I Find It Funny

I find it funny that all I ever listen to anymore when I am alone is instrumental music. Piano, violin, that sort of thing. It's extremely soothing, and it feels like the only way I can wind down and have time to myself properly without stressing out about something.
Life has just been going, as usual. That seems to always be what I post. I've lived. The sun rose yesterday. Just like it has ever day for all nineteen and some years of my existence.
I work more these days, but I'm getting fed up with the fact that, at basically any other job in the world, if I worked the hours I'm working for Five Buck, I would be filthy rich instead of dirt poor, and be getting paid overtime like I should be.
I don't have too much to blog about.. I simply feel like I have utterly neglected to blog in the recent past. I'm down to less than one blog a month.
Things used to be exciting around here.
Ah, Christmas.
I spent the day with Angelique's family, since my mom was working like she has for three years now. I think my dad just slept the whole day and organized things. He gave me a call to wish me Merry Christmas, but that was about it.
I had some hair-brained half made plan to drive to California to spend Christmas with my brother, but I formed it too late to make actual, plausible plans. I missed him very much, and was really sad that he wasn't able to come home for Christmas this year.
On the other hand, my friend Zack is home from his Navy Seal training until the first, and it has been really good seeing him the couple of times that I have gotten to.
Sam and I.. well, there is no Sam and I. I was seeing this guy Devin for a while, but that just got unnecessarily complicated, so I put an end to it. Dating doesn't seem to be in the cards for me right now, and I suppose, after being in relationships constantly since I was about thirteen, I can live with that and not die.
School is just one more question on the list. I'm debating between that and a new/second job, and with the way I have been procrastinating about signing up, I think my decision has basically been made for me.
I'm still up in Cedar Hills living with Angelique, and that is going really well, I love it here.
HOpe you all are doing good.
-Nessa-

As November moves along..

It's weird, I'm happier and more at peace these days than I have been in months, but at the same time, I'm more uptight and anxious and stressed than I can ever remember being.
The Sam and I broke up.. Yeah, I guess you could call it a break-up. We got our relationship straightened out a few days after he got home, and now call it friends.. with a beneficial side I suppose.
Either way, it's not like I really see him at all anymore.

The Car Situation.
After fighting with my parents for two weeks, pulling my hair out over loans and borrowing money and robbing banks and becoming a drug dealer (Hey, you think irrationally when you're desperate) I have finally submitted to the inevitable.
My dad bought back my car from the salvage yard, and is having it fixed up. He didn't tell me this until, after one huge fight, I said something dumb like I didn't want to acknowledge him as my father anymore. Yes, yes, stupid and irrational, I know.
Point being, he told me he had bought the car back, and, while repairing it is going to cost 1,100 dollars, I was given the option of paying that to my parents in cash, in full, and having the car back.
I have also recently found my own car insurance.
So now, I have to come up with eleven hundred dollars, punch myself in the face a couple bajillion times.. and finally get back to life.
Won't that be nice?
Or I can plunge myself into the depths of debt, due to the fact that I am a creditless (almost)nineteen year old girl with no co-signer for a loan.
Yeeahhhh... think I'll just buy back the damn car.

Birthday. Yeah, I'm going to be nineteen on Wednesday. Do I care? No. Why?
BECAUSE HARRY POTTER SEVEN PART 1 IS COMING OUT THE NIGHT AFTER!!!!
I am perfectly alright with having my birthday eclipsed by this most auspicious of events :) I'm going to be the nerd dressed up as Bellatrix Lestrange. (Sadly I couldn't get her wand, it's sold out until late November, but there's always Part 2 in July :D)

In other news... I've been working a ton, and while having to call my parents ever single day and remind them that I need rides everywhere is annoying, I'm grateful that I have been able to get everywhere I've needed to go without much hassle.
Megan has been extremely generous in offering me rides home from work, and Devin has as well. Let's hear it for kick ass friends, yes?
Sunday is now my only day off, and working two jobs, while busy, is actually a lot easier and a lot more fun than I expected.

School. I want to tell you about that.
So I went over to Hayleigh's house for Sunday dinner a week ago, and her dad started off on the subject of education. I found out that, as long as Angelique's dad doesn't claim me as his dependent on his next tax return, I am extremely eligible for a Pell Grant. I don't want to be claimed because, as long as I'm not, I am technically considered 'poor' and, thereby, more eligible.
So, basically, here's the plan. Go to UVU and get all my generals out of the way, taking the easiest classes that I can, and working hard to get good grades. About two years out I should be finished, and will have been repeatedly applying for the Pell Grant within that time period.
Get Pell Grant, go to superawesomespecialfantasticepictacularlywonderful vet school, and finally have a life and a plan and a future ahead of me, doing something that I know I will love to do forever, considering animals have always been my passion.
Sure, there's a lot more investigating to do, and this isn't going to be a 'cake and pie' idea, but.. it just feels good to have a plan. To have something that I wanna do, even if it doesn't come about just the way I want it to.
Goals were never a bad thing to have.
Only thing about the school idea, I will be going out of state to find myself the best education that I can so.. that will be a little scary if and when that happens. Oh well. Just one more adventure! :D

Let's see here.. no kids.. no deaths in the family.. no new drama.. not much drama anyway..
Zack is coming home for Christmas, that is going to be awesome :). I don't know if you guys know who Zack is, I used to work with him and we stayed friends up until he left for the Navy Seals..
I get to spend Christmas with Angel's family, that is going to be a total blast :) And Thanksgiving :)

Yeah, not much else going on in my life. Keep posting guys, I love hearing from you.
Hearts and fuzzies.
-Nessa-

I hate clever titles

Samuel Tooley is offically home as of November 3rd (today) at approximately eight pm! I thought I would let you all know, you will most likely notice him around via Facebook or other channels.

Life remains the same. I'm having a bit of a battle with depression, but nothing that can't be overcome. It's simply frustrating to deal with, and I'm sure that once I realize what a ninny I am being, it will stop.
The car hunt goes on.. Oh wait. Did I tell you I totaled my car? Shit. Picture time, and story time.




(Unless I am very much mistaken, the pictures that posted came out flipping huge. If that is the case, well, you get a very in depth view of my car, and even though I had them set to post as small as I could.. what can I say, my phone camera is just awesome. Right click then open in a new tab or window and you can see them better.)
Oh, and I flipping hate html. Period.
Okay, depending on how well you know your way around town, you may or may not know what I am talking about.
Southwest side of Timpanogas Temple. It's a two way stop, the thru street being a blind hill that people just race up and over.
Anyway, I had stopped at the stop sign heading down to American Fork, checked both ways, proceeded and BAM, a huge jeep flies out of nowhere and slams straight into the right side of my car. Completely totaled, if the pictures don't make that clear enough. (Assuming I get the pictures to work..)
That was last Wednesday. I've been so stressed about everything that I haven't thought to post before now. I'm fine, my passenger Devin was fine, although if the car had run into us a few moments earlier I might still have a car, but a dead best friend. I prefer the smushed car, by far.
The next hour was just a nightmare. I was shaking, half from adrenaline and half from the cold, and I just couldn't seem to remember what happened well enough. The paper work was all basic, but eventually Devin took it away from me and got it finished up; I was seriously just gone.
I actually owe Devin a lot. He stayed with me during and after the accident. I felt like I was falling apart and he helped me keep it together. Let's hear it for great friends, right?

So, now I'm working more than ever, finally up to forty hours a week between two jobs. I have to be at work at seven two times a week. I know, so awful, right? I can do it just fine though, even without sleep. I have to save up the money to help pay off a new car though.
My dad has been looking into salvage title cars (sketchy, but I trust his meticulous attitude towards everything to help him find something halfway decent). He has also been talking about selling me the car he already owns, the our little Honda Civic Del Sol. That would be unbelievably cool.

I got my ticket for Harry Potter, although I'm sure that I've already told you that. I love that I'm putting more thought and effort into my costume for the premiere than I did for Halloween this month.

Well, I'm pretty sure that's about it. Hope you are all doing well.
Cam, your girlfriend is lovely, if you haven't already read my comment on her.
Jorden, I'm so happy for you and Miss Alexis :) And I'm excited for your babies to come :)

-Nessa-

I consider this a momentous occasion

I have been employed by 5 Buck pizza for two and a half years, almost exactly.
(Before any of you start thinking this.. no.. sadly, I did not quit or anything epic like that.)
But only slightly less interesting than a dramatic fight with my boss in which I toss my shirt on the ground and walk through the doors into a blazing sunset shining of freedom...
Is the fact that I took my first delivery today :)
It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, and the lady handed me exact change and a four dollar tip.
Yes, I really am blogging about a pizza delivery, okay? I'm proud of myself.
But the address was wrong so the house I stopped at, the lady who lived there goes to give me directions and pulls out the most hardcore ward map I've ever seen in my life! Sheesh, who needs street view on Google Maps when you've got something that detailed..
So she sent me on my way to a rest home down the street, and life was peachy.

