The kitten that never was.

I got a kitten from the shelter.
He was adorable. The tips of his ears lopped down, so he always looked grouchy. A little tabby, with white paws, Hhe was skinny and cuddlly and seemed like all he needed was a good home and some food to eat.
He was put to sleep last night, after two days of loving, because he had feline distemper, and I couldn't pay to save his life.
Albeit, it would have been over one thousand dollars.
I feel like a failure.
I miss my Yoda.

I'm not owning pets anymore. I'm cursed. I've killed two kittens now.

His Infernal Majesty

*This was meant to be posted on Thursday night*

Self -reliance is a wonderful thing. But dependency on others undermines that, and becomes, ultimately, your greatest weakness in the conquest of life. Ideally, a person should have no acquaintances, no relationships in the outer world, so that ever decision made would be a selfish, inward facing, and ultimately personally beneficial one. (At least in the eyes of the decision-maker.)

But relationships make you weak. They make you cry. They make you hesitate and give up precious seconds that could have otherwise made all the difference when choosing or creating one outcome or another.

It is, to my relationships, that I write this. And please, realize that I'm not saying any of this because I have ever not, for even one second in time, enjoyed your company.

Cynicism is simply a terrible beat to war with.

Have you ever had a night where you needed to be with someone, a certain someone, and, oddly enough, the someone that you would never expect to want to be with.

Imagine that, but imagine also, not being able to be with them. To have to deal with an odd pining emotion that does nothing but eat at you all night long, as sleep evades you.

I have been separate from problems for a long time. I have avoided drama, and kept my small life intact quite well. Once I finally stopped screwing around as far as education was concerned and just got my shit together as best I knew how, things started to change.

During this time, I discovered who my real friends were. Those few people that stay with you through everything, those are the people who matter. The ones that fuck up, fuck you up, and fuck up with you, then say sorry, those are the ones that you want to keep around.

But loving other people makes your life harder. You don't stop to think about what loving them will do to you. You don't realize that one day your going to wake up and have to pick. Them, or You.

And if I know myself at all, I will always pick Them. I will always give up what I cannot afford to lose for the people I care about. I will do my utmost to go out of my way to make a sad friend happy again. I will try my hardest to live up to what a friend needs me most to be in a friendship.

I will give a guy my heart, I will do my best to make him happy. I will give him whatever he wants, I will love him to my limit and beyond, and I will stretch myself thin and tired doing all of this. And I will keep doing it.

Humans are selfish. So am I. Deciding to be selfless and giving will not change this fact. Even a monk devoting his life to a deity in which he and his whole soul believes in and upon.. even he will occasionally consider "What if?"

What if I take what is not mine?

What if I take for granted that for which I should be grateful?

What if I lie to those who deserve the truth?

What if?

There are very few people in my life to which these questions do not apply. There are so very few people to whom I will always owe my utmost thanks, and my undying love and gratitude.

You a mudder-fukker!! He he ;)

Anyway.. so this weekend was once again spent in Logan. Wanna hear the catch? It snowed. A lot.
I left on Saturday morning with the intent of going to my old friend Ryan's house; he's from my program and I hadn't seen him for almost two years. He has been in rehab until not too long ago, and it was the most wonderful thing ever to see him again.
I think I know why he is one of only two people from my program with which I hold any correspondece anymore.
We are so..alike. We get along, we constantly tease each other, and that inhibiting shyness I seem to get with everyone, I never get with him. Normally, if someone I haven't heard from in a long time calls me, I won't answer the phone because I worry over and over about 'What do I say to them? I don't want awkward lulls in conversation.. What if they want to hang out? I'm going to be bored if we do/They will be bored if we do...' The list for this apprehensive madness goes on and on..
But when Ryan called me two weeks ago, I saw his name and all but snapped my phone in half trying to answer the call.
It's shocking how much I've missed him. I very rarely get along with anyone THAT well..
It's cuz he's an ass, that's why. I've figured it out. No guy has ever teased me as much as he does and gotten away from it unharmed, only Ryan hehehe..

So anyway, on the way to Ryan's in Roy, I nearly got killed. I was in the little Honda, our dinky red car, and I got boxed in by three semi trucks (I was in an outer lane) going like seventy on icy, snowy roads, with limited visibility. So I thought it was all over for me. Then, later on, once I was near Roy, I got stuck behind a bulldozer who was spraying snow everywhere, and this stuff was complete powder, so it shot into the air and whitewashed everything. Including me. Which meant that I couldn't see worth a damn not even five feet in front of me. I thought I hated driving in the rain.. oh no, ladies and gentlemen, I'll drive in the rain every day of my life if it means I never have to drive in a blizzard again.

I was only minorly traumatized by the time I got to Ryan's house. I hung out with him for like five hours (as if that was enough, I have to go up and see him again, there's a lot more catching up to do lol) then I ran from Willard to the Logan canyon.
That canyon is evil. It was sent from hell to devour innocent little teens traveling to see their significant others at USU.
I followed this jeep at less than thirty miles per hour for almost an hour through a winding path that I couldn't actually see.. matter of fact, I couldn't see anything, not even five feet around me, although trust me when I say I wasn't busy sightseeing throughout that drive. In fact the only thing I remember is the two red backlights off the jeep and line of tire tread tracks in front of me that I followed while I prayed asking God to let me live...

The weekend up there was fun, I got to go with Sam and his friends to pick up a guy named Preston from jail... Preston is sort of totally awesome, and it was really nice to see him.
Sam has some crazy friends though.. His friend Jessie and her friend..hmm, it started with a J too.. well, either way, they are both totally insane, and talk like kids, and are more hyper than anyone I've ever met.. and also completely awesome. I don't know why he still dates me, I look like a boring old hag standing next to them lol. They were singing and yelling the whole way to the jail and back, and around a couple places before we went home. The title of my blog was what the unnamed girl kept yelling out the window at people, it was hilarious.

You know, it's funny. I spend the weekend up there doing nothing, just watching shows online with Sam, taking the occasional trip out, or just getting food to live off of. And even though I get bored out of my mind sometimes, it's really all ok.. cuz I'm with Sam. Bored as I am, I get to hold his hand while I do it. I get to kiss him during the twenty-five second commericals, and I get to fall asleep with him partially crushing me.
That's why I can't sleep at night. He isn't lying on my arm and leg, and no amount of stuffed animals can make up the difference. Trust me. I've tried.
I'll just get a giant six foot tall doll stuffed with beans to sleep with. That'll work wonderfully...
jk

Now for the painful part. I had made it to Logan. My parents didn't know. I was alive. I even made it home in one piece. And then, pulling into the driveway, I took the turn too sharp annnnndd... totally hit the fence post and messed up the side of our little red car. Fuck. My. Life.
The snow of course was the culprit, I would have been fine if the car hadn't have lost it's grip on the driveway and slid sideways...
Of course, getting it unstuck from the snow and everything else got the side damaged even worse, but really? What can I do. I just have to save up and help my parents out. It was my fault, and I'll take responsibility.. it just sucks, you know?

The final upside to my day (the car not counting as an upside) was that my brother's belated birthday gift for me came in from Japan. :)
He got me real silk bedsheets.

REAL.

SILK.

BEDSHEETS.

LIKE OH MY GOD.

As you can tell, I am thoroughly stoked over this. He also got me a really pretty necklace, I absolutely love it.
Have I ever mentioned I love my brother?

So I think that's all the interesting stuff that's happened to me, random thoughts in between... Hope everyone is having a lovely time pre-holiday explosion.

LOVE YOU ALL!!
-Nessa-

The G.E.D.

Well, my scores came in online today.
Shock/stun: I passed everything. I sucked at Math and Science (Sadly, I thought I did well on Science at the very least). I did really well at Language Arts and Social Studies though. (I'm so confused about that though, because Social Studies was all this political shit that I TOTALLY guessed on, I had no clue what I was doing).
They don't grade the writing section of the test for a bit, it takes about one or two weeks to process, but I think I passed that too, considering English is my strongest point.
I scored above average on everything, since average is like 450/800... but that's really not saying much.



Hmm. I'm not going to go to college until fall semester I decided. One reason would be a bigger selection of class choices, which Sam brought to my attention. Another is that I want to save money, since I've had to be spending so, so, SO much of it as of late.
You might wanna tack on a 'I'm not going yet just because I'm lazy' too.. because I'm sure that has something with it.
We're taking accomplishent one step at a time folks, no headlong rushes into fantasies of educational success here.

Just another day in the life.
Oh, I got a new mattress. That's a nice something to throw in.

*sigh*
-Nessa-

T-Mobile vs. Nessa's Bank Account

There are moments in life that make you want to go out and do violent acts upon persons or objects of unknown origin. This.. is one of those moments.
Samuel Tooley... You are the bane of my life. I adore you...but you drive me nuts. If I had a tab going on just how much money you owed me... You'd owe me more than you owe Deena.
So your lucky I love you, because this tab doesn't exist.
However.
Next time I see you, you have earned yourself a prompt ass kicking. After this, you will swear to be my slave for time and all eternity, and basically worship me.
Or something pretty damn close to that.
So help me God, if I have to pay that phone bill for one more month....

Just to let everyone know, I'm laughing pretty hard right now, because this whole phone bill situation has gone past frustrating, and has hit the 'This is so ridiculous, it's become hilarious' stage.

The things I do for my boyfriend.
Sam, your so dead.
Do you hear me?
Dead.
D-E-A-D.

Best part? I am STILL going to try and come see you this weekend. But only to kick your ass. Then I'll go back home.

Dead cookies.
-Nessa-

18 Ain't So Sweet

Well, I've been for a few days now, and there's really nothing to report beyond what you already know. I spent a weekend with Sam again, and am bringing him down for Thanksgiving and the days prior to.

Oh, and for anyone who cares.. New Moon sucked. It was better than Twilight, they actually stuck to the storyline, and only made a few changes for plot progression, but it was all perfectly alright.

