HEADS UP KIDS: I am in no way making light of any persons beliefs. What you think, what you feel in your heart of hearts to be right, true and correct defines who and what you are for your entire life, start to finish.
But, as a parent, who wants to watch their child die in their arms? Who wants to lose their baby, knowing it is entirely within their power to save them?
I don't.
But I'm going to have to anyway.
Now, let's get to the bashing part of this blog.
You respect other people's beliefs, right? Unless you are some sort of asshole, you don't generally run around saying atheists are fuck heads who know nothing, and campaign against Buddhists cuz they worship some fat guy.
This goes for life decisions as well. You, again generally, don't see a homosexual couple, run up, throw your Sonic Route 44 Dr. Pepper in their faces, and scream "FUCKING FAGGOTS!!" Do you?
(I should hope not, since those of you reading this are considered my friends and I don't really want my friends to be those kinds of people..
Point being.. )
Now that I am in a family of JW, I am in the minority. My religion is constantly in question, mocked, ridiculed, and disclaimed as a religion borne of possible satanic influence. (No shit on that, JW are big on demon and satanic influence.)
(Let me quickly insert that I do not entirely follow the tenets of my faith. Actually, I don't follow them, period. But I was raised in a certain belief system, and after nineteen years of being taught the things I have, giving these things up is not easy. If the LDS Church is wrong, I have to scrap years of belief, toss out the basis of what I was raised on. Imagine how hard it would be to be told that all you have ever heard or thought was a total lie. Yeah, doesn't feel to great.)
So add personal conviction with personal confusion, then add in outside persecution and it comes to a cumulative head that explodes right about when someone says "Joseph Smith was a lying bastard. He made up the BoM, fooled approximately fourteen MILLION people into the same falsehood, and is now somewhere up above, cackling and slapping his knee over it. This has got to be the greatest hoodwink ever pulled in history. Oh, and, by the way, you are a total moron for being sucked in. Why don't you grown a brain and find out the truth for yourself? Better hope your truth coincides with mine, or we are gonna have real problems here..."
(No one has actually said that last part, by the way. May have been implied, but it was meant as an example.. although everything before 'Better hope your truth coincides with mine' I've heard.)
I'd LOVE to hear opinions, but please, can they be.. thought out? I'd really like to see where my friends stand. Not sure how many people actually read this..
Well, if you have the time, I'd love to hear it.
Yours truly
-Nessa-
As a precursor to this post, I have on thing to ask of you who read this.
Please don't judge my marriage. I recognize that I married fast, and probably jumped in head first.. blindfolded.. with ear plugs...
I'm putting this out here as my own, personal, (totally biased), view.
Thanks :)
I seem to have hit an unexpected yet totally foreseen obstacle in my marriage. Happily this won't be an awkward blog, because I'm pretty sure that this is an issue for just about every single person on this entire planet.
RELIGION.
Yes, the "R" word. Sadly it's not four letters, cuz then it could really fit well under "List of Words to Avoid Ever Saying".
Anyway.
The above acronyms in my title should have given away the players in this debate. Latter-Day Saints, and Jehovah's Witnesses.
As some of you may know, my husband is a Jehovah's Witness, which I will now refer to as JW, because typing that out is way too annoying.
His family is devout as well. Well his parents are, specifically, along with one of his brothers. The other family has fallen out of the loop.. not the point here.
Basic beliefs. (And don't you dare quote me on any of this, because I know next to shit about this religion).
The Bible is the only word of God. The JW have the most direct, correct translation of the Bible, as the King James version has been messed with and incorrectly interpreted enough over the years to be considered unreliable.
JW do not celebrate holidays due to the pagan backgrounds said holidays continue to endorse and represent. That's right, no holidays. None.
Examples - Easter is an old form of worship to an ancient fertility god. Eggs and such.. (I think I heard that, on Easter, virgins would run into the woods and men would run after them to find them and take them in a desperately physical fashion.)
Christmas is a lie (Santa, etc.) and I can't remember the background for that one.
Thanksgiving is a national holiday, and JW cannot endorse the government.
Ah yes, the government. JW cannot have any government jobs or involvement. They cannot salute the flag, say the pledge, put their hands over their hearts, or vote. Why? The government is corrupt and evil, and will fall at the end of days.
JW cannot give blood. Why? Because blood is sacred to God, and cannot be used for any purpose once removed from the body.
Chemicals mixed with YOUR OWN blood and re-injected into your body? That's ok.
Your own blood recirculated through a machine while undergoing operations? That's ok.
Donating blood or receiving blood that is not your own through any procedure whatsoever? Not okay.
Yes, this does prevent them from performing many different kinds of life saving procedures. If you find a JW bleeding out on the road, all you can do is hold their hand as they die.
I'm being serious.
JW don't believe in the Second Coming. They think that, if Christ were to sacrifice his own life and then just 'poof' "I'm back!" it would entirely devalue his original suffering and death for our sins.
JW don't believe we are all going to some level of heaven. They believe that a select 144 thousand people will ascend to heaven to help God in eternity with his work (or something). They are the Anointed. They have all been born between the beginning of humanity and the end of said humanity. The rest of us, assuming we have lead decent lives, will be resurrected on the New Earth. Those who are not worthy will simply cease to exist, forever.
JW believe that, when you die, you die. That's it. Your soul does not go elsewhere, they actually think that your body is your soul. So, when you die, God keeps you in his mind as a perfect memory, and you will be brought back from his memory as a being on the New Earth (again, according to your worthiness).
Now, swing the focus.
All of you on here were raised LDS, so you know what they believe, despite whatever you think about religion now.
Do you have problems with anything written above? If not, I'll give you Rob's father's number, and he can immediately begin a bible study to see if you will convert to "The Truth".
IF, however, some of you find the aforementioned statements less than desirable, please allow me to touch on some, that while a few may be petty, really bother me.
Holidays.
Okay, I get that putting all your relatives in the same room, adding a bunch of screaming, finicky, hyperactive kids, and trying to eat turkey in a civilized fashion may not always turn out as the fluffy 'family togetherness' event you had imagined.
I understand that it is a unnecessary rush and panic around the holidays. The stress of buying presents, wrapping them, keeping them hidden from glassy-eyed kids who still believe Santa slides down that chimney you don't have.. it takes effort.
Oh, and about three months worth of paychecks in this economy.
BUT. There is a flip-side.
Who doesn't remember being totally stoked that Santa ate the cookies you left out for him, and seeing the carrots for his reindeer gone? Who didn't freak out when you got a bunch of shitty little presents and then SANTA got you a fetching bike, all shiny and gleaming on the front porch?
And who honestly doesn't give a shit about pagan backgrounds, because you, in no way, shape or form, consider giving people presents on a random day in December a worship or disrespect of any God?
Don't most LDS consider it a day to remember Jesus's birth? Or did my mom just put out all those babies in mangers with shepherds to screw with me..
(And yes, I know it wasn't ACTUALLY the day Jesus was born..)
On the subject of blood.. say your child gets in a bike accident, like I did when I was a kid. Without forty blood transfusions, I would have died. Plain and simple, Jenessa would have ceased to exist at the bottom of that hill.
Guess what the parents of a JW kid would have to do?
"Ma'am, we need to get your child blood immediately, or he/she is going to die."
"I'm sorry, you can't. It's against our beliefs."
HEADS UP KIDS: I am in no way making light of any persons beliefs. What you think, what you feel in your heart of hearts to be right, true and correct defines who and what you are for your entire life, start to finish.
But, as a parent, who wants to watch their child die in their arms? Who wants to lose their baby, knowing it is entirely within their power to save them?
I don't.
But I'm going to have to anyway.
Now, let's get to the bashing part of this blog.
You respect other people's beliefs, right? Unless you are some sort of asshole, you don't generally run around saying atheists are fuck heads who know nothing, and campaign against Buddhists cuz they worship some fat guy.
This goes for life decisions as well. You, again generally, don't see a homosexual couple, run up, throw your Sonic Route 44 Dr. Pepper in their faces, and scream "FUCKING FAGGOTS!!" Do you?
(I should hope not, since those of you reading this are considered my friends and I don't really want my friends to be those kinds of people..
Point being.. )
Now that I am in a family of JW, I am in the minority. My religion is constantly in question, mocked, ridiculed, and disclaimed as a religion borne of possible satanic influence. (No shit on that, JW are big on demon and satanic influence.)
(Let me quickly insert that I do not entirely follow the tenets of my faith. Actually, I don't follow them, period. But I was raised in a certain belief system, and after nineteen years of being taught the things I have, giving these things up is not easy. If the LDS Church is wrong, I have to scrap years of belief, toss out the basis of what I was raised on. Imagine how hard it would be to be told that all you have ever heard or thought was a total lie. Yeah, doesn't feel to great.)
So add personal conviction with personal confusion, then add in outside persecution and it comes to a cumulative head that explodes right about when someone says "Joseph Smith was a lying bastard. He made up the BoM, fooled approximately fourteen MILLION people into the same falsehood, and is now somewhere up above, cackling and slapping his knee over it. This has got to be the greatest hoodwink ever pulled in history. Oh, and, by the way, you are a total moron for being sucked in. Why don't you grown a brain and find out the truth for yourself? Better hope your truth coincides with mine, or we are gonna have real problems here..."
(No one has actually said that last part, by the way. May have been implied, but it was meant as an example.. although everything before 'Better hope your truth coincides with mine' I've heard.)
I'd LOVE to hear opinions, but please, can they be.. thought out? I'd really like to see where my friends stand. Not sure how many people actually read this..
Well, if you have the time, I'd love to hear it.
Yours truly
-Nessa-
Saturday, August 6, 2011
That rising rate
I guess its' been a long month for me. A lot of things are different; I moved really far away from everything I've known, which is the biggest part. I've had a really hard time letting go, I will freely admit that, but the more I come home and stay away from my husband.. the more I realize that the only place I really belong with anymore is with him.
My family is my family.. but they are having problems. Maybe this isn't something you post on your blog, your thoughts for other people to see that are true, close, and very personal to your heart, but I guess I need to throw some stuff out to impartial crowds and see if they respond.
My parents.. just don't love each other anymore. I don't know how else to put it. I love each of them very much, each in my own ways, but they have grown apart so much as a couple that I can hardly count on one hand the amount of times I've seen them in the same room together lately.
I know divorce is frowned upon. You shouldn't give up on years of commitment, the longer you stay together it seems like that's the commitment.. stay together, make it work, keep the love alive.
Here at my parents all I can see is borderline complacency. It's like they are two totally unrelated people that just live in the same home, eat the same food, and otherwise ignore one another existance.
This actually bothers me a lot. It's been on my mind for a few years. The odd distancing of my parents really went over my head as a child, I was much more focused on myself and my teenage issues and love life than really seeing what was going on. I know it's only gotten worse in the past little while, especially as I grew up and moved out of the house.
I always tried to keep the peace with my parents, I really did. I almost felt like a therapist sometimes, giving advice to each of them, (mostly my mom) on how to handle one another better.
Once I left.. I guess the tiny little communication bridge I was trying to build just got washed away and they sank further away from each other. My dad went back to school and all his time and effort sank into that; my mom made new friends at work, and it seems like she's getting closer to them than she should be.
I don't know what to think anymore. I have talked to my mom about it a few times, I've tried not to be invasive, but what am I supposed to do? I'm their daughter, I've known and loved them all their lives, they adopted me, raised me, taught me everything I know, then sent me out into the world to see how I would do. Of course I'm worried for them. I'm frightened.
I really am. I'm scared to watch my family fall apart like a fraying blanket. I've watched it happen firsthand to another family, I stood on the front lines and watched as a husband and wife pushed and shoved their way through a divorce, one wanting separation, another desperate to do anything, ANYTHING, to save their marriage.
My parents haven't joined the statistic just yet. They haven't added another notch to the divorce rate.
But they are both being so strange and distant I wonder if it's not just a matter of time.