Aside from the pointlessness above, I do believe I haven't anything more to add to the benefit of society.
Have a lovely day, a wonderful evening, a fantabulous night, and sweet dreams when they come to you!
-Nessa-

I like Cameron's idea

We should all buy webcams and make movies of ourselves every once and a while. I mean, you read everyone's blogs, and that's all fine and dandy, but hearing a familiar voice and seeing a familiar face seems more.. personal.
Besides, we're all friends here :)

In other news.. there is no news. Sam will be home before Halloween (Ya'll should get your costumed asses up here to see him).

Oh, right, my phone.
So I went to Lagoon yesterday and I had my phone in my pocket. Well, after the first roller coaster, it wasn't in my pocket anymore.
2,000 pictures and videos over the last two years of my life, gone in one fell swoop. All the apartment picture, Juke, Cameron in duck pjs, Sam wasted off his butt, Deena holding Mishka, the tattoo fest.. poof.
This makes me extremely angry.

I am now the proud owner of a G2, the sexy upgrade of my phone, but I am still in deep mourning for my old one. I still hold out hope that I will get a call from Lagoon saying they retrieved my phone in twenty three pieces and that one of those pieces has my media card, safe and intact.

Hopefully sometime soon I'll be in school like our dear Mr. Cameron.

Loves and hugs to you all.
-Nessa-

When Life Comes Full Circle

It's interesting to see the way life takes its twists and turns. People come and go, things start and end, and you say 'It's such a small world' entirely too much by the close of the day.
But today something interesting happened. A person I swore to myself I would never see or trust as a friend again came back into my life, and I saw what I thought I'd never see.
He's different.
And we'll call him Taylor. (Him, he, and 'that guy' get annoying to type over and over again.)
Cam, you'll probably remember when Sam and I broke up because of a letter that was sent to my family, about six months into our relationship. You helped talked Sam through that, at the apartment, and the end result was Sam deciding to stay with me. You played a large role in that, and I don't know if I ever said thank you for it.
This guy, Tayor, was the one who, in part, wrote that letter.
I had written Taylor off as the most manipulative, deceitful, self serving person I have ever met. Through friends I kept tabs on him at a distance, for a year and a half after the.. 'letter incident'. Most of what I heard about him only reinforced my decision to keep him out of my life forever.
Taylor and I started talking not to long ago, as we had for brief periods over the year and a half of estrangement, and I thought the same things I always did. 'He wants something from me, what's he gaining from this, be careful, Jenessa, be careful."
And I always was. I still am.
But today, I am pretty sure that I got as close to an apology as he was capable of, for what he did.
An apology was all I ever wanted. The incriminating letter had been the culmination of two people putting their heads together and writing out everything I had ever done that could get me in trouble with my parents, and out of a relationship with Sam. The other involve-ee had already said sorry, in what I felt was a legitimately sincere and heart-felt way. I never saw nor further sought a reason to hold them accountable for what they had done after that.
It was an eye-for-an-eye situation anyway.
But I held onto my grudge against my Taylor. I never let go what he had done to my life, neither did Sam, and I feel we were both justified in our anger and mistrust.
And after all the time that passed, I just wanted Taylor to, at the very least, acknowledge that what he did was wrong. His reasoning behind it was sound; he was a friend worried for another friend's safety and happiness. But there was an edge of jealousy and vengeance to the letter he sent. And I wanted an apology for taking all my trust in him, and throwing that, along with three years of close friendship, back in my face.
He finally admitted he was wrong.

Right here, right now, I feel torn. I feel like I am letting down the defenses I held on to for so long, that I am allowing myself to be drawn back in to Taylor's gravitational pull.
But I will no longer deny the piece of me that wants to know he's changed. Taylor is still the same person, with all the thoughts, feelings, and intentions that he always had. But I want to recognize that bit of him that will now recognize himself as he was.. and the bit of him that wants to no longer be that way.
I am still saying to myself "Be careful, Jenessa, be careful."
But I am also giving Taylor the benefit of the doubt. This is something my father always gave me, and, whether or not I deserved it, I was always grateful for it. I hope he can use it for the betterment of himself and our friendship.

It's like the past has come around to the future, and a pathway I long ago blocked can now be seen again through the trees.
It is worn, unkempt, and dilapidated, but I think there is hope yet.
I hope Taylor can show me that he can be the person I knew so many years ago. They say people don't change, and maybe they don't. Most certainly not him.
But I am praying to be proved wrong.
Because, as much as I hate to say it, I missed a very good friend, for a very long time, and I am so, so...tired. Tired of hating him for things that should no longer have to matter.
I have no one to blame but myself should things go wrong. I will put no one else in the path of potential devastation that I will walk, and I ask no one to be beside me who does not wish to be.
But I truly, truly hope that the past will stay where it belongs, and that the saying 'turning over a new leaf' can actually become a reality.

You're all allowed to say "I told you so."
Just to let you know.

-Nessa-

Sam is coming home.

So, bloggers, aside from this being my one-hundredth something blog..
Sam is coming home.
I don't know a whole bunch of details, but he's getting separated and will probably be home in another two or three weeks.
His knee wouldn't heal, and he was starting to have pain from stress in his shins also; his body just couldn't handle the physical strain, by the sound of it.
I'm sad about this. I had hoped that he'd found his niche and could finally get going on his life. He wasn't sure if he would be going back to the military after coming home and being given time to rest. I'm just hoping that he calls me back and gives me more details.
Such is life. I don't know what is going to happen when he gets home, though.
*sigh*
I really just don't know.

I thought I'd let everyone know, though. And I'll post again, possibly later today if he ever calls back, to let you know what's going on.
Love you all!
-Nessa-

Someone take my mind off 'repeat'

Really, I'm getting tired of this. I'm tired of hurting over things that don't matter, and do matter, and the things I wish could matter.
I am tired of not knowing what to do with Sam. I don't know if I want to marry him, or date him, or break up with him, I have NO IDEA what to do.
He said that he wanted to marry me when I went to see him in Texas, and I said I wasn't sure what I wanted and asked if I could date.
Now I'm all torn up about this other guy that I got my hopes up about, and I feel like everything is wrong inside me.
I thought I knew who and what I wanted in my life. I really did. Then Sam left for the military and nothing is the same. It's like my feelings change every other ten minutes. First I miss him, love him, want him, then I am considering the fact that breaking it off might be the more sensible thing to do, for both of us.
I feel like slamming my head into a wall.
And drama.. sucks balls. No matter how far you try to run from it, or ignore it, or deal with it, it always rears its ugly head right at the time that you want it the least.
I'm sorry, I'm just really tired, extremely sad, terribly emotional, and just messed up over everything right now. Thanks for letting me get some of it out
Love you guys, hope you are all doing well.
xo
-Nessa-

I have a question.

What is your honest opinion.
You are in love. You feel like you've found the one for you.
You also think you're too young.
But you don't want to go too much longer without knowing they are yours.
What do you do?

Seeing Sam in Texas

Hey, everyone.
As all of you know (hopefully), Sam has been in Basic Military Training for the past two months. Well, this was the month he was going to graduate. Notice I said was.
He is on medical hold because, during Basic, he was pushed enough that his knees started bothering him.
Apparently he has what's called Runner's Knee in both of his knees, and his graduation has been delayed for approximately another four to six weeks. Pretty vauge, I know. He'll spend about another two weeks in physical therapy, a few more getting rehabilitated and back up to the speed of military training, then be put back into his seventh week where he was pulled out to resume training.
His mother and I were still able to come down and see him, and he got base liberty, so we are able to go on base and see him. If he'd graduated he would have had a town pass for Friday and Saturday, and he could have come and seen the sights in San Antonio with his mother and I, but due to not graduating.. well, let's say his getting base liberty and seeing us at all was a stroke of luck.
He looks amazing everyone :) He's proud of the fact that he's lost three inches on his waist, so he lost that little tummy the apartment/college/post college has started giving him. He stands taller now too, the military beat the teenage slouch right out of him :).

I still give him crap for unconsciously assuming the position (feet spread, hands behind back, chin up, back straight). I get that it's been ingrained into him for about eight weeks.. it's just funny when he says that it's become comfortable for him to stand like that now.
He's more confident, he's grown up a lot, and while he is still the Sam we all know and love, he has definitely taken the step from wherever he'd been stuck at to a man.
It's been hard for him to see all his close friends, his flight, basically his second family, graduate and be in their blues, with their families. It's hard for him to see his friends with their Airman's Coin (a coin that represents your transition from trainee to airman, it's a REALLY big deal).
But he is pushing himself for success.He sees what he is so close to achieving, and rather than despair he looks ahead to all the great things and smiles toward the end of the road. He's made so many good friends who care about him, and he's learned so much while he's been in BMT.

It's so funny, he actually has a lot of fun being in the air force. I'd go so far as to say he loves it, most days. Maybe not the little bits and pieces, but the overall experience.
Can you tell I'm proud?

Now that I've talked about Sam, I'll talk about Texas.
Being here just with Sam's mom is.. well, very awkward most of the time. It's just.. we have nothing in common, she's a mom of six kids and I'm an eighteen year old girl dating her oldest son. We spend most of our time recycling the old and bedraggled joke about the fact that we can't find our way anywhere worth our lives.
Yeah. Lemme tell you. I did not realize how much I rely on the mountains back home in Utah to tell where I am. Here it's just flat, flat, and more flat. The endless expanses of blue, cloud spattered sky run from skyline to skyline, and you never know what direction you're going.
The freeway system looks like a giant spiderweb, spanning from the center, which is downtown San Antonio, outward. There are smaller freeways making the circles around, and crossing the outward span. I promise. Giant spiderweb. Exactly.