But it sucked.

I'm starting to wonder if the movie isn't just directed to have everyone but the exceptionally exuberant (Aro and Alice for example) talk in monotone and show minor facial expression.

I mean, the only acting in that movie I liked was done by not-really main characters.

Aro (He's Lucien from Underworld, for the brainless)

Alice (She has facial expressions and knows how to smile)

Jane (Dakota Fanning is a cute little girl, and I KNOW she knows how to act)

Laurent (One of the rouge vampires who travels with Victoria, he did well)

Charlie (He does the awkward loving dad really well)

Emily (Good acting, and I like how they depicted her scars from Sam)

I'm thoroughly depressed that I just named the excessive cast of minor unimportant actors as the ones I thought did the best.

Jacob stays half naked for a fair part of the movie. Guess that's an upside.

Sigh.

That movie sucked balls.

Well, everyone, pray for me on the drive home, because in this cold weather, at my car's age, I'm not sure it's going to survive the return voyage back to good ol' Alpine.

Peace, Love, Zen, MUSHROOMS!!!

(Lol to Megan and Angel)

-Nessa-

It's happening again.

First and foremost, before I dive into the deep stuff, I just want to let you all know.
I pierced my nose :)
Hurt like a motherfucker though.. God. And it bled like none other. I've never had a bonifide nose bleed in my life, but today I got to see what it would look like if I ever did. My nose really would not stop bleeding lol.
Anyway. Onward.

Stuff is changing. My vague but planned future is gone from before my eyes and replaced with indistinct images of what it could be like, but only maybe.
You know how everyone has a 5 year plan? I don't tend to go that far (loser like me doesn't want to get their hopes up too high ;) ) but I did have a plan.
AAAAANNNNDDDD now it's gone.
I guess.. I planned to go to UVU for a year, get all those Generals out of the way, then, as I'd hoped and as Sam had finally said he was okay with, I'd go to USU in Logan.
Well, my Sam has decided (not without good reason, if you haven't already read his blog, please do so http://practicalpracticallity.blogspot.com/2009/11/growing-up.html), that he is going to join the Coast Guard.
To be honest, I have no idea how I feel about this, but only on a personal level. I'm glad that he's working things out for himself so he can be better.
I guess I pictured stuff a little different, you know? More to the point, I pictured being with Sam a little more than it looks like I'm going to be.
Basic training would be 8 weeks in New Jersey, and then I'd only be able to write him.

When I told Megan I was sticking with him through this, she basically looked at me like I was nuts. She said she doesn't get how I'll be able to do it.
Best part? I don't either.

I suppose you could post my mood as discouraged. I guess I'll just do what I always do, which is be outwardly optimistic and keep laughing about life with my friends. Then go home, find Sam's dog Lou, curl up with my cats, and cry it off when it gets to be too much.
It's worked in the past.
OH.
And eat TONZ AND TONZ OF CHOCOLATE.
jk.

End of story: I love him. I'll do anything for him. Even if 'anything' means waiting for him to come home to me. I know what he is doing is for the better. I know it's what he wants. So I'll support him. That's my job, right?
A guy's perfect girlfriend checklist:

• Love
• Support
• Food
• Sex

That's the condensed list.
And I'm joking about the last one :)
(Okay not really.)

<3
-Nessa-

Holy of Holies

So, as some of you may have otherwise been informed, I have money problems. But, somehow, due to my insane work schedule, the generosity of friends, the fact that my birthday is on the seventeeth, and a healthy dose of sheer dumb luck, I have suddenly come come up basically even.
I have to pay for my full phone bill (Sam, I love you, get a job soon babe), pay for my car battery (I'm driving the little Honda Civic Del Sol, it's sexy >:) ), I have to pay Megan back (I hit Mr. Mexican and his precious WHITE van..), pay for car insurance (which, thankfully, did not go up due to my speeding ticket), pay for my speeding ticket (that I thankfully did not get screwed on), and monthly gas expenditures.. etc.
I have, due to my exceptional awesomeness, figured out how to pay for all this. I feel..well, awesome.

The point of all that, was, that today, I finally found myself with some extra cash. And, for the first time in about.. one or two months, I had sushi. Gorgeous, wonderful, delectable sushi, in all its glorious perfection. I didn't realize how much I missed that stuff until I ate it again.
My parents are taking me to lunch there tomorrow. :) So I get to further indulge. I'm so happy!!

So, (still on the subject of food), apparently I'm destined to have three cakes this year. First, Sam's mom made me one; it was star-shaped and had this really yummy icing on it. Hehe XP. Sam made the cake. His whole family can cook, it's almost annoying, because I really can't cook at all.
The second was the cream cheese pie my mom made me last night. It's like the better tasting version of cheesecake, because I don't like cheese cake that much, with cherries on top. It's to die for, to say the least.
Then, third and final Jerremy's mom (?????) is making me one that has to do with lots of chocolate and Andes Mint shavings on top.. I sort of accidentally saw/overheard Shauna (Jerr's mom) and Megan talking about it. I don't know how they didn't see me standing at the end of the bed...but whatever works.

The moral of this story?
I am going to get fat.
And right after my birthday comes Thanksgiving, which I am celebrating with the Tooley Clan this year. They have this tendancy to make enough food to feed double the attending party..
Then my grandparents are coming out and I'm having a second Thanksgiving that Sunday, three days later.
The moral of that story??
I'm going to get REALLY. REALLY. FAT.

In other news.. I had to drive my dad to the hospital on Sunday morning, the day my Uncle Mark and my cousin Steven were due to arrive, but later in the afternoon.
My dad was in crippling pain, and I was almost angry that the doctors took as long as they did.
Lo and behold, my father had kidney stones.
After talking to people, those people including doctors, I found out (even though I had already suspected this) that kidney stones are hereditary.
Earlier today I heard my mom on the phone with my Grandma, and apparently kidney stones comes from both sides of my family..
I told my mom that, for the moment, I was grateful that I'm not blood related to either of my parents.
They say that the pain of having kidney stones is only second to childbirth. So guys, try having kidney stones the size of golf balls.
And that really does not make me excited for kids either.
I'll just have cats.
That sounds good.
*meow*

I'm actually not happy about turning 18. It's like this huge milestone that I've been waiting for since I was fourteen, and now that it's here, I'm terrified that I have nothing to show for it. I'm not where I thought I would be when I turned 18 years old, and I've also used up about 1/4 of my life on Earth.
Just think. In about sixty years (assuming I live to eighty-ish) I'll be dead.
Alright, so that's just a bit melodramatic.
I still don't want to be 18, despite the benefits.
But, inevitably, tomorrow morning around eight am, I will be eighteen years of age..
*sigh*
I feel old. I can almost feel the wrinkles coming on!!

I can remember what I was doing last year though. I was with Sam. And I'm still with Sam. Oddly, I think that's the best birthday present of all. He's loved me this long, he still loves me..
despite, well, everything.
I love you, baby :)

Now, what should I spend my birthday money on?

Loves.
-Nessa-

Shit Happens.

So, remember how I hit someone? Yeah, well, this seems to have been the week for firsts. (I mean the past week.)
I got a speeding ticket while I was up in Logan. There is this long road leading down to a gas station, and neither Sam nor myself could figure out what the speed limit was on it, so we just drove the speed that the person in front of us was going..
So, I left to go get Taco Bell at night, and Sam went to go get his own food, and on my way back while I was focusing on my tacos, I didn't realize I went forty something past a cop going the other way.
Naturally he pulled me over. I was going nineteen over the speed limit (Go figure it would be a 25 mph zone).
He only wrote me down as going nine over, and I was thanking him over and over again. He and his partner who pulled over to help check stuff out were really nice, and his partner was actually Aggie alumni. I got to talk to him while the other guy wrote my ticket.
So, I have that to pay for, an overdue phone bill, gas, car payments.. I'll only just make it on finances this month, and that's if I decide to let someone stick needles in my arm so I can donate plasma.
Sounds fun right?
Lol, we all know I hate needles with an unfathomable passion.
Shit happens.
Think I'll get that tattooed on me.
Seems to be the story of my life :)
Love you all
-Nessa-

It was an accident of a vehicular variety.

If any of you have noted, as Alyse has, the rather..erm...downtrodden tone of my blogs, I need to apologize. I guess the past week just really hasn't been a good one.
I am famous for working myself into unnecessary depressions, and overreacting about stuff that hasn't even happened...
For instance. (Dumb example.)
Say... I have a pumpkin. A really nice pumpkin. I like this pumpkin a lot, and it's my favorite thing ever. I...loan this pumpkin to someone and don't see it for a long time.
I start working myself up thinking that the pumpkin will get lost, or smashed, or I'll just never see it again, and before I know it, I'm upset and depressed and emotional over something that hasn't happened, and most likely won't happen.
See, I do this to myself over things, and people.
So, due to this awesome character flaw, I really haven't had a great week.
BUT.
I have a great boyfriend.
Whoooooo has a habit of walking in right when things are at their worst and saying or doing something that just..makes everything okay again. Even if it is only just bearable, he makes it better. He did that for me last night, and all of today.
Now, it's story time.
I ran into someone with my car.
No one died, sorry to disappoint.