I don't know what affect it would have. I think my brother would shrug his shoulders, and it may get under his skin.. but since he's in the military, he's watched relationship after relationship fall apart as husbands and wives are sent overseas and their spouses at home stray and forget the love they had.
I don't know what it would do to me. I'd probably try and ignore it.
It would break my dad. He's already a little strange, a little off, just a little... abnormal.
Is it sad that I think my mom would just move on? I think she would push it off her shoulders and say that it was what she saw coming, that she loved my father but that it just wasn't going to work out anymore.
Well, got that off my chest. Thanks for reading. I know all you guys have new lives and probably rarely sign in anymore, Alyse was the last of the apartment bunch to post. Guess we've all moved on a little more than we all realized.
Still. Love you.
-Nessa-
My family is my family.. but they are having problems. Maybe this isn't something you post on your blog, your thoughts for other people to see that are true, close, and very personal to your heart, but I guess I need to throw some stuff out to impartial crowds and see if they respond.
My parents.. just don't love each other anymore. I don't know how else to put it. I love each of them very much, each in my own ways, but they have grown apart so much as a couple that I can hardly count on one hand the amount of times I've seen them in the same room together lately.
I know divorce is frowned upon. You shouldn't give up on years of commitment, the longer you stay together it seems like that's the commitment.. stay together, make it work, keep the love alive.
Here at my parents all I can see is borderline complacency. It's like they are two totally unrelated people that just live in the same home, eat the same food, and otherwise ignore one another existance.
This actually bothers me a lot. It's been on my mind for a few years. The odd distancing of my parents really went over my head as a child, I was much more focused on myself and my teenage issues and love life than really seeing what was going on. I know it's only gotten worse in the past little while, especially as I grew up and moved out of the house.
I always tried to keep the peace with my parents, I really did. I almost felt like a therapist sometimes, giving advice to each of them, (mostly my mom) on how to handle one another better.
Once I left.. I guess the tiny little communication bridge I was trying to build just got washed away and they sank further away from each other. My dad went back to school and all his time and effort sank into that; my mom made new friends at work, and it seems like she's getting closer to them than she should be.
I don't know what to think anymore. I have talked to my mom about it a few times, I've tried not to be invasive, but what am I supposed to do? I'm their daughter, I've known and loved them all their lives, they adopted me, raised me, taught me everything I know, then sent me out into the world to see how I would do. Of course I'm worried for them. I'm frightened.
I really am. I'm scared to watch my family fall apart like a fraying blanket. I've watched it happen firsthand to another family, I stood on the front lines and watched as a husband and wife pushed and shoved their way through a divorce, one wanting separation, another desperate to do anything, ANYTHING, to save their marriage.
My parents haven't joined the statistic just yet. They haven't added another notch to the divorce rate.
But they are both being so strange and distant I wonder if it's not just a matter of time.
I don't know what affect it would have. I think my brother would shrug his shoulders, and it may get under his skin.. but since he's in the military, he's watched relationship after relationship fall apart as husbands and wives are sent overseas and their spouses at home stray and forget the love they had.
I don't know what it would do to me. I'd probably try and ignore it.
It would break my dad. He's already a little strange, a little off, just a little... abnormal.
Is it sad that I think my mom would just move on? I think she would push it off her shoulders and say that it was what she saw coming, that she loved my father but that it just wasn't going to work out anymore.
Well, got that off my chest. Thanks for reading. I know all you guys have new lives and probably rarely sign in anymore, Alyse was the last of the apartment bunch to post. Guess we've all moved on a little more than we all realized.
Still. Love you.
-Nessa-
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Le Wifey Poo
So marriage is exactly like being in a relationship.. just minus all the completely retarded bullshit of 'omfg is he gonna leave me just cuz that girl can swing her ass'.
Alright, so even real relationships aren't that stupid.. mostly.
But now I'm in Roosevelt, living with Rob's family until he is able to save enough money from working in the oil fields so we can get a place of our own. I'm content here, his parents are wonderful people who I get along with very well.
They also have two small chugs, one named Dexter who's a cynical, moody little bastard, but I'm slowly winning him over.
Chug number two is named Daisy. She's a new addition to the family, a girlfriend for Dexter, but already she's outgrown him, and annoys him constantly, as would a toddler a tween.
There is a kitty as well, her name is Kailey. I kinda love her, she's the super snuggly type, and will gladly let you love on her for an age and a half.
There aren't many mountains here, it's just hills. Roosevelt is the type of city you drive past before you even realize that you drove into, or through it. Sorta a hick city, everyone here works out in the oil fields, and shit, is that ever good money..
Being a wife is.. weird. Hearing the word is weird. It's all just so... eh. There isn't really a way to describe it. I do love having someone to wrap my arms around every night before I go to sleep, and having a handsome man in my bed every morning.
And here's something I've come to enjoy; because Rob and I didn't know one another as long as most couples, it's still an adventure getting to know him. That's another blessing about being with his parents, I can see how he reflects them as a person, and they also help me out when I'm not quite sure what to do. Never interfering.. but occasionally a funny story, or another time Robert lost his mind for no good reason ;).
I love doting on my hubby, its practically my favorite thing, if I'm being honest.
Either how.. News.. news.. no news.
Couple of my friends hate me for getting married.
The rest of them are just rolling their eyes at me for making such an uninformed decision.
Ah, news. The date of my reception is looking (tentatively) to be Saturday, September 17th. Guess we will see who ends up coming, eh?
Gotta say this real quick...
JORDEN AND ALEXIS I'M SO FETCHING SORRY I MISSED YOUR RECEPTION, I GOT STREP AND WAS IN THE ER A COUPLE DAYS AGO!!!!!! I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!!!!!
Love you all mucho much.
-Nessa-
Alright, so even real relationships aren't that stupid.. mostly.
But now I'm in Roosevelt, living with Rob's family until he is able to save enough money from working in the oil fields so we can get a place of our own. I'm content here, his parents are wonderful people who I get along with very well.
They also have two small chugs, one named Dexter who's a cynical, moody little bastard, but I'm slowly winning him over.
Chug number two is named Daisy. She's a new addition to the family, a girlfriend for Dexter, but already she's outgrown him, and annoys him constantly, as would a toddler a tween.
There is a kitty as well, her name is Kailey. I kinda love her, she's the super snuggly type, and will gladly let you love on her for an age and a half.
There aren't many mountains here, it's just hills. Roosevelt is the type of city you drive past before you even realize that you drove into, or through it. Sorta a hick city, everyone here works out in the oil fields, and shit, is that ever good money..
Being a wife is.. weird. Hearing the word is weird. It's all just so... eh. There isn't really a way to describe it. I do love having someone to wrap my arms around every night before I go to sleep, and having a handsome man in my bed every morning.
And here's something I've come to enjoy; because Rob and I didn't know one another as long as most couples, it's still an adventure getting to know him. That's another blessing about being with his parents, I can see how he reflects them as a person, and they also help me out when I'm not quite sure what to do. Never interfering.. but occasionally a funny story, or another time Robert lost his mind for no good reason ;).
I love doting on my hubby, its practically my favorite thing, if I'm being honest.
Either how.. News.. news.. no news.
Couple of my friends hate me for getting married.
The rest of them are just rolling their eyes at me for making such an uninformed decision.
Ah, news. The date of my reception is looking (tentatively) to be Saturday, September 17th. Guess we will see who ends up coming, eh?
Gotta say this real quick...
JORDEN AND ALEXIS I'M SO FETCHING SORRY I MISSED YOUR RECEPTION, I GOT STREP AND WAS IN THE ER A COUPLE DAYS AGO!!!!!! I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!!!!!
Love you all mucho much.
-Nessa-
Monday, July 11, 2011
How I Got Married
I drove to North Carolina.
I met Robert Simons.
We kissed.
We dated.
We fell in love.
We got engaged on the tenth.
We got married on the eleventh.
I am now Mrs Jenessa Anne Simons.
Fast? Yes.
Stupid? Quite possibly.
Do I regret it? Not in a million years.
Am I happy?...........
I'm thinkin' yes.
Love you all
-Nessa-
P.S. Reception is in September. More info later lol
I met Robert Simons.
We kissed.
We dated.
We fell in love.
We got engaged on the tenth.
We got married on the eleventh.
I am now Mrs Jenessa Anne Simons.
Fast? Yes.
Stupid? Quite possibly.
Do I regret it? Not in a million years.
Am I happy?...........
I'm thinkin' yes.
Love you all
-Nessa-
P.S. Reception is in September. More info later lol
Sunday, June 5, 2011
It's been.. a really long week.
Original post date 6/5/11
Reference the title.
So, you all know that I came home from North Carolina. I also came home with a new boyfriend.
This.. will be mostly about him, or things related to him, because I haven't left his side since Wednesday afternoon.
So, I came home the middle of May, on the seventeenth. Drove for four days, froze my ass off all over again in Wyoming, shoved under the steering wheel of my worthlessly small car. I had been sleeping in Jerr's car but he went to bed with the doors locked and by the time I got off the phone... Suffice it to say, I nearly lost my toes.
I've utterly wasted my time back home, jobless and quickly running out of money, you think I'd be more proactive with my life but apparently having a boyfriend so far away automatically negates any proactive thought.
And time is passing...
...
...
...
Still passing..
...
...
...
. So Rob offers to buy me a plane ticket back out to NC the weekend after I got home to see him, because, of course, we missed each other (cue: AWWWWWWWW *vomit*)
Bought the ticket..
Rob's car blows up the day before I'm scheduled to fly out. The way our job works, you can't do your work if you don't have a car, and at this point someone else had been fired, and the entire Vivint group is working an hour and a half away from the hotel, making almost no money because most of it is going to gas either way.
It was Friday night that his car finally gave up the ghost, even though it was a relatively new vehicle, and not due to expire for some time.
Rob called me Saturday morning and let me know that it would be best for me not to bother coming out, seeing as that would put us both in a bad position; Rob didn't hardly have the means to get home again, and my coming out would just compound the problem.
So after purchasing a non-refundable, non-transferable ticket, and wasting Rob's money, I stayed home. I think ultra-bummed might begin to cover how I was feeling at that point.
Now, because Rob no longer had a car, he decided that he missed being home, was sick of Vivint, and wanted to just be done, and find real work in Utah.
I won't lie, it sucks that his car went boom, but I was plenty happy about getting him back so much sooner than I had originally thought.
(I was going to have to wait the whole summer. Show of hands for those of you who think I could have done that.... Yeah, didn't think there would be anybody ;).)
Fast forward through a few more days of waiting, to Wednesday at two in the afternoon. I picked Rob up from the airport and, as I said earlier, I haven't left his side since, with the exception of the long nap he let me take undisturbed.
I stayed the night at his brother's house in West Valley for two days, during which time I recieved an invitation to go camping with Rob and his family up at Flaming Gorge.
His family is superb, by the way. I get a lot of shit for being Mormon, since they are all Jehovas Witness, but I guess I don't mind, considering I understand the stigma on Mormons is widespread and.. excessive.
We went fishing, spent late nights around the campfire ( I was twenty one for a couple hours so I got to drink :P) lots of fun stuff. They are truly a great bunch of people, and I still have four other siblings yet to meet.
We finally came home today (not that I wasn't having fun, I just really like my showers)and I really have had a blast this entire week. I could have done nothing and had just as much fun ;)
But anyway, that was probably the lamest sum up of a week any of you have ever heard, so someone post a damn interesting blog to make up for my failing writing talent. (This is us assuming that I ever had any talent in writing at all.)
I'm going to go snuggle and watch Family Guy.
Love you guys, hope you are all doing well :)
-Nessa-
Reference the title.
So, you all know that I came home from North Carolina. I also came home with a new boyfriend.
This.. will be mostly about him, or things related to him, because I haven't left his side since Wednesday afternoon.
So, I came home the middle of May, on the seventeenth. Drove for four days, froze my ass off all over again in Wyoming, shoved under the steering wheel of my worthlessly small car. I had been sleeping in Jerr's car but he went to bed with the doors locked and by the time I got off the phone... Suffice it to say, I nearly lost my toes.