And, at home, you know how a freeway exit is labelled right where you get off? Not here. It says "Such and Such city in 1/2 mile". Then when you get there, it says "Next such and such city, insert exit numbers here". It's like a giant, loopy guessing game.
We have gotten lost every single day. In downtown San Antonio, it's a mass of one-way streets. I.. HATE.. one-way streets. I just thank God that I'm not the one driving, because I would have killed us by now.
Then again, with the way Sam's mom drives, maybe that would be better. Eh, I'm just a traffic-law-ignoring teenager, and she's a law abiding citizen. We all have our differences ;).
I got to go on the River Walk, which was beautiful. (I'm trying to get pictures to upload right now). I only had my cell phone, I left the damn camera at home on my bed. But the few pictures I have gotten have turned out pretty good.

Cheryl (I'm getting tired of typing Sam's mom, so there's her name) and I traversed the shops. I had to do my utmost not to run around buying absolutely everything. Seriously, this whole entire section of Texas has built it's lively hood around tourism. And they do a damn good job.

Everyone is so friendly too. In Utah, people do their utmost to ignore you if they pass you on the sidewalk, but I had personal conversations with almost every owner of every shop I went in to. I bought a necklace, met the woman who made it, her mother, and her mother's sister. I learned the back history on her jewelry-making.. it's just so strange.
I've been here for two days and already it's a culture shock compared to Utah. We really are a close-minded bunch of snobs ;).
Okay, the weather. Holy God, it is SO humid. I was too young to remember how humid Kauai was (I went when I was ten), but here it's to the point of unbearable. How weird is it.. that I love it?


I'm sure winter would suck, the wet air just covers you like a blanket. Wearing jeans is a misery, and I try to wear as little clothing shirt-wise as possible without being offensive.
The city is colors and culture. Lots of Spanish culture (I think), and a lot of the true-black people. The tattoos I've seen are amazing, I wish I could take a picture of every bit of art I've seen here. I took pictures in shops I wasn't supposed to, just because I wanted to remember.
I went to the Tower of America, a building in the heart of San Antonio. It rises 750 feet in the air, and I got pictures during the day, and at night, it was so amazing. The wind up there was nuts, it blew my hair straight up all around me :).



Wish you guys could be here, any of you. It would turn this into so much more of an adventure. I want to run everywhere at once, explore, this city is magic. I want to come back over and over. :).
Well, questions, comments, I'd love them all. I'm not going to be back home until Monday morning, so maybe I'll have some more stuff to post before this quick trip is through :). Love you all
Grande finale.
The Tooley.

The Cat's Pajamas

My friends!
So I've had two letters from Sam so far, both of which I treasure and re-read so much I am scared I'll fade the letters on the page with my eyeballs...
He's doing well, of course Basic is hard but he sounds like he has finally got the schedule down and is getting it together. They nicknamed him Eeyore because he talks slow to his instructors ;) I find this totally hilarious, and perfectly suiting.
Still on my own, but only just, taking care of oneself seems to get only harder, not easier.
(Side note: We have three kittens that need to be given to good homes, can you please ask around? You have no idea what it would mean to me, they don't get taken care of properly here at the house, and it makes me very upset. They need love!)
Looks like I won't be going to school this semester.. I've put it off too long to be able to work out everything financially in time to get the classes I want.. I won't pretend I'm not upset by this, I really want to get my life moving and that is just so hard for me right now. The most frustrating part is that I know it is my own negligence that is standing in my way.

*sighsighsigh*

Cameron, we don't hear much from you anymore, but I hope your doing well. Tonight was the Highland Fling, and I remember last year when you came with Sam, Alyse and myself to it. Things are coming full circle like they always seem to do, and it's hard to look back at those happy times and see that they are gone.. but, at the very least, not forgotten.

Cori, I know you're having a hard time, I already posted on your blog if you haven't noticed yet. Please try and feel better, I am truly sorry for what you are going through right now, and I pray things work out, not only with Jason, but with your life in general.

I have had a cough for about two weeks now.. it went from cough to this disease that has you feverish and hacking. I hope i don't get the fever part, because Angel and Tyler have both caught it, and I feel like I'm next in line for illness.

I'm getting more and more fed up with 5 Buck, the reason why I stay at that place continues to escape me, but until I find a better avenue of monetary gain, I don't know what to do beyond deal with it. Such is life. At least I have kickass co-workers, without them I would probably be dead and decaying somewhere in a corner.

It's my and Sam's two year anniversary on the eighth... last year all of us were at Warped Tour, getting burned, listening to a drunk black man scream "NO!!!" at the top of his lungs, and having a great time.
Then Cori bought us sushi and we went home to eat it on an empty beer box in the trashed apartment we all called home in some way. Good times.
This year I'll be sitting at home with a ring on my finger missing and loving the most wonderful boy to ever come in to my life.
There are worse things.
(Oh, that ring? Yeah, Sam got me a promise ring. In case I didn't tell you that.)

Miss you love you all
-Nessa-

WRITE SAM!!!

Well, Sammy has been gone for almost a week now. He left on Tuesday morning, and while I had remained stoically dry eyed through the last couple of days, when it came time for "No really, this is goodbye'.. I sorta let a few slip out.
It was hard too, his sisters had taken to crying almost constantly in the last two days before he had left.. and with all that female influence.. I won't lie I swallowed more than a handful of lumps in my throat.
It's hard without him, but on the upside, I did get a promise ring :)
To everyone who would care to know, here is his address:

AB Tooley, Samuel E.
324 TRS / FLT 579 / Dorm A-4
PSC #3
1320 Truemper Street Unit 362908
Lackland AFB, TX 78236-5570

Could you guys who know him please write him? Even just once? I know it would mean the world to him to hear from his friends and get encouragement.. so pretty please?
Thanks :)

Nothing new for me. Still out of the house (although only just), car's breaking down, job hunting, missing the boyfriend and reading more literature than is healthy.
I love you all!!

Okay so at the end of this I am talking about getting distracted, but in the end I got so distracted that I totally forgot to post this at all (it was supposed to be up on the sixth of this month, so it's a little out dated as far as current events lol). So here you go, my random forgetful, spasmodic post. Enjoy :)

I have my own room now, decorated and everything, it makes me rather happy :).
I didn't end up going to the Korn concert last night, which in the long run I suppose is good, considering I am dirt poor and would probably gotten killed, because I had no one to go with to keep me safe.
Psh, I can totally survive a rock concert, I swear..
Either how, I have chosen to spend this lovely Sunday catching up on Chuck, which I stopped watching because he and Sarah finally got together, and that made the show lame. Seriously though, tell me that the off/on, stomp on my heartstrings romance between them wasn't like half the show. Now that they are all lovey dovey and holed up in a train compartment on the way to France.. I'm bored. So sue me.
Here's my day so far.
Sleep until nine. Wake up very abruptly for no reason.
Go back to my parents house to let out all the kitties (Parents are on vacation without me in Vegas *CRY*), then walk across the yard to the neighbors to take care of THEIR pets.
(EVERYONE WENT ON VACATION WITHOUT ME)
*suffering from abandonment*
Come back home, take care of all the cats and dogs here (See a pattern yet?)
Get back in bed, finish A Knights Tale. (Heath Ledger, if you haven't seen it, please do, its a pretty worthwhile couple of hours.)
Decided I would do laundry, meanwhile enjoying the fact that everyone in the house is dead asleep and I get to have the whole place to myself.
Turned on Chuck, got bored, annoyed and hungry, brought laundry upstairs, got distracted by my camera and Facebook and really awesome new texting app.
Decided I would blog and tell you all these pointless things.

Alyse is home :). She was supposed to leave for Girl's Camp on Monday morning, but she decided not to go because her mommy has to get her gall bladder removed (can someone tell me what the hell a gall bladder is???) and Alyse, understandably, wants to be home to take care of her mother.
I get to give her the fishy I was watching for her back. Whew, lots of responsibility off my shoulders there :). No seriously, if I had killed that fish while she was gone, I would have died, Alyse is like in love with the thing.
She loves fish like I love chocolate, cats, and sex.
No joke.
Okay maybe that last part was a joke.
(Hope no one is busy being offended.)

Also, today, as I was driving up to my parents house, and back from it, I realized that if I ever leave Utah, the one thing I will miss is the fact that there is ZERO traffic on Sundays. I passed maybe five cars on the whole drive, because everyone else was either at church or asleep still.
Speaking of church.
I think I may have figured out where I stand on religion. Sort of. It's still really vague because I am trying to differentiate between what I know to be right as opposed to all the other stuff I think is total bullshit.
Basically, I'm cool with God, Jesus, all of that. But I don't want church in my life. I almost put 'need' where 'want' is, but then I realized someone might try to start a fight over it, saying that 'Of course I NEED the church in my life, it's the only way to true happiness!!!"
I beg to disagree.
(I love that I got distracted by blogging when I am supposed to be uploading new pictures on to my Facebook. Aren't I awesome?)