Okay. So I had a really sucky day at work (I covered for Megan on Tuesday) and I had just gotten off. I was upset, tired, messed up over Sam, and life was just..shit, basically.
I reversed out of my spot in 5 Buck, not even looking behind me and BAM!!! I ran straight into the back of this guy in a white van driving behind me.
I got some little black scratches over his rear left wheel, on the side of his car, and that was it, so I considered myself lucky.
It was him, his two young boys and his wife, and he worked just over at the Whistle Wok right by 5 Buck, and he was really nice, if not very obviously upset with this turn of events in his night.
We exchanged information, and he said that he would have his car looked at to be fixed and quote me a price to pay.
Now, I am going out of my way to keep this from my parents. I am trying to pay him out of pocket so A: My mom and dad don't have to know and B: So our insurance rates don't go up or anything.
Anyway, so he called me today, and said that the Auto Collision Shop in A.F. quoted him 800 FREAKING DOLLARS to get a couple of black marks fixed up on his car.
EIGHT. HUNDRED.FUCKING. DOLLARS. FOR THREE LITTLE DINGS.
As we can imagine, I freaked.
But he, being the exceptionally and inordinately kind man that he is, asked me for 350 and he would pay the rest.
At this point I need to add that I have friends that are too good for me. Megan said she'll help me with the 150 I need ( I told the guy, Roul, I should call him, that I could pay him 200 on the spot; I just got paid), and so I am going to be able to somehow work all this out.
Sam is also helping me with gas money for when I go see him in Logan this weekend.
Everyone I know is just too good for me, they really are. I don't deserve the friends and boyfriend I have, and I am very grateful for them.
I'd literally be dead without them.
So my day today was wonderful, and life is getting back to being a little closer to peachy keen.
I'm so excited to see my boyfriend :)
SAMMY!! I LOVE YOU!
I should probably throw on something for Megan too..
MEGAN!! YOUR AMAZING!! STOP IT!! YOUR SPOILING ME!!
And Alyse, for staying up until 2:45 on the phone discussing life last night. I miss doing that. Thanks for staying on with me hun. :) I miss talking to you all the time.

I guess it's really hard to look on the bright side of things when there's seeming to always be a cloudy sky above. But with cloudy skies comes warmer days, and rain to dance in. And when it gets windy and cold, you get to go inside with the person you love most and cuddle under some blankets to watch a good movie :)

Night all :)
Think of all the people who make your cloudy days worth going through.
-Nessa-

The Halloween That Didn't Happen

Well, I was supposed to see Cameron and Coriann on Halloween.
I ended up watching The Matrix in my basement and then being told it was too late to go over.
Sam went over the next morning to say hi.
Annnnd didn't take me.
So I didn't get to see either of them.
I am exceptionally unhappy about this.
Then again, I'm exceptionally unhappy about a lot of things.
To be honesty, I am an exceptionally dissatisfied child, in almost all the aspects of my life right now.
I think I need some bracing advice.
If anyone has good advice to give.
And cheering up.
I need a lot of that.

Do not read. Is pointless.

You ever have those days where you sit around and do nothing? Well, today was one of those days.

Angel woke me up at nine am (on the dot I might add) to keep her company until she had to go to her chiropractor at nine forty-five. I ended up going with her, and we hung out until around two ish until she had to go give her dad's car back (her's is dead, and she's getting a new one).

I told her I would give her a ride from the dealership back to my house, where all her things were, but once I got to the dealership, my car died.

They guys there were really nice, they got out a portable jumper and attached it to my car, but it took like ten or fifteen minutes and three different guys getting in my car to mess with it to get it to start. Basically I need a new battery... The one I currently have is slowly wheezing itself to death.

So, once we got that started I took Angel to my house, and then to work. After that I sat on my ass and watched the gayest movie ever online, and want another two hours of my life back. I knew I should have watched Cry, Baby with Johnny Depp instead.

I really need this weekend to come faster, I'm basically going insane lol.

Ah, but I did have a small high point in today. Angel set me up to see her chiropractor next Thursday. I get a massage, all that, and I'm really excited. My back hates me lol.

I'm sorry if this is pessimistic, uninformative, short, and altogether useless information, but I am desperate to kill even five minutes of time, and so far that's just what I've done.

*sigh*

-Nessa-

I hate coming up with these little titles all the time. I'm not exceptionally witty, you see.

Geez, I start blogging and everyone else runs away. Something is wrong with the picture. Okay, so maybe everyone but Alyse. She seems to be the only one who blogs with any sense of regularity.
So, this week has been average. Basically all I am doing is waiting for this weekend, I'm sort of excited for Halloween, irregardless of what I end up doing.
Oh, have I ever mentioned that I get really frustrated with ALWAYS being the youngest out of all my friends from school and such? Just today Sam texted me, telling me that I should be 18 so I can go to a party at his school.
And then at Angel's party, or after it really, they went clubbing and I had to go home lol.
I mean, it's really not so bad, it's just annoying. But hey, only..*counts on fingers* twenty more days to go!

I have to tell you a funny conversation I had with my mom the other day. We got to talking about tattoos (again) and then the topic sort of started varying between that and random piercings.
My mom actually told me that the piercings on the side of your nose are cute. Or that she thinks so, anyway. And when I asked her if I could get one, she almost smiled and said "If it was that or a tattoo, I'd say go ahead with the piercing."
So, basically, I'm getting that for my birthday. I'm excited :)

So it snowed yesterday morning, and it only started after Sam called and said that it was all over the place up in Logan. My mom dug out my world's most awesome parka ever this morning, one that I had totally forgotten about, so now I just have to go out and buy myself some very unattractive long underwear, and I'm all set for winter!
No, seriously though. I hate winter. But I only hate it if I have to go outside and the wind is blowing at an icy God-knows-what, like I did today. Other than that, I love snow, I love the smell of the nighttime, and I love how insanely clear the skys are. I'm excited for deep winter, when you can go walking in the snow at night and everything is almost totally silent and glowing.
See? I'm not so pessimistic lol

Well, nothing of any minor importance to write about anymore.
Much love, see you all soon.
-Nessa-

Drag Me to Hell....*shifty eyes*

I feel like I haven't slept for a week and as Halloween edges ever closer I wonder how on earth I am going to survive.

I need a new mattress. I have been needing one for, oh, the past ten years. I got my own queen sized bed when I was five, and when I was about twelve, my parents made me switch them mattresses. They had been sleeping on theirs for 7 or 8 years already... and suffice it to say, it wasn't in the best condition.

So here I am five years later with a mattress that has long since been destroyed.. with back pains like an old woman.

I toss and turn and wake up and try to sleep again but can't, and only until total exhaustion finds me do I slip into a sleep that is so easily interrupted I may as well become an insomniac.

It's getting old.

Aside from that, I made the mistake of watching Drag Me to Hell. It wasn't a mistake because it was too scary and I now have nightmares.. It was a mistake because it was so unbelievably fucking stupid.

Its one of those movies that, as the end credits roll, you sit there and say "Fucking hell, give me two hours of my life back."

See, I'd promised Angelique that I would watch it with her, and as badly as I didn't want to, I followed through, and we rented it on Saturday night after work. At first I thought it might have had potential, even with the really bad effects.. but in the end the only redeeming quality of this movie whatsoever was the fact that you very briefly get to see Justin Long with his shirt off.

That was my redeeming quality anyway.

Oh, and this chick sacrifices a little tabby kitten to try and get this devil Lamia spirit to leave her alone and not take her to hell.. I basically wanted to find the producer and fucking crucify him after that.

Cats are now a very painful subject when dead. Of course this is because of Juke.

I just about started crying when she was buring the dead kitten in the backyard.

I'm such a wuss right? Well I miss Juke. So screw you.

Anyhow..

My costume is so past slutty and charging onward into the realm of God knows what..that I think I'm just going to wear jeans and a T-Shirt for Halloween and not do my hair or something. I look scary enough like that. :)

Sam got the swine flu, along with some of his friends... so everyone should expect to catch the flying pig disease once Halloween rolls around :)

Oh, and Angelique might be moving to Arizona..or England. Her dad might get a job over there, and I am really depressed that she might be leaving. I don't know what I will do without my Angel-face... probably explode. She kept me company while Megan was on vacation hehe. But really, I have a very short list of friends. I don't need it getting any shorter, thanks.

And one more thing. I should be a photographer, I decided it would be fun.

Don't worry, I'll forget I said that within the next fifteen minutes.

Peace, love, MUSHROOMS!!!

-Nessa-

Good news, everyone! *says like guy on Futurama*

So, my boss is working me Saturday morning, so I will be able to see everyone that night :) I'm rather happy about this.
Unfortunately, I don't have a costume, because I suck at life. Still working on that though.
I also have a dollar and something cents in my account, which means I am poor, almost broke, and screwed. That's always fun, right?
Trying to fix that too.
Besides that not much else has happened.
Oh, I love the tv show The Mentalist. It's a good one. Go watch it.
Love.
-Nessa-

*Inhales* Here we go.

So I haven't posted since...*checks posts* the twenty-eighth of September. So three weeks. I love how I sort of got into this and everyone else did, and now everyone blogs and I don't. I'm such a loser. Even Jorden and Cameron are posting more, and we all almost never hear from them these days..

And Sam just doesn't post. Ever. he has like, what, two posts total? He's just too busy sitting in his little dorm listening to cowboy rap.. (He knows what I'm talking about.)
He said he was going to last night before his phone died and he hung up on me... but he lied.

So. My weekend. Or rather, my past three weeks. Or the highlights therin, because I wouldn't dare bore you with my all to average life.

Well, I stole the truck two weeks ago and drove my ass to Logan to pick up Sam because it had been three weeks since I'd seen him and I wasn't going to wait for another one.. Lemme tell you, that was a stressful drive. Once you get past Salt Lake and out a bit further, the freeway gets to be a two lane drive from hell where everyone is going eighty, and you know that if you drift six inches in either direction your either going to slam into the concrete median or into the small moving van next to you.. Oh, and did I mention that truck belongs to my brother?

Anywho, so I kidnapped him and got to see Logan for a glorious six seconds..then proceeded to book it back to the highway and make it home in record time to get to work. I'm awesome. The drive back was a lot easier because I had company and wasn't just staring at the road stressing the ever living hell out of myself.

We spent the whole weekend together and watched Lucky # Slevin in my basement, which now has the fluffiest, most orgasmic carpet in the history of fluffy, orgasmic carpet. We ended up doing a double feature with Liar, Liar. You know, the one with Jim Carrey. (FREAKING LOVE THAT MOVIE)
We also went to the movie theater Friday night to see Zombieland (OMG) and then on Saturday morning we saw Surrogates with Bruce Willis. That was really good too.
As you can see, we watch too much television.