I've utterly wasted my time back home, jobless and quickly running out of money, you think I'd be more proactive with my life but apparently having a boyfriend so far away automatically negates any proactive thought.
And time is passing...
...
...
...
Still passing..
...
...
...
. So Rob offers to buy me a plane ticket back out to NC the weekend after I got home to see him, because, of course, we missed each other (cue: AWWWWWWWW *vomit*)
Bought the ticket..
Rob's car blows up the day before I'm scheduled to fly out. The way our job works, you can't do your work if you don't have a car, and at this point someone else had been fired, and the entire Vivint group is working an hour and a half away from the hotel, making almost no money because most of it is going to gas either way.
It was Friday night that his car finally gave up the ghost, even though it was a relatively new vehicle, and not due to expire for some time.
Rob called me Saturday morning and let me know that it would be best for me not to bother coming out, seeing as that would put us both in a bad position; Rob didn't hardly have the means to get home again, and my coming out would just compound the problem.
So after purchasing a non-refundable, non-transferable ticket, and wasting Rob's money, I stayed home. I think ultra-bummed might begin to cover how I was feeling at that point.
Now, because Rob no longer had a car, he decided that he missed being home, was sick of Vivint, and wanted to just be done, and find real work in Utah.
I won't lie, it sucks that his car went boom, but I was plenty happy about getting him back so much sooner than I had originally thought.
(I was going to have to wait the whole summer. Show of hands for those of you who think I could have done that.... Yeah, didn't think there would be anybody ;).)
Fast forward through a few more days of waiting, to Wednesday at two in the afternoon. I picked Rob up from the airport and, as I said earlier, I haven't left his side since, with the exception of the long nap he let me take undisturbed.
I stayed the night at his brother's house in West Valley for two days, during which time I recieved an invitation to go camping with Rob and his family up at Flaming Gorge.
His family is superb, by the way. I get a lot of shit for being Mormon, since they are all Jehovas Witness, but I guess I don't mind, considering I understand the stigma on Mormons is widespread and.. excessive.
We went fishing, spent late nights around the campfire ( I was twenty one for a couple hours so I got to drink :P) lots of fun stuff. They are truly a great bunch of people, and I still have four other siblings yet to meet.
We finally came home today (not that I wasn't having fun, I just really like my showers)and I really have had a blast this entire week. I could have done nothing and had just as much fun ;)
But anyway, that was probably the lamest sum up of a week any of you have ever heard, so someone post a damn interesting blog to make up for my failing writing talent. (This is us assuming that I ever had any talent in writing at all.)
I'm going to go snuggle and watch Family Guy.
Love you guys, hope you are all doing well :)
-Nessa-
Monday, May 16, 2011
*facedesk*
Hey kids. As y'all heard, Jenessa got a job.
Then she lost it two weeks later.
Yeah... about that.
*sigh*
Worked for 5 Buck, Jerremy comes and says "Hey, travel across the USA and do installations??"
I go "OH SO TOTALLY!!!"... zip across the USA and there we are, in a little hotel in a tiny room on the third floor.
Two weeks later.
"Hey, we are trying to up our install time and will have to let you go. Sorry.. kthxbai."
So here I am, the night before I leave, writing about leaving.
Which is redundant.
POINT BEING.
I love you all, being laid off is a bitch.
...
...
...
...
...
...
And I'm leaving behind an awesome guy.
Suck much?
Please and thank you.
-Nessa-
Then she lost it two weeks later.
Yeah... about that.
*sigh*
Worked for 5 Buck, Jerremy comes and says "Hey, travel across the USA and do installations??"
I go "OH SO TOTALLY!!!"... zip across the USA and there we are, in a little hotel in a tiny room on the third floor.
Two weeks later.
"Hey, we are trying to up our install time and will have to let you go. Sorry.. kthxbai."
So here I am, the night before I leave, writing about leaving.
Which is redundant.
POINT BEING.
I love you all, being laid off is a bitch.
...
...
...
...
...
...
And I'm leaving behind an awesome guy.
Suck much?
Please and thank you.
-Nessa-
Sunday, May 1, 2011
North Carolina Adventure
So.... North Carolina.
Fuck North Carolina, I wanna talk about the drive here lol
Okay, so Jerremy and I left on Tuesday afternoon, around five. We were supposed to leave around twelve.. but Jerremy is a girl and took forever. So we leave, and head off toward Primary Childrens and the canyon leading to Park City. Jerremy is doing ninety, and my little car, full of luggage and just not as cool, was lagging behind, but stoically trying to keep up.
Once we got out of Utah, the driving got easier, mostly because Wyoming is a lot more flat. I was reminded of when we all drove Cameron out to Evanston..
Wyoming was okay. It was freaking cold, but I was really excited to finally be out, be on our way. We stopped in the late afternoon at some small city, already closing down, but found a gas station still open so we could buy some real food.
(I don't know what Jerremy was eating, probably mostly jerky, but as much as I love gushers and granola bars.. I wanted something a little more substantial.)
Filled up and took off again, running like hell from a snowstorm that had started moments after we walked inside the station.
Let me make this clear; I HATE driving in rain, or snow. Mostly because it fucks with my visibility. I'm also scared of sliding off the road, hydroplaning.. Okay, so I'm typical in the sense that anything less than sunshine is gross to drive in.
So, we scamper out of there and keep heading across Wyoming. Now, here's the thing. Wyoming is nice.. the weather just sucks. There was wind blowing snow everywhere across the road, and the snow coming toward my windshield made me feel like I was in warp drive (Star Trek).
We stopped in Cheyenne, I was tired and scared out of my mind from all the wind and snow, and the sun had been down for a while. The truck stop we found was really nice, it even had showered, albeit for ten bucks a pop.
We fell asleep in Jerr's car, and that night makes it on the top of the list for coldest nights ever spent anywhere, for any reason. Even with the massive fluffy blankets, it was all I could do not to curl up and shiver my bones loose.
(Popped some Nyquil at this point; we both really needed to sleep.)
Morning time, sunny.. effing freezing. We turned the car on around eight, just to get the heater going, and even with the sun beating down through the windshield, it didn't lend more than a couple much needed degrees to our atmosphere.
Back on the road again, ready to tackle Nebraska.
Now, Nebraska is horrible. It's a worthless state that has no particular use in our country, but for some reason, people still live there. The damn thing is a little bit shy of 500 miles across, and we did the whole thing that day, and more.
We stopped a few times, and once had to take this insane little detour through a couple towns outside Lincoln, and into Lincoln itself.
Now, I hated Nebraska until we hit Lincoln. But Lincoln is how I pictured Forks to be in Twilight.. small, tiny streets and so green it's almost disorienting.. and just an over all feeling of home.
By this time I had bought a book on CD because I had run out of music I wanted to listen to and was starting to fall asleep at the wheel, yet again. (I'm really terrible at driving long distances I've discovered.)
Now, go figure, I buy a book out of a random and bare assortment of books at a truck stop/gas station combo. I found one book by someone that I actually knew, Nora Roberts, but I read the back and it seemed uninteresting.. Jerremy was itching to get back on the road so I just grabbed a book and went for it.
It was called A Wallflower's Christmas (or something close to it) and lo and behold.. a few chapters in... yes, Jenessa bought a mild sex novel :) In my defense.. it was well written. Desperately predictable.. but isn't love like that anyway?
Okay, so, back to driving. Any of you see those pictures of fireworks on my facebook? Go look. Because Jerremy and I stopped yet again in this little canyon on the way to Kansas City, and it turned out to be a warehouse of sorts. And this warehouse.. was mostly dedicated to the housing of fireworks :)
We aren't talking sparklers and Piccolo Pete's either. We are talking 'illegal in Utah', two feet tall bonanzas of flammable explosives that could take your arm off, and your face along with it.
Jerremy and I plan to return with our final checks and buy at LEAST one of everything.
Excited, much?
Yes, I am, thank you.
So, still driving. To give you an idea of how the driving went.
Home, Utah to Cheyenne, Wyoming - six hours
Cheyenne, Wyoming to Columbia, Missouri - fourteen hours
Columbia, Missouri to Morrisville, North Carolina - sixteen hours
I know, I know, the hour division doesn't make any sense.
We made it just past Kansas City and stopped in Columbia, outside a Comfort Suites and just died in the parking lot. By this time we were perfecting the art of sleeping in a car, and had all Jerr's jackets strewn across the visors to block out the inevitable, early morning sun. 'Course, that doesn't ever work as well as it's supposed to, but we slept in until about nine thirty either way. Who'da thunk so much driving would knock you out like that?
I should probably mention that I was dying inside by this time and Jerr was perfectly alright, go figure. Him and his posh little car and loud music..
Get this, I 'took a shower' in the Comfort Suites Hotel. Locked myself in the bathroom and shoved my head under the sink, washed my face, etc. Two days in a car had reduced me to.. well, God knows what, but I have to say, I don't ever wish to feel quite that unclean again. I could have happily gone through six bottles of body wash and gallon upon gallon of hot scalding water just to wash that endless trip off of my skin..
We drove about nine hundred and fifty miles, give or take. It took us sixteen hours, again, in estimation, and we covered.. five states? Yeah, I think so. Most of it was just a hazy blur, St. Louis was hectic and it started raining buckets (literally, wipers on high, could not see) in Kentucky. Illinois was brief. West Virginia and Virginia, I couldn't tell you which one was which.. but instead of taking our way around the mountains in Virginia, Jerremy's GPS took us straight through this one or two hour long winding canyon.. I was holding my eyes open with toothpicks at this point, and still fighting off sleep with a razorblade.
I'd been downing 5 Hour Energy bottles like water, and was starting to keep myself on a 5 hour schedule, catch one drink dropping off with a new one. I wonder if there are bad health side affects of ingesting too much of that drink..
Either way, I was hopped up on God knows what, and dying to just pull over and take a nap.
Jerremy got pulled over after we finally got out of the endless, devilish canyon with all its twists and turns, but again, avoided the ticket.
Oh, did I mention? We got pulled over in Nebraska as well, but only got a written warning. Go us.
I don't know how I drove the rest of the way. It was two am in Utah, four am in North Carolina, by the time we pulled into the parking lot of the Marriot Residence Inn. I was downing food for the last hour and a half, doing ninety on fifty-five highways, nearly shooting myself off of a clover intersection turn because I took it too sharp, too fast, with not nearly enough warning. GPS is somewhat unreliable like that..
They didn't have our rooms ready, so we crashed in our new managers room for the night. I took the bed, I didn't even have the energy to be courteous and offer it to Jerremy. Once I settled and dragged a blanket over my over-taxed body, I found sleep briefly impossible.. then overwhelmingly inviting.
Let's hear it for unconscious.
That was Friday morning, part one. Fell asleep at four thirty..
Woke up at eleven thirty to Jerremy poking me to wake up. I felt like hell. I knew I looked like hell. But once they handed us our room keys, we settled in, showered, talked a bit.. Then Stephen was calling us to come downstairs and go out with him on an install.
I have to admit, I condsidered becoming a butch lesbian after my first few days here.. I mean, imagine me in baggy black shorts, a vibrant orange shirt, my hair all tied back, no make up, and Chucks. I looked just like one of the guys, just with breasts. Pathetic.
But in all honesty.. I don't know if I really had a choice. I haven't been able to go shopping, and I haven't made any money yet, so all that I have is going to car insurance and a speeding ticket that I got before I even left the state. I don't have anything to wear, uniform wise. Gotta get my hands on some damn khakis...
*sighs deeply*
Friday was spent in an exhausted daze, following Stephen from house to house, getting our first taste of what we would be doing. It largely consists of drilling holes and excessively large amounts of wiring.. nothing difficult, but it's nothing even close to easy, and something I can't say I have had any experience with. I mean, I've wired up my speakers in my room because they got angry and didn't work, but not once in living memory have I ever drilled anything into anything.. for any reason at all. And it takes effort..
My gender is against me out here, for sure. Won't be hard to conquer that, but it's still something to be self conscious about, which I never handle well.