Lazing on a Sunday Afternoon

I have my own room now, decorated and everything, it makes me rather happy :).
I didn't end up going to the Korn concert last night, which in the long run I suppose is good, considering I am dirt poor and would probably gotten killed, because I had no one to go with to keep me safe.
Psh, I can totally survive a rock concert, I swear..
Either how, I have chosen to spend this lovely Sunday catching up on Chuck, which I stopped watching because he and Sarah finally got together, and that made the show lame. Seriously though, tell me that the off/on, stomp on my heartstrings romance between them wasn't like half the show. Now that they are all lovey dovey and holed up in a train compartment on the way to France.. I'm bored. So sue me.
Here's my day so far.
Sleep until nine. Wake up very abruptly for no reason.
Go back to my parents house to let out all the kitties (Parents are on vacation without me in Vegas *CRY*), then walk across the yard to the neighbors to take care of THEIR pets.
(EVERYONE WENT ON VACATION WITHOUT ME)
*suffering from abandonment*
Come back home, take care of all the cats and dogs here (See a pattern yet?)
Get back in bed, finish A Knights Tale. (Heath Ledger, if you haven't seen it, please do, its a pretty worthwhile couple of hours.)
Decided I would do laundry, meanwhile enjoying the fact that everyone in the house is dead asleep and I get to have the whole place to myself.
Turned on Chuck, got bored, annoyed and hungry, brought laundry upstairs, got distracted by my camera and Facebook and really awesome new texting app.
Decided I would blog and tell you all these pointless things.

Alyse is home :). She was supposed to leave for Girl's Camp on Monday morning, but she decided not to go because her mommy has to get her gall bladder removed (can someone tell me what the hell a gall bladder is???) and Alyse, understandably, wants to be home to take care of her mother.
I get to give her the fishy I was watching for her back. Whew, lots of responsibility off my shoulders there :). No seriously, if I had killed that fish while she was gone, I would have died, Alyse is like in love with the thing.
She loves fish like I love chocolate, cats, and sex.
No joke.
Okay maybe that last part was a joke.
(Hope no one is busy being offended.)

Also, today, as I was driving up to my parents house, and back from it, I realized that if I ever leave Utah, the one thing I will miss is the fact that there is ZERO traffic on Sundays. I passed maybe five cars on the whole drive, because everyone else was either at church or asleep still.
Speaking of church.
I think I may have figured out where I stand on religion. Sort of. It's still really vague because I am trying to differentiate between what I know to be right as opposed to all the other stuff I think is total bullshit.
Basically, I'm cool with God, Jesus, all of that. But I don't want church in my life. I almost put 'need' where 'want' is, but then I realized someone might try to start a fight over it, saying that 'Of course I NEED the church in my life, it's the only way to true happiness!!!"
I beg to disagree.
(I love that I got distracted by blogging when I am supposed to be uploading new pictures on to my Facebook. Aren't I awesome? Then again, computers were built to multi-task, yes?)
Life remains the same here on the home front.
I think I'll go buy cookies.

(I got really distracted from explaining my religion theory. Maybe later.)

-Nessa-

Utah has some dirty air going on here..

Angel's mother is leaving to Florida on Monday.. and taking Mirriam with her. The whole big episode is almost over.. but of course the residual pain will stay for a long time. The house has been full of random people, all over to help Ada pack and get ready to go.. she's taken almost everything, including her son's bed and Angel's dresser, plus just about the entire stash of kitchen appliances.
Angel had to come home and steal the family china because Ada refused to give it to her son Garn, who came over and fought with her about it. He even offered her one thousand dollars if she'd please just give it to him. She said she refused to sell it to anyone in the family... so Angel took it.
The woman has pilfered just about everything.. the house echoes now due to lack of furniture and decoration.. it's sad.
Of course I'm tired of living here. I've been the only one her for all the packing and such.. Angel is still with her brother Garn, along with her dad... and Gaelen has been at EFY. Prior to that he spent all his time in the basement ignoring everything..
I'm not happy to have been here for this. All the hate and selfishness is like something sticky that won't wash off my skin; I've tried to be out of the house as much as possible.
Megan offered me her apartment in Provo for only one hundred a month.. and honestly being alone and on my own is starting to sound very appealing these days.. Being at the epicenter of a family tragedy has done nothing good for me, that's for sure.
Zack is leaving to the Navy Seals in two days..
We, consisting of myself, Angel, Megan, Justin and Zack, went to the hot springs Tuesday night. It would be our last chance to hang out with Zack, and while it was an odd group, I had a lot of fun and will cherish the memories. And IHOP will never be the same for me :).
In other news, I got my belly button pierced.. Funnily enough it didn't hurt one bit, I guess I'm just used to having giant needles shoved into me.. what with donating and all.
I know Cori complained that none of us really blog that much anymore. (Cori, when I say complained I don't mean in a bad way.) I don't because, honestly, nothing changes much for me. When I do blog it's just a bunch of indecisiveness, and repeating the same things over and over trying to convince myself into different trains of life.
I don't know what I'm doing about where I'm going to live, I don't know what I'm doing about a job (another one), I don't know what I'm doing about school.. All I really do is lie at home and read all the time because I don't want to focus on my life. It's just too overwhelming and I don't know what to do with myself. (Notice how many times I just said "I don't know"..)
I know Alyse's blog is just satanic and doesn't want to let anyone see when she updates.. at least that's what it does to me, because it hates me. So I have to go directly hunt down her blog.

Sam's leaving in just a month and a half. I'm going to miss him more than I'd ever believe I could, and that's just with me imagining it right now, not having to go through the real thing. I'm also really worried about him..
I love him still, and don't think that's going to change anytime soon.

Tyler said we can't be friends anymore and hasn't spoken to me for a few days now. I keep having to resist going to his house and beating down his door because he makes me so angry... but as long as he's unhappy with his decision then I can cope with not beating him up, because he's already doing my job for me.

Alyse is on vacation to Texas starting today for the next two weeks, and then a week of Girl's Camp after that, so we won't be seeing much of each other for the first month of summer. I'm taking care of her fishy J.C. (John Casey for you Chuckers out there).

Angel should be coming home soon. I don't see her more than a few times a week, but she came home this morning once she got off work and I realized just how much I enjoyed having the room to myself.. I didn't get woken up at seven in the morning after having gone to bed only a few hours prior.

Megan is still at Jerr's, and with all the ups and downs of that situation I'd like to think that, on the whole, she's happy. Her parents finally know she's living with him. Her dad hardly took it well, but it seems like Megan's mom is doing alright with it, despite the fact that it's against everything she's ever taught Megan. I guess she values her relationship with her daughter enough not to further destroy things.

I'm going back to my parents house in a week or so to house-sit while they are gone on vacation. I wish I were going with them (Vegas, St. George, then camping for a few days), but I don't have the money or the time. I've stopped donating due to an odd lethargy that has gripped me, so I'm a little strapped for cash at the moment, but once I move that'll change, the donation center is right down the road.

Miss everyone very much, and thanks for remembering the ice cubes Cameron, that really is one of my favorite memories, even if it's insignificant and random. To me it just embodies..well, you. Your odd personality. Which I miss.
I always feed your fishies.

See you guys later.
-Nessa-

May Eleventh

For all of you who do not know, Sam and I are no longer dating. I'm not entirely sure if I should put a 'technically' between 'are' and 'no'. We decided that being in a relationship was destroying our relationship, so now we don't have commitment and all that other stuff to worry about and can just love each other like we know we do.
I won't lie, I'm not totally overjoyed about the whole thing, but I will take it over the alternative of not having Sam in my life at all. I hope this is really what's best for us.. because I care about him a lot more than I realized. The night we (more like I) decided to initiate an actual break up made me see that.
Yeah. That was bad.

I'm stuck between three life decisions.
1. Summer school (College, whatever, to keep myself occupied rather than becoming a total introvert due to all things relationship related).
2. Moving out to an actual apartment (Start as just a summer thing and then maybe transition into the more expensive school year living?)
3. The never ending job hunt. (I decided to look up all the local and not so local dog grooming shops, kennels, pounds, etc. I want to find a job of the animal care-taking variety, a job I know I'll actually like.)

The stuck part is just doing all of it. I know the basic order in which to do them.. I just really suck at getting the ball rolling. I've been so wrapped up in relationship drama that I'm not sure I can pull myself away from worrying long enough to focus on the things I actually need to do.
Sad that I think it will be easier for me once Sam has left for boot camp.. Then the miss/worry/miss sensation will be standard, not fluctuating, and for only one set of reasons, not six thousand and one.

I'm getting tired of living at Angel's house, mostly because nothing is my own. We'll see what happens once Ada and Mirriam leave for Florida, maybe I can get my own room and finally start feeling like I'm not just a mooching bystander.
I do pay rent, but I share Angel's room (not like she's ever here anymore). I don't know. Whatever works.