Once he went back to good ol' Logan, I just went through my week as usual. Work three to four times a week, sit on my ass for the rest of it... oh, school.

So, I went down to the MATC maybe two weeks or so ago. I had previously gone to East Shore, but after talking to a councilor, I discovered that the 5 credits you get from taking the GED no longer counted toward an adult diploma, which is what I was wanting to do.
Basically I would still have to do about fourteen credits in East Shore to get a diploma.
The councilor summed up all this depressing information to me, and then said that I would be a lot better off and save a bunch of time if I just strolled on over to the MATC and got the information to just take the GED and be done with it.
I was reluctant, as we can all imagine. But the councilor encouraged me in this path, and said that if I took the GED asap, then I could be in to college as early as January. I like this thought quite a bit.
So I went to the school and over the period of two days took some tests that would tell the teachers there how ready I was for the GED, and what parts of my academic knowledge needed work.
I did really well according to the girl who was grading my tests, although when she held up the results there were so many little red marks that I thought she was joking when she said that I was ready to take the GED and they could sign me up whenever through BYU or UVU.
So the next year of my life looks like this.
Attend UVU until January 2011 at which point I transfer up to USU to be with Sam.
Yeah, yeah, so I sound like the typical stalkerish girlfriend, but Sam told me he was okay with it, and, frankly, after spending last weekend up there with him, I really like Logan. It's quaint and small, and I just..I dunno. I love it there.
Which brings us to the most recent weekend with Sam.
His friends scare me, and Hooka (spelling???) is good for you.
See, here's my first impression of the place. I got there at about 10:30 in the morning (Sam was still sleeping) and I got some cute guy to let me in. I walk inside and go right, until the cute guy says left to the elevator, but not before I see a rather...uhm...fat man... wearing nothing but blue spandex. Did I mention that he had a very hairy chest?
Imagine that image to start your morning. Needless to say, I was scared to go upstairs.
Sam had told me previously that Mountainview Tower was also called the Man Tower, and that the fifth floor, which is his, was named the Man Floor. I thought he was kidding until I saw a poster on the wall declaring just that, with the floor occupants signatures all over it.
It smelled like a Man Tower, lemme tell you...
After a ride in a smelly elevator (it was only smelly because two guys who looked like they needed a shower had just walked out of it) I wandered around trying to find Sam's room, and finally succeeded. I was just grateful everyone was asleep so I didn't have to get weird looks.
I didn't get to meet Sam's roomate Kyle until later that night, and by that time I had met a portion of his friends, a couple of which said they 'had heard a lot about me.' Needless to say, despite my best efforts, I spent the vast majority of Saturday blushing like mad.
I'm really bad with new people.
Oh, and did I mention that I can make it too and from Logan in about an hour and forty five minutes? I'd go faster, but I drive Kendall's truck and don't want to wreck it. Still, that's a half hour off of average travel time. I'm pretty proud of myself.
Not much besides all that is new with me..
As you can see I spend all my time either with Sam, wanting to be with Sam, or talking about Sam. Pitiful right?

Random tidbits to take up space:

Angelique got in an accident and totalled her car. And got fired by Sky. Then he hired her again. He's just bi-polar like that.
Megan lives with Jerremy now in his basement. Jerr's parents kicked out their older son Jeffrey and let Megan have his room. I think it's freaking hilarious. She's in Vegas right now and is going to Knotts Berry Farm sometime this week too. *ENVY*
I want the MyTouch phone.
I hate fall. It means that winter is coming.
We moved the couches into the basment so now there is somewhere to sit and watch movies.
My grandparents are coming for Thanksgiving. On my mom's side.
My parents are leaving me alone for a week and a half for the first time in living memory while they go on vacation. I'm excited for that lol. PARTY!!
I'm eighteen in..four days short of a month.

Hmmm....Oh, I'm really excited for Halloween :) I get to see Cori, and Cameron, and Sam is coming down (or he had better anyway), and we all get to hang out like old times and catch up.
That is, if I can get work off. I remember last year I had it off, but that was only because I worked mornings.
I wrote it on the schedule but I'm worried Sky will just say No, sorry, screw you, kthxbye. MEMEMEMEMEME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really trying to come up with something to intrest you people.
Fail.
Kk, love you all, I'll try to post more, I really will.
-Nessa-

Hooooly Crap.

So, I read Cori's latest blog and I realized that I don't have shit to complain about, lol, honestly, her life is going doom, gloom, KABOOM!!! And I am sitting here wanting to have my own personal pity party because Sam has to work this weekend. The weekend I have been looking forward too since two weekends ago.
See, hearing "I work this Saturday" when you have been waiting to go see your boyfriend that your crazy for and miss like a pain in your chest... it's not good. Actually it's rather bad. I think I was having a relatively good night before he told me that.
I guess I am considering just going down there anyway and chilling with Robert or Brittani for the weekend so I can still actually see Sam... But if I asked him he'd probably say "No, don't, just wait, another week isn't so bad." Or something like that.
Considering I just asked him I'll be sure to insert his reply just for progression's sake.
In other news..
I'm working a bit more now. I added about.. 10 hours per week to my schedule. So instead of sixteen it's now twenty six. Which means about 52 hours per paycheck. Which means I am making a little less than one hundred dollars more! I'm so happy!
I don't mean to brag. But seriously. That extra money is going to go a long way. I'm really happy!
I'm going to punch Sam. More like the people who hired him. *sigh*
I keep re-realizing exactly how hard being away from him and doing a long distance relationship is.
Angelique harps on about how I should just break up with Sam and go find some cute random guy to fool around with like she does. Well, not random, but you get the point.
I really would rather tell her to be quiet, because honestly, as nice as it would be to have someone around like Sam used to be, I don't want anyone else.
I think I tried to tell Sam this the other night. I just wanted him to know.. but I don't feel like I can really tell him that sometimes.
So here we go.
I don't want anyone but Sam. I miss being close to him, it drives me crazy to be so far away. I get loved starved and need someone to cuddle with.
But no matter how much I miss him, or want him, or get mad at him.. I still love him. I can be frustrated as hell for him, say, not talking to me. I can chuck my phone at the wall, swear at him, try to dislike him.. but then he tells me he loves me and everything gets erased.
He's everything I ever want. Just how I want it. All his quirks included. Top to bottom, through and through, he's everything to me.
I think if I told him that, in those words, I'd feel like a moron. Oh well.
I miss him.
Horribly.
This sucks.

-Nessa-

Nessa Victorious *And Depressed*

This is getting ridiculous.
Cameron. Coriann.
Both of you, stop being idiotic. Cameron, stop trying to save her from something she doesn't need to be saved from.
Coriann, hit him until he realizes you love him irregardless of time and space and whatever the hell else keeps getting in your two's way.
I've never seen two people so crazy about each other without one another. Seriously. Put your blogs side by side, and maybe you'll get that all that is being caused here is quaint misery.

Please? I love you both.

I got my car? That's good news. On the not so great side of things, I split my finger open a few days ago and typing with my right ring finger effing kills.
I bought some designer jeans too. I love them.
I ran out of money so I'm not going to school till October. Oh well. Whats another two weeks of killing time at my house... Been doing it ever since Sam left. Speaking of which..

*Now, I had written something to Sam here, but I deleted it due to the fact that it would most likely make him angry with me*

I miss everyone.
-Nessa-

In Memoriam of Juke: 3/13/09 - 9/12/09

Sweet little Juke died sometime last night. He got hit by a car. I found him
wrapped in a towel on the side of the road.. at least someone
was kind enough to do him that justice.
I'm going to miss him terribly, and I'm sure that everyone who watched him grow up in that apartment will too.
To be honest I haven't stopped crying since I found him.
I buried him at the bottom of our yard beneath a tree.. He really liked climbing trees, go figure.
I guess I'm glad that I was able to cuddle with him on the couch before I went to work on Friday.. I didn't see him since.
He was being so cute too. All sleepy and bleary eyed. He was hugging my hand with his paws and hiding his face.
I'm always going to remember how funny he looked right after Sam and I gave him a bath, he looked like a little alien.
And I suddenly don't mind so much that he liked to bite.
I'm pretty sure he was born on March 13th.. so he lived a happy life for the seven months he was alive.
That silly little thing wasn't even full grown yet.
I suppose I should complain about the injustice of it all, that he died so young. But really, I know that everyone he was around loved him and coddled him more than should be healthy for any kitten. I know I did my best to take care of him. Things like this just happen sometimes.
I love you Juke. I'm going to miss waking up to you licking my face. And petting your pretty fur.
Bye bye fuzzball.
We all love you.

Please leave comments for Juke, kay?

Fate Is My Marionette Strings

You know how, sometimes, you become so thoroughly fed up, angry, or depressed by something you feel like your going to explode?
That was me about thirty to forty minutes ago.

All I have to say is thank GOD for good friends, and even better boyfriends. And when I say my boyfriend is better than my friends..that's almost crossing the line. They are neck in neck for place of Most Awesome People I Know right now.

So, tonight, I recieved some.. feather-rumpling news. But before I embark on my long winded and pointless story, I need some back story first.

I have been waiting...and waiting...AND WAITING...for this weekend. I haven't seen Sam for three weeks and I miss him with a pain equal to being kicked in the face by a horse. (Now go think about getting kicked in the face by a horse. Yeah. I really miss him...THAT...BAD..)

I thought everything was going to go right this weekend. I could be with him, love the hell out of him, stare into his eyes like a moron.. Alright, I'm getting carried away. But honestly. I just.. I've been so excited for this, and I've never gone so long without seeing him.

(That God I finally got a car eh? Details later.)

Tonight.

Alyse texts me.