Oh, another thing. I've never been scared of being white.. until I came out here. There are black people everywhere.. and we are talking, arguing in the streets, frightening glares, loud music, porch monkey blacks.
Nothing on their color, of course, I've never been racist, I don't even understand why someone would bother to discrimination determined on ethnicity.. we all have two arms, two legs and a head, beyond that.. anyway.
We did an install in a certain part of town that, come to find out from a fellow tech who came over to drop off some things for us, isn't white friendly, at all. It's actually a dangerous place for us to be, we simply aren't welcome. 'Course Jerremy and I were stuck in this 'hood for about four hours, just waiting for someone to come train us on a million and one things that had been negligently left aside..
But really. Tye said that if us techs keep going over to that neighborhood, one of us could get seriously injured.
Makes me happy, it really does.
So Saturday slowly passed away. Jerremy and I wandered Raleigh, looking for some acceptable food, and discovered a new delicacy of epically unhealthy, southern proportions.
Fried pickles.
Now, before you stick out your tongue and run screaming.. they were really, really good. Just like onion rings, but pickles instead. Dipped in ranch. Holy hell, was that ever the yummiest thing I have ever eaten.
We went home after that, hung out with some of the other techs that Jerr had already unleashed his charismatic self on and made friends out of..
Once again, my sex is against me. I'm the only girl out here, I'm sure I've mentioned this, so for an install job it's difficult.. and making friends is hard too. I'm naturally an introvert, I don't like going out of my way to meet people. And everyone out here is the... I don't know how to explain.
Long shorts, long shirt, baseball cap, tattooed, stoner, video-game, foul-mouthed, party-it-up, type.
I mean, they are cool.. the first guy we met, Tye, he was alright.. He came out with two of his friends, Colton and another. They get along fine with Jerremy but.. I'd truly prefer to hide in my room for the next four months, even though I can't afford to do that.
Oh well. Shit happens, I knowingly chose a job that is unintentionally sexist so.. I will deal. And become lesbian if needs be :P
(Joking about the lesbian part.)
Sunday was slow.. but no work. The one day of the week I can briefly not have a seizure. How I shall treasure those hours.. considering I slept in until ten today, I don't think I made the greatest use of the beginning of my day. We went out to Greenville with Tye to grab some stuff from an old friend of his, and the drive took up our afternoon. Jerr and I just came home and watched a handful of episodes of Californication (becoming a close runner up to Dexter as far as my favorite show).
So here I sit, in my little hotel room, missing home....
It's nice to have a smile back on my face. It's nice to feel like I'm moving forward, even with excessive obstacles in my way.
It's beautiful here too. Come visit, I miss you guys :)
Fuck North Carolina, I wanna talk about the drive here lol
Okay, so Jerremy and I left on Tuesday afternoon, around five. We were supposed to leave around twelve.. but Jerremy is a girl and took forever. So we leave, and head off toward Primary Childrens and the canyon leading to Park City. Jerremy is doing ninety, and my little car, full of luggage and just not as cool, was lagging behind, but stoically trying to keep up.
Once we got out of Utah, the driving got easier, mostly because Wyoming is a lot more flat. I was reminded of when we all drove Cameron out to Evanston..
Wyoming was okay. It was freaking cold, but I was really excited to finally be out, be on our way. We stopped in the late afternoon at some small city, already closing down, but found a gas station still open so we could buy some real food.
(I don't know what Jerremy was eating, probably mostly jerky, but as much as I love gushers and granola bars.. I wanted something a little more substantial.)
Filled up and took off again, running like hell from a snowstorm that had started moments after we walked inside the station.
Let me make this clear; I HATE driving in rain, or snow. Mostly because it fucks with my visibility. I'm also scared of sliding off the road, hydroplaning.. Okay, so I'm typical in the sense that anything less than sunshine is gross to drive in.
So, we scamper out of there and keep heading across Wyoming. Now, here's the thing. Wyoming is nice.. the weather just sucks. There was wind blowing snow everywhere across the road, and the snow coming toward my windshield made me feel like I was in warp drive (Star Trek).
We stopped in Cheyenne, I was tired and scared out of my mind from all the wind and snow, and the sun had been down for a while. The truck stop we found was really nice, it even had showered, albeit for ten bucks a pop.
We fell asleep in Jerr's car, and that night makes it on the top of the list for coldest nights ever spent anywhere, for any reason. Even with the massive fluffy blankets, it was all I could do not to curl up and shiver my bones loose.
(Popped some Nyquil at this point; we both really needed to sleep.)
Morning time, sunny.. effing freezing. We turned the car on around eight, just to get the heater going, and even with the sun beating down through the windshield, it didn't lend more than a couple much needed degrees to our atmosphere.
Back on the road again, ready to tackle Nebraska.
Now, Nebraska is horrible. It's a worthless state that has no particular use in our country, but for some reason, people still live there. The damn thing is a little bit shy of 500 miles across, and we did the whole thing that day, and more.
We stopped a few times, and once had to take this insane little detour through a couple towns outside Lincoln, and into Lincoln itself.
Now, I hated Nebraska until we hit Lincoln. But Lincoln is how I pictured Forks to be in Twilight.. small, tiny streets and so green it's almost disorienting.. and just an over all feeling of home.
By this time I had bought a book on CD because I had run out of music I wanted to listen to and was starting to fall asleep at the wheel, yet again. (I'm really terrible at driving long distances I've discovered.)
Now, go figure, I buy a book out of a random and bare assortment of books at a truck stop/gas station combo. I found one book by someone that I actually knew, Nora Roberts, but I read the back and it seemed uninteresting.. Jerremy was itching to get back on the road so I just grabbed a book and went for it.
It was called A Wallflower's Christmas (or something close to it) and lo and behold.. a few chapters in... yes, Jenessa bought a mild sex novel :) In my defense.. it was well written. Desperately predictable.. but isn't love like that anyway?
Okay, so, back to driving. Any of you see those pictures of fireworks on my facebook? Go look. Because Jerremy and I stopped yet again in this little canyon on the way to Kansas City, and it turned out to be a warehouse of sorts. And this warehouse.. was mostly dedicated to the housing of fireworks :)
We aren't talking sparklers and Piccolo Pete's either. We are talking 'illegal in Utah', two feet tall bonanzas of flammable explosives that could take your arm off, and your face along with it.
Jerremy and I plan to return with our final checks and buy at LEAST one of everything.
Excited, much?
Yes, I am, thank you.
So, still driving. To give you an idea of how the driving went.
Home, Utah to Cheyenne, Wyoming - six hours
Cheyenne, Wyoming to Columbia, Missouri - fourteen hours
Columbia, Missouri to Morrisville, North Carolina - sixteen hours
I know, I know, the hour division doesn't make any sense.
We made it just past Kansas City and stopped in Columbia, outside a Comfort Suites and just died in the parking lot. By this time we were perfecting the art of sleeping in a car, and had all Jerr's jackets strewn across the visors to block out the inevitable, early morning sun. 'Course, that doesn't ever work as well as it's supposed to, but we slept in until about nine thirty either way. Who'da thunk so much driving would knock you out like that?
I should probably mention that I was dying inside by this time and Jerr was perfectly alright, go figure. Him and his posh little car and loud music..
Get this, I 'took a shower' in the Comfort Suites Hotel. Locked myself in the bathroom and shoved my head under the sink, washed my face, etc. Two days in a car had reduced me to.. well, God knows what, but I have to say, I don't ever wish to feel quite that unclean again. I could have happily gone through six bottles of body wash and gallon upon gallon of hot scalding water just to wash that endless trip off of my skin..
We drove about nine hundred and fifty miles, give or take. It took us sixteen hours, again, in estimation, and we covered.. five states? Yeah, I think so. Most of it was just a hazy blur, St. Louis was hectic and it started raining buckets (literally, wipers on high, could not see) in Kentucky. Illinois was brief. West Virginia and Virginia, I couldn't tell you which one was which.. but instead of taking our way around the mountains in Virginia, Jerremy's GPS took us straight through this one or two hour long winding canyon.. I was holding my eyes open with toothpicks at this point, and still fighting off sleep with a razorblade.
I'd been downing 5 Hour Energy bottles like water, and was starting to keep myself on a 5 hour schedule, catch one drink dropping off with a new one. I wonder if there are bad health side affects of ingesting too much of that drink..
Either way, I was hopped up on God knows what, and dying to just pull over and take a nap.
Jerremy got pulled over after we finally got out of the endless, devilish canyon with all its twists and turns, but again, avoided the ticket.
Oh, did I mention? We got pulled over in Nebraska as well, but only got a written warning. Go us.
I don't know how I drove the rest of the way. It was two am in Utah, four am in North Carolina, by the time we pulled into the parking lot of the Marriot Residence Inn. I was downing food for the last hour and a half, doing ninety on fifty-five highways, nearly shooting myself off of a clover intersection turn because I took it too sharp, too fast, with not nearly enough warning. GPS is somewhat unreliable like that..
They didn't have our rooms ready, so we crashed in our new managers room for the night. I took the bed, I didn't even have the energy to be courteous and offer it to Jerremy. Once I settled and dragged a blanket over my over-taxed body, I found sleep briefly impossible.. then overwhelmingly inviting.
Let's hear it for unconscious.
That was Friday morning, part one. Fell asleep at four thirty..
Woke up at eleven thirty to Jerremy poking me to wake up. I felt like hell. I knew I looked like hell. But once they handed us our room keys, we settled in, showered, talked a bit.. Then Stephen was calling us to come downstairs and go out with him on an install.
I have to admit, I condsidered becoming a butch lesbian after my first few days here.. I mean, imagine me in baggy black shorts, a vibrant orange shirt, my hair all tied back, no make up, and Chucks. I looked just like one of the guys, just with breasts. Pathetic.
But in all honesty.. I don't know if I really had a choice. I haven't been able to go shopping, and I haven't made any money yet, so all that I have is going to car insurance and a speeding ticket that I got before I even left the state. I don't have anything to wear, uniform wise. Gotta get my hands on some damn khakis...
*sighs deeply*
Friday was spent in an exhausted daze, following Stephen from house to house, getting our first taste of what we would be doing. It largely consists of drilling holes and excessively large amounts of wiring.. nothing difficult, but it's nothing even close to easy, and something I can't say I have had any experience with. I mean, I've wired up my speakers in my room because they got angry and didn't work, but not once in living memory have I ever drilled anything into anything.. for any reason at all. And it takes effort..
My gender is against me out here, for sure. Won't be hard to conquer that, but it's still something to be self conscious about, which I never handle well.
Oh, another thing. I've never been scared of being white.. until I came out here. There are black people everywhere.. and we are talking, arguing in the streets, frightening glares, loud music, porch monkey blacks.
Nothing on their color, of course, I've never been racist, I don't even understand why someone would bother to discrimination determined on ethnicity.. we all have two arms, two legs and a head, beyond that.. anyway.
We did an install in a certain part of town that, come to find out from a fellow tech who came over to drop off some things for us, isn't white friendly, at all. It's actually a dangerous place for us to be, we simply aren't welcome. 'Course Jerremy and I were stuck in this 'hood for about four hours, just waiting for someone to come train us on a million and one things that had been negligently left aside..
But really. Tye said that if us techs keep going over to that neighborhood, one of us could get seriously injured.
Makes me happy, it really does.
So Saturday slowly passed away. Jerremy and I wandered Raleigh, looking for some acceptable food, and discovered a new delicacy of epically unhealthy, southern proportions.
Fried pickles.
Now, before you stick out your tongue and run screaming.. they were really, really good. Just like onion rings, but pickles instead. Dipped in ranch. Holy hell, was that ever the yummiest thing I have ever eaten.
We went home after that, hung out with some of the other techs that Jerr had already unleashed his charismatic self on and made friends out of..
Once again, my sex is against me. I'm the only girl out here, I'm sure I've mentioned this, so for an install job it's difficult.. and making friends is hard too. I'm naturally an introvert, I don't like going out of my way to meet people. And everyone out here is the... I don't know how to explain.