Tyler..refuses to speak to me anymore. He and I got along really well.. and I sort of miss his friendship. Although, I know exactly why he won't. He wanted me for a girlfriend, and even though I'm 'single' now or whatever, no guy wants a girl who's committed-to and in love with another man.
He is, frustratingly enough, the root of my problems. Not saying I didn't cause almost all of them by myself, and I am most definitely not pushing blame onto him. He is just involved with everything in my life that I spend the majority of my time angsting over.
After hanging out with him so much, I started to question all my life decisions, the relationship I was in, some friendships, and my relationship with God. I had a sudden urge to just.. come clean and turn myself around, and it scared me. I'm never like that. I have always been content with who I am, with just the little insecure blips in between. I have NEVER considered a total make over of who I have become, all in the interest of some spiritual relief.
It was odd, let me tell you.
That spiritual and inner insecurity, combined with the fact that Sam is leaving in two months and I didn't know if I could handle it, well, it made me panic. I made a rash decision, and in doing so have messed a lot of things up, even though the outer picture still remains the same.
I lost Tyler as a friend, but I won't take all the credit on that, he walked right into the middle of my relationship and hoped to sweep me off my feet after almost two years and more trials than I care to remember with another guy. As hard as that was, I got attached to Sam, and there was no way Tyler was going to make that dedication to Sam go away.
I lost Sam as a boyfriend. Now I get to freak out every night I'm not with him, and console myself with a weak repetition of 'But he loves you, he loves you, shut up and calm down, he loves you.' It's hard. I may sound totally insane, but it's very, very hard knowing he's not mine anymore.
I lost confidence in myself. I saw what happened when I questioned my belief system, and when I took Sam out of my life. I realized how destabilized I really am, and how much I rely on Sam, or just love in general, to keep me going. I'm not okay with just being me, on my own, alone. I need things and people I wish I didn't.

Sam's birthday is today. He's up in Midvale or whatever, hanging out with friends from college. I miss him. I feel terribly lonely.
Growing up is hard. Being in love is hard. Succeeding is hard. Taking care of yourself is hard. I knew all of this all my life.. but now I am just coming to understand it.

Happy birthday, Sam. I love you.

Blogger-esque

Sometimes you realize you aren't who you were meant to be. Who you were raised to be. Who you were 'supposed' to be.
I was okay with that, until about a week ago. Now stuff is a little bit different. I'm questioning everything I know, and I hate it.
My Sam is leaving in two and a half months... and honestly, I'm scared. He's probably worse off than I am, but that doesn't change the fact that I am terrified.
I never wanted this..him to leave, but I obviously could never change his mind from the start about anything.
I'm going to try and stay with him. I really will try.

I hate not knowing who I am anymore.

Quite frankly, I don't know.

I just figured that I would write some stuff down considering that I'm sitting at work and my hands seem to be idle. Yes, I should probably be cleaning or something, but this seemed like a fairly good idea either way.
Okay, so I have been sitting at work covering for Megan this Saturday, and this Jamaican kid came in. He has sat here for the past two hours, mumbling on about stuff that I seriously can't hear him say ( I have the most horrible hearing), and honestly.. I want him to go away. He's funny, he's got an interesting life to talk about, that's for sure, but... I really don't trust him that much. I am the only one here most of the time because Alex is so in and out with his deliveries, and Angel had to leave early to go to her brother Shawn's college graduation.
I gave him pizza after the first hour, and right when he said he was leaving he asked if I had anything to drink, so I let him take a Sprite. Then, as he was getting up, he asked to use my phone.
After harboring a distinct distrust for him, I lied and said I was almost out of minutes, even though it's Saturday and I have unlimited, because, quite frankly, I don't want to lose my phone.
I know it all sounds racist and evil, but I promise it's not. I'm not like that. I'm just really paranoid.. and I worry a lot.
He asked to use Alex's phone and he let him, but.. ugh.
Finally. Gone.
Okay, I feel like I can breathe again.
I felt bad for him though, when he came in he had this HUGE gash on his arm from long boarding.. Angel got a napkin and put hand sanitizer all over and and just stuck it on his arm before getting band aids on it.. Oh it was so funny, you could tell it hurt him but he was trying so hard to be macho and strong about it.

Okay, enough about Jamaican Kid.

I applied for a job up at Micron, it pays fifteen bucks an hour and it's three to four days of work a week, off and on.
Like: Sun., Mon., Tues., Wed.
Then: Sun., Mon., Tues.
The Wednesdays are the swing shifts.
It's where my mom works, but despite the fact that I may be risking being stuck in a clean room twelve hours a day ( long shifts right??), I really want the job. I would make enough to be able to take care of myself, and start being able to do the stuff that I want to do.
My mom is like one of the few reasons I even have a chance thought. She knows the guy in charge of hiring, and her supervisor really, really likes her, thusly, he may be more willing to give me a chance in hopes that I'm not an epic fail and actually follow in my mother's footsteps.
I don't know.
I have a phone interview on Monday morning, and I'm really nervous. I am banking on getting this job more than I'm willing to admit, because seriously, I am at the end of my rope.
Sam is leaving in July, I am still working at the same dead end job that I have been for two years, I struggle to pay Angel's parents rent each month, and my car is slowly breathing it's last breath.
I need to get my life out of the gutter and up to where it should be; moving.

I really hope God cuts me some slack on this one.

I never actually got a pet, Angel's dad said no, and their family is going through some really hard stuff right now, so it's better that I do all I can not to put any more unnecessary pressure on them right now. I'm enough of a strain already.

Sam and I are still making it work (God only knows how), but I'm happy. We decided to stay together even though he's leaving for the Air Force.. and despite everything, I want to be able to be with him, even with the military keeping him away all the time.
I guess if it's not meant to be, it won't work, and if it is, it will.
I love him a lot... so you can be on what I'm hoping for.

Angel is running herself into the ground with two jobs and school, Alyse is happily away from Mike and up in the arms of Gaelen, it's Megan's birthday, and when she's not content with Jerremy she's as unhappy and angry as I've ever seen her. I miss Travis a lot because we don't talk anymore, and Alex is leaving on his mission in late July. Alaine is getting married in June and I don't think she'll invite me, though it breaks my heart. Brantley and Hayleigh are still together, even though it's obviously a bad relationship (Hayleigh's mom has been emailing me). Jorden is still with Alexis and is working at Paradise Bakery (happily I hope). I see Landon every once in a while when he comes into 5 Buck
Tyler has a crush on me, but he's awfully religious (NOT MY TYPE AT ALL) and it's starting to seem like he's pushing me for something. I don't like it.
Cameron is off in college and I only ever hear from him via The Blog Circle. Coriann texts me from time to time, which I appreciate, I do miss her terribly. I don't have a clue what Deena is even doing with her life at all anymore.. All I know is that she and Brandon are together. Rob is in jail and Amber is trying to make it as a single mom while she waits for him to be able to come home.
Everyone else is in college or going on a mission or getting married..

Oh, and I did my hair again. Back to the orange streaks. Huzzah!!
And salon hair products are God's gift to women.
I really want a puppy. Or a kitten. I don't really care which.
Dubstep is amazing.

Night all.
-Nessa-

Hot Springs Visit #1

Well last night was the beginning of the season for hot spring visits.
Myself, Angelique, Tyler and Zack were the only ones going this time. Megan was supposed to come, but she decided to be courteous to Shauna and not come home uuber psycho late. (Which we did, I checked my phone before I went to bed and it said 4:37, so I'm pretty sure that we got home around four. I had to shower and all that of course.. the sulphuric stench is sort of overpowering, as you all know..)

Anywho. It was tons of fun, Zack and Tyler had never been. Zack decided to be a putz and freak me out by walking along the wrong side of the path, narrowly dodging holes and sudden drop-aways in the path.
I was all worried Tyler was going to fall off the path. I think I just worry too much. Being scared of heights is horrible.

When we got there it was pretty late, so everyone was either leaving or getting ready to leave. The four of us crawled over to the hot pot we discovered last time, and proceeded to spend the next two or three hours talking and playing the stupidest games. And bothering Zack. For example.
"Hey, Jenessa, do you wanna go to the moon?"
"Yeah sure Tyler, I'll bring jam for sandwiches. What are you bringing?"
"A tractor! Angel, what are you bringing?"
"Apple juice. Zack, what are you bringing?"
"A rock."
"You can't bring a rock."
"What, why can't I bring a rock?"
*another few rounds of questions, during which Zack becomes more and more frustrated*
"Zack, what are you bringing?"
"A BIKE!"
"You can't bring a bike!"
"I HATE THIS GAME, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE!!"
*another few rounds*
"Zack, what are you bringing to the moon?"
"I don't know, I'm not playing, this is stupid."
"Really, you haven't caught on yet?"
"....*pouts* There's nothing cool that starts with a 'z'."

Also, none of them know the English language. We started playing twenty questions and they all got stuck on the exact definition of 'inanimate', a word that I decided to throw out.
"Is it a spaceship?"
"No, Zack."
"A robot?"
"No, Zack."
"Mars?"
"ZACK! QUIT WASTING QUESTIONS!!"
"A dead giraffe??"
"ZACK!!!!"
"*sigh* Okay, any relevant questions?"
"A VIBRATING DILDO!!"
"Holy shit, okay, Zack, you can't play anymore."
"A BIG PINK ONE!"
"Fail."