And I quote:

"By the way, be careful up there. *Up there being hot springs.* Cameron blogged about alcohol being involved, and that just scares me with those cliffs, you know?"

As you may or may not have been informed, this weekend Cameron, Cori, Sam, myself, Megan, Jerremy and Angelique were supposed to go to the hot springs. That needed to be thrown in.

Anyway, upon reading this, I promptly freak out. I should have just taken a few deep breaths and gone to read Cameron's blog myself, because that would have assauged some of the initial disappointment/anger/sadness/insert other vehement emotions that I was having.

But I didn't, and left the house to call Alyse and let off a head of steam.

This steam comprised of how much I hate Sam drinking, why I hate Sam drinking, and, after Alyse informed me that DJ and his girlfriend were also coming, how mad I was about that too. I think there was brief discussion on how Coriann would feel about this if she were in on the conversation, and I heavily considered calling her afterward, but became distracted.

Alyse was the true best friend I don't deserve and listened to me rant and almost cry about all my little insecurities and shattered views of the future.

Funny how someone mentioning alcohol can do that to you.

After I was done, I let her go back to her homework after taking her calming advice (go play with your cats and go to bed).

I didn't actually go home and do so, but instead wandered my neighborhood and the one opposite, lost in my own sad little world.

By this time I had texted Sam twice asking him to call me back, because I'd already initially called him before Alyse. I have a bad habit of imagining situations at their worst..and my imagination seriously needed to calm down.

Following the series of events so far?

So I wandered, my mind far from the path I was treading (bare-footed, mind you), and I had to temporarily pull myself back to earth in order to call Megan to inform her of the change of plans.

Change of plans being, I'm not going this weekend.

I told her there would be DJ+ alcohol, and I didn't want to put her in a compromising position with the two. I knew she couldn't handle DJ's personality, and would NOT want herself or her Jerremy around booze of any sort, so I did her a favor and let her know what was going on.

I'd like to say she sounded sad when she opted out... Maybe she was looking forward to it as much as I was.

She, as well as Alyse, had math homework to tackle, so I was once again left to my own devices. I still had not completed a full circut of the neighborhoods, but decided to make a retarded figure 8 of it all and go home.

After shoving myself into a slightly less emo frame of mind, I went inside to wait for Sam to call me.

(My frame of mind looked like this: For better or worse, come what may. I'm proud of myself.)

Sam eventually did call, and while he was panting like he'd just run a mile, I told him what Alyse had told me.

Alcohol presence.

Let me quickly add that I really don't care if DJ comes or not. I was just so angry and upset about the drinking side of this ordeal, that DJ just seemed to be an added stress that I didn't want. I can be around the guy. I have an extraordinary tolerance for people I wouldn't usually prefer to be around. It really doesn't bother me as much as I've made out so far that he is coming. Really. I promise.

Although I do sympathize with every rant Cori has ever had about him lol ;)

Okay, back to long, boring story.

Here's where my boyfriend becomes wonderful. Not like he wasn't already.

After sitting and failing to read Harry Potter, and feeling thoroughly sick to my stomach, right when I mentioned the drinking to Sam, he said he wouldn't touch a thing. He promised he wouldn't. To calm me even further, he said he wanted to talk to Cam and tell him he didn't want to be around any alcohol whatsoever if he was at the apartment. Period. Not near it, not around it, not aware of it's presence...nothing.

(Although I'll tell you..the tone that he said all that in made it sound like if he DID see any alcohol, that he'd jump on the bottle and drink the whole damn thing..which worries me quite a bit. But we'll discuss that later.)

So the hot springs seemed to be back on. Once I got off the phone with him, I went to read Cameron's blog. In it he said he wanted to drink, but NOT on the night that we went to the hot springs. God I wish I'd known THAT one sooner.. but oh well. In the back of my mind I already knew that Cameron, out of anyone, couldn't possibly be stupid enough to bring booze two and a half miles into a forest with six or seven raucous teenagers and young adults, at one in the morning. I mean come on. This kid is blessed with extraordinary brainpower. He doesn't take leave of his senses like that. Not anymore, anyway.

So I'm still going. Regretably, Alyse opted out earlier this week, for sensible reasons though, I might add, and Megan and Jerremy are no longer coming. Things have not turned out how I pictured them, but the picture still looks nice anyway, if not a bit muddied.

I still get to see my friends. I still get to be with the most wonderful guy I know, have known, and will ever know, and I get to have him all to myself for that night. And I still get to go up, and have a ton of fun Saturday night.

See? Life ain't so bleak after all!

Optomism is fun. :) I should try it more often.

Just kidding.

Okay... my car. Wow this thing is getting long.

My parents bought me a '94 Toyota Turcel that, when checked out by Firestone, was proclaimed a deal you'd have to be psychotic not to take advantage of.

It's in splendid condition, inside and out, minus the weird buckles, the non-automated windows, and a few stray strips of duct tape on the passenger seat. Oh, and the paint is coming off the top.

In all honesty, I don't really care. It's old, and mangy, and I'm totally in love with it. I don't know what to name her though.. I'd appreciate ideas.

I'm not allowed to drive her yet, because my parents are still working out all the stipulations, and haven't added me to the insurance. Never mind the need for registration and checking emissions.

Here, have a picture. Yep, that's her! *Beams with pride*

I probably should have made that bigger, but I don't want to go back through my whole blog a second time and fix the double spacing that this thing gives your blog if you insert a picture halfway through. Verry annoying. Lemme tell you.

But yes. My little two door ticket to freedom. How I love her. And all for $750.00! I'm such a good little bargain shopper!

(Okay, that last line is bullshit, if it weren't for my dad I'd still be car-less, waiting to sign a 5 year lease on a car that probably would only last two of those years from a car lot on the side of the road. So thanks, Dad. And Sam, if you read this, no insult meant. Hehe.)

I hardly even want to begin to consider... *pauses to burst out laughing*

OK!! So Juke was sleeping on my bed, and was twitching and stretching so much in his dreams that he just twitched himself off the bed! MY GOD! HILARIOUS! He looked so confused when the floor met his face.. tee hee.

Okay.

I hardly even want to consider upon the length of this blog, and it is 12:28 at night. I've been trying for a more family friendly bedtime lately.

So much love.

Thanks for persevering.

-Nessa-

My birthmom, among others.

Tonight merited a blog for a completely unexpected reason.
Some of you may know Colby Goodman. I am quite sure that the vast majority of you know his little sister Alyse, one of my best friends in the world.
A year ago today, Colby and his girlfriend Courtney gave up their baby to a couple by the names of John and Melinda Turner
I stumbled upon Courtney and Melinda's blogs by total accident today. I got on Facebook (A rare occasion, let me tell you) and Courtney had a link posted to her own blog, of her thoughts the day her little Smokey/Sam was given up to his new family.
From there I followed a link to Melinda's blog, Smokey/Sam's new mom.
*To spare confusion/annoyance I'm going to just call the baby Smokey, okay?*
I got to read each mother's perspective of that day, the nervousness and the total heartbreak. The gratitude expressed by Melinda toward Courtney was astounding.
She said that she was in awe of what Courtney gone through for her baby, and thought that it was the most selfless thing that anyone could do as a human being, giving up their child.
I'll admit, as wimpy as this sounds, I ended up crying just a bit by the end of Melinda's blog. It was just so touching. But what got me at the end was the thought of "That's what my mom did for me."

I don't think I'm grateful enough to my own mother for that. She gave me up, her first daughter, to a better family, because she loved me and wanted me to grow up and be happy.
Living with my own family has been a far cry from easy, and my own anger and respite seems to have really gotten in the way of the big picture that is my life.
Sure it hasn't been easy. What teen has a totally easy time with their parents? (With the exception of those odd and lucky few).
But there was someone in this world who loved me more than she had ever loved anything, and because of that, gave me up to a family she trusted to raise me and take care of me.

I want to find my mom again. Especially after reading about Courtney and Melinda. I've never wanted it this bad before.

I talked to Angelique's friend Adelaide, who is also adopted, and already of the legal age of 18 and found her mother. She said it was the most amazing experience she's ever had. She found another family that she fit in with completely, and now she talks to her birthmom every Sunday and enjoys having this interaction.
I just home I can meet my own birthmother and have that same sort of connection. I never really felt like anything was ever missing from my life, in the "I'm adopted" sense, but now I just really want to be able to find that other part of me I don't know about.
Even if nothing insane happens, I just hope I will get to have the priviledge of meeting the person who brought me into this world, and tell her how... I don't even have words for it.
Grateful to her hardly covers it.
I guess tell her I love her. Love her for what she did for me.

I've never thougth about loving my birthmom before. But now, even though I don't know her, I do. I love what she did for me. And I want to be able to tell her that someday soon.

Sorry I'm getting all teary-eyed and sentimental. But I really did want to share that. Try not to laugh at me too hard.

-Nessa-

Dust out the Inbox

Well I should be asleep...as usual.. but I just wanted to put something up real fast.

I just went through my MySpace inbox, because it has been telling me that I have twelve unopened messages since..well, forever ago. It was very annoying. Thusly, I decided to rectify this.
Anyway, I found a lot of old messages that I had completely forgotten about.
Some from Preston, and ex who I now think has totally lost his mind and become a gangster for Insane Clown Posse ( You know, Hatchet Man?), some from Quinton, and some from Zach, a kid from my program.
It was interesting to see how people passed in and out of my life, and how things have changed. A lot of the messages had me saying I love you so much blah blah blah your mine forever blah blah blah, and now I don't talk to any of them anymore. Well, Quinton I talk to every couple months..but still.
I guess I miss the old days. I don't want them back though. I'm glad I can actually say that.

There are those MySpace quizzes that say "If you could go back to any moment in your life and stay there to relive it over and over, what time would it be?" I used to have certain periods of time that I missed, and wanted back so bad it was almost like a physical pain.
But I don't have those anymore. I don't miss the Good Old Days, I just remember them. I don't know when this happened, but I am glad it did.
To me it means that I am finally content in my own life, and with my old life, enough that I can let memories be memories instead of those "could have, would have, should have" moments.