Long shorts, long shirt, baseball cap, tattooed, stoner, video-game, foul-mouthed, party-it-up, type.
I mean, they are cool.. the first guy we met, Tye, he was alright.. He came out with two of his friends, Colton and another. They get along fine with Jerremy but.. I'd truly prefer to hide in my room for the next four months, even though I can't afford to do that.
Oh well. Shit happens, I knowingly chose a job that is unintentionally sexist so.. I will deal. And become lesbian if needs be :P
(Joking about the lesbian part.)
Sunday was slow.. but no work. The one day of the week I can briefly not have a seizure. How I shall treasure those hours.. considering I slept in until ten today, I don't think I made the greatest use of the beginning of my day. We went out to Greenville with Tye to grab some stuff from an old friend of his, and the drive took up our afternoon. Jerr and I just came home and watched a handful of episodes of Californication (becoming a close runner up to Dexter as far as my favorite show).
So here I sit, in my little hotel room, missing home....
It's nice to have a smile back on my face. It's nice to feel like I'm moving forward, even with excessive obstacles in my way.
It's beautiful here too. Come visit, I miss you guys :)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Blowfish
--
I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.
This is me right now.
In other news, The Festival of Colors was awesome, I'm sure you've all seen my many multi-colored pictures, so I needn't post them here. Just don't get that stuff in your mouth.. I was spitting the rainbow the whole day.
My friends and I have decided to try and do a weekly outing of some sort every Sunday.. this weekend is going to be the hot springs :) We are going to go during the day, so I will finally be able to see where I've walked all these months :)
My car broke again; fuel injectors this time. One went boom and I kept driving on it unknowingly.. the shop said that my car could have exploded into flames at any moment, isn't that lovely? Yeah, I thought so too.
So that's getting fixed right now.
Megan keeps saying she wants to move away to somewhere with beaches.. most recently it's been southern California, and while California is expensive.. it's a nice thought. I'd like to move out of state, get some new experiences under my belt. I'm worried that I'd be running away from a few things if I left, but maybe running isn't such a bad thing anymore. We'll see how that goes.
No real plans beyond that. I've been watching Bones like a bitch, Netflix online is pretty much a gift from God, lemme tell you. I just wish they had some of the other shows I like, like House, that I could see from the beginning.
Oh, funny story. I had to bring a drunk friend home last night so I could take care of them, and Angelique's dad noticed even though I hoped that he didn't. The next morning he just pokes his head in my room and asks "So, how is you inebriated friend doing this morning?" with this knowing smile on his face.
I thought it was pretty funny :)
Luvs
-Nessa-
I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.
This is me right now.
In other news, The Festival of Colors was awesome, I'm sure you've all seen my many multi-colored pictures, so I needn't post them here. Just don't get that stuff in your mouth.. I was spitting the rainbow the whole day.
My friends and I have decided to try and do a weekly outing of some sort every Sunday.. this weekend is going to be the hot springs :) We are going to go during the day, so I will finally be able to see where I've walked all these months :)
My car broke again; fuel injectors this time. One went boom and I kept driving on it unknowingly.. the shop said that my car could have exploded into flames at any moment, isn't that lovely? Yeah, I thought so too.
So that's getting fixed right now.
Megan keeps saying she wants to move away to somewhere with beaches.. most recently it's been southern California, and while California is expensive.. it's a nice thought. I'd like to move out of state, get some new experiences under my belt. I'm worried that I'd be running away from a few things if I left, but maybe running isn't such a bad thing anymore. We'll see how that goes.
No real plans beyond that. I've been watching Bones like a bitch, Netflix online is pretty much a gift from God, lemme tell you. I just wish they had some of the other shows I like, like House, that I could see from the beginning.
Oh, funny story. I had to bring a drunk friend home last night so I could take care of them, and Angelique's dad noticed even though I hoped that he didn't. The next morning he just pokes his head in my room and asks "So, how is you inebriated friend doing this morning?" with this knowing smile on his face.
I thought it was pretty funny :)
Luvs
-Nessa-
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I guess it's time for one of these again
Hi everybody, it's been a while, as always.
Oh God, where to start.
Job: Making nine an hour now, that's nice. Still hate pizza, but I'm starting to think that if I quit, all my friends will starve :). I can't quit until the summer because my boss is losing all of his employees, and as often as everyone says 'Look out for you and do what's best for yourself' I hate leaving someone in a pile of crap if I don't have to.
Car: I found a Del Sol that seemed to be a good deal.. the guy Ryan that I am trying to get it from is being such a pain in the ass about getting it checked out, among other things, that I am starting to think it's not worth it. If it's going to work out, its going to work out. I will continue to persist just a little bit more, I don't want to give up yet, but the money just keeps adding up to be too much.
Living status: Still with Angel. I found a three bedroom, two floor apartment/house that seemed like an awesome deal, 800 for a couple and 900 for three people. And that price includes utilities. It also comes with a couch, No pets, no partying, but I'm alright with that. I can't seem to find roommates fast enough, though, and I'm worried I'll miss my chance.
Living with Angelique is great, as always, but I'm just starting to get tired of the small things. Can't watch anything on Sunday that isn't deemed "Sunday appropriate", no boys in the bedrooms, keep it down past nine because the baby is asleep in the basement... I want to have my own place so badly.
Valentines is in a few days.. I think this is the first one that I will be spending alone since I was about thirteen years old. I'm alright with that, but it's still going to live up to its 'Single's Awareness Day' status.
It's odd being single. I'm sure I could find someone that would want to spend the day with me, and I'd probably have a lot of fun.. but all I can really say is that I'm glad I work that day and am considering asking my boss to let me pull a double :P
It's like Dane Cook says.. when you are single it's like everyone else is at a party.. and you are outside that party, looking through the window, standing in the rain, thinking "Nobody invited me to this party.."
And when you are with someone, you are inside the party going "Where is my damn jacket, I've been at this party WAY too long, get me the hell out of here!!"
I've been talking with my brother a lot lately.. I miss him, hell, I always miss him. He's hiding in some desert right now, playing hazmat gooney because he decided to laugh at an officer whilst being chewed out. Got to hand it to my brother.. he can be a real idiot sometimes.
He said that I have until he comes home next to get my life in order, or else he's going to do it for me, his way. I'm a little frightened, I have to admit. Kendall can be.. overwhelming, sometimes.
Tattoos: I've been searching for ways to rip off my first one while pining to get a second.. we all know that I've been wanting a scorpion of sorts for a very long time now. I know they switched around the horoscope dates, and apparently I'm some sap of a Libra now, but I've been a Scorpio most of my life, and I don't care that they've changed them, I want my scorpion tattoo.
It also looks like it's going on my ribs.. I can't seem to find a more convenient place to put it. I want it out of the way, and somewhere most people won't accidentally see it. But I want it.
Gotta get rich first though ;)
I'm going to take this opportunity to post that Alyse's blog is akagoodman.blogspot.com just because i was busy being a retard and didn't actually know what the URL was. I haven't read her blogs in months because of this stupid oversight.
So if anyone else was being silly like me, there you go.
I guess I can talk about Devin a little bit..
I don't know if I've mentioned him. Actually, I'm sure I have, at least once.
I just want to throw in that I'm really grateful for him right now. He's been an enduring friend, which has been exactly what I've been needing as of late.
To clear up any.. speculation, Devin is not my boyfriend. He lives at my house, since his parents kicked him out, and we spend the majority of our time together due to that. He takes me to work now, so I don't have to wake my dad up at ungodly hours to run me over to 5 Buck.
He works graveyards up at Macey's too, so sometimes I will be getting him out of bed just five minutes after he has laid down to go to sleep.
It's at these times that I realize I need to be grateful for the friends I have, and for what they do for me.
I can say the same about my 'family'. (Angel's family, I refer to them as mine now, just so you all know.)
Just yesterday I was flipping out about my car, and what on earth I was going to do without one for much longer. At the dinner table the car situation was briefly discussed, and everyone jumped in to help me. Tai, another renter and Gaelen's best buddy, offered me a friends help to check out the car, Garn offered his car to help me get where I needed to go, and then called his dad to help as well.
They are just the most selfless, loving, wonderful bunch of people. Their giving nature astounds me over and over again.
For instance, I broke a very important rule a few days ago, and Garn was the one to catch me. When I finally go the chance to apologize to him, I felt like just like a child who was about to be punished.
I told him I was wrong, it had been disrespectful of me, and that I was very ashamed of myself, which is the honest truth. Instead of.. reacting negatively, which is what I was expecting, he walked over to me and hugged me. He told me it was okay, and that he thought no less of me for it, that, in fact, he thought very highly of me. He said we all make mistakes, and he said he understands that.
He also did me the courtesy of not telling Papa Penrod what had happened. His "I didn't see the need to tell him, since it was a one time thing." was a half rebuke, but at the same time, he was giving me the chance to prove that his kindness wouldn't go unappreciated.
Which it won't.
Also, his wife, Heidi. I was up late last night, just making food and reading, and she had left some of her notes and lists on the counter, along with notes from what I assume was a lesson in church the past Sunday. I wasn't meaning to snoop or anything like that, but I noticed two things on her list that really spoke to me.
One said "Ask Garn how work went, and really listen to him." Another, "Compliment everyone at the house at least once every day."
Two days ago she had sent me a text, out of the blue, telling me how pretty my hair looked, and how she had kept forgetting to tell me with how busy she had been that day, but she just wanted me to know.
Honestly.. two of the best people I know. Heidi is such a wonderful mother, and Garn astounds me with his unshakable faith in the church and its teachings.
Just.. I love my family, okay? Don't make fun of me haha.
Ohhh I should talk about religion.
So my friend Ryan recently left on his mission , and Megan and I went to his talk in church for his farewell. While I was there.. I felt oddly at peace. Not because of the church or anything, but because I have recently been able to come to grips with my religious stance.
I don't find a need to belong anymore. I don't feel the need to impress, but I also don't feel the need to act out and be visibly different from what the average Mormon should be. I am myself, and while other people will judge, as is our human nature.. I'm just more okay with myself.
I noticed this again when I went to see my Dad talk in church. Few ward members actually recognized me I looked so different (I'm sure that had something to do with me lacking a spiked, pitch black hair-do and wearing about a pound less make-up). But the ones who noticed me said hi, gave me hugs, and seemed genuinely interested in how I was doing.
So there you go, I've transitioned into a more comfortable state. Yay me.
I miss all of you. I'm hoping to see Cameron this weekend. Last time I saw Cori it was on Alyse's birthday when we went to the hot springs, which was forever ago. And Alyse and I never get the chance to hang out anymore since I can't get over to her house to see her.
Jorden is working two jobs trying to take care of his momma to be and two baby boys, and Sam.. well, you know how that goes.
Well, time to go clean up 5 Buck. Hope you are all doing well, keep blogging!!!
-Nessa-
Oh God, where to start.
Job: Making nine an hour now, that's nice. Still hate pizza, but I'm starting to think that if I quit, all my friends will starve :). I can't quit until the summer because my boss is losing all of his employees, and as often as everyone says 'Look out for you and do what's best for yourself' I hate leaving someone in a pile of crap if I don't have to.
Car: I found a Del Sol that seemed to be a good deal.. the guy Ryan that I am trying to get it from is being such a pain in the ass about getting it checked out, among other things, that I am starting to think it's not worth it. If it's going to work out, its going to work out. I will continue to persist just a little bit more, I don't want to give up yet, but the money just keeps adding up to be too much.
Living status: Still with Angel. I found a three bedroom, two floor apartment/house that seemed like an awesome deal, 800 for a couple and 900 for three people. And that price includes utilities. It also comes with a couch, No pets, no partying, but I'm alright with that. I can't seem to find roommates fast enough, though, and I'm worried I'll miss my chance.
Living with Angelique is great, as always, but I'm just starting to get tired of the small things. Can't watch anything on Sunday that isn't deemed "Sunday appropriate", no boys in the bedrooms, keep it down past nine because the baby is asleep in the basement... I want to have my own place so badly.