(I'm not joking, he said ALL of that. And they were his fall back answers when he started getting frustrated. I think he has a hidden fascination with the sci-fi world.)

Tyler was such a good sport, I'm always afraid I'm going to end up offending him with some joke, or one of us will go overboard on swearing, or just.. something. But he really seems to be okay. Matter of fact, he's basically a total pervert, right along with Zack.
"You guys can make out anytime now." (That's Zack as Angel is crawling all over me.)
"Shove it Zack, Angel, get OFF!"


Before we left:
Tyler: "You two share a room?"
Me and Angel: "Yeah."
T: "You sleep in the same bed?"
M: "Every night. We even cuddle."
A: "We have a ferret in here sometimes too. Or the cat. Or all the dogs. It gets pretty kinky."
T: *evil smile* "Can I watch?"
M: "YOUR DISGUSTING, GET OUT!!"

The walk back down the mountain was horrible, Tyler's huge flashlight died, and the only light we had was from my phone. Plus, it was cold enough to see our breath. I felt really bad for Zack though, he was the only one not smart enough to bring his pants up with us, so he had to walk back down in his swim trunks. I've got to hand it to him, honestly. I never would have made it, it was SO freaking cold.

We also discovered that Zack can do an amazing impression of Mickey Mouse. As a big group was leaving, he quite suddenly yells:
"OH BOY!!"
Just like Mickey Mouse. Like, perfectly. He also decided to yell at some girl:
"HEY, ARE YOU FAT OR ARE YOU PREGNANT?!"
As you can see he is very respectful and was bestowed with uncommonly good manners.
Not.

I don't know. I had TONS of fun, despite the cold, and Angel almost running us off the road because she felt like letting the car cruise at 45 down a steep winding road. Thank God for seat belts, eh?

Angel and I have decided to have an epic summer with these guys, doing a whole bunch of random stuff. I just hope Zack doesn't get his ship date. That would sort of ruin our evil plans.

Yep. Love my life right now.
Oh, and I slept in until twelve. Best night's sleep I've had in a long time.

My HTML is broken?

So I get it.

Because I have been with people, forcibly or not, for about a month or so straight now, with no time to myself, I am starting to push everyone away.
I don't want to answer when anyone calls, I don't want to text back unless it's a totally pointless conversation that I know won't end in 'So we should chill sometime."
I don't even answer for my parents. I think the only person I really WANT to see is Sam, because he is the only person I don't see frequently enough!

It's always wake up, donate, go to work, hang out with Angel all day, Nessa come pick me up, hey, let's do something, can you take me here, wanna come over?

I LOVE the attention that I get from people, I love being in social environments in general as long as I am as far from the spotlight as possible.. But the utter lack of me time has made me want to just hit pause and go camp in the mountains above Angel's house for a few days until I think I can handle people again.

I'm also getting tired of things that qualify as totally immature. My version of immature is probably immature to other people.. but still. I'm old enough now to say, 'Hey, I know you know what your talking about, but shut up for a second because I DO actually know some shit.'

I think I have used the word 'immature' more in the past few months that I have in my entire life haha.

And I'm sure that it's immature to sit here venting about all the things that seriously piss me off.. but sometimes that is the only way I can efficiently let off steam and get my head clear.

Honestly, when I stress too much about finances, I have to write everything down and do the math, or else I am fidgety and restless and keep freaking out. I truly CANNOT calm down until I see my results on paper and can reassure myself.

Weird right?

I picked that up from my Dad. He writes everything, and plans his life two weeks in advance. It's not a big deal for things to change within those next two weeks... he just likes having the general idea of where everything is going right there for him to observe.

Side note: Miss Cori, I am so very happy that you have found your scuba boy, I REEEEEEEEAAALLLLYYYYYY want you to post pictures :) All the going on about how great he is and I don't even know what he looks like! C'mon! This is an insult to our friendship!!!! At this point I tried to insert a heart.. but Blogger told me I couldn't put one there. It said my HTML was broken. (Your all going 'I GET IT NOW!!"

I love you.

Seriously.

Post pics.

Anyway. Back to grouching.

I think I need to live on my own. Not in an apartment with friends, not in Angel's basement renting from her dad.. I need to be me. Be accountable for my own actions. I need to learn how to take care of myself, how to cope with being alone, because that is probably how life is going to be for the next little while.

I don't mean alone as in minus Sam or friends in general.. I just mean being on my own.

Also, the more I do the math for the money in my head, the more it seems like I am going to get screwed over by myself and other people if I live with a group. Someone will flake, or I will lose my job.. end result: We all drag each other down.

So I just want my own place up at Wolverine Crossings, with a roommate that I don't know, and my own pack of responsibility weighing down on my shoulders.

Besides. I really have to learn how to manage money. This is starting to get silly lol. I spend every spare penny I have to spend, and Megan finally called me on it tonight. I know I am getting out of hand again, and am starting to spend what I shouldn't.

I shit you not, I almost bought myself a four-hundred dollar Malti-Pom. Maltese/Pomeranian. I was gonna get a loan for two hundred.. so it would have only been two hundred... but yes, that is a lot of money, and a dog is another expense.

I'm insane, I know.

Anyway, I got to go.. I love you all and thanks for getting to the end of this. I'd love to hear thoughts.

-Nessa-

YOU KNOW WHY!!

Nothing new on the home front. I spent the day with Angel's family for Easter, then made my way to Megan's house afterward to eat some of her and Jerr's easter dinner as well. Purely coincidental, I assure you.

There's one problem with blogger. Sometimes you want to write a blog to only certain people, and make it so others can't see what you wrote. There should be an approved viewing list or something.. *sigh*

Can't have you cake and eat it too.

The phrase that basically describes my life right now.

It seems like I always have somewhere to go, somewhere to be, someone to hang out with, and not enough money or time to accomplish everything that needs accomplishing. And because I live with Angel now, I am NEVER alone, I NEVER get to just lie in bed and think anymore.

She's gone tonight, and I won't pretend it's not a welcome relief to just be able to turn on my music and write something down, knowing I won't be disturbed.

There's a lot of idiotic drama going on right now. Alyse and Mike *massive sigh* Which I can't talk about because I don't know if Mike's mom still reads my blog. You know what? I actually don't care right now. I'll keep it short.

Point being, it goes like this.

Alyse: Mike, call me, hang out with me, talk to me, be yourself with me, open up, let me know what's going on, etc.

Mike: *cricket noises*

It's all just getting stupid, repetitive, and so obviously pointless it makes me want to punch walls and punt small animals across the lawn. And trust me, the fact that Angel's house is crawling with small animals does not help this odd and evil craving.

Me and Sam.

We're back together.

Beyond that, pass.

I work, I donate, I eat, I sleep.

Have you ever seen those videos of people standing still while life rushes on all around them? It feels like that for me. I go places, I do things, but in the end, it's all a big blur. I come home so late at night and just collapse, only to wake intermittently during the night, and not really sleep at all. I walk around in a haze all the time, and I could probably fall asleep at the drop of a hat, anywhere at all. I'm getting really tired of it. There are very few times now that it doesn't feel that way.

For anyone who has seen What Happens in Vegas, the line is from the end where the guy gets punched in the balls by the main character's two best friends, and the girl goes "YOU KNOW WHY!!"

I feel like life is punching me in the face and screaming the same thing. Like every day. This could get old pretty fast.

-Nessa-

Sorry, Your Breaking Up

So here it goes.

Sam and I.. we took a break. Our relationship had lost some of the shine, and while all relationships are bound to do that at some point or another, it was all just.. 'off'' enough for me to get stupid and go "Hey, something's wrong, let's take a break, let it work itself out."

It has been two days.. and every new hour that passes makes me think just a little bit harder.. Is this really it? Is this where it ends? Is this the break that gets turned into a break-up?

Here's where you ask, "Well, Nessa, is that what you want? Do you want to break up with Sam?"

Obvious answer: No.

More intricate and yet still obvious answer: No. I'm in love with him.

The idiotic and furry (and still obvious) answer: I think I've found the guy that I could be crazy about for the next fifty years, and still get a stupid grin on my face when I wake up and see him snoring with his mouth half open, drooling on a pillow. He's made me happier than I can ever remember, and while our relationship isn't a Disney fairytale... God. What am I doing...?.. It has still been..the absolute best... one year.. seven months.. and nine days I've ever spent with anyone.

Love makes thismuchsense. Exactly. None at all. It's deranged, and stupid, and pointless, and drives you to do ridiculous and retarded things in the name of it. You cry over it, you cry for it, you cry with it, you cry without it, you cry when you see it, you cry when you can't find it, you cry when you lose it, you cry when you get it back.

Summary: I have cried more in the past week than I have in the last couple months.

I promise this doesn't have anything to do with the excessive amount of chic flicks that I have been watching at purposefully inopportune times.

And that, children, is what we call a lie.

I.

Me.

That person over there with the brown hair.

She's really confused and lost right now.

She doesn't know who she is, and she doesn't know who she wants to be. She did.. not to long ago, she really did. Or thought she did anyway.