Oh, by the by, I watched Lord of the Rings on my home theater system...that was really awesome. I think my parents got shit for speakers though, which pisses me off. I wish that, at least once, they could have invested just a little extra money for something that is going to be fulfilling in a long term sense.

Okay it's almost two am, I have screwed my sleep schedule to hell, and I have got to go force myself to bed.

6 days until I see Sam!
EEEEEEE!!!!!
Loves.
-Nessa-

Stuffed Animals at Midnight.

I'm upstairs at Jerremy's house, and he and Megan are downstairs with each other at the moment. I heard something about community showers going on... Don't think I'll join.. tee hee.
Jerr just bought the new Owl City CD, and I absolutely love it. I have a couple songs from the older album that Brantley emailed me, some of which cut off mid-song (annoying, that), but all in all I love them.
They're happy and new and awesome. I decided that I seriously need to steal them from Jerremy..

Anyway, I have started missing Sam so much, that when Megan asked me to sleep over with her, I got his pj pants, and the stuffed dog he once owned that now belongs to me. His name is Lou.
I find it interesting that Sam is now one of two guys I know/have dated that has a little stuffed dog that they love, and have owned forever. It's kinda cute in my opinion.
Oh, and Sam also has his stuffed Stitch that he always has around..he took that with him to college. Hehe, wonder what his roomate thinks of that.

Jerremy has a really old keyboard... the Enter key is like massive, and the backspace is still normal key size... and did I mention the keyboard is yellowing? Yes, it's very, very old.

So I FINALLY got my dad to call the damn insurance guy.. I'm seeing him tomorrow at one in the afternoon. The original appointment was at nine in the morning. I sort of freaked out when my mom told me that, but she thankfully corrected herself to a more reasonable hour of the day, so I could actually sleep in.

My cold is going away, now I just sound like a weather man coming in over a very bad station, but no more misery nasal headaches, and what was constant sniffling is now just every once in a while. Like I said, when I get sick, cuz I don't very often, it's a bitch. Seriously.. Rawr.
Why did God invent sickness? I don't get it. I really don't.
Just, one day, "Here, have cancer. Trials and tribulation will befall you, and you will most likely leave a struggling and overcome spouse behind to care for your three grief-stricken children, but it's all good! You had a learning experience!"
Okay, I know it's not that cold-hearted, but you still get my point.

My mom is really mean. She hates being one-upped by people, and thusly, when she is, she starts bashing on them and saying rude stuff. I can't name names, because the child of the mother she is frustrated with might read this blog..but in my defense (should names be discovered) I think my mom is petty, and that she should suck it up.

Oh, and I met David Sedano yesterday. That was an adventure.. So, I was really sick and didn't go to work because I felt like absolute shit, but Megan convinced me out of the house with promises of her homemade chicken noodle soup (that stuff is amazing), and so I let her take me. We had her German exchange student with us in the car too, her name is Tatianna. Megan wanted to grab Jerr before we migrated to Provo, so when we dropped by, we got him, and David, who was with him at the time.
So something about David. He makes no sense. On the car ride down he was being weird, loud as fuck, and wanted to listen to songs that even hurt MY precious ears with how gross they were ( I was screaming at Jerr to turn them off)... And then when we had to take everyone home again, he and I got into a deep discussion about his ex-girlfriend that he was crazy for, and another one that dumped him the day after Christmas.
I don't understand David. One second, he's loud, perverted, and almost overbearingly just there, and the next second he is the most caring, understanding, sweet, soft-hearted guy I've ever met who is still straight. (That last part is a joke, he was doing gay imitations all night, and if I hadn't known he was hetero, I would have asked to meet his boyfriend,)
Like, he watched The Notebook with Jerr and cried. Yeah. That sensitive.
So he's my new friend and he's awesome.

Jerr has the funniest little dog, you have to escort him outside to go to the bathroom, he's like a little princess.

Anyway, I think I'm running out of stuff to talk about that doesn't have to do with Sam. I'm excited to see him in a week and about a day, considering it's about 15 minutes before midnight.
Guess I'll just sit here with Lou and peruse the internet, and all it's dull wonders.

Night.
-Nessa-

P.S. I miss talking to Mike. He just moved out to his apartment by school and started college on Wednesday, and I wish I could see how he was doing. Oh well. Everything happens for a reason, right? Because that mud puddle Jerr shoved me into today... No, I'm kidding.
Again, goodnight.

Review!!!

I'm back on Fictionpress, and when I signed on today after painstakingly creating a story last night, I had one review! I should probably not be too excited, considering the fact that other people on there are like 'OMG 200 reviews is average...', but at the very least, I'm still proud of myself.
Annoying thing though, one of my stories on there has gotten like 40 hits (40 people have looked at it), and I haven't gotten any reviews... It's the most popular one too...people are such poor sports. I like feedback. It makes me feel...not invisible. lol
Little Juke is doing rather well at my house =) I let him roam around and play outside, and he loves teasing our other cats, who seem to tolerate him as best as they can. Sammie seems to take to him best. I guess since Sammie himself is only a little bit more than a year old, he can handle a hyperactive, overly-inquisitive kitten, whereas Loki, who is about seven, would just as soon bop Juke on the head with a pawful of claws. Which, in fact, he did just the other day.
Juke still cries like a baby when you leave him alone, even when he's outside. If I'm on the deck reading and go inside to get something to eat, he'll sit at the door and whine until I either let him in, or come back out and keep him company. It's so silly..
Like earlier? I came out, and he had been screaming at me for like five minutes straight, but when I looked around, he's all relaxed on the BBQ with his eyes half shut. He's such a little drama queen... An adorable one though.
Oh, and he loves trees. He just shoot straight up them at every opportunity. It's so funny too, cuz he'll slip and just be hanging on by his front paws, and his face is just so classic. "ZOMFG WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!?!" Is basically what it says..
I'm probably moving out in early September. I finally called our insurance guy, and while it has taken a lot of back and forth, I'm pretty sure that, after just a little more aggravation, I will have set up at appointment to meet with him this week.
My mom sounds open to letting me take the car with me when I go up to live with Megan in Provo, and I really hope my dad lets me as well. My parents are all about the "United, we NEVER make decisions without consulting one another" stuff. Sometimes it's really annoying. And it makes them harder to play.
I am also sick. I don't get sick very often, so when I get something even as light as a cold, which is what I have, it beats the hell out of me. I wake up, I can't breathe, I'm sneezing, I cough occasionally, and I can't smell a damn thing.
Oh, and I went temporarily deaf in one ear for the morning. Lemme tell you, awesome stuff to wake up to.
Sam seems really happy in college, minus stupid teachers that loose his stuff. He's made friends, and gets to play poker with them, all that jazz. Also, he's trying to set up a campus wide game of Humans vs. Zombies. When he explained it to me, it sounded awesome, if not a little silly. Silly in the good way though, I know I would join in if I was up there, an no, not just because I'm his girlfriend and I love him.
Which I do.
You know, I consider myself lucky in some ways. I have gotten to watch Sam move out and seen the stuff that goes with living on your own, and now all my friends are going to college, so I will get to see what that is like too. Give myself a little insight as far as what not to do and stuff. Maybe being at least a year younger than everyone I know isn't such a bad thing..
Well, I have to go to work.. My dad should be here any minute to get me, and I have to catch Juke and get him inside before I leave. I still don't like leaving that adorable little thing on his own for too long.
Much love and cookies.
-Nessa-

Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting!

Warped Tour and my and Sam's one year anniversary was on August 8th. It was a really great day. I got to spend the entire time with Alyse, Coriann, Cameron, and Sam, getting my eardrums blown and seeing some of the more outrageous sides of teen fashion.

Oh, and some guy who was trying to get to Seattle was letting people kick him in the balls if they gave him enough money. Dedicated man. I'll post vidoes at the bottom.

I got slightly sunburned, partially dehydrated, and became the designated pack mule for water, shirts and an excess of stickers and slogans.

On the up side, I got to kiss the cheek and hold the hand of The White Tie Affair lead singer, which basically made my life. Reference picture on the right.

I wasn't able to go see 3Oh!3 when they came on, mostly due to the fact that I had the purse full of junk and, well, no one else did. I was also tired, and figured I'd opt out of the the frustration that was sure to be mine if I wandered into a wild crowd. I regret having done so, but what can one do?

It was an okay day, all in all.

Coriann was the savior of the day, having packed water bottles, sandwiches for before and after (damned no re-entry rule), and helping me get the purse to lug our stuff around in. She also provided transportation, since Sam's car broke again, and treated everyone to Yapona after the day was through. Awesome, is she not?

(If I have missed something in the list of stuff she did for us, someone please speak up so I can amend.)

It's two days later, and Sam should be leaving for college with in the next couple weeks. My parents (more specifically mom) still stoically refuse to let me have use of a car no matter what the hell I do, so I suppose it will be up to Sam for now on whether or not we will be seeing each other anytime soon.

Oh, and I found a scary movie I can actually watch. It's called Breathing Room. Like Brandon said, it had some bad acting, but I got through it.

Brandon is Deena's new boyfriend by the way. I like him, although he seems much too happy to be leaving for the army to go shoot stuff on Tuesday. I won't see him again for a year, since Sam went camping earlier today till Wendesday. Kinda sucks. I feel bad for Dee.

The time at the apartment is almost up, and Deena has been the savior there. This month she payed all but 100 dollars of rent. Pretty awesome of her, no? Although I can't decide which would suck more, having and eviction on your record, or owing your friend a shitload of money that will take you forever to pay back.

I hate debt.

Well, for endings, here's the movie of the guy willingly getting kicked in the balls. Happy viewing!

(Oh, and I filmed it sideways apparently, and I dont' have a damn clue on how to fix it, sorry..)