Valentines is in a few days.. I think this is the first one that I will be spending alone since I was about thirteen years old. I'm alright with that, but it's still going to live up to its 'Single's Awareness Day' status.
It's odd being single. I'm sure I could find someone that would want to spend the day with me, and I'd probably have a lot of fun.. but all I can really say is that I'm glad I work that day and am considering asking my boss to let me pull a double :P
It's like Dane Cook says.. when you are single it's like everyone else is at a party.. and you are outside that party, looking through the window, standing in the rain, thinking "Nobody invited me to this party.."
And when you are with someone, you are inside the party going "Where is my damn jacket, I've been at this party WAY too long, get me the hell out of here!!"
I've been talking with my brother a lot lately.. I miss him, hell, I always miss him. He's hiding in some desert right now, playing hazmat gooney because he decided to laugh at an officer whilst being chewed out. Got to hand it to my brother.. he can be a real idiot sometimes.
He said that I have until he comes home next to get my life in order, or else he's going to do it for me, his way. I'm a little frightened, I have to admit. Kendall can be.. overwhelming, sometimes.
Tattoos: I've been searching for ways to rip off my first one while pining to get a second.. we all know that I've been wanting a scorpion of sorts for a very long time now. I know they switched around the horoscope dates, and apparently I'm some sap of a Libra now, but I've been a Scorpio most of my life, and I don't care that they've changed them, I want my scorpion tattoo.
It also looks like it's going on my ribs.. I can't seem to find a more convenient place to put it. I want it out of the way, and somewhere most people won't accidentally see it. But I want it.
Gotta get rich first though ;)
I'm going to take this opportunity to post that Alyse's blog is akagoodman.blogspot.com just because i was busy being a retard and didn't actually know what the URL was. I haven't read her blogs in months because of this stupid oversight.
So if anyone else was being silly like me, there you go.
I guess I can talk about Devin a little bit..
I don't know if I've mentioned him. Actually, I'm sure I have, at least once.
I just want to throw in that I'm really grateful for him right now. He's been an enduring friend, which has been exactly what I've been needing as of late.
To clear up any.. speculation, Devin is not my boyfriend. He lives at my house, since his parents kicked him out, and we spend the majority of our time together due to that. He takes me to work now, so I don't have to wake my dad up at ungodly hours to run me over to 5 Buck.
He works graveyards up at Macey's too, so sometimes I will be getting him out of bed just five minutes after he has laid down to go to sleep.
It's at these times that I realize I need to be grateful for the friends I have, and for what they do for me.
I can say the same about my 'family'. (Angel's family, I refer to them as mine now, just so you all know.)
Just yesterday I was flipping out about my car, and what on earth I was going to do without one for much longer. At the dinner table the car situation was briefly discussed, and everyone jumped in to help me. Tai, another renter and Gaelen's best buddy, offered me a friends help to check out the car, Garn offered his car to help me get where I needed to go, and then called his dad to help as well.
They are just the most selfless, loving, wonderful bunch of people. Their giving nature astounds me over and over again.
For instance, I broke a very important rule a few days ago, and Garn was the one to catch me. When I finally go the chance to apologize to him, I felt like just like a child who was about to be punished.
I told him I was wrong, it had been disrespectful of me, and that I was very ashamed of myself, which is the honest truth. Instead of.. reacting negatively, which is what I was expecting, he walked over to me and hugged me. He told me it was okay, and that he thought no less of me for it, that, in fact, he thought very highly of me. He said we all make mistakes, and he said he understands that.
He also did me the courtesy of not telling Papa Penrod what had happened. His "I didn't see the need to tell him, since it was a one time thing." was a half rebuke, but at the same time, he was giving me the chance to prove that his kindness wouldn't go unappreciated.
Which it won't.
Also, his wife, Heidi. I was up late last night, just making food and reading, and she had left some of her notes and lists on the counter, along with notes from what I assume was a lesson in church the past Sunday. I wasn't meaning to snoop or anything like that, but I noticed two things on her list that really spoke to me.
One said "Ask Garn how work went, and really listen to him." Another, "Compliment everyone at the house at least once every day."
Two days ago she had sent me a text, out of the blue, telling me how pretty my hair looked, and how she had kept forgetting to tell me with how busy she had been that day, but she just wanted me to know.
Honestly.. two of the best people I know. Heidi is such a wonderful mother, and Garn astounds me with his unshakable faith in the church and its teachings.
Just.. I love my family, okay? Don't make fun of me haha.
Ohhh I should talk about religion.
So my friend Ryan recently left on his mission , and Megan and I went to his talk in church for his farewell. While I was there.. I felt oddly at peace. Not because of the church or anything, but because I have recently been able to come to grips with my religious stance.
I don't find a need to belong anymore. I don't feel the need to impress, but I also don't feel the need to act out and be visibly different from what the average Mormon should be. I am myself, and while other people will judge, as is our human nature.. I'm just more okay with myself.
I noticed this again when I went to see my Dad talk in church. Few ward members actually recognized me I looked so different (I'm sure that had something to do with me lacking a spiked, pitch black hair-do and wearing about a pound less make-up). But the ones who noticed me said hi, gave me hugs, and seemed genuinely interested in how I was doing.
So there you go, I've transitioned into a more comfortable state. Yay me.
I miss all of you. I'm hoping to see Cameron this weekend. Last time I saw Cori it was on Alyse's birthday when we went to the hot springs, which was forever ago. And Alyse and I never get the chance to hang out anymore since I can't get over to her house to see her.
Jorden is working two jobs trying to take care of his momma to be and two baby boys, and Sam.. well, you know how that goes.
Well, time to go clean up 5 Buck. Hope you are all doing well, keep blogging!!!
-Nessa-
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I Find It Funny
I find it funny that all I ever listen to anymore when I am alone is instrumental music. Piano, violin, that sort of thing. It's extremely soothing, and it feels like the only way I can wind down and have time to myself properly without stressing out about something.
Life has just been going, as usual. That seems to always be what I post. I've lived. The sun rose yesterday. Just like it has ever day for all nineteen and some years of my existence.
I work more these days, but I'm getting fed up with the fact that, at basically any other job in the world, if I worked the hours I'm working for Five Buck, I would be filthy rich instead of dirt poor, and be getting paid overtime like I should be.
I don't have too much to blog about.. I simply feel like I have utterly neglected to blog in the recent past. I'm down to less than one blog a month.
Things used to be exciting around here.
Ah, Christmas.
I spent the day with Angelique's family, since my mom was working like she has for three years now. I think my dad just slept the whole day and organized things. He gave me a call to wish me Merry Christmas, but that was about it.
I had some hair-brained half made plan to drive to California to spend Christmas with my brother, but I formed it too late to make actual, plausible plans. I missed him very much, and was really sad that he wasn't able to come home for Christmas this year.
On the other hand, my friend Zack is home from his Navy Seal training until the first, and it has been really good seeing him the couple of times that I have gotten to.
Sam and I.. well, there is no Sam and I. I was seeing this guy Devin for a while, but that just got unnecessarily complicated, so I put an end to it. Dating doesn't seem to be in the cards for me right now, and I suppose, after being in relationships constantly since I was about thirteen, I can live with that and not die.
School is just one more question on the list. I'm debating between that and a new/second job, and with the way I have been procrastinating about signing up, I think my decision has basically been made for me.
I'm still up in Cedar Hills living with Angelique, and that is going really well, I love it here.
HOpe you all are doing good.
-Nessa-
Life has just been going, as usual. That seems to always be what I post. I've lived. The sun rose yesterday. Just like it has ever day for all nineteen and some years of my existence.
I work more these days, but I'm getting fed up with the fact that, at basically any other job in the world, if I worked the hours I'm working for Five Buck, I would be filthy rich instead of dirt poor, and be getting paid overtime like I should be.
I don't have too much to blog about.. I simply feel like I have utterly neglected to blog in the recent past. I'm down to less than one blog a month.
Things used to be exciting around here.
Ah, Christmas.
I spent the day with Angelique's family, since my mom was working like she has for three years now. I think my dad just slept the whole day and organized things. He gave me a call to wish me Merry Christmas, but that was about it.
I had some hair-brained half made plan to drive to California to spend Christmas with my brother, but I formed it too late to make actual, plausible plans. I missed him very much, and was really sad that he wasn't able to come home for Christmas this year.
On the other hand, my friend Zack is home from his Navy Seal training until the first, and it has been really good seeing him the couple of times that I have gotten to.
Sam and I.. well, there is no Sam and I. I was seeing this guy Devin for a while, but that just got unnecessarily complicated, so I put an end to it. Dating doesn't seem to be in the cards for me right now, and I suppose, after being in relationships constantly since I was about thirteen, I can live with that and not die.
School is just one more question on the list. I'm debating between that and a new/second job, and with the way I have been procrastinating about signing up, I think my decision has basically been made for me.
I'm still up in Cedar Hills living with Angelique, and that is going really well, I love it here.
HOpe you all are doing good.
-Nessa-
Monday, November 15, 2010
As November moves along..
It's weird, I'm happier and more at peace these days than I have been in months, but at the same time, I'm more uptight and anxious and stressed than I can ever remember being.
The Sam and I broke up.. Yeah, I guess you could call it a break-up. We got our relationship straightened out a few days after he got home, and now call it friends.. with a beneficial side I suppose.
Either way, it's not like I really see him at all anymore.
The Car Situation.
After fighting with my parents for two weeks, pulling my hair out over loans and borrowing money and robbing banks and becoming a drug dealer (Hey, you think irrationally when you're desperate) I have finally submitted to the inevitable.
My dad bought back my car from the salvage yard, and is having it fixed up. He didn't tell me this until, after one huge fight, I said something dumb like I didn't want to acknowledge him as my father anymore. Yes, yes, stupid and irrational, I know.
Point being, he told me he had bought the car back, and, while repairing it is going to cost 1,100 dollars, I was given the option of paying that to my parents in cash, in full, and having the car back.
I have also recently found my own car insurance.
So now, I have to come up with eleven hundred dollars, punch myself in the face a couple bajillion times.. and finally get back to life.
Won't that be nice?
Or I can plunge myself into the depths of debt, due to the fact that I am a creditless (almost)nineteen year old girl with no co-signer for a loan.
Yeeahhhh... think I'll just buy back the damn car.
Birthday. Yeah, I'm going to be nineteen on Wednesday. Do I care? No. Why?
BECAUSE HARRY POTTER SEVEN PART 1 IS COMING OUT THE NIGHT AFTER!!!!
I am perfectly alright with having my birthday eclipsed by this most auspicious of events :) I'm going to be the nerd dressed up as Bellatrix Lestrange. (Sadly I couldn't get her wand, it's sold out until late November, but there's always Part 2 in July :D)
In other news... I've been working a ton, and while having to call my parents ever single day and remind them that I need rides everywhere is annoying, I'm grateful that I have been able to get everywhere I've needed to go without much hassle.
Megan has been extremely generous in offering me rides home from work, and Devin has as well. Let's hear it for kick ass friends, yes?
Sunday is now my only day off, and working two jobs, while busy, is actually a lot easier and a lot more fun than I expected.
School. I want to tell you about that.
So I went over to Hayleigh's house for Sunday dinner a week ago, and her dad started off on the subject of education. I found out that, as long as Angelique's dad doesn't claim me as his dependent on his next tax return, I am extremely eligible for a Pell Grant. I don't want to be claimed because, as long as I'm not, I am technically considered 'poor' and, thereby, more eligible.
So, basically, here's the plan. Go to UVU and get all my generals out of the way, taking the easiest classes that I can, and working hard to get good grades. About two years out I should be finished, and will have been repeatedly applying for the Pell Grant within that time period.
Get Pell Grant, go to superawesomespecialfantasticepictacularlywonderful vet school, and finally have a life and a plan and a future ahead of me, doing something that I know I will love to do forever, considering animals have always been my passion.