He said, take all the time you need. I understand. I get it. I love you. Take all the time you need. Well, baby, what if you get tired of waiting? What if you don't to anymore? You promised.. you PROMISED ME, then when I was ready, you'd be there. You did. You said it.

You never break your promises to me. Especially if you pinky swear. Probably should have made you do that.. Oh well, too late now, I'm putting you through enough as it is.

He wrote me a letter. I've read it at least four times so far. Just holding it makes me feel better. Silly of me really. I'm such a nostalgic pack-rat.

I can promise you, I'll find the damn thing in a closet sometime when I'm thirty-seven and have two or three kids of my own and go "Oh my God! I still have this!" Then do one of two things.

Go find Sam and giggle about it, because stuff worked out or..

... I don't cope very well.

I have a lot of stuff to work on, inside and out. Time is going to take it's sweet own, and slowly grind over every hour that I have to spend fixing myself so I can be with the perfect guy, even if it's for just another month, or another year, or maybe a couple.. or for a good long time.

He's worth it though.

Dammit, I've never met a guy more worth it.

Samuel Tooley, your a pain in the ass, and I'm in love with you.

Romantic of me, I know.

Pay close attention the the middle part.

And the last part.

There are endless amounts of books, movies, and songs written and created for the very purpose of defining love in a thousand, million, billion ways.

It makes the world go 'round.

Silly, really. God gave us a brain, but at the end of the day, it's never the last thing we think with.

Goodnight.

-Nessa-

Registered Voter

Yep, that's me. I've officially thrown out the line to be able to be a part of politics. I know I'll do nothing about it, but I guess it's nice to have the choice in that, yes?

Um, news.

I'm not sure if I can talk about me and Sam, so I'll leave that be, and you can text me with questions.

I got myself involved in a commission only financial aid program/job in Pleasant Grove (I'm flinching, waiting for your disgusted and skeptical comments to that), and I'm really hoping that I can learn the system and be able to excel, and if not, at least learn a little more about how to manage my finances. I don't see it as too much of a drawback to me if it doesn't work out.. so whatever.

I'm trying to pick a pen name. Suggestions?

Love you all.

-Nessa-

Children

I'm not used to them, I never grew up with them, I was the youngest in the family, and don't know how to act around them.

They are loud, obnoxious, and spend the vast majority of their time doing things meant only to get your attention, or draw attention to themselves.

Babies, I can handle babies. They aren't a problem. They are small, and there is a much less complicated list of things to do in order to keep them happy. I used to absolutely terrified of holding one (I do suffer under the delusion that if I hold a baby it will either break or fall out of my hands for no reason), but after Sam and Amber convinced me to hold Amber's little baby Kara, I think I'm on the path to get over that particular fear.

Kids past a certain age, once the word -teen is in their age, that's fine. They are in school, they are capable of entertaining themselves, they have little friends they can call over, and have them help destroy whatever house they happen to be unleashed upon.
But if kids don't have anyone to hang out with because you decided to send them to private school (private school equals no social life since the kids sent there range further abroad than public school kids) and make them clear all play dates with two parents who work and go to school (basically spending the vast majority of their time unreachable and out of the home) then kids can get..pretty bothersome.

And to think, I want two of these? Maybe my perspective will change over time. Or maybe my kids won't turn out how I fear. Or maybe I shouldn't have kids.

I don't know. Anyone care to share a perspective?

We All Roll Along

Well, living at Angel's house has been about as fun as an eternal sleepover.. except for the part where her little sister is screeching in off-key opera at seven or eight in the morning. Did I mention her ENTIRE family is up before the crack of dawn?
And here I am, the kid used to being the only child, with two parents that work, leaving me alone most of the day anyway, and definitely leaving me in peace to sleep.

Here was the plan when I left home.

• Move to Angel's
• Live there till the end of March, meanwhile saving money for a down payment at Wolverine Crossings
• Sign a one year lease at Wolverine Crossings

This plan has changed to:

• Live at Angel's for an undefined amount of time and start paying her parents' rent.
• Hem and haw about attending school
• Save money for my car that is breaking down faster by the second
• Possibly move with Angel's family to Florida this summer/fall

I'm retarded, right?

Last week was insane, I worked every single day and there just seemed to be too much to do and not enough hours to do it. I got almost no sleep and felt continually drained due to that, and the fact that I am now donating plasma twice a week in a desperate effort to bring in more money. ($190 extra per month, can't hurt, right?)
Sam and I went to Logan to see some of his old friends... yeah, I'm pretty sure that was about the best 24 hours of my life...EVER. Some of you already know what really happened, some of you do not, and should you care to know, by all means, text me and I'll fill you in.

My car's transmission has been slowly dying on me, and recently it's achieved tragically large proportions of... dead-ness. My car jerks and shudders and has no acceleration at all (much to the anger of ANYONE following me) and the longer I have it out, the worse it gets.
Also, I have loose and worthless battery cables, and finally they gave up on me today. Sam and I went to Kohlers briefly earlier this afternoon, and when we got back to my car, it refused to start. Usually just jiggling the wires gets it going again, and I've had to do this on numerous occasions, but this time, nothing would revive it. I kicked and shook the car, and twiddled with the cables endlessly, along with Sam, but it just sat there, being the lowly, rejected piece of junk that it is.
SO.
I got a ride to work and Sam and his dad (bless him and his entire family), are going to try to revive my car tonight.

On the upside, Sam's mom had me come over and showed me how to make pie crust so that I could have cherry pie. I had been craving it the other night when she, myself and Sam were playing 5 Crowns, so she decided to be really nice and help me out.
The reason we were at Kohlers and had to deal with my worthless car is because we ended up needing an extra can of cherries.

Such is life.

The weather is cold and terribly windy up here. Last night when I got home, I got out of my car, and got very freaked out. Angel's street is very long and wide, with far-spaced street lamps. Where I was was dark, and when I got out of my car, it was like stepping into a horror movie.
Wind whistling down a deserted street, making lone leaves rattle against barren branches, dancing against a black night sky..
Yeah, that sort of creepy. I would not have been surprised if a horde of zombies had slowly descended upon me from down the road.... Egh. I hate Utah weather.

Sam is still trying to get into the Air Force, and that's going well, when it's going. So far his military ambition has contained a lot of frustration, and twice as much waiting for the recruiter to call him, or call him back. I think they ignore you on purpose, just to see how determined you really are at joining...
Point being, I still don't know if/when he is going to leave, and that fact is keeping me all tied up in myself.

I want to go to Florida, but I don't want to leave if Sam isn't already gone. Also, when he is on leave, he will then have to bounce back and forth between Florida and Utah, and that'll only make it so I see even less of him than the three times a year I would already have to be with him.
*Arm cramps up* I don't type enough anymore.
ANYWHO.
I also would have to find schools out there.. I don't know. The more I think about it, Florida seems to be a flight of fancy that I would be better off putting out of my mind. I know Angel is leaving to go there, partially because her mother is going to continue her massage therapy education there, and partially because Angel has the urge to join a good culinary school there.
I'll miss her terribly when she leaves.

Hmmm..... what else...

Alice in Wonderland was pretty freaking awesome. I saw it opening night in 2-D (They were selling tickets at the IMAX for 3-D at $25 bucks a ticket!!) I have also since seen it in 3-D, and decided that, while each have their qualities of goodness, I would prefer 2-D, because it doesn't hurt my eyes.
Still, don't get me wrong, 3-D is amazing.

I still have my dead-end, yet fun, job at 5 Buck, and miss the good old days when Sam and Cameron ordered their usuals and then, in thanks, broke the only bench in 5 Buck. Good times.

Much love, thanks for reading.
-Nessa-

That blue is getting me high, making me low.

I don't claim to know how the world works. Hell, I don't claim to even begin to understand how my own life works.

Apparently 95% of human behavior is predictable.

And I know that whatever percent of statistics are made up on the spot. But that's not the point here.

If we are so predictable, if everything really is just how it seems and all it takes is an extra perceptive glance... then why is the world the way that it is?

The unfairness of it all.

Poll time.

1. If a guy cheats on a girl, the girl should leave him?

2. When you cheat, you don't love you significant other.

I miss my old friends, I miss my old life, I miss those memories that now only pictures can remind me of. I wish for summer, I dream of last year, I pray for tomorrow, and I wish today would end faster.

Motto for today:

God give me the strength to accept those things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

That's a piece of the Serenity Prayer. Probably the only quote I will ever seriously consider tattooing on my body.

I know this blog is all over the place, but so is my mind tonight. I don't know up from down, and all the things I wish I could spill out have to stay inside.

Such is human nature.

Dream lovely dreams.

-Nessa-

Shit keeps happening? ;)

Well, apparently everyone thinks life sucks right now.. which I don't understand, because, despite my less than happy situation living at a friends house now, I still manage to somehow stay upbeat. I blame Sam Tooley.

According to Jorden, Rob is getting sent to jail, he and Amber got evicted... that really sucks.

I know two people who got their wisdom teeth out and are having a really hard time with it.

I'm starting to donate plasma on Friday.. I'm really not excited, because I have a terrible fear of needles, but seriously, that is an extra 190 per month that I could really use, so I will get over myself and let someone stick a needle in my arm and suck out my blood for three hours, slowly stealing my plasma. Whatever works, right?