Whoops. I broke terms of service. Nothing obscene. Does this count? lol

-Nessa-

Quick Skip and A Jump

They say eavesdroppers will never hear anything good about themselves. I suppose when people snoop around where they don't belong they are going to end up seeing and reading stuff they really just didn't want to know.
In either case, I've hardly learned my lesson.
Sad part is, if someone knew what I'd done, it would probably cause an odd rift in the trust I've built with them. But being me, I'm paranoid, and jealous, and very protective. It's no excuse, and I'm not trying to make any...but I'm just sad.
How can I go from calm and happy to silent, pensive, and borderline upset all in a few minutes?

Updates:

• Cam and Cori broke up. That came as a shocking surprise, one I think I'd rather live without. After hearing the back-story it all makes sense, but I'm still sad about it. They made such a cute couple.

• Sam and I are having our one year anniversary on the 8th of August. One year...geez.

• Sam is going to college at the University of Utah, two hours away, up in Logan. I almost have use of my brother's truck, so I'm not like terrified or anything...

That's a lie.

Honestly, I'm scared stupid of Sam going to college. I know it's what he wants to do, and will support him wholeheartedly... but in truth I'm just waiting for the day he calls me or sees me and says "Hey, this whole long distance thing really isn't working out."
I talked to Deena and Jorden about it a bit. More Dee than Jorden really. She's very helpful when your trying to work through big life changes, because she's been through things like this, and is good at looking at a situation and judging it dispassionately.
In other words, she gives good advice.

The main thing she brought up was my biggest worry. Girls. Girls, girls, girls.
They're going to be everywhere, and my boyfriend is, by basic standards, pretty good looking. So, like I said, the day he comes up to me and says it would be best for it to break it off...well let's say I won't be caught off guard.
But I never said anything about not being totally devastated.

Back to updates.

• Rob and Amber are getting married tomorrow, the 24th, and Amber is about 4 months pregnant at the moment. Congratulations to them both, I do ever so hope it works out for them and their kid. Their reception is the first of August.

• The first of August is also the Highland Fling and Sam's little brother Eli's day to get baptized.

• Sam is getting a new tattoo. I don't want him to, but I can't change his mind. It's a Taurus tattoo. Have I ever mentioned that all my boyfriends have been Taurus?

• Warped Tour is on the 8th.

Well, that's all I'm coming up with right now.
Much love.
-Nessa-

Douchebagery...and the like.

So I might be going to Boondocks with Zack, that'll be interesting. It was really funny though because he said that we'd be on the Go Karts like 95% of the time. I already had him pegged for a kart enthusiast, so I'm not very surprised.
Confirmation: Should I be wanting to go, I can, because he agreed. Fun freaking stuff.

I don't know if I should go though. Sam said it was fine, like he didn't care. He's playing Halo anyway lol.

Well, I should be getting ready for the epic "LET ME DRIVE MY BROTHERS TRUCK" argument with my parents. Just watch, their requirements will include, but not be limited to

• My paying tons of the insurance
• My chores getting done daily
• My ALWAYS telling them where I am

Never mind that Kendall will be bothering me about it too. What with the whole he thinks I will totally trash his car. I mean, it's not like I could even if I wanted to, it's a truck, and a really durable one at that, and come on, I know how to drive.
He said if I take it off roading he will slaughter me painfully...
No worries though. I've been through that with Megan behind the wheel, and trust me when I say NEVER AGAIN.

Either how...
Oh.
Brantley.

He and Hayleigh got broken up by her parents because they think that Hayleigh is too young for as serious of a relationship as she was having with Brantley. I've heard other reasons but I'm inclined to believe that one because it's the kindest...and all the other stuff I've heard has come from people who really don't like Brantley.
So, he called me the morning it happened, on the 4th of July, funnily enough. He was crying and asked me to come over, to which I agreed, Lord knows why.
We talked the day after as well, and it all ended in crying and stupidity.

From then on I decided I wasn't talking to him at all ever.
It doesn't really work.
He's the only human being capable of getting under my skin that terribly, and staying there, like an itch that cannot be scratched, and yet doesn't itch in the first place.
He apoligized to me though. About the letter.
He said that feels his reasons behind sending the letter were and are justified, but that the way he went about it and how vindictive he was was wrong, and that he was truly sorry.
He's also wanting and begun to make many changes in his life happen, and all I can say is that I hope, for his sake, that he isn't lying to himself and can truly make himself a better person, inside and out.

Beyond that, I hope I never have to see/speak to/associate with him in any way again.
Not for mean reasons either. I am letting my grudge of about five months slowly go away. It's definetly hard, but made easy by the fact that he finally apoligized.

So anyway, I'm going to go get sushi, and try to spice up my life a little, so much love to everyone, and I'll post later if anything of note happens.

Oh, did I mention that after I painted my room, Kendall fingerpainted bright green dicks all over the walls? Yeah.... he's twenty and a Marine, go figure. He acts like he's six. It's to be expected, but still. Come on.
He's paying me back in a lovely way however, so I suppose I really shouldn't complain.

Much love.
-Nessa-

I'm unsure.

So after a small bowl of cereal, and a failed attempt to wake up Rob in the meanest of ways, I find myself here, on my computer that runs slower than an aged snail, blogging. I haven't been on for over a month, last post date being May 18th.
Didn't really have a REASON to get on anyway. But, I figured that after a month of neglect, I could do for at least a small update on life as it goes on. I warn you however, my life is just as boring as it was on May 18th.
Lemme see...
Sammy tried to start a blog and I don't really know how that went. Badly I suppose, his only post consists of one line containing a swear word and then utter jibberish. Cameron and Coriann are still together, and as adorable as ever, we are going down to see her on Thursday.
I still work at 5 Buck... yes, I know I've said I'll get a different job for ages now, and it hasn't happened. I'd probably be one of the head leaders in the League of Procrastination if there was one.
Megan has moved out to some random BYU standard approved place down in the Provo/Orem area. I'd go with her if it wasn't for the issue of boys not being allowed after 10 pm. That's just not going to go well with me. I'd probably, A: Get kicked out almost immediately, or B: Be at Sam's place all the time since I could and never go home, making moving out to that apartment pointless ANYWAY.
OH!
I had an adventure last Friday =).
Me, Angelique, Jorden, Skyler, Rob, and Micheal all went up to the Spanish Fork hot springs. Now, while most people go during the day, we got lost, and got up the canyon and to the parking place by 11:00. We met a couple coming down the trail, and they forewarned us to the 40 minute walk ahead of ourselves.
Here's the issue. Six teenagers walking on a thin mountain path closer to midnight than is morally prudent, headed toward a hot springs that requires no clothing. Did I mention that we had no flashlights beyond our cell phones, all of which were dying?
I sorta threw in the clothing thing as a joke. I mean, yes, clothing is technically not required on the trail up, or at the hot springs themselves, but we experienced no nudity, self proclaimed or otherwise.
Jorden went first, then me holding his hand, the Angelique holding mine, her holding on to Skyler, then Rob and Micheal bringing up the rear. They weren't holding hands though. Losers. Hehe.
The walk ended up taking an hour and twenty minutes as we stumbled along the dark path, mostly blind, and I almost fell down a sharp decline where the path had crumbled away quite suddenly. Only the presence of a guard rail and Jorden's hand saved me from probably sliding all the way down the the river, and probably not with only a couple scratches.
There really is nothing like walking in a dense forest with a bunch of friends late at night. The stars were beyond spectacular; Angelique and I were mesmerized. The main memory I have from the night is the sight of Jorden's white shirt, which I stared at the vast majority of time, trying not to be scared shitless.
The path we were walking on ran straight along the river that stemmed from the hot springs, and often times became very narrow without warning. At least, that's how it seemed, considering I couldn't see worth a damn. Jorden hanging on to me basically saved me from going insane, since I'm so scared of heights.
In the end, the very long walk was worth the twenty minutes we got to spend at the hot springs, before we had to leave due to the lightning that started flashing over the mountains. It was too far away to hear thunder, but hey, why take the change of ruining a night withe electrocution?
Because we wanted to hurry, we ended up expending our cell phones batteries to make the path easier to see on the way back down. This time the 40 minutes was an accurate estimation, and it went much faster considering the talkativeness of both Rob and Michael, who were my new walking buddies on the way back down.
After getting all worn out, we passed out in the car, all except for Michael, the driver, who I feel bad for.
Angelique picked up her car and took me and Sky home so Michael could get back to explain just why he was so late to his mother. I left my wallet in his car, which had to be retrieved at a later date.
So that was really fun, as a melodramatic ending.

Hmmm....
Me and Rob just went and got Chili Cheese Fries from Weinerschnizel (however you spell that). Amber kidnapped him so I had to go get his Orange Juice for him. Sam's watching Scare Tactics. It's kinda creepy..

Anywho...
Alyse went to Girls Camp today. I'm friendless.
And the kitten likes chewing on me.
Bye bye.