Sure, there's a lot more investigating to do, and this isn't going to be a 'cake and pie' idea, but.. it just feels good to have a plan. To have something that I wanna do, even if it doesn't come about just the way I want it to.
Goals were never a bad thing to have.
Only thing about the school idea, I will be going out of state to find myself the best education that I can so.. that will be a little scary if and when that happens. Oh well. Just one more adventure! :D
Let's see here.. no kids.. no deaths in the family.. no new drama.. not much drama anyway..
Zack is coming home for Christmas, that is going to be awesome :). I don't know if you guys know who Zack is, I used to work with him and we stayed friends up until he left for the Navy Seals..
I get to spend Christmas with Angel's family, that is going to be a total blast :) And Thanksgiving :)
Yeah, not much else going on in my life. Keep posting guys, I love hearing from you.
Hearts and fuzzies.
-Nessa-
The Sam and I broke up.. Yeah, I guess you could call it a break-up. We got our relationship straightened out a few days after he got home, and now call it friends.. with a beneficial side I suppose.
Either way, it's not like I really see him at all anymore.
The Car Situation.
After fighting with my parents for two weeks, pulling my hair out over loans and borrowing money and robbing banks and becoming a drug dealer (Hey, you think irrationally when you're desperate) I have finally submitted to the inevitable.
My dad bought back my car from the salvage yard, and is having it fixed up. He didn't tell me this until, after one huge fight, I said something dumb like I didn't want to acknowledge him as my father anymore. Yes, yes, stupid and irrational, I know.
Point being, he told me he had bought the car back, and, while repairing it is going to cost 1,100 dollars, I was given the option of paying that to my parents in cash, in full, and having the car back.
I have also recently found my own car insurance.
So now, I have to come up with eleven hundred dollars, punch myself in the face a couple bajillion times.. and finally get back to life.
Won't that be nice?
Or I can plunge myself into the depths of debt, due to the fact that I am a creditless (almost)nineteen year old girl with no co-signer for a loan.
Yeeahhhh... think I'll just buy back the damn car.
Birthday. Yeah, I'm going to be nineteen on Wednesday. Do I care? No. Why?
BECAUSE HARRY POTTER SEVEN PART 1 IS COMING OUT THE NIGHT AFTER!!!!
I am perfectly alright with having my birthday eclipsed by this most auspicious of events :) I'm going to be the nerd dressed up as Bellatrix Lestrange. (Sadly I couldn't get her wand, it's sold out until late November, but there's always Part 2 in July :D)
In other news... I've been working a ton, and while having to call my parents ever single day and remind them that I need rides everywhere is annoying, I'm grateful that I have been able to get everywhere I've needed to go without much hassle.
Megan has been extremely generous in offering me rides home from work, and Devin has as well. Let's hear it for kick ass friends, yes?
Sunday is now my only day off, and working two jobs, while busy, is actually a lot easier and a lot more fun than I expected.
School. I want to tell you about that.
So I went over to Hayleigh's house for Sunday dinner a week ago, and her dad started off on the subject of education. I found out that, as long as Angelique's dad doesn't claim me as his dependent on his next tax return, I am extremely eligible for a Pell Grant. I don't want to be claimed because, as long as I'm not, I am technically considered 'poor' and, thereby, more eligible.
So, basically, here's the plan. Go to UVU and get all my generals out of the way, taking the easiest classes that I can, and working hard to get good grades. About two years out I should be finished, and will have been repeatedly applying for the Pell Grant within that time period.
Get Pell Grant, go to superawesomespecialfantasticepictacularlywonderful vet school, and finally have a life and a plan and a future ahead of me, doing something that I know I will love to do forever, considering animals have always been my passion.
Sure, there's a lot more investigating to do, and this isn't going to be a 'cake and pie' idea, but.. it just feels good to have a plan. To have something that I wanna do, even if it doesn't come about just the way I want it to.
Goals were never a bad thing to have.
Only thing about the school idea, I will be going out of state to find myself the best education that I can so.. that will be a little scary if and when that happens. Oh well. Just one more adventure! :D
Let's see here.. no kids.. no deaths in the family.. no new drama.. not much drama anyway..
Zack is coming home for Christmas, that is going to be awesome :). I don't know if you guys know who Zack is, I used to work with him and we stayed friends up until he left for the Navy Seals..
I get to spend Christmas with Angel's family, that is going to be a total blast :) And Thanksgiving :)
Yeah, not much else going on in my life. Keep posting guys, I love hearing from you.
Hearts and fuzzies.
-Nessa-
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I hate clever titles
Samuel Tooley is offically home as of November 3rd (today) at approximately eight pm! I thought I would let you all know, you will most likely notice him around via Facebook or other channels.
Life remains the same. I'm having a bit of a battle with depression, but nothing that can't be overcome. It's simply frustrating to deal with, and I'm sure that once I realize what a ninny I am being, it will stop.
The car hunt goes on.. Oh wait. Did I tell you I totaled my car? Shit. Picture time, and story time.
(Unless I am very much mistaken, the pictures that posted came out flipping huge. If that is the case, well, you get a very in depth view of my car, and even though I had them set to post as small as I could.. what can I say, my phone camera is just awesome. Right click then open in a new tab or window and you can see them better.)
Oh, and I flipping hate html. Period.
Okay, depending on how well you know your way around town, you may or may not know what I am talking about.
Southwest side of Timpanogas Temple. It's a two way stop, the thru street being a blind hill that people just race up and over.
Anyway, I had stopped at the stop sign heading down to American Fork, checked both ways, proceeded and BAM, a huge jeep flies out of nowhere and slams straight into the right side of my car. Completely totaled, if the pictures don't make that clear enough. (Assuming I get the pictures to work..)
That was last Wednesday. I've been so stressed about everything that I haven't thought to post before now. I'm fine, my passenger Devin was fine, although if the car had run into us a few moments earlier I might still have a car, but a dead best friend. I prefer the smushed car, by far.
The next hour was just a nightmare. I was shaking, half from adrenaline and half from the cold, and I just couldn't seem to remember what happened well enough. The paper work was all basic, but eventually Devin took it away from me and got it finished up; I was seriously just gone.
I actually owe Devin a lot. He stayed with me during and after the accident. I felt like I was falling apart and he helped me keep it together. Let's hear it for great friends, right?
So, now I'm working more than ever, finally up to forty hours a week between two jobs. I have to be at work at seven two times a week. I know, so awful, right? I can do it just fine though, even without sleep. I have to save up the money to help pay off a new car though.
My dad has been looking into salvage title cars (sketchy, but I trust his meticulous attitude towards everything to help him find something halfway decent). He has also been talking about selling me the car he already owns, the our little Honda Civic Del Sol. That would be unbelievably cool.
I got my ticket for Harry Potter, although I'm sure that I've already told you that. I love that I'm putting more thought and effort into my costume for the premiere than I did for Halloween this month.
Well, I'm pretty sure that's about it. Hope you are all doing well.
Cam, your girlfriend is lovely, if you haven't already read my comment on her.
Jorden, I'm so happy for you and Miss Alexis :) And I'm excited for your babies to come :)
-Nessa-
Life remains the same. I'm having a bit of a battle with depression, but nothing that can't be overcome. It's simply frustrating to deal with, and I'm sure that once I realize what a ninny I am being, it will stop.
The car hunt goes on.. Oh wait. Did I tell you I totaled my car? Shit. Picture time, and story time.
(Unless I am very much mistaken, the pictures that posted came out flipping huge. If that is the case, well, you get a very in depth view of my car, and even though I had them set to post as small as I could.. what can I say, my phone camera is just awesome. Right click then open in a new tab or window and you can see them better.)
Oh, and I flipping hate html. Period.
Okay, depending on how well you know your way around town, you may or may not know what I am talking about.
Southwest side of Timpanogas Temple. It's a two way stop, the thru street being a blind hill that people just race up and over.
Anyway, I had stopped at the stop sign heading down to American Fork, checked both ways, proceeded and BAM, a huge jeep flies out of nowhere and slams straight into the right side of my car. Completely totaled, if the pictures don't make that clear enough. (Assuming I get the pictures to work..)
That was last Wednesday. I've been so stressed about everything that I haven't thought to post before now. I'm fine, my passenger Devin was fine, although if the car had run into us a few moments earlier I might still have a car, but a dead best friend. I prefer the smushed car, by far.
The next hour was just a nightmare. I was shaking, half from adrenaline and half from the cold, and I just couldn't seem to remember what happened well enough. The paper work was all basic, but eventually Devin took it away from me and got it finished up; I was seriously just gone.
I actually owe Devin a lot. He stayed with me during and after the accident. I felt like I was falling apart and he helped me keep it together. Let's hear it for great friends, right?
So, now I'm working more than ever, finally up to forty hours a week between two jobs. I have to be at work at seven two times a week. I know, so awful, right? I can do it just fine though, even without sleep. I have to save up the money to help pay off a new car though.
My dad has been looking into salvage title cars (sketchy, but I trust his meticulous attitude towards everything to help him find something halfway decent). He has also been talking about selling me the car he already owns, the our little Honda Civic Del Sol. That would be unbelievably cool.
I got my ticket for Harry Potter, although I'm sure that I've already told you that. I love that I'm putting more thought and effort into my costume for the premiere than I did for Halloween this month.
Well, I'm pretty sure that's about it. Hope you are all doing well.
Cam, your girlfriend is lovely, if you haven't already read my comment on her.
Jorden, I'm so happy for you and Miss Alexis :) And I'm excited for your babies to come :)
-Nessa-
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I consider this a momentous occasion
I have been employed by 5 Buck pizza for two and a half years, almost exactly.
(Before any of you start thinking this.. no.. sadly, I did not quit or anything epic like that.)
But only slightly less interesting than a dramatic fight with my boss in which I toss my shirt on the ground and walk through the doors into a blazing sunset shining of freedom...
Is the fact that I took my first delivery today :)
It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, and the lady handed me exact change and a four dollar tip.
Yes, I really am blogging about a pizza delivery, okay? I'm proud of myself.
But the address was wrong so the house I stopped at, the lady who lived there goes to give me directions and pulls out the most hardcore ward map I've ever seen in my life! Sheesh, who needs street view on Google Maps when you've got something that detailed..
So she sent me on my way to a rest home down the street, and life was peachy.
Aside from the pointlessness above, I do believe I haven't anything more to add to the benefit of society.
Have a lovely day, a wonderful evening, a fantabulous night, and sweet dreams when they come to you!
-Nessa-
(Before any of you start thinking this.. no.. sadly, I did not quit or anything epic like that.)
But only slightly less interesting than a dramatic fight with my boss in which I toss my shirt on the ground and walk through the doors into a blazing sunset shining of freedom...
Is the fact that I took my first delivery today :)
It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, and the lady handed me exact change and a four dollar tip.
Yes, I really am blogging about a pizza delivery, okay? I'm proud of myself.
But the address was wrong so the house I stopped at, the lady who lived there goes to give me directions and pulls out the most hardcore ward map I've ever seen in my life! Sheesh, who needs street view on Google Maps when you've got something that detailed..
So she sent me on my way to a rest home down the street, and life was peachy.
Aside from the pointlessness above, I do believe I haven't anything more to add to the benefit of society.
Have a lovely day, a wonderful evening, a fantabulous night, and sweet dreams when they come to you!
-Nessa-
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I like Cameron's idea
We should all buy webcams and make movies of ourselves every once and a while. I mean, you read everyone's blogs, and that's all fine and dandy, but hearing a familiar voice and seeing a familiar face seems more.. personal.
Besides, we're all friends here :)
In other news.. there is no news. Sam will be home before Halloween (Ya'll should get your costumed asses up here to see him).
Oh, right, my phone.
So I went to Lagoon yesterday and I had my phone in my pocket. Well, after the first roller coaster, it wasn't in my pocket anymore.
2,000 pictures and videos over the last two years of my life, gone in one fell swoop. All the apartment picture, Juke, Cameron in duck pjs, Sam wasted off his butt, Deena holding Mishka, the tattoo fest.. poof.