When I was shoving everything I care about in this world into trash bags last night, a thought struck me... I knew I had a lot of crap, but seriously? There was so much stuff in my room that I just didn't even care about, forgot I had, or have no idea how it ended up there in the first place. Angel and I organized a little bit as we stuffed all my clothes, movies and other belongings into whatever containers we could find, but I still have a lot of stuff that needs boxing up or getting rid of.

Truly, it's ridiculous.

Sad thing is that I didn't get to take my bed with me.. The apartment I'm shooting for already comes sparsely furnished, and that includes a bed. I really liked that mattress.. I only got to have it for a few months, after heckling for a new one since I was fourteen years old. Lemme tell you, very sad day.

Well, I have to traverse my way back home to gather a few more essentials that I seem to have forgotten during my ten o'clock packing spree, so...

Peace

Love

Zen

MUSHROOMS!!!

-Nessa-

Peaches, I couldn't care less

Being on your own is supposed to be hard. Personally, I think it's getting to the point of being able to be on your own that's the hard part.
So last week I was out until three am with some friends, and my parents freaked and got mad...etc, etc, etc.
But the thing is, this time around they decided to overreact.
Because I broke my curfew by three hours (be that horrible and terrifying as it is) they decided that this transgression merited taking my car away for two weeks.
To which I said, Bullshit.
To which they said, Screw you.
To which I said, I'm moving out and I hate you, kthxbye.
Except not just like that.

So anyway I've been job/apartment hunting for the past couple days, and it's been buckets of fun, lemme tell you. I am stuck between two different apartment places.. One of which will pay all my initial down payments and rent for the first month. The second has no special stipulations.
Now, you say, well, that's an awesome deal, why the hell don't you pick that place?
It's kinda small and the shared room is teeny.. I don't know. The other place I went to I really like, but obviously won't pay for anything.
Evidently I like Option Two so much I'm willing to move into a friends house for a month in order to save to be able to pay all the admission fees.
Such is the stupidity of me. But then again, I still have time in which to make a decision.

Life is peachy. Except it's a peach off the ground with worms in it, so you have to take a knife to it and cut away all the bad to find the good.
Then enjoy.

-Nessa-

Happy V Day? I guess??

This day last year found me at Sam's apartment with Coriann, Cameron, Alyse??, Sam and the rest of the crew, eating sushi on a cardboard box and generally loving life.

This year it finds me sitting in bed when it is almost the afternoon, writing about how great times were last year, and trying to nurse my retarded phone back to health after it's memory became sufficiently depleted to the point of not letting me receive messages at all.

Last year I was surrounded by my best friends, and didn't really have a care in the world, although a few days later my world would explode thanks to a certain Brantley Miller...

This year I am no longer friends with Brantley Miller, and I think I have lost a few friends besides him since then.

Last year was awesome.

This year is average.

Go figure.

But either way, a Happy Valentines to you all, and hope that you can find someone special to snuggle with tonight, even if your official title includes 'single' and 'unattached'.

A day in the life of the person I could have been

I got to spend two awesome days with my brother this week while he was home, with him and many of his friends, partying at various apartments and enjoying myself more than I have in a long time.

I've made a couple recent decisions that I'm still trying to decide on as far as how good they are for my eventual well being. Its been one of those weeks where you see your life how it could be, might have been, has the potential to be.. it's a very eye opening type of experience.

I missed my brother. I did, however, see more of him that I would like to have *coughhackwheeze*, and I think I have overdosed on time spent with older brother and am perfectly alright with the fact that he is leaving Sunday morning.

Of course, right when he leaves I'm sure I'll just go back to missing him and disregard the fact that he spent most of this week doing things that make me worry for his eventual mental and physical health.

Such is the life of a Marine who does not enjoy bearing that title.

He has pretty awesome friends though. I know all of them, through school, the years, one of them I've known since I was a kid. So I never really had an awkward moment. It was just a bunch of friends hanging out.

All in all, I've had a pretty awesome week.

Another thing. I've realized why I have the friends I have. Female ones anyway.

Angel is my confidant for things that I know my other friends would just give me weird looks for and disregard. She accepts the things about me others would find strange or deterring, and tells me that the way I feel inside is okay, and normal, not bad and frowned upon.

Megan I can always trust, and I know that if I show up right in the middle of something and need just five minutes of her time, she will put everything down, listen and try to help see me through my problems. She and I 'connect' in many bizzare ways, and get along even better due to the fact that we have been through so much together, and are still alive, and best friends.

Alyse was the one I could gossip with. I could call her at one am, babble on about Sam and this and that, and 'Oh, he's so cute, and blah blah blah" and she would laugh and share and coo over all the adorable, idiotic feminine details.

My car's transmission is going out, by the way.. Thanks to Angel and Kendall looking at it, and listening to me verbalize the odd sounds and sensations that my little Toyota has been making, I think it may be able to be saved with some tinkering and TLC.

Seriously, that car is my life and I'll go mad if it dies. Only form of transportation and all...

I'm still being pressured to move out of my house. The relationship between my mom and I gets worse every day.. The last argument we had she said that I couldn't have more than one sleepover a week anymore because I have had four in row with Megan and "she just doesn't think that I am where I say I am". I have to have Megan call her and talk to her, and my mom reminds Megan every time to 'text her and let her know if I leave so that she can keep tabs on my whereabouts'.

I know I'm 18, and I know I live at home (their house, their rules, etc) but there has got to be a limit to how much she can control me and hold me down just because she thinks I'm always up to something.

Her fears are not unfounded, based on past experiences, but I'm just so tired of her calling me out left and right for stuff that I am really not doing! She thinks I'm sleeping around with one of Kendall's friends simply because she freaking hates said friend... Because I haven't been dating Sam for a year and a half!

I just wish I could find myself another job and go live in someone's basement.

If anyone feels like living with me, please, I am accepting potential roommates lol :)

As long as you pay rent on time and don't let me hear you doing the nasty through the wall, I'm totally cool with you lol.

You win some, you lose some.

Friends. That's what this one is about.

It's interesting to look back and see those people that have floated in and out of your life, to pick out the ones who mattered, and those who really didn't. You can usually trace a line of best friends straight up until where you are now.

I've got one friend still with me from elementary school, and while we don't talk so much anymore, I will always consider her one of my dearest acquaintances.

I met the majority of my friends in junior high and early high school. (I only have like three or four friends so that's not saying much lol). The apartment got me a few more once I left high school and the social aspect of life that high school presents was gone. That bunch has drifted sufficiently, but I still love all of them, and would give up my left arm to get together again like we used to.

Now..

I have one friend I know I can always trust.

I have one friend I know will always be there for me.
I have one friend I know will always make me laugh.
I have one friend who will always understand.

I have one friend who will never judge me on my past.

I have one friend who will never begrudge me what is mine.

I have one friend I can call at three am and I know they will pick up.

I have one friend who I can always enjoy being around.

These are all different people, and more than one fits in each category.

But.

I have one friend I can't trust.
I have one friend I can't rely on.

I have one friend who hurts me more than makes me smile.
I have one friend who just doesn't get it.

I have one friend who will always hold my past against me.

I have one friend who will begrudge every move I make.

I have one friend who will ignore me for better pursuits.

I have one friend I can't stand being with at all.

Again, different people, different categories.

It's how my life works for me. Pick and choose, hope for the best. Build you up, break you down, it's a daily thing. What comes tomorrow, you never saw coming yesterday. And what came last year, you thought would change you forever, but no longer matters in the present.

In other news, my kitty had to have his toe amputated :(. He is alright, just complaining like any old invalid. I feel bad for him though..

His paw prints are going to be quite distinct, what with only four toes to show for it. ;)

I decided that the next kitten I get will be a little tabby with at least two little white feet. And, he has to be obscenely cute, of course. Sam and I decided that I'll have to keep him in a reinforced steel box with air holes to make sure I don't inadvertently kill this one...

Off-color humor, I know, but it's almost true. I've already lost two.

My brother is home for the next couple days, it's been great seeing him! He swears around my parents constantly, so conversation is always bound to be worthwhile :). I get to hang out with him and Angel tonight, and I am so excited it's not even funny.

I'm waiting impatiently for winter to end, and dreading summer when Sam is going to be leaving for boot camp. Mostly I try not to think about the fact that less than a half a year from now he will be gone and I'll be reduced to seeing him three times a year, tops. Hopefully he'll get stationed on the west coast, not east, so that driving out to see him sometimes can be even a remote possibility.

School in the fall, and since my mom intends to kick me out, and I want to be out of the house after Sam leaves, I have to look into financial aid. Paying for school is gonna suck. Maybe I should become a stripper. Jk.

My days consist of 5 Buck and the few friends I still see, plus Sam. I got more hours so Saturday is now the only day that I do not work at all. I wish I could get myself a better job, but no amount of wishing is going to un-suckify the economy.. I suppose I could put a little more effort into job hunting.. hmmm...

Oh, and I hate drama. It's retarded, and I want it to go away. But hey, to quote Kendall...

"Shit happens."