Just one of those weeks

The weather is heating up, no one blogs anymore, we have newbies at the apartment, stuff is changing.
Summertime brings a lot of stuff. Allergies for Sam and Alyse. Tank tops and shorts for me. Deena in her underwear lol. Weekends we see Cameron and Thor (Jorden), and Rob has become the new temporary tenant.
Rob is a package deal; with him comes the lovely and pregnant Amber, who I did not previously know well, but have come to like.
I no longer dislike Kayleanne as I once did, she went from annoying to, well, pending friend material. I guess you gain respect/sympathy for someone who has as terrible of a home life as she has in recent days. We plan to hang out soon enough, and she even extended the offer to have me as a tenant in the apartment her and her Cali friend are intending on getting.
Angel and James confuse the hell out of me, as is per usual. I just wish I could knock some ideas in her head, ideas that would most likely help her out a bit relationship wise. I love that girl.
Alyse decided to chop her hair off, it's cute. =) I preferred her with long hair, but that's probably because I envied it so much, tee hee!
My Sam got himself a job. Telemarketing, which I find entirely too entertaining. I keep telling him that if he ever calls me trying to sell me a free trial of *insert bullshit item here*, I'll kill him =)
Mike texted me the other day, letting me know that he got in a car crash and totalled his Volvo (I think), sustaining rib injuries, although thankfully his bones remained severely bruised, not broken. I still intend to go to graduation to see him, along with Megan of course.
I had the funny thought the other day that I have been working at 5 Buck for over a year now. And that the people from there have gone from fellow employees to friends. I really enjoy being around Zack, even if he does make me feel stupid.
I also really enjoy Justin. I text both him and Zack on occasion, they are both awesome guys, and I could probably hang out with either one of them on a reasonably comfortable level. I think I'd have a better time of it with Justin though... He enjoys my company, as he has told me before.
My life is happy, albiet dull, I like change, and haven't had too much of it lately.
The more time I spend with Sam, the more I just wanna go live with him...that thought scares me....
I've started having nightmares about certain odd things again...

So anywho, I'm out of stuff to talk about, things to tell you, I'm tired, so goodnight.
-Nessa-

Gimmie back my PIN!

So, as is life, one encounters problems.
My current problem is that some moron got a hold of my account information (God knows how) and is now charging minor things to my totally empty account, causing me to have to pay massive amounts of money in bounce fees.
I am extremely angry about this. I got one bounce notice in the mail, thought nothing of it, that I had just been negligent..
But the second one came a few days later, and it said that the fees charged to my account (7.71, what IS this asshole doing..) were charged on a day I can safely remember not having spent a fucking penny.
SO. Now I get to go to my bank on Monday, try to fix everything erstwhile also attempt to sidestep the en masse overdraft fees that were not mine in the first place..
I have an account balance tabulator on my phone, where I keep track on a paranoid scale of everything that I spent. I just went through it twice, and I am for damn sure not spending this money.
Someone on this planet right now needs a swift kick in the ass.
Funny though, that they decided to steal the account information of the worlds poorest teen, who also unfortunately knows how to budget on a low scale, and, although she is slow, does seem to realize that she is suddenly spending money that she does not remember spending.
I guess I just have to be grateful that this person hasn't charged six hundred dollars worth of cleaning supplies or some such rot.. Now that would really just suck. But it would also make my job of ensuring my bank doesn't make me pay for overdraft much easier.
Sometimes the world of technology and superior everything just sucks.
Right now is one of those times.
Goodnight all. I am stressed and sleepy. I no longer wander the World Wide Web until four am. Quite the contrary I get sleepy after twelve o'clock at night. Hooray for unofficial bedtimes.
-Nessa-

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Today had it's good parts, but I'm pretty sure that between the hours of three thirty to approximately five in the afternoon, it sucked ass.
Pretty much I got in a debacle with my mom...On Mother's Day.
Which ended in me declaring that I will be out of the house by Saturday, and hopefully living with Angelique.
What I'd really like to be doing is moving in to the apartment, but we all know the world would explode (to say the absolute least) and so I grudgingly gave up that idea immediately.
In other news, Cameron has returned once again to Job Corps.. Coriann has left the state back to her beloved Star Valley, where the clan shall hopefully be visiting her by the end of this month. I'm not entirely sure if I will be among the visiting crew, but I shall do my utmost to make it so I am. I miss Cori.
My hours got cut at work, due to a fail in my boss's brain.. It's not just my hours either, it's everyone. Sky's dad was angsting about finances, thusly Sky cut down on school lunch shift hours, thusly Chrisi now works evenings, thusly evening crew's hours get smushed.
I momentarily return to the old grindstone long enough to moan "I neeeed a new joooooobbbbb."
Also, I will not be working for Vector whatever. Knife selling company that Jorden works for. It would require a car, or other reliable mode of transportation, which I do not have. This fact was part of the argument I had with my mom earlier today, in fact.
Tomorrow is Sam's birthday too. I already gave him his humongoginormous air soft gun, because he wanted to show Cameron while he was down for the weekend. I'm such a worthless pushover. Oh well =)
I haven't talked to Mike for a week now, not like this is an accomplishment or anything. On nights when I have my own personal issues with Sam, I miss talking to him. There is an odd, empty, echoey space where he used to be. It only is noticeable sometimes, but tonight I can really feel it, since I am talking about it.
Megan was talking about Brantley earlier, and Sam, noticing her texts, addressed the subject. Thankfully it didn't take me long at all to ensure him that I would, under no circumstances, never ever be Brantley's friend again. For obvious he-is-a-total-dick reasons lol.
Although one thing I find odd. Sam said I am not allowed to be Brantley's friend again. I quickly sidestepped that and got him to just say he would set terms for my being around him, but the first part struck me oddly.
I don't like it when people tell me what to do. And hearing him say that gave me a weird feeling. Nothing cataclysmic, I just noticed the anomaly. Right away I told him I could make that decision just fine on my own and it was alright again, but still. Just noticing.
We watched Nick and Norah's tonight too, that was fun. I do ever so adore that movie =).
But Sam didn't cuddle with me during it. Didn't really even try. So I ended up using Jorden as a pillow for a short amount of time, then just rolling up in Sam's Lone Peak blanket and angsting. I gave myself a little emotional lee way, just cuz I'd gotten all messed up over my mother earlier.
When you tell yourself your acting oddly for a reason, it's usually a lot easier to control your feelings rather than if your acting from pure driven emotion with no logical reason behind it.
Well, that's how I work anyway.
I am currently trying to help Alex out with his social skills. That isn't going to awesomely, since he seems to be stuck thinking he is a nobody Asian with nothing special to give to the world. It's rather annoying.
Did you know, that when ever I take Sam's car home on the weekends, I keep having terrified thoughts that it will randomly get stolen right out from under me and that Sam will like kill me? It's really funny, I love how paranoid I get about utterly stupid things like that.
Either way, I really just want to go to sleep, and since our washer and dryer are once again both disconnected, I cannot do my wash, and am just all around annoyed at the moment.
So Goodnight all, and sleep well.
Bye bye.
-Nessa-

Ode to Fredrick

So the goldfish that most of you didn't know I had died tonight... K, this morning.

Sort of a depressing, melodramatic end to the evening, I must say. I guess I wasn't a born fishy person, unlike my boyfriend, but then again, Sam is just good at everything.

/Fail.

Oh well...

And I also decided, should I ever care to replace my dear Fredrick, that I will not name my new addition until I have acertained that it will survive more than the next 48 hours in my care. Or lack thereof.

No! Seriously though! I fed him, and let him have sunshine, and he had a pretty bowl, and he should have been a happy goldfish, but no, he keeled over and died and I came home to his glazed over little eyes.

*sniff* I wish I made him happier, just enough so he didn't decide to off himself...

I suddenly feel very discouraged and depressed as far as my pet care skills go.

But on a slightly happier note...

Star Trek (even though I know next to nothing about it) WAS AMAZING. OH MY GOD, GO SEE THAT MOVIE. EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS VISUALLY ORGASMIC.

Okay, I officially scared myself with that last sentence, but nonetheless I maintain that was the best movie I have seen this year. No joke. And it will most likely stay that way... although Transformers could come in a close second.

So, go spend some worthwhile money at the theater, and don't buy yourself a fishie, that's my advice for tonight.

Much love.

-Nessa-

Raindrops

Today is just one of those days where things are changing at an obvious and alarming rate, and you stop for a second and go "Wow, didn't think this would end so fast."
For one, Cam is leaving. I went and read his blog, and as lame and stupid as I am, I cried. I know I'm a wuss, you can all just make fun of me now. I am going to miss him a lot. I can safely say we all will. And not only Cam.
Ima miss Coriann like crazy too. She's one of the few girls, I think, that could walk happily into our weird little world and fit right in with every single one of us. Cam found a keeper in her. She's only completely awesome, and she's going back to Star Valley on the ninth for the summer. So I don't see Cam for two months, I don't see Cori for at least three...awesome....QQ.
For two, as of last night, the decision was made that I stop talking to Mike. Even though we ended on good terms, or as good as they could be, I can't seem to suppress the feeling that not being his friend anymore could be considered a bad judgement call. I have a thing for following my instincts and gut feelings, and the fact that I'm denying them now irks me. It feels wrong. Oh well, just one more thing that I get to sit back and wait out.
Three. The apartment. I'm just basically worried about it. I am pretty sure that Dee saved everyone's butts as far as rent is concerned this month, but nonetheless, what's everyone going to do now... Sammy and Jorden need jobs, and it's not like everyone's running around looking for employees at the moment.
And lack of employment isn't due to lack of trying to find some either. I swear this'll be the third blog in a row where I have said "Damn this worthless economy."
So..
DAMN THIS WORTHLESS ECONOMY!!!
Anywho..

In other news, Star Trek is three days away, and I'm getting excited for it. Probably nowhere as excited as Sam is, because he's a little nerd about stuff like this *smiles affectionately*, but that's ok.
I've been thinking about Brantley lately too. More in passing, but last night when Sam and I were talking about Mike, I realized how much I'd miss talking to Mike when I had to stop.
Then I remembered Brantley. I miss him. But I don't miss the ass he turned into. I miss the guy that I could call late at night and talk about random stuff to. I miss the guy I dated, who wanted to see me everyday, the guy that made a 50 foot Starburst chain with.
The guy who held me and let me sob uncontrollably in his arms because I hurt so much over Mike. It's that Brantley I miss. The reliable one. The one who didn't constantly have his own hidden agenda.
But life turned out how it did, and it doesn't matter anymore.

It's raining outside, and today is just one of those days. I'm happy I'll get to see Alyse later, we haven't hung out as much since..well, a month ago, when all that happened...*sigh* I hate having to be cryptic.
So either way, much love to everyone, and hopefully I'll see a couple of my best friends sooner than it feels like I will...
<3
-Nessa-