This makes me extremely angry.
I am now the proud owner of a G2, the sexy upgrade of my phone, but I am still in deep mourning for my old one. I still hold out hope that I will get a call from Lagoon saying they retrieved my phone in twenty three pieces and that one of those pieces has my media card, safe and intact.
Hopefully sometime soon I'll be in school like our dear Mr. Cameron.
Loves and hugs to you all.
-Nessa-
Besides, we're all friends here :)
In other news.. there is no news. Sam will be home before Halloween (Ya'll should get your costumed asses up here to see him).
Oh, right, my phone.
So I went to Lagoon yesterday and I had my phone in my pocket. Well, after the first roller coaster, it wasn't in my pocket anymore.
2,000 pictures and videos over the last two years of my life, gone in one fell swoop. All the apartment picture, Juke, Cameron in duck pjs, Sam wasted off his butt, Deena holding Mishka, the tattoo fest.. poof.
This makes me extremely angry.
I am now the proud owner of a G2, the sexy upgrade of my phone, but I am still in deep mourning for my old one. I still hold out hope that I will get a call from Lagoon saying they retrieved my phone in twenty three pieces and that one of those pieces has my media card, safe and intact.
Hopefully sometime soon I'll be in school like our dear Mr. Cameron.
Loves and hugs to you all.
-Nessa-
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
When Life Comes Full Circle
It's interesting to see the way life takes its twists and turns. People come and go, things start and end, and you say 'It's such a small world' entirely too much by the close of the day.
But today something interesting happened. A person I swore to myself I would never see or trust as a friend again came back into my life, and I saw what I thought I'd never see.
He's different.
And we'll call him Taylor. (Him, he, and 'that guy' get annoying to type over and over again.)
Cam, you'll probably remember when Sam and I broke up because of a letter that was sent to my family, about six months into our relationship. You helped talked Sam through that, at the apartment, and the end result was Sam deciding to stay with me. You played a large role in that, and I don't know if I ever said thank you for it.
This guy, Tayor, was the one who, in part, wrote that letter.
I had written Taylor off as the most manipulative, deceitful, self serving person I have ever met. Through friends I kept tabs on him at a distance, for a year and a half after the.. 'letter incident'. Most of what I heard about him only reinforced my decision to keep him out of my life forever.
Taylor and I started talking not to long ago, as we had for brief periods over the year and a half of estrangement, and I thought the same things I always did. 'He wants something from me, what's he gaining from this, be careful, Jenessa, be careful."
And I always was. I still am.
But today, I am pretty sure that I got as close to an apology as he was capable of, for what he did.
An apology was all I ever wanted. The incriminating letter had been the culmination of two people putting their heads together and writing out everything I had ever done that could get me in trouble with my parents, and out of a relationship with Sam. The other involve-ee had already said sorry, in what I felt was a legitimately sincere and heart-felt way. I never saw nor further sought a reason to hold them accountable for what they had done after that.
It was an eye-for-an-eye situation anyway.
But I held onto my grudge against my Taylor. I never let go what he had done to my life, neither did Sam, and I feel we were both justified in our anger and mistrust.
And after all the time that passed, I just wanted Taylor to, at the very least, acknowledge that what he did was wrong. His reasoning behind it was sound; he was a friend worried for another friend's safety and happiness. But there was an edge of jealousy and vengeance to the letter he sent. And I wanted an apology for taking all my trust in him, and throwing that, along with three years of close friendship, back in my face.
He finally admitted he was wrong.
Right here, right now, I feel torn. I feel like I am letting down the defenses I held on to for so long, that I am allowing myself to be drawn back in to Taylor's gravitational pull.
But I will no longer deny the piece of me that wants to know he's changed. Taylor is still the same person, with all the thoughts, feelings, and intentions that he always had. But I want to recognize that bit of him that will now recognize himself as he was.. and the bit of him that wants to no longer be that way.
I am still saying to myself "Be careful, Jenessa, be careful."
But I am also giving Taylor the benefit of the doubt. This is something my father always gave me, and, whether or not I deserved it, I was always grateful for it. I hope he can use it for the betterment of himself and our friendship.
It's like the past has come around to the future, and a pathway I long ago blocked can now be seen again through the trees.
It is worn, unkempt, and dilapidated, but I think there is hope yet.
I hope Taylor can show me that he can be the person I knew so many years ago. They say people don't change, and maybe they don't. Most certainly not him.
But I am praying to be proved wrong.
Because, as much as I hate to say it, I missed a very good friend, for a very long time, and I am so, so...tired. Tired of hating him for things that should no longer have to matter.
I have no one to blame but myself should things go wrong. I will put no one else in the path of potential devastation that I will walk, and I ask no one to be beside me who does not wish to be.
But I truly, truly hope that the past will stay where it belongs, and that the saying 'turning over a new leaf' can actually become a reality.
You're all allowed to say "I told you so."
Just to let you know.
-Nessa-
But today something interesting happened. A person I swore to myself I would never see or trust as a friend again came back into my life, and I saw what I thought I'd never see.
He's different.
And we'll call him Taylor. (Him, he, and 'that guy' get annoying to type over and over again.)
Cam, you'll probably remember when Sam and I broke up because of a letter that was sent to my family, about six months into our relationship. You helped talked Sam through that, at the apartment, and the end result was Sam deciding to stay with me. You played a large role in that, and I don't know if I ever said thank you for it.
This guy, Tayor, was the one who, in part, wrote that letter.
I had written Taylor off as the most manipulative, deceitful, self serving person I have ever met. Through friends I kept tabs on him at a distance, for a year and a half after the.. 'letter incident'. Most of what I heard about him only reinforced my decision to keep him out of my life forever.
Taylor and I started talking not to long ago, as we had for brief periods over the year and a half of estrangement, and I thought the same things I always did. 'He wants something from me, what's he gaining from this, be careful, Jenessa, be careful."
And I always was. I still am.
But today, I am pretty sure that I got as close to an apology as he was capable of, for what he did.
An apology was all I ever wanted. The incriminating letter had been the culmination of two people putting their heads together and writing out everything I had ever done that could get me in trouble with my parents, and out of a relationship with Sam. The other involve-ee had already said sorry, in what I felt was a legitimately sincere and heart-felt way. I never saw nor further sought a reason to hold them accountable for what they had done after that.
It was an eye-for-an-eye situation anyway.
But I held onto my grudge against my Taylor. I never let go what he had done to my life, neither did Sam, and I feel we were both justified in our anger and mistrust.
And after all the time that passed, I just wanted Taylor to, at the very least, acknowledge that what he did was wrong. His reasoning behind it was sound; he was a friend worried for another friend's safety and happiness. But there was an edge of jealousy and vengeance to the letter he sent. And I wanted an apology for taking all my trust in him, and throwing that, along with three years of close friendship, back in my face.
He finally admitted he was wrong.
Right here, right now, I feel torn. I feel like I am letting down the defenses I held on to for so long, that I am allowing myself to be drawn back in to Taylor's gravitational pull.
But I will no longer deny the piece of me that wants to know he's changed. Taylor is still the same person, with all the thoughts, feelings, and intentions that he always had. But I want to recognize that bit of him that will now recognize himself as he was.. and the bit of him that wants to no longer be that way.
I am still saying to myself "Be careful, Jenessa, be careful."
But I am also giving Taylor the benefit of the doubt. This is something my father always gave me, and, whether or not I deserved it, I was always grateful for it. I hope he can use it for the betterment of himself and our friendship.
It's like the past has come around to the future, and a pathway I long ago blocked can now be seen again through the trees.
It is worn, unkempt, and dilapidated, but I think there is hope yet.
I hope Taylor can show me that he can be the person I knew so many years ago. They say people don't change, and maybe they don't. Most certainly not him.
But I am praying to be proved wrong.
Because, as much as I hate to say it, I missed a very good friend, for a very long time, and I am so, so...tired. Tired of hating him for things that should no longer have to matter.
I have no one to blame but myself should things go wrong. I will put no one else in the path of potential devastation that I will walk, and I ask no one to be beside me who does not wish to be.
But I truly, truly hope that the past will stay where it belongs, and that the saying 'turning over a new leaf' can actually become a reality.
You're all allowed to say "I told you so."
Just to let you know.
-Nessa-
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Sam is coming home.
So, bloggers, aside from this being my one-hundredth something blog..
Sam is coming home.
I don't know a whole bunch of details, but he's getting separated and will probably be home in another two or three weeks.
His knee wouldn't heal, and he was starting to have pain from stress in his shins also; his body just couldn't handle the physical strain, by the sound of it.
I'm sad about this. I had hoped that he'd found his niche and could finally get going on his life. He wasn't sure if he would be going back to the military after coming home and being given time to rest. I'm just hoping that he calls me back and gives me more details.
Such is life. I don't know what is going to happen when he gets home, though.
*sigh*
I really just don't know.
I thought I'd let everyone know, though. And I'll post again, possibly later today if he ever calls back, to let you know what's going on.
Love you all!
-Nessa-
Sam is coming home.
I don't know a whole bunch of details, but he's getting separated and will probably be home in another two or three weeks.
His knee wouldn't heal, and he was starting to have pain from stress in his shins also; his body just couldn't handle the physical strain, by the sound of it.
I'm sad about this. I had hoped that he'd found his niche and could finally get going on his life. He wasn't sure if he would be going back to the military after coming home and being given time to rest. I'm just hoping that he calls me back and gives me more details.
Such is life. I don't know what is going to happen when he gets home, though.
*sigh*
I really just don't know.
I thought I'd let everyone know, though. And I'll post again, possibly later today if he ever calls back, to let you know what's going on.
Love you all!
-Nessa-
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Someone take my mind off 'repeat'
Really, I'm getting tired of this. I'm tired of hurting over things that don't matter, and do matter, and the things I wish could matter.
I am tired of not knowing what to do with Sam. I don't know if I want to marry him, or date him, or break up with him, I have NO IDEA what to do.
He said that he wanted to marry me when I went to see him in Texas, and I said I wasn't sure what I wanted and asked if I could date.
Now I'm all torn up about this other guy that I got my hopes up about, and I feel like everything is wrong inside me.
I thought I knew who and what I wanted in my life. I really did. Then Sam left for the military and nothing is the same. It's like my feelings change every other ten minutes. First I miss him, love him, want him, then I am considering the fact that breaking it off might be the more sensible thing to do, for both of us.
I feel like slamming my head into a wall.
And drama.. sucks balls. No matter how far you try to run from it, or ignore it, or deal with it, it always rears its ugly head right at the time that you want it the least.
I'm sorry, I'm just really tired, extremely sad, terribly emotional, and just messed up over everything right now. Thanks for letting me get some of it out
Love you guys, hope you are all doing well.
xo
-Nessa-
I am tired of not knowing what to do with Sam. I don't know if I want to marry him, or date him, or break up with him, I have NO IDEA what to do.
He said that he wanted to marry me when I went to see him in Texas, and I said I wasn't sure what I wanted and asked if I could date.
Now I'm all torn up about this other guy that I got my hopes up about, and I feel like everything is wrong inside me.
I thought I knew who and what I wanted in my life. I really did. Then Sam left for the military and nothing is the same. It's like my feelings change every other ten minutes. First I miss him, love him, want him, then I am considering the fact that breaking it off might be the more sensible thing to do, for both of us.
I feel like slamming my head into a wall.
And drama.. sucks balls. No matter how far you try to run from it, or ignore it, or deal with it, it always rears its ugly head right at the time that you want it the least.
I'm sorry, I'm just really tired, extremely sad, terribly emotional, and just messed up over everything right now. Thanks for letting me get some of it out
Love you guys, hope you are all doing well.
xo
-Nessa-
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I have a question.
What is your honest opinion.
You are in love. You feel like you've found the one for you.
You also think you're too young.
But you don't want to go too much longer without knowing they are yours.
What do you do?
You are in love. You feel like you've found the one for you.
You also think you're too young.
But you don't want to go too much longer without knowing they are yours.
What do you do?
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